Things I Haven't Said Yet

It's been a while since I've written anything down and dirty about my relationship. Yesterday, while screaming in my therapist's office, I realized I may be bottling things up just a BIT. So, time for some "blenting" (that is: blog + venting).

I mean, things with K have been mostly good. Ya know? But every time we are in the same zip code, the same issues are there. Yesterday, I felt like I was back at square one. I am still so angry about sex. Like, really furious. I don't understand how he can say all this shit about how it is supposed to somehow be related to loving someone and then still use it as a threat, and enjoy it when I hate it, and do it with people he doesn't care about, and not be able to articulate how it's any different with me than with a stranger, etc. It just doesn't make any sense to me. He says he doesn't want a hole in the wall, but he's lying. Because no sex is not an option. So, he'd rather have a hole in the wall than nothing. Does it even matter if I am conscious? So, anyway, I have this screaming emotional outburst with my therapist and then I call K.

I tell him how I guess I am more upset than I realized. That I think all my sadness has turned to anger and I don't know what to do. He says, "well don't go to therapy if it makes you mad." GRR! I am not mad at HER I am mad at YOU! He doesn't get it. Here is the dialogue:

Me: "Well, how do you think things are going? Better? Worse? The same?"
K: "Well, you say you are angry instead of sad."
Me: "I know what I say...what do YOU say? Don't you have an opinion?"
K: "Well, it's not that big of a deal. It's not perfect, but it's not awful. I just don't worry about it. You don't like it, maybe you can't like it. There is nothing I can do about that."
Me: "Okay, but I still have to do it, right? Either I do it, or we break up, right?"
K: "Yeah, well that is a decision you have to make."
Me: "So, all that crap about how you want me to like it and how that matters and whatever, that was all a lie? You really do just want a hole in the wall?"
K: "No, I want you to like it...but there is nothing else I can do. The only thing that worries me is that in 10 or 20 years you won't want me to touch you at all. Now that would be a problem. But right now, things are fine."
Me: "Well, I'm glad you can completely change your position on all this and not even tell me. So, how about I just take a xanax, u wait for me to pass out, do what u want and leave me the fuck alone. How about that?"
K: "No, that's not what I want. I want you to like it, I want you to relax and stop thinking it's gross, but any suggestion I make you reject. So I can't help you anymore."

Ugh. So we keep arguing and finally I'm like "You've been with, what? Like a MILLION women? And supposedly they all LOVED sex with you and begged for more. But for some reason you can't manage to do ANYTHING differently to maybe make it less hostile with me? So all these women just LOVED watching you get off on them? They loved being treated like shit? They loved the rudeness and the disgusting things you say and the violence? I need to meet these women."

I was just so hurt and angry and crying. He's telling me that I need to tell him what to do. Like, what? you need an anatomy lesson? A million sex partners aren't enough for you to know what you're doing? If you wanted to make it better, you would. But you don't. You just want to get off, get rid of your guilt, and get your ego stroked. Well, I can't do all of those things. If you wanted to make it better you would. You don't. Just fucking admit that. In bed, I may as well be a 2 dollar whore. Making love is a lie people tell themselves to feel less disgusting. You're just mad because I see through your lie. I tore down your myth. Too fucking bad.