2nd Round

I am sending out more applications today: Atlanta(2), Miami(2), Jacksonville, Richmond and Charlottesville. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

P.S. Don't you love my new layout???? It makes me so much happier!!!!

Last Night's Dream

I was 17 again, a senior in high school, sitting on my bed on the second floor of my parents’ house. But, oddly enough, I had the same cell phone I have today (odd because in 1997 all I had was a pager!), and it was ringing. I answered it and it was K - for the very 1st time. Like he had never called me before. He said he wanted me to come to his house, but I had to refuse because I was waiting for Z. He said he’d call me back later. Z arrived and let himself into my room. I was disgusted by him, just as I am today. We started to have sex and after a few minutes I pushed him off of me, got up & got dressed. I told him I was done with him, that we were breaking up. I told him to get out of my house and not to ever come back. I wasn’t completely sure why, just that I was sick of him. I didn’t want to look at him for one more minute. As he put on his coat I made sure to stand in front of him, so his only choice was to back out of my room. I didn’t want him to waste time taking back his things from my room, I just wanted him gone. He walked downstairs and said “Really? You are really doing this?” and I said “Yes! Are you surprised?” When we got downstairs my mom & sister were coming in through the garage, after being at a family party that I missed out on for Z. They said hello and goodbye to him and he left. I told them “I broke up with him.” and they were not surprised. I checked my cell phone and K had called me 9 more times, but from all different numbers. I knew it was him though because all the numbers had a “K” in them, like 352-6K98. It was odd. I was just about to call him back when it rang again. This time the caller ID said “411”. I answered it & it was K. I told him I broke up with Z. He said “Good job!” I said “How was your night?” and he said “All right, I am kinda sick though. My dad is sick too and I think I caught it from him.” In my head I knew he was lying because his dad was dead already and I didn’t understand why he would tell such a ridiculous lie. No matter, I asked if he still wanted me to come over, especially now that I broke up with Z. And he said “Of course! I will be here.” And I knew he would be, so I walked out the garage door to go see him.

K says this dream means that my subconscious wants to have sex with him. I told him I doubt that, but sex is like cotton candy to me - I always forget how much I hate it, and it smells good so I think “Hm, I will have some” and then after one bite I remember that it makes me utterly nauseous. So, maybe my subconscious does think it wants sex, but after about 10 seconds of having sex it will see the error of its ways.

For me though, I think the dream means more than that. I have had several dreams lately where I dream that I am with Z again and I break up with him for K. Maybe I am longing for a re-do, thinking that if I had done that, and K and I would have been together for that long, things would be easier now. I also think it is my anxiety in my ongoing debate about whether to stay in this relationship or not. Maybe my brain is dividing up the things I like and don’t like about K. The bad stuff is turning into Z, which I throw away, and the good stuff stays in K. Maybe I am showing myself that the good stuff is enough, that I don’t really want to be without him - just without some of the stuff in him that reminds me of my past. I have had a few dreams where K and I break up and they make me very sad. It seems that deep down I do want this relationship to work. It is just very difficult. I really do wish I could separate the good from the bad....but I can’t. So eventually I have to decide which one outweighs the other. My usual list-making is not helping, because not everything is in a 1:1 ratio. Like sex is a BIG negative, so I need to find a BIG positive to outweigh it. I’m not sure I can. But maybe all the little positives put together outweigh it? I don’t know. This is the hardest decision of my life. And if I stay with him, I will essentially have to make it everyday for the rest of my life. But if I choose to leave, I have to live with that forever too.

Sister Sister

Got back from NYC last night. Had a BLAST with my sis! Here’s the summary:

Saturday: Got there at 10:30am. We went to South St. Seaport to see the Bodies Exhibit, ate lunch and walked around the seaport/boardwalk area a bit. Took the subway back to her dorm, took showers & changed. Went to dinner at CPK, wandered around Times Square and then went to see Legally Blonde the Musical at the Palace Theater! It was hilarious! We had so much fun! The weather was beautiful all day, and everything went very smoothly. I bought drawstring backpacks for both of us as souvenirs from the musical. I also bought myself a poster that says “A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle” and has a pic of a fish riding a bike on it. LOVE IT! My sis bought herself a huge MCR poster, and a little gag gift for a friend. Oh! And we went to the M&Ms store, where we had a surprisingly difficult time finding actual candy and my sister got bit by a xmas blanket.

Sunday: Central Park Zoo – which is very cool. Lots of animals and again, the weather was fabulous. I bought myself a purple visor that says “Central Park Zoo” on it for $5. Then we went to the Apple Store, which is underground, to buy my sis a new iPod. We stopped at Tiffany’s to look at stuff we couldn’t afford and when we walked out, we were smack in the middle of the gay pride parade! How cool was that? We were so excited! So we hung out there for a bit, took some pics, bought a flag & a bracelet and then went back to the dorm to drop off our loot.Then we went to St. Mark’s Place, which is a little college town type area with lots of very cool shops. We ate french fries for lunch at a place called Pomme Frites, all they sell is fries with assorted kinds of dips – we had sundried tomato and horseradish sauces. Very yummy. After that we went back to her dorm and watched Twin Falls Idaho (very good but very sad movie). Then we went to dinner with Sever & Sally at an Italian place near the dorm that we had never been to before. It was good, but the service was kinda bad. But still, we had a good time. S&S are soooooo skinny! They need some meat on them! But we love them & miss them so it is always good to see them happy – which they are.

Monday: Breakfast at the YUMMIEST bagel place EVER! Then we went to the aquarium at coney island. This was okay. VERY long subway ride, but some of it was above ground so that was fun! Coney Island is a pretty dirty & creepy area, but there is a beach which was cool, and the aquarium had some very neat animals, it just isn’t very well maintained. A lot of the attractions had computer operated things that were broken, and a lot of it was dirty. Plus is was SWARMING with small children, so it was very loud. But still, there were very cool animals, like a walrus and sharks and starfish and jellyfish. So, we enjoyed ourselves. Then we had hotdogs and lemonade at Nathan’s and got back on the subway. We stopped at the manhattan mall, and Madison square garden – where my sister’s radio station is. We had dinner that night at a pizza place near my sister’s dorm, and then got banana pudding at her favorite neighborhood bakery for dessert. It was VERY yummy, with real bananas and nilla wafers! Monday night we stayed home and watched Wife Swap and Hell’s Kitchen because my sister was the RA on duty.

Tuesday: Another yummy breakfast: bacon, egg & cheese on a bagel at a placed called Toasties. Then off to my sister’s school because she had a meeting. As we were waiting for the meeting to start we got a call of a problem at the dorm with a check in, so we power walked 12 blocks back to the dorm! We were sweating our asses off! I changed into shorts once we got there. My sis took care of the problems and we took a cab back to her school. She had her meeting and we went back to the dorms, where I packed my stuff, we ate subway for lunch and I took a nap through most of All My Children. Then, it was in a cab for me! Back to Florida! I upgraded myself to 1st class rather than sit in my middle seat for the 3 hour flight. Thank GOD I did that! We were on the ground in NYC for over an hour! But, I made it home safe & sound. This was the best vacation I have had in a LONG time! Those of you who are interest, I will email around pics later this week!

Recovered

So, things were better today. I took a xanax last night at 6:15 and slept well from about 9pm to 7am. I started my day with some 'bucks, which was probably a bad idea because I didn't really need the caffeine, but oh well. My judge was out today, but called at 10 to see if anything was going on. He said "What is your plan for the day?" and I said "Hold down my chair until 5, then go home, pack & go to bed." He said "Take the afternoon off." So I did! Yay! I ran all my errands, did some laundry, ate some chipotle, and finished packing. Now I am drinking some green tea and chillaxin. It's a good time. Except that there is NOTHING on TV. It is really atrocious. But, tomorrow I will be in the NYC with my baby sister and I am so excited! So, I think I will pop in a Veronica Mars DVD and relax til I fall asleep. I have to get up at 4am! So, probably no blogging until Wednesday when I get back. Have a good weekend everyone!

Had A Bad Day

So, since 7am today I have consumed the following things:

3 sips of Orange juice
A granola bar
8 oz of Water
1 slice of wheat bread with Nutella
1/2 a can of orange soda
1 small piece of cake

Why, you may ask, have I eaten so little today? Pretty much because I have been quietly suffering through a panic attack since about 5am. This means I am nauseuos, my heart is pounding, and my vision is not completely clear. Not to mention the truly awful thoughts in my head and the nagging feeling that my heart is utterly broken. But, I bet nobody even noticed because I have done a pretty good job of keeping it to myself. I feel though, that my control over the situation is about to end and I will probably cry the whole way home. But that's okay - I need it.

Today's attack was most certainly brought on by a series of nightmares I had last night, which I think were brought on by the nighttime sudafed I took to help me fall asleep. I thought I would feel better after I got to work - nope. Then I thought maybe after I went home for my lunch break - nope. I called K hoping that he would make me feel better - nope. So now I am debating whether to take a xanax when I get home. I think I should, but last night I didn't really get to talk to my mom or sister because I was drugged, so I want to talk to them tonite. I guess I just have to do that early. I am going to NYC on saturday, so hopefully my brain chemistry will even out by then. I really want to be in top form for my sister, so that we can have an awesome time. So, cross your fingers for no nightmares the next two nights!!!

Great Moments In Super Model History

Okay, so I heard that Elmo put Tyra Banks in her place at the Daytime Emmy Awards. Unfortunately I did not see this historic event, because I have run out of patience for awards shows in the last few years. Also because it is not on the internet ANYWHERE. Say what? You heard me. Not on YouTube, LiveLeak, nowhere. I have googled until my fingers bled and it simply cannot be found. If it weren’t for the fact that my iPod is in the shop, so I had to listen to the radio on my way to work, and the DJ on some random station happened to be present for said event, I would not be aware of this at all. And that, my friends, would be tragic. Fortunately, I got this scoop on the radio:

Elmo & Tyra were presenting an award together. Tyra was late & then got confused by the set. Elmo, annoyed by Tyra’s idiocy, told her “Time is money!” and to “get out here!” Then, at some point during the colloquy, Tyra read Elmo’s line instead of her own and Elmo said to Tyra “Elmo already said that!”

Seriously, this had to be priceless. The fact that I cannot see it for myself is ruining my day. It’s 11am and I already had to have some chocolate to help me cope. Clearly, this clip being kept off the web is part of the evil republican conspiracy to keep me down. But I will fight, and I will survive. And so will Tyra. She is not the kinda woman to let an intellectual thrashing by a muppet keep her down.

Do You Need A Woman To Look After You?

Last night I watched "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio" with Julianne Moor & Woody Harrelson. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. The major theme was that Woody's character was a drunk who couldn't take care of his ten kids, and his wife, Julianne, was constantly saving the family from ruin and getting no credit. Everytime she saved them from one of his screw-ups he got drunk & mad at her. But she kept doing it, kept saving her family, no matter how thankless the job was, knowing that he would likely screw it up again. Her children appreciated her, but her husband resented her. And through all of it, she actually felt sorry for her husband. She took care of him like he was the eleventh child, and he spent all of his sober hours apologizing to her. It's a classic scenario.

As the movie was ending K called me. He is in NY, visiting family, and the battery on his car is dead. He calls me to tell me and I know he needs money, but he won't ask. So I offer, and he says no. I transfer $100 to his account anyway. I know he will thank me later - he won't be angry or resentful toward me. Although he will be embarassed. And it made me wonder, will men ever stop needing women to save them?