So, this Xmas was...

weird. Yeah, for sure. This is the 1st year that my 'rents are separated. Now, of course this is a good thing. An Xmas without my father has long been my dream, and that was great! The best part is that he still sent me money! LOL But, things with the extended fam are very strange. First is all the weirdness about my cousin's still born. And then my grandparents seem to be mad at my mom for "leaving" my dad. Too weird. So, Xmas night was bizarre. Very uncomfortable. I am SO glad I chose to have K come here for New Years rather than meet me up there for Xmas. (BTW, he will be here in about 2 hrs!) My mom's new apartment is very nice, and with all our old furniture I was instantly comfortable there. And my mom has done a very nice job decorating. The apartment buildings aren't the best, but I think its the inside that matters, ya know? I did feel kinda bad that my apartment is nicer. I mean, I have a laundry room, and the buildings are newer, and I live on the 1st floor. But, still this is her 1st place on her own, and I think its great. My mom, however, is not totally comfortable yet. She wont even walk around barefoot yet. It's very strange - like she feels like its a hotel. But, anyway, I guess the whole thing could have gone much worse. Overall there were no big dramas. My dad told my sister that he would like to see me - no thanks. I thought about going over there and telling him exactly what I think of him, but I held back. I'll take his money though, no question. I've earned it. He then sent me a text message the day I was leaving, telling me to have a good new yrs and a safe trip "love dad." Whatever. I didn't answer. K says no answer is better than a "Fuck You" so I held back. Seeing his name on my phone always makes me a little bit sick inside, ya know?

Anyway, there was one kinda funny story. Every year my gramma gives everyone boxes of sponge candy (If you don't know what that is, google it, I think it's a northern thing). So, this year she gave me & my sister ours on Xmas eve. Apparently, after we left, she got a hankering for some candy of her own. So, she opened up my uncle's box, took a piece, and then taped the box back up. Well, when she bit into the candy she found it to be stale. So on Xmas night, she corners my sis and I and tells us this story and asks us if ours was okay. It was fine. But the best part is that....she gave my uncle the candy anyway! Well, she had to. If she told him it was stale he would know she tasted it! And if he didn't get any, he would be suspicious, because everyone always gets some! So, my uncle had put out the box of stale sponge candy on the dessert table! LOL My sister and I thought this was all pretty funny....my mom just thinks my gramma is a crazy old bitch! Either way, at least I got me some quality candy all to myself! Yum!!

Jesus Hates Walmart

So, anyone who knows me, knows that I love W-lmart. I know, as a liberal I'm supposed to hate them...but I don't care. W-lmart is a big business, they want to make money. Yes, its nice when big businesses do nice things for the little people, but that is not what they are made for. If you are mad at all the ways that W-lmart increases their profit margin, then be mad at the government that lets them do it. Lobby them. Otherwise, you are asking W-lmart to compete under restraints that don't exist, which is just ridiculous. But anyway....the point of this is not a rant about W-lmart. My point is this, I am now even MORE secure in my love for W-lmart after a commercial I saw this morning.....it was a commercial made by some faction of the Christian-right bashing the evil practices of W-lmart. The guy informed us that W-lmart violates god's principles, and yes, he actually said

"What would Jesus do? He wouldn't shop at W-lmart."

HAHAHAHA!!!! I can't stop laughing at this! It made me want to put on my upside down cross and march my happy ass right into W-lmart and spend oodles of money!!! Seriously, anytime the Jesus people are pissed at me, I know I'm doing the right thing. ;-) Thank you, creepy Jesus guy standing in front of a green screen. You are my holiday miracle.

The Value of Life

I know I've written about this before....but it's come up again. And I just have to say these things.

1. When a crack head gets eaten by an alligator, I don't care. He was a crack head, he was smoking crack, and shit happens when you smoke crack. Sometimes you wander into a swamp and get attacked by an alligator. Sometimes you lose an arm or a leg, you may even die. That's called Darwinian selection. I have no sympathy. And nobody should jump in & wrestle the alligator to save his stupid ass. Society will do just fine with one less crack head. I just hope the alligator doesn't choke on the glass pipe in his pocket.

2. When people go out in the middle of winter and climb mountains that they have been warned to stay off of and then get lost, I don't care. Nobody should have to go rescue them. They knew what they were doing was dangerous and stupid. Nobody made them do it, nobody was even paying them to do it. Why do innocent, less stupid people have to risk their lives to save these people? You take the risk, you suffer the consequences. You were warned. You are adults. You can read. Society should not have to pay for your stupidity. Again, Darwin. The end.

I know, these people have families who love them, etc. But if you love your family then you take care of yourself so you can be there for your family. You don't smoke crack. You don't do stupid risky shit for no apparent reason. And if you do, you suffer the consequences. And, as much as it sucks, so does your family. But why do other people's families have to suffer? Why do their loved ones have to risk their lives to go out and save your sorry ass? We need rescuers to save victims...not to save dumb asses. We need them to save people hit by drunk drivers, to help the sick, children and the elderly. To help in disasters. We should not be wasting our human resources saving people who put themselves in harm's way for fun.

So if I have to hear about those morons in Oregon for ONE MORE DAY on the morning news shows, I think I may become violent. I know this wasn't the cheeriest post....but seriously, I'm about to lose my mind with this crap!

Secrets

I just found my favorite postsecret ever: "It's not PMS, I'm just crazy."

Me too.

Lights In The Sky

I saw the shuttle launch tonite. It was pretty cool. I drove out to the Indian River. It felt like 4th of July (except FREEZING!!!!) because everyone was on the lawn, lined up, on blankets & with folding chairs, with snacks and stuff. Cars were parked up & down the road for miles. Everyone looking up at the sky. Literally, hundreds of people. I paid $10 to park right at the corner of Route 50 and Route 1 and walked across the street to stand on the riverbank.

With about 3 minutes to go I could see like sparks sort or emanating from the launch spot. But when the shuttle launched it lit up the WHOLE sky like it was daytime. There was a lot of smoke and all. The cool thing was how long it took the sound from the launchpad to get out to us. The shuttle was already way up in the sky when we heard the rumble. Very cool. After the brightness faded, all you see is what looks like a huge glow stick floating up into the sky. Then, I guess the rockets come off and start to fall back to earth. It was definitely cool, and I'm glad I got to see it once. But I don't think I'd do it again unless I was taking someone with me who had never seen it before, ya know?

The best surprise of the night was on the way home, I could see the fireworks going off at the theme parks...it was so perfect, ya know? I could see two distinct shows. But from so far away I dont know which parks they were from....but it was still beautiful.

So, I'm pretty proud of myself for going out there tonite. And I'm pretty tired now, so I am going to bed. Goodnite.

Feet

I always thought that I had normal size feet for my body size. I've always worn a 7 1/2 or 8, and that always seemed normal to me. When I was 17, my boss said I had big feet - like it was something I should have known - and I was shocked. So I obsessed about it for a few months, but got over it when most of my friends told me he was crazy. But in the last few weeks I've been noticing more and more that my feet are incredibly ugly! It's true...they are not only too long, but they are wide, and FAT! Like they are oozing out all over the place! It is just grotesque! How do I lose weight in my feet? Will someone please tell me that? And, in addition to my feet, I am also not too happy with my calves...but they looked pretty good today in pantyhose, so maybe its only when I have no shoes on and my feet are oozing all over the place that my calves look fat. I dunno. But I just needed to vent about this cuz it is the MOST ridiculous thing EVER!!!! But seriously, if u can tell me how to trim up my feet, I'd appreciate it.

Too Cute

Sometimes K does the cutest things. Like the other night he freaked out cuz I put a picture of him online and he didn't like it, and he was all self-concious and stuff. And last night he was kind of moody, just from being tired, so we got off the phone and I was talking to a friend for a while, and then he calls and in this teeny tiny little voice tells me he's sorry and he loves me and to take my time calling him back. And this weekend we were talking about New Year's Eve. He's coming here for the weekend (hopefully) and I've been really stressed about what we should do. I don't want him to be bored. I know that normally he would be drinking with his friends, and as adorable as I am, I'm probably not as fun as that. So here's (roughly) the conversation:

K: Baby, I will be totally happy at home; just you, me and the TV
CJ: Yeah, with me being optional, right?
K: NO! The TV is optional.
CJ:Okay.
K: We will get some lobster tails and some shrimp and sparkling grape juice, and watch the ball drop on TV. That's all I want.
CJ: No, you can have real alcohol...I will buy you some beer or something.
K: Nope. No alcohol in my Baby's house.
CJ: You don't have to give up everything.
K: I would. Only for you, because I love you.

How cute is he? Sparkling grape juice? I love it! And then today, he called me like 4 times just to tell me he loves me. So fabulous.

I just wish he'd stop asking me what I want for Xmas!!!! ;-)

Reviewing the Predictions

Here is my 2006 Astrology Prediction for 2006 from Yahoo:

Pisces

One of the things that matters most to you is keeping your promises. That will go double in early 2006, as a friend will undoubtedly rely on you for something quite important. You've reassured them for months now that they have nothing to worry about, but as soon as the year begins, you'll have a chance to prove that your word truly is your bond.

Hmmm...I'm not sure if anything like this happened early in the year. I'm always big on keeping my word, but I can't think of anything specific that I did this year. Except maybe that I flew Mike & Rita down to visit in Feb like I promised...but that wasn't such a big deal....

At the same time -- and straight through mid-March -- you'll also find that several high-ranking, influential coworkers and authority figures will be looking to you to follow through on your word. They may even need a bit more of a commitment from you. Not to worry though. The heavens will be more than happy to help you keep on task, and you'll be rewarded for your honesty, integrity and hard work in a very big way. Sit tight, do everything exactly as you know you should and prepare to experience a wonderful feeling: well-earned, justified pride in yourself.

Well, I definitely was quite busy early on with work at my internship and school. I had that appeal that I did at work, which was pretty important. And, I got the best grades I've had since 1st year, so it did pay off!

Obviously, after all that hard work and discipline, you'll be more than ready to have some serious fun -- and the universe has some of that in mind for you too. You'll have all kinds of chances to do some long-distance traveling this year, and if there's any way at all that you can make a reality of one of those trips, don't pass it up. You've probably been itching either to go home for a visit or to return to a place you've always loved. Do it now, and take your favorite travel buddy along. (Just be sure to carry everything you need right on your person, in case of luggage delays or other annoyances.)

Well, this is certainly true! I've done more travelling this year than any other year! Athens, Orlando, Charlotte, Atlanta, Ft. Lauderdale, Tampa, Daytona, NYC, and Buffalo in a few weeks!

If you feel like a relationship is changing -- and not for the worse, so don't worry -- you could well be 100 percent right. Things between you and a certain someone will deepen considerably by the end of the year, if not before. If you don't already have someone in mind, a family member may introduce you to a potential sweetie -- someone they've been telling you is 'just perfect' for you -- around the end of July. You may have to put up with an I-told-you-so after a few weeks, but if things are going along that well, grin and bear it. It will be well worth it when you take a look around you by New Year's and realize that you've got everything you could possibly wish for!

Well, this is definitely true! Except for the family member and July parts. But K and I have definitely only been strengthening our relationship and it's getting better everyday! Plus, he will be coming down here for New Year's so we can start the year off together! So I think I will have everything I want! ;-)

Turkey Day etc.

So, I had a fabulous 4.5 days in Charlotte with K. Things went better than I hoped...altho not all the issues have been resolved. But still, he was very sweet and we had a good time. It's funny because it's all the little things that really make him happy, which is great cuz I am the same way. We are both perfectly happy to just be together...even if all we do is run errands and watch movies, ya know? It's nice.

The only negative is that now I am sick. I think I caught it from his mom's friend. Nothing too horrible, just a sore throat and the general aching thing. But I'll be fine. Just lots of sleeping and water.

So, anyway, like I said, things are good. I did start going to a shrink...an idea I've been tossing around for a while now. Of course, K says I don't need it, that he can take care of me. But I'm not sure about that. I think I need a neutral 3rd party, ya know? So, she seems very nice, and very hopeful that she can help me. She wants to try a technique that has to do with retraining your eye movements. She says it will help me with my nightmares and panic attacks. I also have to start some relaxation rituals to help with the panic attacks...like meditation and stuff. All of this will be good...altho I think I may need some more practical advice on how to deal with sex and stuff of that nature, but for now we'll see how this goes.

Anyway, I hope everyone else is doing well and that you all had fantastic turkey days!

Happiness

Last week there was a bit on one of the morning shows about happiness. They did a survey about what makes people happy. Of course, the biggest deal was that people are happier without children than with. People are happier when they are shopping or exercising than when they are playing with their children. Nobody says this means people shouldn't have kids - just that it's not the key to happiness.

But anyway, it got me thinking. What makes me happy? Like really happy? Honestly, I'm not totally sure. Not that I'm miserable. I think I'm realtively content. I wish I was making more money, because being poor is really stressful. I wish I was a little more mentally stable and a little less afraid. I wish I had more friends nearby and time to go to Disney World. But nothing really terrible is going on. I just really can't think of anything that would make me happy right now - at least anything that could actually happen. I am really looking forward to my trip to Charlotte. I miss K so much and I really need a vacation. But there are still things about all this that are so hard. And even though I know that he loves me and that everything is fine - I get scared and nervous. I know he wants to fix it all, I know he just wants me to be happy...but it's just not that easy. There's no magic switch that he can flip to just make everything all better. So, I'm excited to see him, and be in his arms, and I just hope that the love is enough to pull me through the dark spots relatively unscathed. And maybe someday, I'll be able to say that all my time with him makes me happy. For now, that's my goal.

Fucking Pigs

Okay, this video made me sick. But it is important. From what I gathered from YouTube, it is an Iranian-American student being victimized by cops at UCLA. His crime? Failing to show his ID at the library door. Watch it till the end, because the last few seconds is a cop telling another student that if he doesn't leave the scene, he will be tased as well. I can't wait for the Section 1983 suit to be filed in this case. Here is the video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3GstYOIc0I

The Blues

I know its a few days late...but DAMN that was some election, wasn't it?? Honestly, I never thought it would happen - House or Senate. But both? I am in total shock. Happy, but shocked. I mean, I know that you would have to be in a coma to think that the Republicans have been doing a good job in DC, but that's what we thought in 2004, and, um, well...thanks again everyone. I am pretty excited about the NY Governor's race too. Spitzer is one of my heroes. Down here, we of course ended up with a republican governor BUT I am encouraged by the fact that during the primaries, this was the republican Jeb Bush didn't support. The only thing that makes me a bit nervous is the fact that this is a test now. The Dems have about twelve to eighteen months to prove what they can do, or else hello President McCain. And nobody wants that. I just really hope they can live up to the expectations. I wish I could drive up there and give them all a good, stern talking-to - just for good measure.

In other news...I hate Katie Couric. I always have. She is so freakin' stupid that sometimes I wonder who's dumber: her or the president - in fact some kind of trivia competition between the two of them would probably be damn entertaining. I was so happy when she left the today show cuz that meant I could start watching it again. I thought, surely, anybody would be better...even Meredith Viera. But today, she was definitely caught on camera zesting the wrong side of an orange. (For those of you thinking "Huh? Oranges don't have sides!" the orange was cut in half.) Guess I got my hopes up for nothing.

So Much To Say...

Yeah, so I was in NYC last weekend. Lots of fun. Saw my sis, Sever & Sally. Good times. As always tho, I wish I could have stayed longer...I miss them all very much!

Also, I found out more about the whole creepy dead baby scenario. Apparently they were at a Catholic Hospital, and when my mom went to the wake, she realized that they were pushing a Catholic agenda. There was a priest there telling everyone "this baby was alive for nine months" and he told my cousin not to call him an angel, call him "St James"! WTF??? A Saint??? Poor Father Baker has been sitting in that damn moseleum, trying not to decompose, waiting to become a Saint, and now this Priest tells us all he had to do was never be born??? Good grief. So yeah, that's what that was all about. They were just doing their best to convince everyone involved that life begins at conception. Fucking sick.

Georgia Bar results came out and a bunch of people from my school failed...luckily none of my friends tho, they all passed! But the gossip is damn good. Some real cocky bastards failed. That makes me smirk just a little bit. ;-)

Let's see...what else? I dunno. I feel like I have tons to talk about, but I am so sleepy!! This weekend I am going to see if the manatees are here. Then I may go to the outlets. I plan to enjoy myself and relax a bit...because its been a crazy month!!! I need some rest. So, I will go do that now...hope everyone is doing well. Goodnight.

An Empty Space

So, my cousin D is 19 and pregnant. Well, kinda. She is nine months along and yesterday thought she was in labor. Well, it turns out that the baby is dead. It died inside of her because the placenta separated and it was deprived of air for too long. I guess I shouldn’t say “it” I should say “he” so I don’t sound so cold…but truly I think life begins at birth and this is a body that never lived.

But still, the whole situation is heartbreaking. The worst part is that the baby is still inside of her. They induced labor last night but the baby isn’t coming out. They wont do a C-section because they say she “needs” to go through the labor because of hormones and enzymes, etc. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit. Healthy women with live babies have c-sections all the time and they manage. I think about how hard labor is and I wonder how anyone could muster the strength to deliver a corpse? Honestly, no matter what 24 hours of labor is a long time. I cant believe they wont do a C-section and I cant believe this isn’t some cruel sadistic rule made by men who believe that women “should” go through labor.

But the sickest thing of all is their plans for after the corpse comes out. They want D and her b/f (J) to hold the baby, bathe the baby, talk to it, even dress it if they want to. And they should spend as much time with it as they want….even if its 3 days!!!! They also said they should take pictures!! I’m sorry but that is fucking sick. The spirit that was meant for that body is long gone…maybe even found another body by now. What good can come from having them bond with this empty vessel? Who wants memories of playing house with a corpse? I can understand seeing it, saying goodbye, and even touching it. But beyond that is just morbid and awful. The nurses say that the baby’s parents “need” to do these things. How can they say that? Yeah I guess there are studies, but this seems like an intensely personal thing, not prone to statistical analysis. Plus, how on earth do they measure what helps? This is just all so sickening. But let me tell all of you – if this EVER happens to me, we are flying in Drs from everywhere until we find one who will do a C-section. And then I want them to take that empty shell away from me. No bathing or dressing. None of this “bonding” farce. Also, NO baby presents before the birth. I am staunchly against that. I never give gifts before the birth and I wont accept any. Are we clear? Good. Hopefully I am sterile and none of this matters tho! Shhhh!

To add to all of this, we still don’t know that D will be okay. They are worried about blood clots and they think this may require a hysterectomy. So, all in all this is just bad. And everyone feels worse because nobody wanted this baby in the 1st place, she got pregnant because her migraine medicine made her birth control ineffective. So there is a lot of guilt. Of course, in the long run, this is best. The baby didn’t come for a reason. It wasn’t ready, they weren’t ready – something was wrong. But still, this will be a horrible thing for D to live with and deal with. I wonder, if she doesn’t have a hysterectomy, will she ever get pregnant again? I don’t know if I could. Of course, I don’t know if I could in the first place. Anyway, I will be thinking about her a lot. I wonder so many things. This is just such an unbelievably horrible event….I don’t even know what else to say.

iObsessed

I admit it. I am addicted to my iPod. I carry it with me everywhere. I use it at home, in the car, at work, at the gym. I even wear it in the mall. I would be very sad if anything happened to it and would immediately go buy a new one on my credit card, no matter the cost. BUT I have never and cannot perceive ever having an iPod "emergency." I was just surfing the web, looking for good deals and all, and came across and "iPod emergency charger." Get a grip people. Please.

Lucky Me

So, things have been kinda rough lately. Really, since my last trip to NC I've been really depressed. To the point of not eating and crying a lot, all the classic stuff. But, everytime I think I'm falling, I get a million hands reaching to pick me up and I wonder how I could ever forget that. I finally told K that I was sad and, of course, he reacts with lightning speed to make it better. To apologize for anything that he may have done (really, he didn't do anything), tell me how much he loves me and tuck me in over the phone so I can get some rest and recover. So sweet.

But not just him. All of my friends & my sister - constantly amaze me. It's funny because I have been betrayed in the worst way by master sociopaths. But somewhere along the way I have also managed to collect a group of the most amazing, loyal and supportive souls on this planet. No matter what happens, no matter where I am, I have this incredible support system reaching out for me.

Something really bizarre happened to K this week, but the moral of the story is that he was betrayed by someone in his family - again. The things that his family & friends do to him always shock me. I wonder how it can happen again and again. How people can be so cold. And truly, why in the hell aren't they more afraid of him?? He's a lot like me when it comes to friendship, ya know? He will be your best friend or your worst enemy and he can be fiercely loyal in ways that are rarely matched. But somehow, he didn't get my luck. He's only seen the evil. He doesn't understand the kinds of friendships I have - how I can feel so connected to so many people so far away from me. He thinks that all of my friends will disappear now, they will pass me off to him and go on with their own lives. But I don't believe that for one second. I've tried to show him, tried to make him understand, but it's hard. Luckily, another fantastic thing about my friends is the way they have welcomed him. He has been adopted into my strange, mishapen family and I think that is helping him to understand. It's little things like my friends visiting his page on myspace & leaving him comments or calling me when they hear about a new law that might affect his business. But the kindness is always in the details. That all these people, most of whom he's never met in person, will help him and think about him just because I love him and they love me.

I guess I'm just writing this to remind myself - for the next time I'm sad - how incredibly lucky I really am. And how lonely shouldn't even be in my vocabulary.

You Win Some, You Lose Some

Well, my mommy's power is back on. So that is the good news. The bad news is that my father is back home (from the races) and has committed the following atrocities:

1. Left the generator on all night long, while they were both sleeping, just so he could listen to the radio...once again exposing my mother to CO poisoning.

2. Left the generator on while nobody was home during the work day today. Can we say fire hazard? Plus, again the CO.

3. Took the plastic seal OFF the big hole in the wall, so that it is no longer sealed in any manner. Then he left the house. My mom is putting up a sign that says "Welcome woodland creatures, insects, random debris, rain and criminals." She is also putting up a sign that says "We have waived all of our homeowner's protection for any damage to the inside of the house as a result of this disaster."

Yeah, so these are just some of the reasons why we (a) hate him, and (b) think he is insane.

Inside Out

So my mommy has a hole in her house. It snowed 2 ft and then the awning came in thru the family room windows and landed on the big screen TV that I gave her. There was a driving ban this morning and the power might be out until Monday. So if anyone has a private jet and can go and rescue my mommy, I would greatly appreciate it. Thanx.

Twist of Fate

So, it's official: the man I once thought was destined to be my husband, Jay McGraw, is getting married to another woman. But it's okay Jay, because I too have fallen in love with another. So, while I will mourn the loss of what could have been between us, I know that I will move on. You, on the other hand, I fear will be destined to drown in your sorrows. Every morning when you wake up, and roll over to hug the skeleton lying next to you in bed, and you long for just the tiniest bit of cushion for the pushin', I know you will think of me and my plentiful ass. But fear not my love, because when you finally realize the error of your ways and come crawling back to me - I know that K will have no problem with me marrying you for your money. ;-)

But seriously, lets examine how I made out in this crazy game called love: Jay is a lawyer with a book deal and seriously rich ass parents. K is a truck driver with $300,000 in debt who is housing his mom, her best friend, and his nephew. BUT I wanted to marry K since I was 12,and I have only wanted to marry Jay for the last 6 or 7 years. So I guess, if the whole "money can't buy you love/happiness etc." cliche is true, then in the end, I made out okay. Besides, like I said, K would gladly share me with Jay and all of his money should the opportunity arise!

Thank You

To everyone for all the emails, comments & phone calls. I know, I will be fine...we will be fine. I love you all and I'm so glad to have you as part of my "family."

On The Edge

Okay, so I've been having these thoughts lately that I'm not sure I can do this relationship thing long term. I hesitate to post this, but I almost can't help it...I need to share this now.

The thing is, I love K so much. You all know that. So I worry that I am wasting his time, and that I am faking too much. Sometimes I think about things - the endlessness of it all - and it makes me physically sick. I think "Can I really face having to have sex for the rest of my life? If we live together, will I have to face it everyday?" I think about having kids and it's disgusting to me. I think about whether I will have to leave Florida for him and sometimes it makes me so angry.

Other times, I'm fine with it. I see us together forever. I'm even okay with the idea of kids and moving to North Carolina. I know what firm I'd work for, and I think of what kind of home we would have, I think that we can always take vacations to Florida. And it's fine. But other times it's all just horrible to me.

I've been thinking that I need to be honest with him. To tell him that I may not be able to do these things. That there may come a day when I say that he has to make a choice. I feel like I should warn him. I'm not as afraid of breaking up as I used to be - but I do dread that feeling of that empty space beside you that you get when you break up with someone. Like all that time that you used to spend thinking about them suddenly comes flooding back and you don't know how to fill it. Plus, I hate the idea of having to tell everyone - of disappointing everyone who had high hopes of my becoming "normal." Sometimes I think that people aren't really happy that I have a boyfriend for me - but for themselves. Like, they're grateful that there is somebody else to deal with me or take care of me, and I would hate to show up and re-burden everyone again. For everyone to shrug their shoulders and sigh and think "ugh, here we go again."

But, I also think that there is no way - no matter what I said - that he would break up with me. When he is here, and he lets himself be vulnerable, I look in his eyes and see his desperation, I feel the fear in his touch - that he would do anything to keep me next to him. And I know it's true, deep in his soul, that he knows he's home when he's with me. But I also know him well enough to know that sometimes he acts without thinking, and that he is too stubborn to admit that. So I know that there is always the possibility that I will say something that will hurt him and he will tell me to leave, and then it will be over. And even if he wants me back or wants to forgive me, he may not be able to say it out loud. He may not be able to turn it around. And that is the thing I always have to remember. That we will always be on the edge. And that's why I am so careful, and why this is such a difficult decision. What do I say? When do I say it? And how?

Woo Hoo!

I passed the bar!! That was fun, which state should I try next??

Out of the Loop

For some reason, I've always felt like I was just on the outside of everything. I always find out about everything after everyone else...I'm always playing catch up. Always the last to get a joke, the last to find out about the new hang out, ya know that kind of thing. In law school I was always definitely out of the loop. I mean, eventually I found out all the gossip (I think) and the inside info, but always later than everyone else. For example, I didn't start reading the major blogs until my 3rd year. Even then, I just happened upon them. And I still dont know who writes them or anything like that. I think the ones I've found are all from UT, not my school, cuzz I found them thru a friend who goes to UT and at least one has self-identified. I know that people at my school read these blogs long before I did. I also know that people at my school had their own blogs, but I never found any of them (except Tiffany's!). And now, of course, they are all shutting down, so I'm too late. And I feel like there is some huge inside joke that the law school classes of 2006 all across the country share, and I was left out of it. And just when I am trying to catch up - it's too late. I know this is all very high school and infantile, but I just feel left out, and kinda stupid. How did everyone else find out about these things and I didn't? It's not like I went thru 3 yrs of law school without a friend in the world, but still, I missed something. Did people just find these things through sheer Google effort? Or was there some mass forwarding scheme that I was left out of? And what is it about me that perpetuates this kind of chronic come-lately-ness? The strange thing is that, for most of my life, I've been the center of my group of friends. I'm usually the glue that hold things together. The one that makes sure we keep meeting up and planning things, and when I was younger it was unheard of that my groups would hang out without me. If I was out of town or sick or grounded, nobody did anything. They'd all just wait because nobody felt comfortable enough with anyone else to initiate anything, ya know? Like when Elaine & George tried to hang out without Jerry on Seinfeld. But the older I get, the less central I am, and the more I feel left out of things. The more I'm in the dark. So, I guess the point of this post is, all those law school blogs are ending, and I missed it, and I am sad about that. It's a stupid thing to be sad about...but, ya know, it's the truth. So, I'm pathetic....is anyone surprised??

Overdose

So, today is Saturday, and K will definitely be here on Monday night. So, for those of you keeping track, that is 4 WEEKS IN A ROW!! That is just crazy. Seriously, insane. I hope he's not actually getting sick of me yet. This could be a test of our relationship. I am getting sick of shaving my legs though!!!! LOL But, yeah, he is in Green Bay, WI on his way here. Absolutely fuckin' nuts! This time he may be staying until Wednesday, so I may call in sick to work on Tuesday. Shhhhhh! Don't tell my mommy!! ;-) Honestly though, it's not like I have any real work to do, ya know? I don't have any cases to deal with until the 18th...so it really doesn't matter. Anyway, yeah, so that's all 4 now.

Fashionista

So, generally, I don't write fashion commentary, because I feel that in general I can't judge others in the area of fashion considering my own wardrobe, BUT this is worthy of an exception. My assessment of J-Lo at the VMAs was human-sized penis in a glitter condom. But Fug's idea of a synchronized swimmer was equally appropriate. Let me know what you think:

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/jennifer_lopez/index.html

Trippin'

I swear, the people who organize grocery stores MUST be on mescaline. Yesterday, my mission was canned fruit (among other things). I looked down ALL the aisles, and NONE of the signs said "canned fruit" so I decided to use my powers of logic & deductive reasoning to accomplish my mission. So, 1st I thought, "Maybe with the canned vegetables." Nope. "Maybe with the dried fruit." Nope. At NO point did I think "Maybe with the cookies." but apparently, that is exactly what I should have been thinking! Even the cashier thought that was insane, so I felt better.

Meanwhile, at Super T@rget, they sell 3 brands of hummus. All 3 are kept in completely different sections of the store. One kind is with the cheese, near the deli. The 2nd brand is in the cooler near the refrigerated pickles. The 3rd brand is on the shelf in the ethnic foods aisle!! Good grief! Seriously people, all I'm asking for is a bit of continuity. Or a detailed map. Or even some of whatever drug you were on when you organized this, so that it will make sense to me too.

In other news...I drove about 700 miles this weekend. One night in Ft. Lauderdale with N and one night in Jacksonville with K. I had a great time, but I am SO tired! Luckily I have actual work to do today...which I should be getting back to. But in case anyone is keeping track, yes, that is 3 Sundays in a ROW that K has been here! We are getting a little spoiled. Unfortunately, it isn't likely to happen again. So for now, the plan is for me to go up there Columbus Day weekend. Most likely that will be the next time I see him: exactly 1 month from tomorrow. This could be good, he may be getting sick of me! ;-)

Why...

...am I so unbelievably sad today? Last night I finished reading The Mermaid Chair which started making me a little sad, and then K forgot to call me back, which made me hella sad and a bit paranoid, and it's just spiraled from there. Plus, things are work are so boring - all I'm doing is waiting for these 2 cases to become ripe and in the meantime reading transcripts. It's like mind numbing. Last night K tried to make me feel better, but today I think he's just annoyed with me - which I totally understand, but I wish that then he would just leave me alone. Instead he keeps saying he'll call me back & then he doesn't and that just makes me feel worse. Especially cuzz I insist that he shouldn't call me back - he should just go to bed - but he insists on calling me back and the forgets. Like I said, that doesn't help the sadness. So, basically, I am just sitting here, on the verge of tears for the last, like, 48 hrs. But, as usual, I can't even cry. I just wish I knew a way to feel better. I'm so sick of being sad all the time, especially when it's not even helping my creativity. I haven't written anything good in weeks. I feel like I should join the emo movement....

Bringing On The Weather

Well, it looks like we will be getting a storm tomorrow, altho they keep pushing back it's arrival. This morning they said 2am Wednesday, then at midday they said 6pm Wednesday, now it looks like by 8pm Wednesday it'll still be well to the south of us. So who knows? I stocked up on water & junk food, but honestly I'm not stressing it too much right now.

In other news, K was here for the weekend. It was actually a really good visit. It's been like 6 weeks since we spent any real time together, so it was nice to have a few days to ourselves. He was being extra adorable, which I love. Every night he brushed my hair and the last night he was here I wasn't feeling good and he put me to bed and tucked me in and all that cute stuff. It was nice...the only other boys that have ever taken care of me like that are Stedman and Hot Mike, and that was a long time ago. Even my mom can't believe how he takes care of me and doesn't steal from me...it's like a whole new world for us. He also brought me a present! A brand new radio for Kit! It's so cool too - it has this awesome pop-up screen thing that displays the song title & artist and my iPod plugs right into it, so I don't need my iTrip anymore! Yeah, it kicks ass. How lucky am I?? ;-)

Other than that, things are fine. Work is still kinda boring. We got a new intern tho so that's kinda cool. She's a 3L, so she thinks I'm all old & wise cuzz I already took the bar and everything. I'd feel more wise if I knew that I passed it though!! But she is really nice and I get to give her work so it will be fun to have a little helper!

So, I will try to post more often & try to remember to update after the storm passes thru! But, if it does get worse...one of you may be getting a surprise visitor! ;-)

Week 2

So, I'm half way thru the second week of the J-O-B. Things are okay still. I was VERY tired monday & tuesday, mostly because K was here Sunday night

Xanax + K snoring = Greater need for sleep + Less opportunity for sleep = TOO tired Monday morning!!

He actually had to deliver about 20 miles away from here, so he got to spend the night here, which was great except for his snoring!! LOL I mean, I love him & I love him sleeping in my bed...but I just wish he was quieter about it!! So, we spent the night playing the "chasing game" as he calls it: He falls asleep & starts to snore, I get up & go in the guest room, I fall asleep, two hours later he notices & comes to get me - and repeat. So, this time, after he left I told him he has to just leave me alone when I go in the guest room. I love him, but I'm not used to sharing a bed & I need my rest on workdays. So he promised that the next time, he won't come & get me. He says he just feels bad cuzz he thinks that he kicks me out of the bed - cuzz whenever he wakes up he's on my side! But that's not the case, he never kicks me out, he just snores! He has no idea how bad it is! But like I said, I love him & miss him so its a small price to pay, ya know? He'll be back Friday night and I think he's gonna stay till Monday. So, Sunday night I'll sleep in the guest room. ;-)

I went to lunch with 13 other clerks today! It was a lot of fun. We went to a Thai place & I had soft shell crab in a spicy chili sauce - it was yummy! Muchos gracias to my baby for giving me money for that! (It was only $10, so I still have $10 left of my "lunch money"!!)

As you can tell, I'm still broke. But it's okay. My mom gave me some money today & since K will be here on Friday, I won't need to buy gas or groceries for a bit, which will be nice.

So, in general things are good. I haven't been nearly as depressed lately as I had been this summer. I think it's cuzz I'm busy now, not so much time to wallow. Plus, with each passing month, I feel more secure with K. Also, I got to go to Disney World on Sunday with M's sister, G, and that was FANTASTIC! Totally lifted my spirits! G works there so we got in for free & then we had ice cream and frozen lemonade and a cheese-filled pretzel! We rode Tower twice and Rockin' twice...the 2nd time we got to skip the line cuzz we complained!! LOL

Yeah, so things are busy but good over all. I can't wait for Friday! I don't know what time K will get here, but it would be GREAT to come home from work and find him here! (Maybe with dinner already on my invisible table?? LOL Nah, that's nuts...we'll go to Friday's!)

Oh, just one other bulletin: I've officially decided that BM is not speaking to me. Don't know why, but it's been almost 2 mos now. WTF??? Yeah, so anyway....

Week One

Okay, so the 1st week is over. I am SOOOOO tired. Honestly, it was a pretty good week. I got some stuff accomplished. My co-clerk annoys me a bit...but mostly in the normal ways that co-workers annoy me. Like how he tells me what to do & then he's wrong & so I end up doing the wrong thing for 3 hours and wasting my time! Or he corrects things that he thinks are grammar mistakes that are actually correct, ya know? But over all, as jobs go, I think this is probably a good one. I think once I've been there a little while I'll have a lot of freedom, which is good. It doesn't seem like it will be too overwhelming. The best part is that there aren't really deadlines for anything, I mean, who's gonna tell a judge to hurry up? Of course I have to work at a decent speed, but the pressure isn't crazy. This week I did 2 Summary Judgment motions, a remand order and an order granting a time extension. The summary judgments haven't been posted yet, I still need to judge to read them over, but I got the outcome right on both of them so that's good.

But still, it is a job. So I do get bored - especially after lunch! Maybe once my caseload gets a little heavier I won't be so bored, but still the end of the day will always feel like its just dragging on! Today my Judge took me out to lunch, so I thought that would break it up a bit more - not so much. But, this is life! And I'm a part of it!

The good news is: NO HOMEWORK!!! So I actually have the weekend off!! Sunday morning I may go to Disney for a bit & ride a few rides with a friend & then in the afternoon K is gonna be here...so that is cool! The only problem is, that means I have to clean this place up by Sunday! So, I'm off to do that now. Hope everyone had a fab week!!!

Almost Grown

So, I start my job on Monday. Tomorrow I have to go in for a bit of orientation. As much as I am excited about my new job - I love the people and the office I'll be in - I am scared. I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff. This is it. I am no longer a student. Everyday will be the same - get up at the same time, drive to the same place, sit at the same desk, go home at the same time. I'm used to starting my life over every 3 or 4 months. That's what I liked best about school. Every few months you get to throw everything out & start over. I loved picking out new classes, buying new books, and meeting new teachers. Luckily, this job is only 2 years, so it doesn't feel quite so terminal. But still, it does feel like it's the end of my freedom. After these 2 years I will most likely go to work for a law firm - which we all know IS terminal. I hope to someday be able to teach - whether undergrad or law school. That would be a break from the daily grind. But I've never been one of those people who couldn't wait to grow up & get a job. I always knew how lucky I was to be a student and to have minimal resonsibilities and I was never too anxious for it to end. Plus, I feel like all the milestones I've been waiting for are over now. There's no next thing. I mean, maybe it will be my wedding? But we have to talk about when we really want to do it. For now it's just this big, open, amorphous future. Someday K and I may get married, someday we may buy a house, someday we may have or adopt kids...but there is no longer a plan that I am waiting to play out. Prior to this I always had dates to look forward to: graduating, moving, finishing bar review, the bar exam, starting my job. Now, there are no dates. Just empty calendars. Maybe I should be excited at the endless possibilities, but I am way too left-brained to think that way. I just don't ever want my life to become boring. Not that it's been overly action-packed in the past, but it hasn't ever been routine. I'm always moving & starting new lives with new friends in new places. I don't ever want to get too comfortable in one place. Anyway, maybe the regular paycheck will make up for the hideous monotony....we'll just have to wait & see. As for now, I still have 4 days of being a kid left. Too bad I can't afford to go to Disney World!!

Pain

I've decided to quit smoking - again. It's stopped being fun & started to make me feel like crap again. I guess I'm too old for this shit. My biggest worry is that if I stop smoking I'll start cutting myself again. I don't know why, but I think about it all the time. It's like being hungry, it's just a craving that I can't get away from. I think about the razors sitting idly in my toolbox, I think about where I could hide it that K wouldn't notice, I just can't get it out of my mind. And I think that if I don't have a smoke in my hand, I'll be more likely to put a razor in my hand. It's not the nicotine I'm addicted to, it's the habit. The having something to do with my hands - something to destract my mind. I don't know. All I know is that I need to stop smoking. I'll worry about the other vices as they come.

The Nights

Sometimes I feel like I’m conducting my own autopsy. Like I am tearing myself apart to look inside and see what went wrong – so I can be sure it doesn’t happen again. I pick at old scabs and rip open old wounds, not just to watch them bleed, but to dig deep inside of them. And what do I find? Nothing but old pain and bad memories. This exercise doesn’t seem to be making me any stronger. But I do it anyway. I read old poems & journal entries, listen to songs from my past, and talk about things best forgotten. I suppose I could ignore the past & the memories. When they come up I could stuff them back down again. I always promise myself I’m gonna do that – that this time will be different. I tell myself that I will be stronger, that I wont let things hurt so much, that I’m gonna be easy-going and laid back. But it never works. The drama weaves itself in and out of me and I cant be myself without it – I can’t breathe without it. So he says I need to relax, to trust him and get to know myself better. He says he’s gonna teach me not to be afraid, that I can do anything I want and nothing should hold me back. That it’s just me and him here and nothing else matters. And of course, I know deep down that he’s right. But when the pain is so real that the only way out is to slice myself open, when the reality is actually sitting in this room with me, good intentions are meaningless. I can’t see straight. I can’t make it out alive. And no amount of common sense or stability will change this. I am a victim of my own moral superiority. Late at night, when all I can see is darkness, when I find peace in every breath of smoke, when I put the space of this room between him and I, there is no way to escape the tragedy. No matter how far I dig down, no matter how much I break apart, no answers seem to come. As hard as I try I will never be alone, because the shadows of my past are welded to my soul. That is all there is.

6/27/05

Somewhere in this empire
His mind is unraveling
One string at a time
And he watches as the darkness
Creeps across his walls
Like an old movie
With love woven thru mindless chatter
In and out of clichés
And soapbox philosophy

Somewhere in this land
She smiles and laughs
As if there is nothing better to do
Than live in the fiction on the screen
She bides her time
Between appointments and get-togethers
And thinks of years to come

And someday soon to come
His tattered mind
Will find her lazy smile
And it will be both glorious
And gruesome
As they both become
Famous and infamous
In the same instant
When he touches her
It will be the last touch she ever feels
And the first thrill for him
Someday, somewhere
When this dangerous triangle
Comes together

Shoe Therapy

Pink Sandals: $6.00
White Sandals: $5.00
FL's tax holiday falling on the day after the bar exam: Priceless

Break

Yo Shaniqua. I love you. Call me.

And other such randomness....

Half Over.

Yeah, so I finished the "FL Portion" of the FL Bar today. I am forbidden from disclosing the substance of the questions, so I will be intentionally vague. I will say this though: the 2 topics I dreaded most were NOT on the exam!!! This was very exciting except for the fact that I spent SO much time cramming on those subjects that I forgot almost everything about all the other subjects that I knew back in May & June. Oh well, you win some...

I did decide one thing though: there should be some sort of Darwinian "weed out" process that begins as soon as you enter the convention center. Here are some examples:

1. We all received several emails telling us when to get there, what to bring, and what not to bring. If you show up late, forget to bring something, or show up with prohibited items - you automatically fail the bar and have to come back in February.

2. We have to stand in line to sign in. Each line is designated with a particular section of the alphabet. You find the sign indicating the section of the alphabet that your name is in & stand in that line. If you are too dumb to know either the alphabet or your last name & get all the way to the front before discovering you are in the wrong line - you fail the bar. A trap door will open below you and you will disappear.

3. You have been a member of the human race for at least 23 years. The bar exam consists of large group of people in a confined space for several hours. If you show up (a) without deodorant or (b) covered in obnoxious perfume or cologne - you fail the bar. The rest of us are allowed to set you on fire just to watch you burn.

I think provisions such as these would be beneficial to all of us. Those of us who have evolved to acceptable levels have fewer to compete with and those who will be grading exams will have less to do. I see this as a win-win situation. I think, if I pass the bar, I will propose these suggestions at the next meeting of bar examiners.

Crawling Out...

So, today is a little better. I'm in Tampa...already for the bar, well as ready as I can be I guess. I had dinner & some ice cream with a good friend, and that made me feel better. And K has been VERY nice today. So that makes me feel a little better. I am just SO freaking tired right now I can't hold my eyes open. I am also damn sweaty cuzz it is freakin' hot here! So, I am gonna shower & get in bed and CRASH!!! See u all on the other side of the bar...

Down In A Hole

I'm not in a good place. My heart is pounding. I'm shaking. My stomach is icky. I'm having thoughts I should not be having. Keeping myself from things I shouldn't have to. Going back to places in my mind I never want to see.

Why am I posting about this? I don't know. Better than waiting for the phone to ring? There is no answer to this disease. It's coming back for more of me. I wonder what there is left to take. This isn't me.

I'm Pretty When He's Drunk

Yeah, so I had my 1st experience with K drunk-dialing me last night. It was, well, interesting. I totally want to tell you all about it...even tho he says I can't tell anyone (but he doesn't even know I have a blog - so what's the diff?). But ya know, the bar is in...umm...3? er 2?....well, it's on Tuesday. So I should not be blogging right now.

But look for a rather interesting story involving a ring and Bolivians on Wednesday or Thursday.

Slummin' It

Yesterday Haley Joel Osment was in a car accident. Apparently he's doing fine. He broke a rib & hurt his shoulder when he drove his 1995 Saturn into a mailbox. Yes, that's right. I said his 1995 Saturn!!!!!!!!!

I know he's not a "superstar' but he's been in at least 10 movies including Forrest Gump, The Sixth Sense and Pay It Forward - I would think he could afford something a BIT more stylish??? I mean, I'm unemployed & K's a truck driver and we BOTH have nicer cars than that!!! Good lord. Maybe we should take up a charitable collection for poor little Haley. Maybe we could bump him up to, say, a 1997 Saturn??? Or maybe we could convince Oprah to give him a brand new Pontiac? Clearly, he is in need.

The Home Stretch

So, the bar exam is Tuesday, and today is Thursday. It's gettin' pretty close. I'm still not "scared" I guess. I know I should be - I dont know NEAR as much as I should. But my multiple choice scores have been improving, so I'm getting more confident. Mostly though, this is all such crap. These stupid nit-picky little rules drive me nuts! Like, did you know:

1. There is a hearsay exception for notes about family history written in family bibles?? (What about family Qu'rans?)

2. Under common law, burning down a building is NOT arson? (Nope, has to be a "dwelling")

3. It is unconstitutional for Virginia to tax a resident on income earned disproportionately in other states? (Funny, because NY had no problem taking tax money from me when I lived in FL for 3 years!!)

Yeah, so these are just a few of the ridiculous things I have encountered in the last few days. The thing is, that I will NEVER forget these 3 things now...but there are 10 million other obscurities lurking in the wings to trip me up during the actual exam! But, alas, there is nothing I can do about it. So, off to Starbucks I go, to do MORE practice questions!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!

Modern Mammary Miracles

So, seriously, I could blog about Tyra Banks, like, everyday!!! She is just so bizarre. Plus, her show is on some channel at any given moment of any given day! Almost every time I take a break from bar review hell (more on that later), I scan the channels and Tyra is somewhere.

K says she is a disgrace to her race. I agree. Of course, I am speaking of the HUMAN RACE!!!! Yeah, it's that bad.

So, "What" you may ask, "did Tyra do to disgust and amaze you this time?" Well, I will tell you: she had an ultrasound of her boobs done on national television! Who does that???? Tyra.

This is not all. It's not just the ultrasound that appalled me - it was the entire presentation. You see, this segment of her show was devoted to determining, by ultrasound, whether her boobs were real or fake. Of course, this is very important to the entire world - who doesn't need to know whether Tyra's boobs are fake?? Exactly.

So, in an effort to boost her own ego even more she brought another girl on stage with her. That girl got the ultrasound first and the very professional and credentialled plastic surgeon declared that the "black space" on the ultrasound revealed that specimen number one had saline implants. Tyra then emphasized this fact by making specimen number one admit to said saline implants herself.

Great. Now it's Tyra's turn. The ultrasound begins and Tyra says "I don't see any black spots!" Really?? No shit!! Did we really think you would do this if it would expose implants on you??? Okay. But Tyra, desperate to clarify for the world that her tits are genuine & homegrown, becomes concerned that the people at home will think she is using "trick photography." In an attempt to insure against this catastrophe she invites her audience to "shout things out so the people at home know I have real breasts." The crowd goes silent and one woman yells "She has real breasts!!!" That woman is my hero.

No, Tyra says. She wants you to yell instructions to the technician controlling the ultrasound like "make circles" or something so that people at home can see her responding to the LIVE studio audience instructions. Apparently, the home audience believes that Tyra has to power of trick photography but not audio overlay. Not to mention the fact that there is no way to know that the ultrasound monitor is actually displaying a live feed. But never mind all that.

The point is, after years of painstaking investigation and multiple hypotheses by brilliant scholars, the age old question of whether or not Tyra's boobs are real has finally been answered. Or not - depending on whether or not you believe that audience member in the back row. Personally, I never doubted you Tyra. I always believed in your boobs. I have true faith. I hold them up as god-like, really. My boobs have long been inspired by them and strive on a daily basis to be even half as good as your boobs. Thank you for giving me and my tits something to strive for. Tyra, what would I do without you?

Interlude

So, my life is pretty much: wake up, eat, call K, study, eat & call K, study, eat & call mom & sis, study, call K, shower, call K, go to sleep. Everyday. That's what I do. I decided to break it up a little bit by going to starbucks at least once a day, getting a non-fat chai latte, and studying there for a couple of hours. I also try to work out every other day. But still, I'm pretty fuckin' bored.

But last night, I got to see K...which broke up the monotony of the phone conversations a bit!! No, but really, it was nice. We ate dinner together & watched School of Rock (which I had never seen and was actually pretty funny). I spent the night with him in Tampa and came home this morning. It was a sex-less visit which was nice because I don't need to deal with those issues. He was really sweet. He kept talking about how he knows what I'm thinking without me saying anything because he's love with me. We were finishing each other's sentences and stuff and he really liked that. And when I was leaving we said "I love you" at the same time, which he really loved. He's so cute sometimes. He just really loves being bonded with me like this - I think it's so cute coming from him.

But, I'm back home now - and he's back on the road now. I secretly slipped my class ring onto his necklace - we'll see how long it takes for him to notice. But he keeps his father's ring on that necklace, so I figured he needed some of me on there too. ;-) He actually wanted me to take the necklace when I was leaving Charlotte, but I was worried that if I took the necklace he might lose his dad's ring and that would absolutely kill him. He also gave me a new car stereo for Kit. It's just like his, except one model older. It's cuzz the radio that's in there now doesn't go loud enough. Plus, with this one I can plug my iPod right into it & not have to use my iTrip. So, as soon as one of us has some extra cash, I will go get it installed. I'm sure he'll be putting new speakers in there eventually too! He just can't stand not to pimp my ride! LOL

Anyway, I am damn tired and everything hurts! I'm on the phone with K, and we will both be going to sleep soon. Then, another day of studying!!! Only a week left until the bar!! Then I will be a new woman! Or at least I will be free from bar review hell! (Until I find out that I failed and have to start studying again!!)

Rollercoaster

So last night was awful. But today was pretty damn good! So I am in a fairly happy mood right now. Here's the story:

The bar is like, eleven days away? The formal review classes are over, so I am studying on my own. I was pretty excited about that but then yesterday, despite my plan to "get ahead" I only got like, an hour ahead, smoked 4 ciggarettes, didn't work out, and spent like 6 hrs on the phone with K. I was kinda mad at him for this because it started when he "called me back" after I had said I would call him back after a few hrs of studying. Honestly, I think he just forgot & innocently called me back as he would normally do. I am a grown up (or so he says) and I should have just told him to go away. But he was not in a very good mood and I didn't want to make him mad - that plan totally failed.

So the stress of the day mounted until I started a fight with him about something completely stupid at about 9pm. So we argued about that for like an hour or so and then I made a fatal mistake. I told him that I wasn't studying like I should be because I was too afraid of losing him. (Insert graphic of mushroom cloud here.)

So, of course, he is SO upset about that and takes it to the absolute extreme. He says he's just gonna go away then, so that I will do what I need to do and not fuck up my career for him, etc. So, I think he is like breaking up with me, which of course makes me just insanely upset. So, I'm crying - which he hates. And he is getting more upset and so am I and things are being said that should not be said and everything is just getting ridiculous. So finally I said "Stop. This is not about you punishing me until I get my grades up or something. I'm an adult. I just want things to be normal with us. And I need you to hear me when I say that I need to study and not guilt me or get mad - even as a joke."

Yeah, so he says he "loves me to pieces" - which if you know him, you know is just too cute for words & he says that all the time - and that he's not going anywhere. He just wants me to do my work and do what I need to do. He says I worked too hard for this and he's not gonna let me fuck it all up because of him. Which I know is true. I can't fuck this up. I need to behave and study. So, anyway, it was just a very negative night and even though he was reassuring at night, I was still stressed & upset.

So, I didn't sleep well. Nightmares and such. I woke up at 8 with this really sick feeling, so I tried to go back to sleep for about an hour and then I called him back. I just needed to know that we really were back to normal. We are. He did the whole "I love you more than you know. I'm gonna marry you. I'm supporting you. I'm gonna make sure you do what you gotta do." thing and it was sweet. I felt tons better and went back to sleep until 11am.

Then I got up, did LOTS of homework and worked out. Then went to Starbucks and did more work. Smoked zero ciggarettes. And then I found out that he is gonna be on his way to Tampa tomorrow! So I promised I would do even MORE homework, which I did, so that I can see him on Sunday. I promised him I would work my butt off so that I could spend Sunday evening with him and not sacrifice my work. I can't wait!

Also, he is switching jobs so that he can be "home" every weekend. He says his home is with me now...even though he just bought his own house 600 miles away! But we decided he will alternate, one weekend here and one up there. He's gonna try to start the new job in October or November. This makes me wickedly happy for 2 reasons: I will see him more & he won't have to drive thru bad weather in the winter because he will only be in the southeast.

So, yeah, everything is fabulous now. I think I may even do some more work now. Goodnite!

6/13/00

My beauty, shadowed
My innocence, broken
The sun
Streamed thru bars
Bounced off windows
I waited
Concentrated on the beauty
Tried to ignore
The obvious
His hands
Were wrapped around my wrists
I wondered how he could
Balance
Afraid he would fall
And crush me
That I would be nothing
When he was done
I heard voices
Tears
Of those I loved
As they watched
Helplessly
I thought of the playground
My cousin’s soccer game
The places I should be
Instead of here
I was afraid the blood
Would stain
That someone would notice
And I’d need a reason
I tried to find a reason
I could see the lawn
Was overgrown
That was his chore
He hadn’t done it today
He had other things on his mind
Taking up his agenda
Me
And as he felt me relaxing
Giving in
I felt him slowing
I heard noises from his mouth
I’d never heard before
I wanted to kiss him
To make them stop
I wanted my choice back
The chance to say “yes”
So there wouldn’t be a fight
The chance to be prepared
But I’d lost
Chose the wrong door
And I felt my life
Seeping out of me
I knew for sure
I had lost my freedom
I bought myself a room
With no doors or windows
Or clean air
A room
Which no one would be willing
To save me from
A room with no beautyAnd no choices

Paging Dr. Banks...

So, I was up late last night and I happened upon the Tyra Banks show. Yeah, I know. But she was talking to teens about sex, so I had to watch. Personally, I am fascinated and perplexed by this country's recent abstinence campaign. Between the time I graduated & my sister started high school, our school district implemented the "abstinence only model" for sex education - which, if you ask me is like the fat free version of a funnel cake, but I digress.

Anyhoo, so I'm watching the Tyra Banks show and Tyra is asking all these teenagers about their sex lives. (She's no Phil McGraw, I'll tell you that much!) A few were virgins, but the majority had been incredibly active. One boy said he got his 1st blow job when he was 10 (does it even work when they're that young??). Now, you all know that I was one of those early bloomers so I am not at all shocked by the general trend. Tyra, however, must have been way too busy nursing her addiction to laxatives when she was a teenager because the entire idea of teen sex seemed to absolutely shock her.

The funniest thing was how she kept saying "when I was a kid" or "in my day" as if she's like 80 fuckin' years old, ya know? Of course the kids' parents were in the audience, shocked by what their kids were revealing. I think it's so funny that all these adults that are telling these kids how their decisions are so irresponsible and can have long lasting effects, are the same adults that signed the kids up and provided transportation for them to air all of their dirtiest secrets on national television. None of these kids will ever be President now.

At the end of the show Tyra discussed how technology is adding a disturbing new aspect to teen sex - apparently, teens are videotaping their sex. Tyra says "In my day, we had cameras, but nobody did that!" Sure Tyra, nobody was videotaping sex when you were a teenager - that's an entirely new concept. Welcome to the 21st Century ya dumb cunt. Sorry, was that out loud?

Honestly, the 1st intelligent thing anybody said on the entire fucking show was in the last 30 seconds. The father of one kid who admitted to having 2 sex partners stood up and said that he lost his virginity at an even younger age and all he cared about was whether his son was using protection. FINALLY!!!! Somebody talks about the REAL risks. Sure pregnancy and bad reputations suck - but AIDS fucking kills. Those kids would know that if the government allowed them to get educated in school!! Grrrr. Luckily, they have good ol' Tyra to light the way for them. Honestly, what would we do without models-turned-reality-show-m.c.s-turned-talk-show-hosts?? I shudder at the thought.

My SJP Moment...

So there I was, 4am Wednesday morning, sitting on the floor of a hotel room in Charlotte, typing an entry in my journal and smoking, while K was sleeping on the other side of the room. Very SJP, I love it! Well, at that point, I was not doing so good. I was feeling pretty crappy: physically, mentally, spiritually, every way possible. I actually went 2 of the 4 nights there without sleep, I sat up typing in my journal, playing around on the internet, and listening to music. Mostly because I just have so much going on in my brain when I'm with him. The 2nd night I even took a Xanax and still couldn't sleep. But now, I'm feeling much better. Although pretty lonely.

The last 5 days in Charlotte went pretty well. Things with his family were fine. I had tons of fun playing with his brother's kids and I got along really well with his cousins. His mom, well, he says she likes me but she definitely scares me a bit. She is very much a person who is used to being in charge and so very quickly started sort of telling me what to do. I don't deal well with that. So, hopefully that will change overtime. She'll start to realize that I am not her kid and I will be less offended by the demands. But, like I said, K says she really likes me, so that's good.

As far as the two of us, I think it was a good visit over all. I miss him so much already. I got used to being next to him practically 24 hrs/day and it sucks that I won't see him again until probably the end of August. And maybe not even then, maybe not until the end of September! That is a long time away.

He's really trying hard to find a job that will bring him down here more often. It's hard for me because of course I really want him to be here all the time, but I also don't want him changing his whole life around just for me. But I'm having a hard time not being selfish with this whole thing. He says he's gonna tell his job that he wants them to send him to Florida more and I know I should say "It's okay baby, do your job, I don't mind." But I don't say that because I want him here. Christ, sometimes I just want him to quit his job & be here all the time. Of course I don't really want him to do that. I'm so proud of him that he has taken such good care of himself all this time and that he has such a good job that pays good money, I certainly don't want him to be unemployed living off of me like every other loser I've ever dated. I just want him here though.

So, anyway, as far as what we did over the last five days, I spent a lot of time watching him & his family fish. That was fine though cuzz I hung out with his one cousin, A, who is totally cool. He's only 17 but we had a lot of fun hanging out together & stealing K's car once in a while! LOL We also went to the mall (although not nearly long enough!), went to a BBQ at some rich guy's house, and saw Superman Returns. But a lot of our time we were just hanging out at his brother's house or running errands. It really didn't matter what we did, I was just happy to see him and be with him.

The funniest thing about the whole weekend was the fact that his family just can't believe how much I stand up to him. I mean, on the one hand I do take care of him to a certain extent, but he takes care of me too. But at the same time, I do NOT respond to orders from him at all. If he wants something from me he needs to ask nicely or I tell him to fuck off. The 1st time his mom heard me tell him that she was shocked! Definitely impressed, but still shocked. I even had him saying Please & Thank You to the kids, which totally shocked his family too. It's so funny. I guess that's one of my favorite things about my relationship with him - the fact that I know his secrets. Like I know that as tough as he pretends to be, nothing scares him more than being alone. So he can be all angry and mean acting, but in the end he's going to do whatever he has to do for me because he doesn't want me to leave. It's too cute.

Anyway, so mission accomplished. No major tragedies. We're still waiting for everything to get done with the house. That is definitely stressing him out. Also he can't get his computer to work, so his wireless isn't working which is really bad because he needs it while he's on the road. Hopefully this will all get fixed in the next day or two so he can get back on the road with no problems. As for me...back to bar review!!! YUCK!

Today

So I'm supposed to go to go see K tomorrow. He was supposed to be closing on his new house today - that didn't work out so well. Actually, I dunno, it could be happening right now. Except that, if it was, that would be good news & he probably would have called me with good news. I haven't heard from him in over 2 hours, so I can't imagine it's good news.

The problem is, that if he doesn't close on the house today he'll have to wait until Monday & I will have no place to stay until then, so we'll have to get a hotel room. Honestly, I am fine with that. I would just put it on my mom's credit card & pay her back later. But, he won't let me do that, he'll want to pay. And I don't want him to pay because he has been spending a lot of money lately and I really don't think he can afford that right now. Luckily, hotels in the area are really cheap so it won't be so bad, but still...

The only good thing, is that he has been so good with me today. I mean, he's of course really pissed & frustrated because the lawyers and brokers screwed things up. So, he's swearing and yelling and everything & then in the middle of a sentence he stops & in the sweetest voice says "But I love you." He did that like 3 times in 20 minutes. It was really sweet. He wants me to know that he's not mad at me, ya know? And I think that's probably why he hasn't called, cuzz he doesnt want to take his anger out on me, which is a huge step in the right direction. Anyone who knows him knows that he has a bit of a temper (sense the sarcasm), and even though I know he's not mad at me, sometimes it's scary to listen to over the phone. In person it's easier actually, I just stand in front of him and say "Stop." It always works, ever since we were kids. He has to look in my eyes and breathe and know that if he doesn't calm down I could get hurt, so he stops. I know it's strange, but that's how I fell in love with him - the 1st time we did that little dance. It made me see inside him. Yeah, he can be scary - he's a big guy and he gets real loud and real angry - but mostly he is just a really amazing person and I can feel his soul just by looking in his eyes. The 1st time I did that I really thought we were connected in an extraordinary way, ya know? Nobody else dared to get that close to him when he was angry, and most people who saw me do it thought I was freakin' nuts, but I didn't think twice. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, and I wanted to stop him from hurting himself by doing something he'd regret. So, I stood in front of him & I didn't move. And he let me. I knew then that it meant something. But we were so young, and when nothing happened by the time we graduated I figured that was that. Who could've guessed that all these years later I'd be standing in front of him again? I can't wait until tomorrow when I actually can. He hasn't felt the stare in a while, I think it'll do him some good. ;-)

We Were On A Break

I'm watching Friends...the episode when Rachel finds out that Ross slept with the girl from the copy shop. Hence, the title. I know it's morbid, but this is my 2nd favorite episode (the 1st is when they say "Mrs. Chanandaler Bong"! That is SO FUNNY!). Anyway, the whole conversation, when Ross & Rachel are in the apartment and everyone is hiding in Monica's bedroom, is just so intense and so sad. Cheating is such a horrible thing. It tears you up in a way that changes you forever.

Now, in this situation, I agree that they were on a break. So this wasn't technically cheating. But still, I know why her heart was broken. The night of the break up, she's at home crying and missing him and torn up inside, while he was fucking the copy shop girl. It is just so cold and heartless. Maybe it was revenge, because she hurt him. I can see that. But I can also see how she just can't get past it. She can't get those images out of her head. She can't help wondering what he was thinking when he was with her, how he felt, what he said to her. She can't lay in his bed without thinking of him with her. She can't hold his hand or fall asleep in his arms without feeling dirty. It's hard enough to deal with all the women that came before you when you fall in love with someone, but to deal with someone that was there yesterday, when you were there two yesterdays ago, and he wants you to be there today...it's just too much.

And I can also see him, and how he feels. That he is so afraid, and he does love her but he thought she left him. And he was angry and scared and he wanted revenge, so he slept with the copy shop girl. Of course he would've rather spent that night with Rachel, but she kicked him out. And she had good reason to kick him out - he was being an asshole. But he is right, they were on a break. If she wasn't done with him, she shouldn't have said that. She shouldn't have let him go if she still wanted his faithfulness. He never would have done what he did if he knew what the consequences would be. This wasn't the typical cheating situation. He thought he had lost her. And yes, he should have fought harder to keep her and shouldn't have turned to someone new so quickly, but I do kind of get it. As much as I don't like sex, I've definitely had revenge sex, and it's just because you are so hurt that you don't know what to do. You think you can hurt them the worst way possible, and you do, but you also hurt yourself. It's awful.

Having said all that though, had there not been a break, cheating is an unforgiveable sin. I don't care what anybody says. You don't cheat "by mistake." I've hooked up with, kissed, and/or slept with a LOT of people in my life and it never happened by mistake. We always knew what we were doing. Nobody tripped and fell. Maybe sometimes there is intoxication, but that is no excuse. Maybe you can't drive a car, but you still can control who you touch, I don't care how drunk/high you are. And if you can't, then you have no business being that drunk/high in the 1st place. And you don't cheat on somebody you love. If you really loved a person, you wouldn't want to cheat on them. It wouldn't be a sacrifice not to be with someone else, because you would love the person you're with enough that they are who you want. Otherwise, you are just deluding yourself. That "you always hurt the ones you love" thing is crap. If you love a person, you do everything you can not to hurt them. You protect them from other people who hurt them. You know what things will hurt them and you don't do those things. That is how you treat people you love. If you don't, then you really don't love that person. You may think you do - but you don't. At least not yet. And once you really do love someone, you will know that this is the truth.

And that's all I have for now.

Skeletons In My Closet

So, as u know the 'rents are getting divorced & moving out of the homestead. It's a big event. Hard to believe I may never be back in that house again. Never again see the bedroom I spent so many nights in. I wish I had time to venture up north for one last goodbye, ya know?

Anyway, my mom has been packing up my things and sent me a box of stuff that she thought I might want with me. Everything else is in my grandparents' attic until I rescue it (can anybody say "Road Trip!"??) So, this box was full of treasures. Mostly poems & stories that I had written. I used to keep a composition book with me at all times. I wrote so much it was like a disease. Reading that all again has been an amazing experience.

I think the most amazing thing is when I find something that I don't remember writing back then, but that still totally represents how I feel today. Like, I found quite a few things about how much I hate my father - I could've written those like yesterday! Then there are things that I completely do not remember writing, but that are still beautiful to me. Maybe I'm not the best judge of good writing, but I think some of the stuff is actually really good. Don't fret, I'm sure I'll be posting some of it, so you all can tell me what YOU think!!!

Of course, it's not all good. Some stuff is just terrible. And some is so sad. So much is about ex-boyfriends of course. And, for the most part, I remember those feelings. I remember the sadness and anger and love, but I don't remember the desperation. Perhaps because I never saw it as desperation then. So many times I wrote that I was nothing without "him" - whoever the "him" happened to be at the time. I wrote about times when they cheated on me, or lied to me, or deserted me, or hit me, or even just made me feel rotten. But I never wrote that I would be better off without them. In fact, there are plenty of times when I turned the blame around on myself - essentially saying that I deserved what I got. That I must have hurt them or not been good enough for them and this was my punishment, and that I was sorry.

The whole experience has been so...forensic! Like conducting an autopsy of my own mental illness. I can remember the experiences and see them from an objective standpoint and then I hear my words from the past, so trapped in those delusions. It's just unbelievable to me. And the worst part is that, at the time, I didn't even know anything was wrong. I didn't think, even for a second, that there was anything even unusual about how I felt. I thought I was completely rational. That is scary. Not only retrospectively, but in the now. Would I know now if I was losing it again? Will I know in the future? Will I listen if someone tells me? I didn't listen then.

I guess all I can do is hope that I really am better now. Hope that my brain is better and that I have learned from my experiences. And keep writing things down, so that the investigation is ongoing and none of the clues will be overlooked. When the enemy lives inside you, you can't ever let your guard down.

So....um....yeah.

My mom & dad are officially getting divorce. This is a good thing.

My dad & I are not speaking again. This is also a good thing (especially since it happened right before Father's Day so I didn't have to deal with that shit!).

K and I seem to be doing well. I think I have appropriately communicated to him that I will not put up with anymore bullshit. I'm not the only one who is gonna make compromises in this relationship and I am not going to be afraid anymore. My life kicked ass without him in it, and if he makes this hard, he's gone. Since then, things have been perfect. No fighting, no fear. Just normal again. It's nice.

So, that means that I have sort of defined this for myself. I have always equated love with war and I thought maybe I had been wrong in the past. I wasn't. It's very much about strategy and not exposing too much to attack. I have decided exactly how much I can afford to lose, and I have set up those lines. There are certain things that I can expose and certain things I need to protect, and that is perfectly fine. Each of my friends has different parts of me, and to different extents, and this relationship will be measured in the same way. I can get what I want without giving up too much, and making sure I'm not the only one giving up.

So, it's not the most romantic view, I suppose. But, it's the truth. And I feel better. Things are all sort of where they should be. CJ's world is in balance. Isn't that nice?

War

If he wants it, he's got it.

If he thinks he can take me down...he hasn't seen nothin' yet.

I know what's on the table, and I haven't put anything down that I can't afford to lose.

So, we'll just see whose left standing. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Eye for an eye? Fuck that. I'll take both of yours before you get within a foot of mine. You won't even know what hit you. That sparkle in my eyes? The flames of hell. There is no wrath like this. I will keep you close and slip in slowly and the pain will be so great you won't even know where it's coming from. There is nobody who has crossed me and not regretted it. There will be no exceptions. I have built a foretress around this heart and soul, and if they are under attack, the blood that is shed will not be mine.

Yeah, I'm back. In full force.

Yes. I. Am.

Did ya miss me?

Serenity Now

Why is nothing ever easy? Lets see...

7am: K sends me a text message & scares the crap out of me. It says "i love u." Aw, how sweet...I go back to bed.

9am: I wake up feeling good. My voice is back, mostly, and I can kinda hear out of my left ear. Good. I make breakfast. I had been craving french toast & strawberries, but alas, no milk. So, egg, toast & pineapple it is. Fine.

10am: I check my email. My phone bill is ready, so I click on it. It's $436!!!!!!! Wow. My ulcer expands slightly, and I print out the 32 page detailed bill.

11am: K calls & I tell him about the phone bill. He offers to pay it. I argue with him for 20 minutes & then he gives me his credit card number. I love him. ;-) I go to the gym.

1pm: Fed Ex guy comes to the door. My dad sent me a pot. An 11 quart pot. Apparently he thinks I am hosting a spaghetti dinner for the troops?? I run to Walmart to pick up my pictures and get milk!

2pm: I decide to try to fix my car. The horn doesnt work & the airbag light is on so we figure its a loose wire in the steering wheel. But, because I am worried about the airbag going off while I'm doing it I think I should disconnect the battery. This turns out to be quite difficult, so I give up and call my dad.

3pm: Dad calls back...thanks for the pot, I'll smoke it later...dont smoke it all at once....no I'll save most of it for days I have class.... He tells me not to disconnect the battery, just take off the steering wheel and then call him. So, I try. But the "screws" are not screws in that a screwdriver doesn't work. I need a rachet & socket. 3/8 is too small. 7/16 is too big. My dad doesnt answer when I call him FOUR TIMES! He finally calls me back and says I need a metric, probably a 10. I tell him I will go buy one. He argues with me for 10 minutes that I have one. He is wrong (duh). I leave to go to the store.

4pm: On my way to AutoZone I call K but he has no reception. Then my phone says "Car Kit" for no reason. I try to answer it when he calls back, but I cant. I try to take it off "Car Kit" but I can't. I storm into Circuit City where they tell me that my phone needs "serious help" and I have to see a technician at a store about 10 miles away. The tech is there until 6pm. It is now

4:30pm: I go home, call K & my dad from the landline to tell them what was going on. I drive to the store where they say "Nope, no technician on duty today." I fight back tears & tell them the whole story. The AWESOMEST Hindu in the WORLD named Sachin helps me out and gives my a BRAND NEW phone!!!! I love him now.

5:30pm: I go to AutoZone & buy the damn socket (actually I bough 10 of them in a set). I take the steering wheel off & alas, NONE of the wires are loose!!!!! ARGH!!! Do u have any idea how frustrating it is to drive w/o a horn??? I swear I waste an hour a day behind people who dont know the light is green!!! So now I have to wait till after I get back from Charlotte to get it fixed (cuzz my warranty won't start up until then). GRRRRRR!!!

7pm: I am disgusting from sweating like a hog all day, but I decide I deserve a treat and go to Panera. I also smoked a ciggarette and drank a coke. Hey, I deserved it! My cell phone still doesnt work inside my apartment, so I ate dinner & talked to Alana on the phone in the car. I am still the white trash queen! LOL

9pm: I said goodnight to K & took a shower. I got NO homework done today & NO rest. Some way to spend my 1st day of feeling better!! I will probably be sick again tomorrow! Oh well, it's supposed to rain all week anyway. No Disney World this week! Maybe if the weather is good I will go to the beach next weekend. That will be free & relaxing. I need to bond with the ocean.

10:15pm: Goodnite!!!

Brutality

Slide down into me
Into this darkness
And I am falling
Behind your eyes
I can hear the screams
Of all those days
I left behind
This room
These walls
Closing in
Falling down
Set me free
And it’s that whisper
That echo
The slight vibration
Inside my brain
That is making this
Real
I take your hand
You take my soul
And I am steady
Above you
Around you
Inside of you
Inside of me
Surrounded by time
This is not what I meant
When I said forever
This is wrong
Sinful and strange
And I will wake up once more
Tasting that fear
Like your stain
In the back of my throat
And I will claw at your skin
Crawl back out
Of this deep
This void
Your soul.

On The Mend

Okay, well I have been sick for like 2 weeks now! It sucks! I have an ear infection that shocked my Dr...I'm used to that tho! But, the real life consequences are that I can't hear out of my left ear, and I pretty much have no voice whatsoever! Plus, I've just been so exhausted, which is making this whole "studying for the bar" thing even harder!

But, things are getting a little better. K and my sister say that I sound better today, so I believe them. My energy is a bit better too. I think I'm gonna try to work out tomorrow. I haven't worked out in FOREVER! And I dont want to get all fat before I go up to Charlotte (I'm going July 1-5).

So, let's see...what is up in the world? Not too much as far as I know, although I have been a bit out of touch lately. I have been watching Craig Ferguson a lot lately...he is damn funny! I'm glad he keeps my company while I am hacking up a lung all night!

So, anyway....let me know what's going on in the world!!

Tragic Mistakes

I'm not sure if u guys have heard this story, but its awful. Apparently 5 kids from an Indiana University were on a road trip to Michigan & got in a car accident. 4 of them died and one, Laura, was in a coma for the last 5 weeks. A few days ago, however, they found out that the girl in the coma was NOT Laura. Her name is Whitney. Laura is dead. Whitney's family unknowningly buried her over a month ago.

When I heard this story, I thought I was watching soapnet or something! I mean, seriously, how could this happen? The 2 girls do look very much a like: similar build, same hair color, etc. But how could Laura's family sat next to this comatose girl for 5 weeks and not know it wasn't her?? I don't know if there were severe injuries to her face, and she probably had a lot of tubes and such attached to her. It's just so creepy! Not that I am critical of either family...just in total shock. This story really rocked me. All day long it's been sort of haunting me. How these 2 familes must feel. One who had a funeral and has been mourning the loss of their daughter, sister, friend, etc. And the other who has been caring for & nurturing a stranger while their daughter was dead and buried. I just can't imagine it.

The worst thing I've found about all this is that Laura's family has been keeping a blog. They had been posting about her progress for the last month as they sat with her in the hospital. Only it wasn't her. And all those memories were with someone else's child. Here is the post after they learned the truth: http://lauravanryn.blogspot.com/2006/05/wednesday-may-31-2006-100-pm.html

Clearly these people are religious, and their beliefs seem to be giving them comfort. Which, at this point, anything that gives them comfort is fine with me! (Like, even if they turned to heroin, I'd be like "Rock on with the heroin!" ya know?) How on earth does anyone deal with this?? This is even worse than the mistake that was made with the death of the miners in WV last year, ya know? That only went on for a few hours. This went on for weeks! And the way the mix up was discovered was that when the girl started coming out of the coma & speaking, she didn't seem like Laura. Of course, eventually she said she was Whitney...but before that they checked dental records. Personally, I'm gonna get a tatoo! I'm scared the death of needles...but this is definitely worse.

I know this has been kind of rambling, but this story just wont get out of my mind, ya know? Feel free to leave random, astonished comments.

Solitude

Well, it's official, I'm alone. I'm not whining or anything - it's just a fact. K left this morning, before I went to my 1st bar review class. I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't feel good. My heart is racing, my tummy is icky, my ears & throat hurt, and I've been sucking down cough drops like a junkie on the pipe! Well, I know that the ears & throat thing are because I smoked TOO DAMN MUCH this weekend! I won't tell you how much, but trust me, it wasn't good!

K paid for me to get tints on my new car, which was so sweet and I am SO excited! Kit is so much prettier now! And not nearly as hot either.

Of course, the weekend was not without drama. K got 2 flat tires & I lost my cell phone (don't worry, I found it!). But, no major catastrophes. Everything was dealt with just fine.

We got along really good all weekend...even thru the drama. That makes me happy. I was really nervous. And, I know it's TMI, but things are getting better in the bedroom. I took a Xanax every night though, but it worked. No nightmares. No panic attacks. And the pain is bearable. We talked about things a bit, but I'm still not very good at that. I have this great speech in my head but when he says "What's wrong?" all I can say is "Nothing baby." It drives me crazy - probably him too! I dunno. There's just nothing I can do about that. But at least it seems that things will get better with time, and that's all I can expect, right?

Anyway, so I started bar review today - I fell asleep!! It was SO awful! And I have a ton of homework, so I'm gonna go do that. More later..

MIA

Hello everyone. I know I've been MIA for a bit. Hopefully some of you still check in once in a while!! I am finally moved into the new place completely. Almost all my furniture broke during the move, so I have no dresser, entertainment center, or desk. Which means that my TV is on the floor, and so is my underwear! Oh well.

Mom & sis have been here all week & are leaving in the morning. K should be here tomorrow evening. I am excited & scared - of course. He's gonna be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, which isn't very long but longer than I've ever let a boy stay for consecutively. I'm not worried about getting sick of him - not at all. But I am worried that I won't sleep all weekend, which will be bad because I start my bar review classes on wednesday. See, you all know that I have issues with sleep - nightmares, panic attacks, etc. And so I guess I keep myself awake when he is around so that those things won't happen in front of him, ya know? Even though he's already seen one mild panic attack. I really don't want to be popping my Xanax all weekend, but I may have to. I'm definitely going to take it at least the 1st night.

Anyway, in other news, the visiting with the family went fine. No major disasters - just a few minor tiffs. My mom is really not cool with the whole K situation, but I found out that my sister totally is, which makes me happy. My mom won't even say his name! It's so weird. Of course, I'm also having problems with the new car already. The airbag light is on, the horn doesn't work, and I think the idle is too low. Excellent. I think K will be able to help me fix the horn at least, he could fix everything if I let him, but I'm not going to. If my dad gives me a crappy car, the he needs to pay to fix it! Right? Yep.

My mom actually bought me a new dresser & matching nightstand today - it will be delivered on Monday. That was very cool of her cuzz I really need a place to put my underwear!! Hopefully I can find a new entertainment center this weekend, so that my TV won't have to be on the floor anymore! The desk I'm not so worried about because it's just the top shelf that broke off, so it's still usable for now. Plus, I don't use it all that much anyway. It's basically just a place to keep my printer!! So, I may just take the money I get from the movers insurance and buy something else with it.

Anyway, so that's what has been going on in a nutshell. Essentially everything is fine. Hopefully I will be writing more soon!