Summation

When I was 5 years old I wanted to go to law school. But I don't remember the wanting, I only remember my father telling me it would never happen. See, I had trouble learning how to write my name. I kept writing it backwards and nobody could figure out what the hell my problem was. My mom would repeat the spelling of my name over and over again, and I would still write it backwards. My father came into my room one day when he got home from work and said "You will never get into law school if you can't even spell your name right!!!" I remember crying and thinking "what will I do then?" Eventually, my mother watched me write my name and realized I wasn't spelling in backwards, I was starting on the wrong side of the page. It ended up being very easy to fix. But I will never forget that day. It was just the first of MANY times that my father would tell me that I would never get into law school. All said and done, I got into 13 of them. 

But I think that my father's continued warnings had a lasting effect on me. They made me afraid that every accomplishment was a mistake. When I got into law school, I was terrified that it was a mistake. I wanted to put deposits down on all the schools just in case, when I showed up on the first day, they said "oops. we didn't mean to send YOU an acceptance letter." 

Then, when I graduated, I was afraid they would take my degree away from me. I was afraid they would find out that my good grades were given to me in error and take them back. So I kept all of the proof - not just the grades but all the notes and outlines, to prove that I did it and, if I had to, I could do it again.

When I got hired for this job I was afraid too. I was afraid I would show up and my judge would realize he had called the wrong applicant. I was afraid that I wasn't as smart as he thought I was and that I wouldn't last more than a week.

But now, after these 2 years of working for him, I'm not afraid anymore. I finally feel validated. This is no accident. There was no way for me to get lost in the crowd. For 2 years I worked for this man that is known far and wide to be an intelligent and fantastic lawyer. He read what I wrote and signed his name to it. And nobody can take that away from me. I finally feel like I have earned my place in this profession, and that I don't need to prove it anymore. So when I was packing for my move, I threw out all of that junk. I don't need it anymore. Nobody is going to take this away from me anymore. It is quite a relief.