Going Back "Home"

On Thursday I am going to visit my mommy, as well as my 3 "hometown" friends (Rita, Hot Mike and Schmoe). K is supposed to come up there too, so he can see my mom again (after 10 years). I'm excited, but also a little stressed of course.

First, because of the planning. I want to be sure to make time for everyone and sometimes that is hard. Especially with K there. I want girl time with Schmoe and Rita, but I also want K to "meet" them again so that he can put faces to names better. My mom and I want to go to dinner at her friend's restaurant and go see Harry Potter 5. And, I am planning to take K to meet my grandparents.

On top of that I think he wants me to meet people from his family too.

So, it's just a lot going on. And of course the issue of my grandparents is complex. I want K to meet them before they die, but I am REALLY mad at them for the way they are treating my mother. So I really want to bitch at them, but I feel bad making K suffer through that. Maybe I should send him to sit in the car while I give them a piece of my mind. I feel like, with all that is going on, this may be the last time I ever see them, so I don't want to leave anything unsaid.

Of course the final issue is K and I. We seem to be doing pretty good, so I don't think we will be fighting much. But he only wants to spend one night at my mom's house, the other nights he wants to drink. I told him we can't have sex in my mom's apartment, that is just rude. So, I have a sneaking suspicion I will be having sex in the back of a camaro at some point this weekend. Good lord. What am I? 15 again? I told him we could just stay at a hotel but he said no, so, we'll just have to see how that goes!!!

May I Suggest An MRS. Degree?

Thanks to the diligence and dedication of my Missy, we have this to enjoy:



I am practically speechless. It seems that she went up there with one piece of advice: "mention Iraq, that'll show them you patriotic!" But how South Africa got into the mix, I have no idea! Maybe she thought she was being asked to impersonate an American who would not be able to find the U.S. on a world map. If so, she deserves an Emmy.

Adventure Monkey News, etc.

Tiffany just found out that she passed the bar!!!! Woohoo!!! That means she can cross number 95 off of her list of 100 things she wants to do in her lifetime. And it has me, again, thinking about making my own list. But, it’s very hard for me. I don’t know what that means. Am I lacking ambition? Creativity? Am I lazy? Or does it just mean that I am content with my life? And is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I suppose there are some things I want to do, but nothing that I would be upset if I didn’t do. I mean, I would be upset if I ended up jobless or homeless, but I don’t think those are the kind of things to put on the list. But I am trying to think of things, and these are what I came up with:

1. Go to California
2. Take my mom & sister to Quebec City
3. Pay for my mom to travel through Canada (New Foundland, Vancouver, etc.)
4. Help my sister get through grad school
5. Go to Europe (this one I’m not sure about)
6. Work in litigation at a big firm
7. Win a jury trial
8. Win an appeal
9. Never weigh more than 140 lbs. again
10. Pass another bar exam

I can't think of anything else. I know I have posted about this before...but I didn't bother to go back and search for that old post...but if anyone has any adventure suggestions for my list let me know!

Color Me Stupid

So my sister, J, has not had internet for the last four days. Tonight, she IMed me and we had this conversation:

CJ: u should send me ur school schedule when u have internet again
J: i obviously have internet right now
CJ: lol
CJ: true
CJ: i am a dumb ass

I absolutely cannot stop laughing at myself right now.

Am I a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

I went to Happy Hour today to "celebrate" that 3 clerks are leaving in the next week, one of them being the RD. *tear* I had a good time, but had a few odd encounters. First was that I found out some very disurbing gossip about TF, the guy that my judge has hired to replace me in a year. Specifically, I was told by one of his fellow graduates that he is racist and sexist. The phrases "militant conservative" and "aryan brotherhood" were used. YUCK! I knew this guy was bad news from day one. I'm not sure what I am going to do with this info yet, I'll get back to you.

Anyway, this info led to a conversation with this one guy whose name and rank I can never remember, but who always talks to me like we are old buddies. In this conversation he asked me what I was going to do after my clerkship, he said "I'm assuming something socially responsible." And that just made me cringe. Because, no, probably not. I will probably get a job at a big law firm, and is that SO bad?? He said "So you are debating between selling out and being socially responsible?" I just laughed, but I was really offended. Why can't I do both? Why do I have to be poor in order to be socially responsible? I said that even if I get a job at a firm, I would probably maintain my ties with the innocence project by being on the board or something. But, it just was really offensive to me. I mean, no matter where I work, I will still be me. I will still participate in causes I believe in and represent ideas I believe in. I'm not going to "sell out". But I worked REALLY hard to get where I am, to have these opportunties, and I want to enjoy it. I dunno, I just feel like those judgments are unreasonable, ya know? Especially from this guy who only thinks he knows me.

Whatever. The happy hour was fun and I had a very good day. Tomorrow is my 1st day in my new office! YAY!

The Asshole I Work With

So tomorrow my office will be relocated to our new building. In preparing for our move we had to put labels on everything with our new floor and room number. Apparently this process was a little too confusing for my co-clerk. He said "It would be easier to just move the stuff myself." Yes, moving everything to the new building would be easier than writing 4 digits on a label. So today, he did just that - he packed up boxes, put them on a cart, and took them to the new building himself. He is such a moron.

But it's what he did yesterday that REALLY pissed me off. I got back from lunch yesterday at 1pm. I came into the office, said hi to him, asked him if anything happened while I was gone and then went to my office. Two hours later he pops his head into my office and stutters out the following: "I forgot to tell you, while you were gone, before the Judge left, he said to tell you that you can take off if you are sick of sitting around here doing nothing." Wow. He "forgot" to tell me. Sure. So I sat in my office for no reason for two hours staring at the ceiling. But whatever, I'm not bitter. K said "Payback's a bitch." No shit. So today, I left at noon. ;-)

The Hows and Whys

I am reading a book called "The Varieties of Scientific Experience", which is a collection of Carl Sagan lectures about the universe and the origin of life, among other things. This is an unusually intellectual endeavor for me, I know. But, my Judge gave the book to me, so I am dutifully reading it as "suggested" - and enjoying it more than I thought I would. It reminds me of many questions I have about certain aspects of scientific knowledge. For example, how on earth do we know that a T-Rex couldn't see anything that wasn't moving? All we have are its bones. How can bones tell us about the functions of its eyes and brains? I mean, it can't be the mere position of the eye in the skull that would determine such things, can it? I understand us being able to tell that it can only move its head or arms in certain ways, those are mechanics. But this kind of characteristic seems more neurological than mechanical, like color-blindness. And speaking of that, how do we know that dogs are color-blind? We can't ask them. Even if a dog fails to react differently to different colors, is it necessarily that he can't see them? Maybe he just doesn't care. I am sure that there are thousands of people out there who could explain these concepts to me, and I am sure that Monkey's husband is one of them, but clearly I have never wondered enough to do any specific research into the topics. They are just things that make me go hmmmm. ;-)

Anyway, this book is pretty interesting and easier to read than I expected because of its conversational tone. So if any of you feel the need to get in touch with the nerd inside you, I would highly recommend it.

School Days

Today is the first day of school here. All of the local news this morning centered around this event. Listening to the radio I learned that this year, teens entering the 9th grade will be required to choose a "major field of interest" which will determine the electives they take in high school. Maybe I am making too big a deal about this, but that just pisses me off. What exactly is the virtue in forcing young people to limit their educational experiences so early in life? These kids are about 14 years old, they shouldn't be required to "focus" their studies, in fact, I think they should be discouraged from doing so. Most people I know switched majors at some point in college, and I think that is a good thing. Teens should have as much opportunity as possible to explore different things. I even hated the idea that kids who took vocational classes in high school were stuck with those, and kids who chose not to do vocational training in high school got no exposure to any of it. Would it be so terrible for a kid to take a class in auto-mechanics AND a class in psychology? Would they implode? I think it would be good for all students to spend time doing as many different things as they can, so they learn more than their little corner of the world. I even think it's horrible for kids to choose a major in college before their second year. Academia is so obsessed with specialties that students feel inadequate without one. Being "undeclared" is somehow shameful, but I think it's fabulous. As a lawyer, I applaud the law firms that refuse to assign first year associates to a practice group, and instead require that they spend a year rotating in some fashion. You will have plenty of time in life to be narrow-minded, pigeon-holed or "specialized", I think the virtuous path is the one that involves learning as much as you can about the rest of the world while you have the chance. Not only will it make you a more interesting and open-minded person, but it will help you to be sure that the specialty you end up with is the one that fits you best. And that's my two cents on that for today.

WTF?

I am just wondering who in their right mind would pay a dollar to give someone a "gift" on facebook???

3rd Time's A Charm??

So, after being told by Therapist #2 that I should read the Bible to find out why I was created, so that I would learn to love my uterus, I have decided to move on to Therapist #3. I have an appt on Thursday afternoon.

In the meantime, K and I are doing very well. I finally got him to understand what it actually means to be "intimate" - that it means things that are personal to just us. He said that he wants us to start going for walks together, exploring parks and such. If he means it, I would love that. He also said that he will try to be less vulgar and listen a little better, and I will continue trying to relax and not be as stressed/serious about everything. And, to show his efforts to be closer to me, he even watched an episode of All My Children. LMAO. He hated it, of course, but it was just adorable to call him and have him say "Okay, so what is going on with Spike?" Too funny.

So anyway, that's the update. Hopefully I will have something more witty and entertaining to write about soon!!!

All Done!!

I finished Harry Potter last night! Woohoo! I managed to get through it without having anyone spoil the ending for me! I am so glad not to have to carry that HUGE book around with me anymore! PHEW!

Nothin' Much

On Thursday I got to hold the newest baby I have met in 15 years! The RD's new daughter to be exact. She is gorgeous. She was only about 17 hours old. It was tons of fun - even though she was sleeping!!! Funny how babies are entertaining even when they are asleep.

So Thursday was a good day, and Friday was pretty chill too. Saturday started off good - I went for a massage. Then I spent the whole day fighting with Korey, essentially about nothing. That was just annoying. By the end of the day he apologized, and I took a nighttime sudafed and went to sleep.

Today I did some shopping and cooking and watched movies, so I am feeling much more relaxed. Virtually no fighting today. I go back to work tomorrow...if I even remember where it is! LOL

I can't believe it's already been a year at my job. And I can't believe that so many people are leaving. I will be so lonely without RD and B! I will have to start hanging out with girls! EEK! Luckily my boys will just be working downtown...so I may still see them once in a while, if their law firms ever let them out! But still, it makes me sad. As much as I can't wait for August 30th because I am going on vacation...it will be a very sad day too. I think I need some ice cream...

One year down!

As many of you know, my offices are being moved to a new building this month. So I spend a lot of time packing. Today I decided to put all of the orders I've written in a binder and bring them home with me. I have been there about a year (August 13th is my actual anniversary I think), so I thought it would be nice to put year one in one binder and year two in another binder. Well, year one needed two binders! Oh well! So, I took a picture of my accomplishment:



Look how tiny Eeyore is next to all of it! LOL Now, on to year two!!!!!

Psych!

This morning, on one of the morning shows (CBS I think), they were talking to people in a small town in Ohio where they have been placing life-size cardboard cut-outs of kids on the side of the road. No, it's not a trap for pedophiles...it's to get drivers to slow down. Apparently drivers tend to slow down when they see someone, particularly a child, standing on the side of the road. This makes sense, you don't want them to leap out in front of your car or whatever. Well, some guy in Ohio thought that fake kids would work just as well, so he made some and put them up. According to the story, the LAPD thinks this is a great idea as well and has called the Ohio dude. They say the fake kids work, and they probably do, for about two days.

This story was funny to me because all this week on my way to work I have been faked out by constructions signs. Particularly signs indicating that the left lane will be ending, when it doesn't. On Monday, everyone moved over to the right when they passed the sign, but we soon learned that the left lane was not closed and moved back. On Tuesday, the only people who moved to the right were people who had probably taken Monday off. The rest of us were not about to get snowed twice in a row. Today (Wednesday) nobody moved over at all. If for some reason they actually do shut down the left lane at some point, there will almost certainly be wrecks, because we are all ignoring the signs now, and will be shocked as hell should we come upon cones one day.

I think the same theory would apply to the fake kids. I think that once you drive by the same two-dimensional child, wearing the same clothes, standing in the same place, with the same stupid smile on his face about 4 or 5 times you will learn to ignore him. And I wonder, will people then become even MORE complacent about kids in the neighborhood? Your brain will be so trained to ignore that stimulus that it may not trigger a reaction. The Ohio guy seemed pretty flattered that the LAPD picked up on his idea - clearly the dude doesn't know much about the LAPD. However, maybe they could use this theory in another context. Like if they put a cardboard cut out of a black dude on the side of the road, how long will the cops beat him until they realize he's fake???

A Save The World Moment

I just read this article and it made me sick.

It talks about a 13 year-old girl who killed her father because he was sexually abusing her. The articles references some statements made by the girl's aunt and uncle. They say that no matter what her father did he's still family and they still love him. They also say that they had "been there" for the girl when she had been abused in the past, and that she had been in counseling and on meds that she must have stopped taking.

These people make me sick. First of all, they knew she was abused before??? WTF??? How was she even living with the asshole? And then they have the nerve to imply that the girl should have been on meds, like SHE was the crazy one???? Sounds like she was the only reasonable one in the family! And what the fuck does it matter if he shares your DNA when he was raping his 13 year-old daughter! You still love him?

This poor girl. She will probably be sent to a juvenile detention center and when she gets out, what waits for her? It doesn't sound like she has a mother in the picture, and this aunt and uncle don't seem any better than her father. I fucking hate people - I wish I could save her, I wish there was something I could do to make a difference in her life, so she doesn't end up where the stats say she will. I wish I had more power and more resources, stories like these make me feel absolutely useless.

My Job Is Sweet - Literally

I went out to lunch today with B, a friend from work. We ate at Panera and then B had to stop by publix to order a birthday cake for his co-clerk. So, I'm standing in publix admiring all the luscious desserts and debating buying myself either a mini canoli (with chocolate sprinkles!) or something called a "Tiramisu-wich" that appeared to be tiramisu between two pieces of chocolate. Mmmmm. But, I decided to hold back and didn't get anything. I then guilt-tripped B for making me go to publix with him and not buying me anything - but I was only kidding. He said he had brownies in his chambers, so I considered going for one of those. But then, I walked into my office, and on my desk was a HUGE piece of Tiramisu! No joke. I was a little worried - kinda feeling like Alice In Wonderland when the little piece of cake appears out of nowhere and she eats it and grows to like 100 feet tall. So I yelled out "Why is there a dessert on my desk?" and discovered that my judge left it for me! Fancy that!!! Next time I go out to lunch I will wish for cash.

A Tale of Two Sex Lives

I have recently been dubbed (by the RD) the "Queen of TMI" - which I must say I kind of enjoy, and my BFF, R, would surely agree with that title. So, to those of you who care, this is a TMI warning for this entry...and maybe for all future and past entries??

Anyway, as you know, I started with a new shrink last week. She was nice, but I left there a little bit pissed off. Every time I told her how I felt about sex vs. how K feels about it she told me I was wrong and he was right. Well, I beg to differ. Maybe she thinks that his ideas are utopian, and something I should reach for, but that does not make my ideas wrong. The things I know about sex are true, whether the rest of the world likes it or not. A good deal of sex is transactional, a lot of it is violent, and a lot of it is gross. Both K and this shrink think that the mere fact that he loves me should change everything about something that is no different with him than with a stranger. This makes no sense to me at all. If he beat me, the fact that he loves me wouldn't change the fact that he beat me. So why does it change the fact that he uses my body for his own sexual purposes? Why should I suddenly be flattered by that?

I asked K this weekend "what is different about how you have sex with me versus how you have sex with people you don't love?" And he really couldn't answer me. He says it is "emotional" and "sensual" and can't be explained. No, I said, I want to know what you DO that is different, not what's in your head. I want something concrete that I can hold on to and say "THIS is how I know." He says "Well, I hold you afterwards." First of all, no he doesn't. Second of all, who cares? That's like an apology, like "I know I just hurt you and used you, so here is this hug to make it all better." Well, it's too late by then, ya know? Just like someone who cries after he beats his wife. Too little, too late.

I told him that I don't see how our sex could be anymore impersonal than it is, how he could be any more vulgar or aggressive or cold with a stranger than he is with me. When I used to have sex with Andy, I knew he didn't love me because he didn't kiss me. Well, K doesn't kiss me either, he doesn't like kissing. When I had sex with people I hardly knew I kept my clothes on...even my underwear. Well, it's the same with him. So what is intimate about that? His answer: well maybe I just don't want to be in a relationship.

But, it kinda proves my point. He says he wants me to like sex, he wants me to tell him what I like. So I say: Kiss me, shut the TV off, let me take my underwear off at least. Nope. He doesn't seem to care. He doesn't want me to like sex. He wants me to like what HE likes. I don't see how that has anything to do with me or love or intimacy. It's the same old story. The only difference is that this time his ego needs to be stroked too. He needs to think that I like it. And all I feel is that I should never have told him the truth, I should have faked it from the beginning. I tried, I really did, unfortunately my own tear ducts betrayed me. And now I'm stuck. And if nobody can offer me any logical explanation, I don't see how I will ever feel any different than I feel now.

Grrr

There is this commercial out there now for Swiffer that features a court room scene in which a woman is describing how ineffective her regular broom was. She is on the witness stand and the lawyer asks her "Can you point to the defendant?" and she points to her broom, positioned at the defense table, and everyone gasps. This commercial makes me NUTS!!!! Who the hell asks if you can point to the defendant??? Unless you are an amputee, of course you can! It's the one at the defense table, next to the lawyer!!! Generally you would ask a witness to point to the perpatrator! DUH! I know this is silly, but really, it makes me insane. I almost threw out my swiffer - but then I got a hold of myself.

Back to Reality

Well, I am back at work. Unfortunately I have ACTUAL work to do! YUCK! I started working on this RICO thing and then, like a moron, volunteered to take a Section 1983 case from E...and now both are MUCH bigger jobs than I thought! Then my judge gives me this FLSA thing that is HUGE. Grrrr. Well, it's fine cuz I have been bored for so long, so I should do some real work. But still, I needed to whine a bit!

In other news, things with K are good. Actually, MUCH better than they have been for a long time. We are making each other laugh again, and relating to each other more like partners than enemies again. It's good. I am starting with a newn shrink on friday, and I have been reading a self-help book called "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" which is directed toward people who have survived rape or molestation. So far it's been good, I can definitely identify with a lot of it. Of course, there are some things I don't identify with, but I think it's good that I started reading it before going to my appointment on friday...it gives me sort of a starting point. I just really hope I like this woman...I would hate to have to try a THIRD counselor in one year. Wish me luck!!!