Well, it's official, I'm alone. I'm not whining or anything - it's just a fact. K left this morning, before I went to my 1st bar review class. I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't feel good. My heart is racing, my tummy is icky, my ears & throat hurt, and I've been sucking down cough drops like a junkie on the pipe! Well, I know that the ears & throat thing are because I smoked TOO DAMN MUCH this weekend! I won't tell you how much, but trust me, it wasn't good!
K paid for me to get tints on my new car, which was so sweet and I am SO excited! Kit is so much prettier now! And not nearly as hot either.
Of course, the weekend was not without drama. K got 2 flat tires & I lost my cell phone (don't worry, I found it!). But, no major catastrophes. Everything was dealt with just fine.
We got along really good all weekend...even thru the drama. That makes me happy. I was really nervous. And, I know it's TMI, but things are getting better in the bedroom. I took a Xanax every night though, but it worked. No nightmares. No panic attacks. And the pain is bearable. We talked about things a bit, but I'm still not very good at that. I have this great speech in my head but when he says "What's wrong?" all I can say is "Nothing baby." It drives me crazy - probably him too! I dunno. There's just nothing I can do about that. But at least it seems that things will get better with time, and that's all I can expect, right?
Anyway, so I started bar review today - I fell asleep!! It was SO awful! And I have a ton of homework, so I'm gonna go do that. More later..
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Friday, May 26, 2006
MIA
Hello everyone. I know I've been MIA for a bit. Hopefully some of you still check in once in a while!! I am finally moved into the new place completely. Almost all my furniture broke during the move, so I have no dresser, entertainment center, or desk. Which means that my TV is on the floor, and so is my underwear! Oh well.
Mom & sis have been here all week & are leaving in the morning. K should be here tomorrow evening. I am excited & scared - of course. He's gonna be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, which isn't very long but longer than I've ever let a boy stay for consecutively. I'm not worried about getting sick of him - not at all. But I am worried that I won't sleep all weekend, which will be bad because I start my bar review classes on wednesday. See, you all know that I have issues with sleep - nightmares, panic attacks, etc. And so I guess I keep myself awake when he is around so that those things won't happen in front of him, ya know? Even though he's already seen one mild panic attack. I really don't want to be popping my Xanax all weekend, but I may have to. I'm definitely going to take it at least the 1st night.
Anyway, in other news, the visiting with the family went fine. No major disasters - just a few minor tiffs. My mom is really not cool with the whole K situation, but I found out that my sister totally is, which makes me happy. My mom won't even say his name! It's so weird. Of course, I'm also having problems with the new car already. The airbag light is on, the horn doesn't work, and I think the idle is too low. Excellent. I think K will be able to help me fix the horn at least, he could fix everything if I let him, but I'm not going to. If my dad gives me a crappy car, the he needs to pay to fix it! Right? Yep.
My mom actually bought me a new dresser & matching nightstand today - it will be delivered on Monday. That was very cool of her cuzz I really need a place to put my underwear!! Hopefully I can find a new entertainment center this weekend, so that my TV won't have to be on the floor anymore! The desk I'm not so worried about because it's just the top shelf that broke off, so it's still usable for now. Plus, I don't use it all that much anyway. It's basically just a place to keep my printer!! So, I may just take the money I get from the movers insurance and buy something else with it.
Anyway, so that's what has been going on in a nutshell. Essentially everything is fine. Hopefully I will be writing more soon!
Mom & sis have been here all week & are leaving in the morning. K should be here tomorrow evening. I am excited & scared - of course. He's gonna be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, which isn't very long but longer than I've ever let a boy stay for consecutively. I'm not worried about getting sick of him - not at all. But I am worried that I won't sleep all weekend, which will be bad because I start my bar review classes on wednesday. See, you all know that I have issues with sleep - nightmares, panic attacks, etc. And so I guess I keep myself awake when he is around so that those things won't happen in front of him, ya know? Even though he's already seen one mild panic attack. I really don't want to be popping my Xanax all weekend, but I may have to. I'm definitely going to take it at least the 1st night.
Anyway, in other news, the visiting with the family went fine. No major disasters - just a few minor tiffs. My mom is really not cool with the whole K situation, but I found out that my sister totally is, which makes me happy. My mom won't even say his name! It's so weird. Of course, I'm also having problems with the new car already. The airbag light is on, the horn doesn't work, and I think the idle is too low. Excellent. I think K will be able to help me fix the horn at least, he could fix everything if I let him, but I'm not going to. If my dad gives me a crappy car, the he needs to pay to fix it! Right? Yep.
My mom actually bought me a new dresser & matching nightstand today - it will be delivered on Monday. That was very cool of her cuzz I really need a place to put my underwear!! Hopefully I can find a new entertainment center this weekend, so that my TV won't have to be on the floor anymore! The desk I'm not so worried about because it's just the top shelf that broke off, so it's still usable for now. Plus, I don't use it all that much anyway. It's basically just a place to keep my printer!! So, I may just take the money I get from the movers insurance and buy something else with it.
Anyway, so that's what has been going on in a nutshell. Essentially everything is fine. Hopefully I will be writing more soon!
Saturday, May 20, 2006
I Done Did It
Today was graduation!! I am officially a lawyer!! Tomorrow I move to Florida. More stories to come, and those of you that I know in real life will be getting pictures soon!!
Tuesday, May 16, 2006
It's Been A While..
Hello Everyone. Things have been CRAZY with all the driving, packing, and planning lately. So the blog has been a bit neglected. I apologize. But luckily, my life has not been without drama! So never fear...
First of all, I lost another 5 pounds. Very exciting. I celebrated by going out to lunch. LOL
In other news, things with the new b/f are, um, weird. I dunno. I mean, we're fine , I guess. But I just don't know how to handle certain things (read: sex). I mean, obviously, he's a boy so sex is a big deal for him. And because we see each other, like, NEVER, we end up having to talk about things over the phone that I would rather not. But there is little choice. So, he'll make some perverted joke and I will say "Ew" as always, and then he wants to know why? Why does sex gross me out? What kinds of things bother me? And I really just can't talk about it. It occurred to me that, to him, sex has always been fun. It's never scared him or hurt him, it's never been a business transaction to him. He just likes it. And I never have. But, unfortunately, if I tell him that, it's gonna create all kinds of issues, ya know? Because I know he won't want me to fake it for him, and he won't really want to make me do anything I don't want to do (although he probably will anyway - they all do). So, I spend a lot of time just going silent. Because I really can't answer his questions. I can talk about all this stuff with my friends (both boys & girls), cuzz it has no effect on our relationship. But with him, I just want to keep quiet about it & try to relearn all the things I taught myself to get thru sex before. Ya know, like the whole "leave your body, pretend you are somewhere else, it will be over soon" technique. I thought I would never forget how to do that, but I found out that I have. So I have to relearn it. This could be a process.
Also, there are issues with my sister. She is mad at me. She hasn't said it, but I can tell. Every time I mention K, she gets silent. I know she is just so disappointed in me. So, I'm trying not to talk about him to her, but it's hard cuzz she has been my best friend for so long. It's hard not to be able to talk to her about this stuff. And so last night, I told K all of this, and then he got really upset that she hates him and that he is ruining my relationship with my family, etc. And then I ended up having to make him feel better. So then I realize, I can't talk to her about him OR talk to him about her, and that made me cry. And he said, no I can talk about her to him, but as soon as he realized I was crying he changed the subject. So, not so much. But it was really late at night, and he was half asleep, so maybe he just didn't want to talk about anything too serious while he wasn't fully attentive. At least, that's the lie I'm telling myself today. I dunno. I wish this was all easier. See? This is why I was celibate for 6 years.
Anyway, back to packing. I'm almost done. Only 2 more nights in this apartment! Then 4 days in a hotel and then into my new home! If you don't hear from me for a while, try not to worry! I am simply in transition!
First of all, I lost another 5 pounds. Very exciting. I celebrated by going out to lunch. LOL
In other news, things with the new b/f are, um, weird. I dunno. I mean, we're fine , I guess. But I just don't know how to handle certain things (read: sex). I mean, obviously, he's a boy so sex is a big deal for him. And because we see each other, like, NEVER, we end up having to talk about things over the phone that I would rather not. But there is little choice. So, he'll make some perverted joke and I will say "Ew" as always, and then he wants to know why? Why does sex gross me out? What kinds of things bother me? And I really just can't talk about it. It occurred to me that, to him, sex has always been fun. It's never scared him or hurt him, it's never been a business transaction to him. He just likes it. And I never have. But, unfortunately, if I tell him that, it's gonna create all kinds of issues, ya know? Because I know he won't want me to fake it for him, and he won't really want to make me do anything I don't want to do (although he probably will anyway - they all do). So, I spend a lot of time just going silent. Because I really can't answer his questions. I can talk about all this stuff with my friends (both boys & girls), cuzz it has no effect on our relationship. But with him, I just want to keep quiet about it & try to relearn all the things I taught myself to get thru sex before. Ya know, like the whole "leave your body, pretend you are somewhere else, it will be over soon" technique. I thought I would never forget how to do that, but I found out that I have. So I have to relearn it. This could be a process.
Also, there are issues with my sister. She is mad at me. She hasn't said it, but I can tell. Every time I mention K, she gets silent. I know she is just so disappointed in me. So, I'm trying not to talk about him to her, but it's hard cuzz she has been my best friend for so long. It's hard not to be able to talk to her about this stuff. And so last night, I told K all of this, and then he got really upset that she hates him and that he is ruining my relationship with my family, etc. And then I ended up having to make him feel better. So then I realize, I can't talk to her about him OR talk to him about her, and that made me cry. And he said, no I can talk about her to him, but as soon as he realized I was crying he changed the subject. So, not so much. But it was really late at night, and he was half asleep, so maybe he just didn't want to talk about anything too serious while he wasn't fully attentive. At least, that's the lie I'm telling myself today. I dunno. I wish this was all easier. See? This is why I was celibate for 6 years.
Anyway, back to packing. I'm almost done. Only 2 more nights in this apartment! Then 4 days in a hotel and then into my new home! If you don't hear from me for a while, try not to worry! I am simply in transition!
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Sunday
I'm at Panera. I've been here for over 2 hours "studying" for federal courts. I ate my dinner & did some internet surfing. I actually did get some more of my outline done...but this one is rough! I just hope I finish it by Wednesday! But, I figured I'd blog a bit before I leave the high speed internet world and return to my cave of dial up! I also think I will buy myself a cook before I leave! ;-)
So, I told mom about K today. I mean - she knew he existed & that we'd been talking again...but she was unaware of the coupling. She said she's happy for me but didn't fail to remind me that my clerkship is 2 years long! Ya know, so I can't move in with him for at least that long! My response was: He could always move to Florida! LOL She also said that she was glad I went back on the pill and glad that I was having some "fun." Which to her means sex. She still doesn't believe me that I don't like sex....but whatever. I haven't the strength to argue.
I've been listening to good music and reading thru my outline and I'm doing pretty good today. I feel like writing some poems...but maybe later. I am pretty worried about JC...she's pretty depressed lately. But I don't know what to say, so I've said nothing. That's terrible, right? I know...I will say something eventually.
Hmmm....well, I think I will write a little letter to myself later about all the stuff I'm thinking that I don't want to publish. For now, a cookie. And I think I will call Megan. Goodnight.
So, I told mom about K today. I mean - she knew he existed & that we'd been talking again...but she was unaware of the coupling. She said she's happy for me but didn't fail to remind me that my clerkship is 2 years long! Ya know, so I can't move in with him for at least that long! My response was: He could always move to Florida! LOL She also said that she was glad I went back on the pill and glad that I was having some "fun." Which to her means sex. She still doesn't believe me that I don't like sex....but whatever. I haven't the strength to argue.
I've been listening to good music and reading thru my outline and I'm doing pretty good today. I feel like writing some poems...but maybe later. I am pretty worried about JC...she's pretty depressed lately. But I don't know what to say, so I've said nothing. That's terrible, right? I know...I will say something eventually.
Hmmm....well, I think I will write a little letter to myself later about all the stuff I'm thinking that I don't want to publish. For now, a cookie. And I think I will call Megan. Goodnight.
Insomnia
I have a lot of things I want to write about...so we'll just see where this goes...
I went to a concert tonite to see a band I LOVE! I danced harder than I have in a while...even though I was by myself for half the time! I got hit on by a lesbian, saw a pregnant woman chain smoking, witnessed a ridiculous drunk couple argue, smoked some ciggarettes, and got a free sticker.
I haven't been sleeping very much lately. I go to bed really late & get up really early. My only real sleeping hours are the early morning hours. That's one way to minimize the nightmares...
I think he wants to tell me he loves me...but he thinks it'll scare me. I've always loved him though, doesn't he know that? I think he honestly never noticed. But I haven't said it either...I'm not sure what I'm afraid of.
2 weeks from today I will be gone from this town. I'm already thinking about when to come back & visit. I know I'll miss the feeling of it.
I went to a concert tonite to see a band I LOVE! I danced harder than I have in a while...even though I was by myself for half the time! I got hit on by a lesbian, saw a pregnant woman chain smoking, witnessed a ridiculous drunk couple argue, smoked some ciggarettes, and got a free sticker.
I haven't been sleeping very much lately. I go to bed really late & get up really early. My only real sleeping hours are the early morning hours. That's one way to minimize the nightmares...
I think he wants to tell me he loves me...but he thinks it'll scare me. I've always loved him though, doesn't he know that? I think he honestly never noticed. But I haven't said it either...I'm not sure what I'm afraid of.
2 weeks from today I will be gone from this town. I'm already thinking about when to come back & visit. I know I'll miss the feeling of it.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Small Miracles
Who would've ever guessed that my guardian angel would turn out to be from the Bronx?
I wish I could show u all what BM sent me yesterday...it was amazing and perfect. And he doesn't even know my blog exists...so it was just pure instinct that told him I needed him.
Amazing.
I wish I could show u all what BM sent me yesterday...it was amazing and perfect. And he doesn't even know my blog exists...so it was just pure instinct that told him I needed him.
Amazing.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
End Scene.
And just like that
I feel like a whore
Again
My body is broken and bruised
And my soul is in flames
His heart is in my hands
Now
And all of my screams
Can’t drown out my lies
All those years
Of asking for it
I am evil
Or just lost
Maybe I was right
They are all the same
But it was me
Who devoured all the love
I could say no
Walk away
Stay where I am
But really I can’t
I am frozen
This hurts like never before
I am shaking and dizzy
And I hate myself
I wish I was safe here
Inside of him
But tangled in this nest
Of evil and lies
And shame
I won’t ever be safe
Again.
Help me…please?
Make it go.
I feel like a whore
Again
My body is broken and bruised
And my soul is in flames
His heart is in my hands
Now
And all of my screams
Can’t drown out my lies
All those years
Of asking for it
I am evil
Or just lost
Maybe I was right
They are all the same
But it was me
Who devoured all the love
I could say no
Walk away
Stay where I am
But really I can’t
I am frozen
This hurts like never before
I am shaking and dizzy
And I hate myself
I wish I was safe here
Inside of him
But tangled in this nest
Of evil and lies
And shame
I won’t ever be safe
Again.
Help me…please?
Make it go.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
The Beginning of the End
I have my 1st exam of this last semester today. It starts at 1:30pm. I'm at skool already. Sitting on the patio since about 10am, playing online, listening to music & pretending to study. I'm wishing there was a little more sun & that it was a little warmer...but I'm okay. Every once in a while it's raining pollen...gotta love Georgia, right? Yeah.
I think I'll wander downtown at noon & grab some lunch before the test. I'm thinking Roly Poly. I've been listening to music on my computer and I've noticed that when I listen to iTunes on my laptop rather than my iPod, the music does this cool little fade in - fade out thing, so that the next song starts before the previous one is finished. Get it? It's kinda cool. I don't think I would've noticed it if my iPod did the same thing...so it must only do that on the computer. I wonder why.
Anyway, I'm feeling particularly me today. I really like my outfit and I'm psyched to get this exam over. Plus I'm proud of myself for getting up early & coming here early...even if I'm not really studying. It's been peaceful and I feel like I should soak up as much of campus & downtown as possible before I move. I did the same thing before I graduated from undergrad...I would go sit out on the breezeway and just take it all in...it gives you those little extra memories to take with you.
I feel like I should crank out a few poems while I'm in this headspace, but the words aren't as pretty as I want them to be. Knowing me I'll start sketching them during my exam! LOL As long as I put them on scrap paper & not on the actual exam I think that will be okay.
Anyway....after today I have a take home exam (I think I'll do either Thursday or over the weekend), a short objective test on Friday afternoon, and my last exam is at 9am on the 10th...which I think is a wednesday. Then that's it. I close the book on this chapter & start a new one. As I was walking in today I could feel the weight of the last 3 years on my soul. I feel taller and braver now, a little wiser and more weathered, and seeing my reflection in the doors of the school, I was satisfied with what I've become. Proud to be me, in this shell and with these scars. Everything just feels very balanced. Yeah....it's a good day.
I think I'll wander downtown at noon & grab some lunch before the test. I'm thinking Roly Poly. I've been listening to music on my computer and I've noticed that when I listen to iTunes on my laptop rather than my iPod, the music does this cool little fade in - fade out thing, so that the next song starts before the previous one is finished. Get it? It's kinda cool. I don't think I would've noticed it if my iPod did the same thing...so it must only do that on the computer. I wonder why.
Anyway, I'm feeling particularly me today. I really like my outfit and I'm psyched to get this exam over. Plus I'm proud of myself for getting up early & coming here early...even if I'm not really studying. It's been peaceful and I feel like I should soak up as much of campus & downtown as possible before I move. I did the same thing before I graduated from undergrad...I would go sit out on the breezeway and just take it all in...it gives you those little extra memories to take with you.
I feel like I should crank out a few poems while I'm in this headspace, but the words aren't as pretty as I want them to be. Knowing me I'll start sketching them during my exam! LOL As long as I put them on scrap paper & not on the actual exam I think that will be okay.
Anyway....after today I have a take home exam (I think I'll do either Thursday or over the weekend), a short objective test on Friday afternoon, and my last exam is at 9am on the 10th...which I think is a wednesday. Then that's it. I close the book on this chapter & start a new one. As I was walking in today I could feel the weight of the last 3 years on my soul. I feel taller and braver now, a little wiser and more weathered, and seeing my reflection in the doors of the school, I was satisfied with what I've become. Proud to be me, in this shell and with these scars. Everything just feels very balanced. Yeah....it's a good day.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Differences
I often hear people say that Americans have more similarities than we have differences. This is supposed to inspire us to set aside our differences and work together for the greater good. But I've never heard anyone tell me what exactly those similarities are. I mean, really what do I have in common with a right-winger? Citizenship and species?? Maybe race and gender?? Honestly, I can't think of much else.
And are those commonalities really enough to make me get along with a person whose beliefs, morals, priorities, and interests are so different than my own? Even if they were, should I even try? Is it really so admirable to play nice with the enemy? I'm not sure about that. I mean, I'm a fighter, always have been. And I think it's good...I think passion and conviction are good. I think it's better that I fight to change someone's mind than that I try my best to get along with them and swallow my convictions.
Anyway...no real point to this. Just something I was thinking about & I wanted to ramble!
And are those commonalities really enough to make me get along with a person whose beliefs, morals, priorities, and interests are so different than my own? Even if they were, should I even try? Is it really so admirable to play nice with the enemy? I'm not sure about that. I mean, I'm a fighter, always have been. And I think it's good...I think passion and conviction are good. I think it's better that I fight to change someone's mind than that I try my best to get along with them and swallow my convictions.
Anyway...no real point to this. Just something I was thinking about & I wanted to ramble!
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