An Empty Space

So, my cousin D is 19 and pregnant. Well, kinda. She is nine months along and yesterday thought she was in labor. Well, it turns out that the baby is dead. It died inside of her because the placenta separated and it was deprived of air for too long. I guess I shouldn’t say “it” I should say “he” so I don’t sound so cold…but truly I think life begins at birth and this is a body that never lived.

But still, the whole situation is heartbreaking. The worst part is that the baby is still inside of her. They induced labor last night but the baby isn’t coming out. They wont do a C-section because they say she “needs” to go through the labor because of hormones and enzymes, etc. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit. Healthy women with live babies have c-sections all the time and they manage. I think about how hard labor is and I wonder how anyone could muster the strength to deliver a corpse? Honestly, no matter what 24 hours of labor is a long time. I cant believe they wont do a C-section and I cant believe this isn’t some cruel sadistic rule made by men who believe that women “should” go through labor.

But the sickest thing of all is their plans for after the corpse comes out. They want D and her b/f (J) to hold the baby, bathe the baby, talk to it, even dress it if they want to. And they should spend as much time with it as they want….even if its 3 days!!!! They also said they should take pictures!! I’m sorry but that is fucking sick. The spirit that was meant for that body is long gone…maybe even found another body by now. What good can come from having them bond with this empty vessel? Who wants memories of playing house with a corpse? I can understand seeing it, saying goodbye, and even touching it. But beyond that is just morbid and awful. The nurses say that the baby’s parents “need” to do these things. How can they say that? Yeah I guess there are studies, but this seems like an intensely personal thing, not prone to statistical analysis. Plus, how on earth do they measure what helps? This is just all so sickening. But let me tell all of you – if this EVER happens to me, we are flying in Drs from everywhere until we find one who will do a C-section. And then I want them to take that empty shell away from me. No bathing or dressing. None of this “bonding” farce. Also, NO baby presents before the birth. I am staunchly against that. I never give gifts before the birth and I wont accept any. Are we clear? Good. Hopefully I am sterile and none of this matters tho! Shhhh!

To add to all of this, we still don’t know that D will be okay. They are worried about blood clots and they think this may require a hysterectomy. So, all in all this is just bad. And everyone feels worse because nobody wanted this baby in the 1st place, she got pregnant because her migraine medicine made her birth control ineffective. So there is a lot of guilt. Of course, in the long run, this is best. The baby didn’t come for a reason. It wasn’t ready, they weren’t ready – something was wrong. But still, this will be a horrible thing for D to live with and deal with. I wonder, if she doesn’t have a hysterectomy, will she ever get pregnant again? I don’t know if I could. Of course, I don’t know if I could in the first place. Anyway, I will be thinking about her a lot. I wonder so many things. This is just such an unbelievably horrible event….I don’t even know what else to say.

iObsessed

I admit it. I am addicted to my iPod. I carry it with me everywhere. I use it at home, in the car, at work, at the gym. I even wear it in the mall. I would be very sad if anything happened to it and would immediately go buy a new one on my credit card, no matter the cost. BUT I have never and cannot perceive ever having an iPod "emergency." I was just surfing the web, looking for good deals and all, and came across and "iPod emergency charger." Get a grip people. Please.

Lucky Me

So, things have been kinda rough lately. Really, since my last trip to NC I've been really depressed. To the point of not eating and crying a lot, all the classic stuff. But, everytime I think I'm falling, I get a million hands reaching to pick me up and I wonder how I could ever forget that. I finally told K that I was sad and, of course, he reacts with lightning speed to make it better. To apologize for anything that he may have done (really, he didn't do anything), tell me how much he loves me and tuck me in over the phone so I can get some rest and recover. So sweet.

But not just him. All of my friends & my sister - constantly amaze me. It's funny because I have been betrayed in the worst way by master sociopaths. But somewhere along the way I have also managed to collect a group of the most amazing, loyal and supportive souls on this planet. No matter what happens, no matter where I am, I have this incredible support system reaching out for me.

Something really bizarre happened to K this week, but the moral of the story is that he was betrayed by someone in his family - again. The things that his family & friends do to him always shock me. I wonder how it can happen again and again. How people can be so cold. And truly, why in the hell aren't they more afraid of him?? He's a lot like me when it comes to friendship, ya know? He will be your best friend or your worst enemy and he can be fiercely loyal in ways that are rarely matched. But somehow, he didn't get my luck. He's only seen the evil. He doesn't understand the kinds of friendships I have - how I can feel so connected to so many people so far away from me. He thinks that all of my friends will disappear now, they will pass me off to him and go on with their own lives. But I don't believe that for one second. I've tried to show him, tried to make him understand, but it's hard. Luckily, another fantastic thing about my friends is the way they have welcomed him. He has been adopted into my strange, mishapen family and I think that is helping him to understand. It's little things like my friends visiting his page on myspace & leaving him comments or calling me when they hear about a new law that might affect his business. But the kindness is always in the details. That all these people, most of whom he's never met in person, will help him and think about him just because I love him and they love me.

I guess I'm just writing this to remind myself - for the next time I'm sad - how incredibly lucky I really am. And how lonely shouldn't even be in my vocabulary.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Well, my mommy's power is back on. So that is the good news. The bad news is that my father is back home (from the races) and has committed the following atrocities:

1. Left the generator on all night long, while they were both sleeping, just so he could listen to the radio...once again exposing my mother to CO poisoning.

2. Left the generator on while nobody was home during the work day today. Can we say fire hazard? Plus, again the CO.

3. Took the plastic seal OFF the big hole in the wall, so that it is no longer sealed in any manner. Then he left the house. My mom is putting up a sign that says "Welcome woodland creatures, insects, random debris, rain and criminals." She is also putting up a sign that says "We have waived all of our homeowner's protection for any damage to the inside of the house as a result of this disaster."

Yeah, so these are just some of the reasons why we (a) hate him, and (b) think he is insane.

Inside Out

So my mommy has a hole in her house. It snowed 2 ft and then the awning came in thru the family room windows and landed on the big screen TV that I gave her. There was a driving ban this morning and the power might be out until Monday. So if anyone has a private jet and can go and rescue my mommy, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanx.