I'm wondering...

...if there is any amount of marijuana that could be worth putting a person in prison for 27 years.

...if there is any kind of twisted logic that justifies giving a person a prison sentence of 6 years for 50 grams of crack when they would only get 8 months for 50 grams of powder cocaine.

...if it makes sense to any sane person that when a cop speeds it protects the public, but when a civilian speeds it is considered deadly force.

...if anything will ever change.

On a lighter note....

Is it just me, or is anyone else thinking "floating head"???

Like I Said

This morning I sign in to myspace & his status says "heading to see my baby. Mood: loved." Ugh. It made me cry, because I am so torn about some stuff. And the worst part is he clearly has no idea. I hate to be like "Ya know how you are all happy & stuff & thinkin' things are great? Well, I was thinking not so much." I hate some parts of my brain. Why can't I just be ignorant & blissful?

My Choices

Everything in life is a choice, everything you do has a cost. And sometimes, when it's quiet around me, I wonder if I've paid to high a price for some things. Am I any better off today than I was two years ago? All of the tears I've cried, all the pain I've felt, all the time I've spent with him that I could have spent with my sister or my friends or my mom. Is it all worth it? I know that overall he is a good boyfriend...but do I really need any boyfriend at all? I mean, of course not. I lived a wonderful life without a boyfriend for almost 5 years. Plenty of people asked me on dates, and I always said no. I said yes to K because of who he was, because of our past, because he already had a piece of my heart. But the truth is, he needs me more than I need him. And this relationship costs me more than it costs him...if it costs him anything at all. And lately, I am so tired. I just want some time to myself. I want to be able to take a nap without interruption, to watch a show on TV the whole way through, to have one day that I'm not living in little pockets between phone calls. But I also know that I should chill out, that plenty of people would be grateful to have someone who wants so much of their time, and that he only calls me cuz he's lonely without me. I know that, in my heart. And I know that even if he can't buy me expensive things, that he would be there for the really awful things. I know he would take care of me more than I would take care of him, when it comes to things that really matter. I know that in some ways I'm not good enough for him, and so I should earn it and earning things isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. But the time when I will need him more, it's just a distant what if. But tonight, the right now, I'm just so tired and annoyed. It's one of those nights when I could throw it all away on a whim. Pick out something stupid in his conversation and tell him to get out of my life. But somehow, I make it through these nights. And in the morning he will tell me that he needs to hear my voice, and that I'm the best thing in his life, and I will be glad that I didn't run away - for a few minutes at least. But I still won't know if I made the right choice, and I don't know when I will know. I think that by the time I do know, it will be too late - either way. The one thing I know for sure is that some day he will be gone for good. And I know that the later it happens, the more it will hurt. And maybe if I make him leave now, it will hurt less and I will get over it soon. But then maybe I will need him someday and he won't be here. Or maybe he will need me, and I will want to help but it will be too late. And if I throw away a lifetime of those opportunities, will I ever forgive myself? But I'm not sure if I have to energy to keep this going...even if I know it's the best I can do for both of us. I just don't know.

Now I Get It!

According to my radio station: "The picture of Amy Winehouse smoking crack is probably from her wedding day." That explains it all!

In case you live under a rock, here is the crack smoking: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBuVi7R7QkM

I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not blog about Heath Ledger.
I will not...wait a minute...shit! Am I posting this?? I am posting this! DAMMIT!!!!!

Hazardous Relationships

For the past couple of weeks I have been a bit worried about my health. I've been having dizzy spells out of nowhere and my hands have been tingling, almost like they are falling asleep. Both of these symptoms could indicate neurological problems or circulation problems - yuck. So last night I had a mini-breakdown. K and I were talking about all the things it could be, and whether I should go to the doctor, etc. He was trying to make me feel better, and saying that I should just start paying attention to when it happens and what those times have in common, and go from there. Well, while we are talking I realized something. My hand and arm were tingling and feeling very tiring - and it just happened to be the hand I was holding the phone with. Yep. That's right. The tingling is a result of holding a phone all day long. I hold the phone at work & at home, the only time I have a headset is when I am driving, which is only like an hour a day. And K and I spend about 8 hrs a day on the phone! Ugh. This is almost as embarrassing as TSS from forgetting to take out your tampon! So, today I bought a headset thingy to plug into my house phone and I haven't had any tingling at all day! I am relieved and happy - although a bit red in the face. ;-)

The Weekend

I spent the day in south florida yesterday, visiting friends. It actually went a lot better than I thought it would. I went down there to meet my friend A's baby, who is about 8 months old now. She is the chubbiest baby I have EVER seen! Too cute. And she was really fun and friendly, it was nice. Unfortunately, the weekend also turned in to an impromptu farewell because A just found out that she is moving to Iowa - next week! Her husband's company is sending him there for three years to open a new office. Iowa???!!!!! Who the hell moves to Iowa???!!!! Anyway, that is what she's doing. So, it's good I got to go down there and say goodbye.

Today I drove back home, took a nap, made some chili and now I'm watching my so-called life. It's been a good day. The BEST part is that I don't have to work tomorrow either, so I can do more resting, relaxing and maybe even some shopping!!!! Yay!

More of Television vs. Reality...

Last night SVU was about a 14 yr old kid who raped some 12 yr olds. I was watching these kids thinking "that was me." But it seems so strange. Was I that young when I was 12? Was Scott that young when he was 14? Were we such little people when that happened? I didn't feel little. I felt grown and wise. Probably because I was wearing a bra and daisy dukes. Maybe also because I was walking away from the grown ups all by myself. But no matter the reason, I did not feel nearly as young as these children seemed. My voice was not so little, my clothes were not so cutesy, and I think I was more knowledgable. It just didn't seem right. These kids were telling my story, but it was hardly familiar at all. If I had told someone, if there had been cops and lawyers and a courtroom, would we really have looked so small????

Sucking Up With Sincerity

Last night I watched the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond where Ray gets assigned to cover the Super Bowl. He has the opportunity to bring someone & chooses one of his guy friends. So, his brother & father both get mad that he didn't invite them. And then, his wife gets mad too. This is one of the very rare times where I side with the husband in this show. It's football! She's not a fan, why would he take her??? Anyway, the episode is very funny but it makes me mad at her.

So, just to see if I am right that inviting his wife is just a ridiculous idea, I called K and said "If you got two free tickets to the super bowl - ya know airfare, the whole deal - who would you take with you?" and he said "You." I was like "Okay, very sweet, now the non-suck-up answer - really this is not a trick question." He said "No, really, I would go with you. I've never been to a pro football game and I'd want to go with someone I could have fun with and laugh with, and I know that you would go and have fun with me even if you don't get it." And the funny thing is, I believe him. I really do think that, as ridiculous as it sounds, he would invite me 1st, and I suppose that is kinda sweet. I said "Well, what if I couldn't go?" Then he said he'd take his brother, who we both know he would NOT have fun with (Pussy-whipped Mormons with Crohn's are rarely any fun at all, much less at a football game). It did kinda make me feel bad, because if I got a free trip to say, the Oscars, I would take my sister. But I guess in the long run he would be grateful for that. And truly, him taking me to the super bowl is me doing him a favor, not the other way around. Still, the sentiment was sweet, so props to K for being a sweetie.

A Few Moments of Wonderful

Usually things are moving so fast I forget to stop and take in the little things. But today, I paid attention. I got to leave work at 4. The sun was shining and the weather was cool & crisp. So, I came home, opened the windows, lit a candle and just sat for a few minutes enjoying the weather and the peacefulness in my home. It was fabulous and I feel great now.

Movin' Along

I figured I should put up a new entry so that my boobs are not front & center and you can look at my blog while at work without people thinking it's porn. So...what is new with me???

Well, 1st let's talk about the Am@zing R@ce. This is the first year I am watching AR, and I am in a love-hate relationship with it. Mostly though, I'm hooked. My favorite team from the beginning has been TK & Rachel. My most HATED teams are Ron & Chris (the asian father-daughter team), and Nate & Jen (the crazy bitchy blonde girl and her boyfriend). Unfortunately all 3 of these teams made it to the bottom 4, but luckily, Nate & Jen got kicked off last night. So that means I am at least spared the ridiculous, delusional melo-drama of Jen. Plus, it means that TK & Rachel have a GREAT chance to win next week! Woohoo! Last night was a total nail-biter, and I still have NO idea how my team got to Taiwan so fast. But, they are awesome, so they survived! I just wish that Ron & Chris had been eliminated earlier because they really annoy the shit out of me and I hate that I have had to put up with them all season, but I can handle it for one more episode.

BTW, this article about last night's AR is HILARIOUS and mostly true.

In other news, yesterday I watched the movie "Down In The Valley"...another Ed Norton flick that I got from BB Online. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Ed Norton! Like whoa! And he was very yummy in this movie. The plot was strange but good. I would highly recommend it to anyone who can handle movies that are not quite mainstream.

So that was pretty much my sunday - watchin' TV on my couch! Oh, except that I spent 4 hrs. fighting with K and I made some stuffed porkchops. But nothing too exciting. Just enough to move my boobs down the page.

I Heart My Boobs

Today I went shopping with "the girls". I learned a valuable lesson, it would be nice to be skinnier, but I would MUCH rather be chubby with boobs than skinny & flat chested. We were shopping for a dress for my friend JS, and no matter what she put on she looked like she was 12, just no curves at all. She's a size two, which makes me jealous, but just no curves. We did manage to find a very pretty dress that looked very nice on her, so that was good. But all in all, today gave me a new appreciation for my tits. Here is my tribute to them:

Thank you.

As Old As I Feel

Yesterday, I was like 21. Today, I am about 85 years old. Yesterday I decided to try a new workout program. Today, I can't walk. I am, like, waddling. This sucks mainly because I am going shopping with friends today. I LOVE to shop. Malls make me blissful. But today, my hips are on the verge of replacement, so it may not be as much fun as I had anticipated. Apparently, I am more out of shape than I realized. I wonder if this kind of pain would qualify me to park in a handicapped space at the mall......

Authority Figures

As you all know, I hate cops. I'm sure there are a few good apples out there, but I don't really know any of them. Plus, I've always had a hard time taking them seriously in those ridiculous uniforms. It's hard for me not to laugh out loud when I see a cop on a bike or a horse. But when I see this:

it's hard for me to not pee in my pants. Seriously people....cops on segways???? I just can't deal.

Ew.

The next time you are standing in the grocery store and wondering to yourself "Is there REALLY any difference between generic olives and brand name olives???" The answer is YES!!!!

I Wish I Was Funny

I mean, some people tell me I'm funny, (except K, who finds me decidedly unfunny), but then I read other blogs like In It But Not Of It or Pussy Ranch and I think "Nope, I am NOT funny". Not even a little bit. And that is just depressing. So I think "I am gonna try to be funnier." But you can't do that. Trying to be funny is exactly what makes even funny people LESS funny. Ugh. It is quite the conundrum.

So, I guess all I can do is apologize to all of you for the lack of funny, and do my best to channel my inner-Chandler Bing in the future.

My So-Called Life

I've spent all weekend watching the DVDs of My So-Called Life that my sister bought me for Xmas. Well, not ALL weekend, but a good chunk of it. I was worried that I may be too old to still enjoy this show. I'm not. I LOVE IT. It's hard to believe that there was a time when Claire Danes was virtually unknown. But this show is how she became famous. And rightfully so, she is amazingly perfect in it. She IS Angela Chase. And I love her.

Emotional Rollercoaster

So, of course I was STOKED that Obama won in Iowa last night. In fact, if I hadn't already been in bed and pretty much, well, asleep, I would have been joyfully dancing! I had a feeling Obama was just the right amount of minority to pull it off. I hope he makes it all the way.

But, of course, my elation did not last long. The wind was knocked clear out of me this morning when I learned that Britney Spears had to be taken to the hospital. *tear* Not only is she suffering huge personal traumas and being treated unfairly by the ENTIRE WORLD, but now she can't even take an ambulance ride in peace!!! Good grief. Can't you all just leave the poor girl alone? Puh-leeeeeeeeeeease!

Stuff That's Goin' On

So, you would think that after being gone for like 11 days, I would at least have SOME work to do, right? Well, you would be wrong. So, here I am, bored as hell. Waiting for 1:00 so I can go on my lunch date with my favorite ex-intern: JT. She is awesome, so I am looking forward to that.

While I'm bored I figured I'd write about some more traditional stuff, instead of my little social class exercises. So, let's talk about K. We spent FOREVER together. Two road trips, two holidays, a wedding and what? Like TEN nights in the same bed??? Well, we survived. Only 3 arguments, all of which I won fairly quickly. This time none of the arguing was about his family, which was REALLY nice. He told me that he is making 2 new year's resolutions:

1. To be more responsive to my feelings, and
2. To be more stingy with everyone else.

Really, the 2nd one is a GREAT idea. He said he really is starting to see how people use him and how unfair it is. The 1st one, of course, is a great idea too. But I told him that I think he really is very responsive to my feelings already. There are only one or 2 areas I can really complain about. The major one being sex of course. Well, I think we have settled things in that department pretty well. I told him that I thought this vacation should mark the end of our sexual relationship. That he should just have sex with other people and not with me and if that means the end of our relationship entirely, so be it. I told him I was tired of sufferring like this with no reward and no partnership. I told him that his orgasms are the worst part of my life and I have decided to get rid of that part. He has had 2 years to work with me to improve things, and he has failed. So I'm done.

Well, I guess that scared the shit out of him. He was very upset and, dare I say heartbroken? He said, absolutely not, he did not want to be with anyone else, only with me. He said I am not direct with him and I talk to him in "subliminals" about this issue. (That is SOOOO not true.) But he said he finally is putting two and two together and he gets it. He said he is sorry that things have been unfair and that he will try to make it better. I said "Actions speak louder than words. You have a week to prove it." And, I have to say, he did. He stopped being so cold and demanding. I won't get gory, but things were just nicer. So, I told him he has earned another chance, but this is probation. We'll see how it goes.

All in all, though, it was a good visit. The wedding sucked, but I won't go into that since most of you have already heard me whine about that IRL. For those that haven't, let's just say I went to the wedding with "Weird K." Weird K is no fun at all, and in fact, quite the douchebag. I was happy when Normal K returned for the drive home.

Social Knowledge Quiz

Okay, so here is the quiz. I bolded & italicized my guesses...some of these I honestly have NO clue, but some I am damn sure about. Ironically I am more sure about the Red Questions than the blue. So, I guess despite all of my privileges, this proves I am trailer trash at heart. We always knew that was true. I am putting a * next to the answers I KNOW for sure. If you can grade me on the rest please do! I am not gonna cheat & use google.

Here it goes:

"Blue Questions"

1. What does Dooney and Burke make?
Hats
Gloves
Shoes
Handbags

2. What is Zabars?
A haberdasher
A delicatessen
A hotel
A resort

3. What does Saab make?
Airplanes
Power Tools
Swedish Furniture
Crackers

4. Where is Dean and Deluca?
Nob Hill, San Francisco
SoHo, NYC
High Street, London
Champs Elysee, Paris

5. What is the Ryder Cup?
A Polo championship
A horse race
A golf tournament
A sailboat race

6. What is a “Double Windsor”?
A sailboat
A mixed drink
Pleats in trousers
A tie knot

7. Where does the fish fork go?
Above your plate
With the forks on the outside
With the forks in the middle
With the forks on the inside

8. What is Choate?
A prep school
A pudding
A soup
A college

9. What is another name for escargot?
Octopus
Squid
Slugs
Snails

10. What are diamonds are weighed in?
carit
carat*
carot
caret

11. Who wrote “The Four Seasons”?
Vivaldi
Versace
Venturi
Verde

12. What is the America’s cup?
A sailboat race
A powerboat race
A horse race
A motorcycle road race

13. Ketch, Yawl, Sloop are kinds of what?
Catamarans
Yachts
Sail boats
Racing boats

14. Where would you find ‘Wicked”?
Walking the street
On Broadway*
In the mall
London

15. What is a Purdy Over and Under?
A golf stroke
A stove
A motor
A shotgun

16. What are Kona and Blue Mountain?
Resorts
Hotels
Islands
Coffee

17. What glass is used for Pinot Noir?
Goblet
Tumbler
White wine
Red wine

18. What are damsels, nymphs and streamers?
Womens’ clubs
Drugs
Exotic dancers
Fishing flies

"Red Questions"

1. What does Carhartt make?
Shoes
Automobile accessories
Boats
Work clothing

2. What is the Nextel Cup?
A NASCAR championship*
A horse race
A golf tournament
A sailboat race

3. What does a shop steward do?
Cleans and serves
Collects union dues
Represents workers
Represents management

4. What is an F150?
A jet
A chain saw
A drink
A truck*

5. What is Walmart’s store brand?
Great Value
Value Plus
Great Plus
Montgomery

6. Who is Bill Engval?
A NASCAR driver
A writer
A politician
A comedian

7. What is Mankind’s legal name?
Terry Hogan
Michael Foley
Jack Manson
Cactus Jack

8. Who is number 8?
Jeff Gordon
Dale Earnhart
Dale Earnhart, Jr.*
A. J. Foyt

9. Who sang “Achy breaky heart”?
Johnny Cash
Billy Bob Johnson
Robert Johnson
Billy Ray Cyrus*

10. What does DeWalt make?
Boats
Power tools
Fishing rods
Wheel rims

11. What is a funnel cake?
A type of bundt cake
Fair food*
A urinal disinfectant
A construction technique

12. What is a Boiler Maker?
A WWE character
A monster truck
A mixed drink
A roller coaster

13. What is a ‘full pull’?
A sexual term
A drug term
A drag race term
A tractor term

14. What is used in Snipe hunting?
No. 8 shot
.22 rifles
Trot line
Bag and a stick

15. What is 10W40?
An Unemployment form
A kind of oil*
A criminal background check
A truck

16. What is a Christmas tree?
A decorated hairdo
A decorated car
Drag Race lights
Fishing boat lights

17. What is a brand of bass boat?
Ranger
Bass master
Scarab
Troller

18. What are “The Beast” and “The Cobra”?
WWE characters
Monster trucks
Mixed drinks
Roller Coasters

Social Class

I first saw this exercise posted on Vesperholly's blog, and decided to investigate where it came from. Here is what I found out, after tracing the exercise back to the blog "Social Class & Quakers":

It's based on an exercise developed by Will Barratt, Meagan Cahill, Angie Carlen, Minnette Huck, Drew Lurker, Stacy Ploskonka at Illinois State University that I found on this Yahoo group around class on college campuses. The exercise developers hold the copyright but have given me permission to post it here and ask that if you participate in this blog game, you acknowledge their copyright.

In the group exercise which was originally designed for college students, staff and faculty, everyone stands in a line and steps forward if any of these things are true for them. I have bolded & italicized the statements that apply to me.

Father went to college
Father finished college
Mother went to college
Mother finished college
Have any relative who is an attorney, physician, or professor
Were the same or higher social class than your high school teachers
Had more than 50 books in your childhood home
Had more than 500 books in your childhood home
Were read children's books by a parent
Had lessons of any kind before you turned 18
Had more than two kinds of lessons before you turned 18 (gymnastics & dance)
The people in the media who dress and talk like me are portrayed positively
Had a credit card with your name on it before you turned 18
Your parents (or a trust) paid for the majority of your college costs*
Your parents (or a trust) paid for all of your college costs*
Went to a private high school
Went to summer camp
Had a private tutor before you turned 18
Family vacations involved staying at hotels
Your clothing was all bought new before you turned 18
Your parents bought you a car that was not a hand-me-down from them
There was original art in your house when you were a child
Had a phone in your room before you turned 18
You and your family lived in a single family house
Your parent(s) owned their own house or apartment before you left home
You had your own room as a child
Participated in an SAT/ACT prep course
Had your own TV in your room in High School
Owned a mutual fund or IRA in High School or College
Flew anywhere on a commercial airline before you turned 16
Went on a cruise with your family
Went on more than one cruise with your family
Your parents took you to museums and art galleries as you grew up
You were unaware of how much heating bills were for your family

*These two are edited because the previous wording didn't clearly delineate between people who had their tuition paid for them and people who worked for their college expenses.

If we were all in a big room, I would have taken 21 steps forward. How about you? How many would you have taken? How many steps will your kids have taken by the time they're 18 (or how many did they take before they turned 18)?

To participate in this blog game, copy and paste the above list into your blog, and indicate the items that are true for you.

The people who created this game also created a Social Class Knowledge Quiz which is pretty interesting, although I don't know the correct answers to all the questions, so I can't score myself. I think I will post it anyway though, and maybe you all can tell me which ones you know the answers to so I can grade myself!

Smile!

Those of you that know me IRL know that I compare virtually everything that happens to something from TV. So, remember the episode of Friends where Monica & Chandler try to get pictures taken and Chandler can't stop making that stupid face? Well, K does that too and it is HILARIOUS. He doesn't make a stupid face, he just looks up at the ceiling. I say "Look AT me, not OVER me." and he says he is. Finally, I showed him a picture and said "See?" so then he looked down at me, "Perfect", but as soon as I aim the camera at him, he looks up again! I could not stop laughing. I was trying to take a picture of him all dressed up before we went to his friend's wedding. I have about 4 pics of him looking very handsome and staring at the ceiling.