Learning New Things (slightly x-rated)

Since joining the asexual community, I have heard a lot of stories very similar to mine. I started to worry that I would not get any info to really "help" me, although finding others like me was still rewarding in itself. But I did learn one thing which, to me, is a pretty big deal.

I learned about oxytocin. This is a brain chemical that helps humans to bond. It is released in women during breast feeding & in both sexes during sexual arousal and orgasm. It seems undisputed that individuals have varying levels of this chemical. I think I have very little of it. This would explain why I see absolutely no connection between sex and intimacy, and it actually also explains why I feel anger instead. Furthermore, it explains why K doesn't feel that non-sexual physical contact is intimate...his body isn't producing oxytocin at those times, so he doesn't have that bonding instinct. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to increase my levels of oxytocin, but honestly I am not sure I would want to because it may change my personality in ways that would make me unable to be this good at my job. That would not be acceptable. But, it is interesting, and it explains some things that I had zero explanation for before.

I talked about this with K, and he wasn't NEARLY as excited as I was. I think it might be because there is no way to fix it. I asked him if he agreed that he feels more "bonding" during sexual experiences than non-sexual ones and he said yes. And I said, "well, do you see why that makes no sense to me?", his response was "I guess." I told him that, for me, we are never further from each other than when we have sex. I feel zero connection to him during sex, I don't like how he behaves and I try my hardest to remove myself (mentally) from the experience. But for him, it's the opposite. He feels close to me even though my mind is not there at all. And I guess it's primarily because of this chemical.

Unfortunately, this does make me see that if he started having sex with someone else, he may bond to them & lose his bond with me. But if it comes to that, it's just a risk we will have to take. I really still wish that he could learn to have sex in a different way...a less violent/aggressive way, but maybe it is too late in life for that. I still don't really understand how sex works, so maybe each person has a way to "get off" and if they do it some other way it won't work. I don't know. And I guess since I don't know any particular way that I would enjoy it I should just shut up, be his hole in the wall once a month, and let it be at that. I guess no matter how I feel, he will get his oxytocin, feel bonded, and that will solve the problem. We'll just have to wait & see.