K will be home tomorrow. He has been kinda bitchy the last few days, probably because he has been on the road so long. On the one hand, I am looking forward to this weekend. We are going to pick out interior stuff for the house and celebrate my birthday. But I'm also a little stressed. First, because I am worried that I may have to work, which would ruin the weekend completely. But mostly I am stressed because of the sexual tension that's been around lately.
I don't know what to make of it. I've received all kinds of advice, everything from "he's abusive, break up with him" to "you are a bad g/f not meeting his needs." I don't think either of those things are true - but getting such extreme reactions makes me think that maybe this really is too big of a problem to ever get past. Maybe there is more darkness than I am seeing.
I really feel like he is a good guy and we have a pretty damn good relationship. I know that all relationships have issues, and maybe sex is just ours. Maybe it will always be there, in the wings, but we can have a totally functional relationship anyway. Or maybe it is as extreme as some people think it is.
I will say this, there is nothing that makes me more insane than people who talk about sexual needs. Nobody needs sex. I'm sorry, it's just not true. You need air, water, food. You don't need orgasms or sex. Nobody has ever died from not having sex. So don't tell me that I am denying him something he needs. I'm not. Not just because it isn't a need, but also because I'm not denying him anything. He can do whatever he wants with anyone else. All I am doing is deciding what I will and will not do. And no matter what anyone says, he certainly is not entitled to make me participate in anything.
We've gone back and forth over the last 3 years trying to solve these issues and I thought that we had come to a decent compromise. It wasn't ideal for either of us, but I thougt it was something we could both live with. But he seems to be pushing for more and I just don't think I am willing to give anymore.
3 comments:
I don't think he's abusive, and I don't think you are a bad girlfriend. But you do need to understand that you are in a very small minority of people that not only do not like sex, but see it as a violent act. Though, after reading much of your blog, I'm not saying you're not justified - just not in the majority.
That being said, while sex is not a necesity, it is up there with things we need as human beings. We don't NEED social interaction, but we sure benefit from it. I'd say it;s a tier two need. You absolutely cannot blame him, be angry at him, or think he's a bad person b/c he wants sex.
And this is a huge relationship issue, right up there with money problems. If you two can't find a way to compromise and be happy with the compromise, it's time to call it quits.
Whatever you do, you have to put yourself first. Just how much of the bad stuff you're willing to tolerate/overlook from K in order to have him around for the rest of it is a difficult decision to make, and one that ONLY YOU can make.
I'm with you on the not needing sex thing. I'm practically a sex camel at this point. :)
Well, Anon, I don't think you can blame someone for having different wants and needs than you do, but I think it is normal to be angry when you have set a limit for yourself that is constantly pushed by another person. In the end, everyone gets to set their own limits about what is ok and healthy for them, and those should be respected. Whether you agree with them or not.
As for needs, I think that everyone has their own individual needs in order to be fully functional, healthy, and happy. That doesn't mean that other people have to pick up the tab (if they don't want to) and help you with them, even if it is really important to you. I know I have needs beyond food, water, and air in order to feel that life is worth living and prevent self-destructive behavior. And it is MY responsibility to make sure I am taking care of myself and putting myself in situations and relationships that support my needs, without disrespecting the other people in my life.
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