Thursday, August 31, 2006

Why...

...am I so unbelievably sad today? Last night I finished reading The Mermaid Chair which started making me a little sad, and then K forgot to call me back, which made me hella sad and a bit paranoid, and it's just spiraled from there. Plus, things are work are so boring - all I'm doing is waiting for these 2 cases to become ripe and in the meantime reading transcripts. It's like mind numbing. Last night K tried to make me feel better, but today I think he's just annoyed with me - which I totally understand, but I wish that then he would just leave me alone. Instead he keeps saying he'll call me back & then he doesn't and that just makes me feel worse. Especially cuzz I insist that he shouldn't call me back - he should just go to bed - but he insists on calling me back and the forgets. Like I said, that doesn't help the sadness. So, basically, I am just sitting here, on the verge of tears for the last, like, 48 hrs. But, as usual, I can't even cry. I just wish I knew a way to feel better. I'm so sick of being sad all the time, especially when it's not even helping my creativity. I haven't written anything good in weeks. I feel like I should join the emo movement....

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Bringing On The Weather

Well, it looks like we will be getting a storm tomorrow, altho they keep pushing back it's arrival. This morning they said 2am Wednesday, then at midday they said 6pm Wednesday, now it looks like by 8pm Wednesday it'll still be well to the south of us. So who knows? I stocked up on water & junk food, but honestly I'm not stressing it too much right now.

In other news, K was here for the weekend. It was actually a really good visit. It's been like 6 weeks since we spent any real time together, so it was nice to have a few days to ourselves. He was being extra adorable, which I love. Every night he brushed my hair and the last night he was here I wasn't feeling good and he put me to bed and tucked me in and all that cute stuff. It was nice...the only other boys that have ever taken care of me like that are Stedman and Hot Mike, and that was a long time ago. Even my mom can't believe how he takes care of me and doesn't steal from me...it's like a whole new world for us. He also brought me a present! A brand new radio for Kit! It's so cool too - it has this awesome pop-up screen thing that displays the song title & artist and my iPod plugs right into it, so I don't need my iTrip anymore! Yeah, it kicks ass. How lucky am I?? ;-)

Other than that, things are fine. Work is still kinda boring. We got a new intern tho so that's kinda cool. She's a 3L, so she thinks I'm all old & wise cuzz I already took the bar and everything. I'd feel more wise if I knew that I passed it though!! But she is really nice and I get to give her work so it will be fun to have a little helper!

So, I will try to post more often & try to remember to update after the storm passes thru! But, if it does get worse...one of you may be getting a surprise visitor! ;-)

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Week 2

So, I'm half way thru the second week of the J-O-B. Things are okay still. I was VERY tired monday & tuesday, mostly because K was here Sunday night

Xanax + K snoring = Greater need for sleep + Less opportunity for sleep = TOO tired Monday morning!!

He actually had to deliver about 20 miles away from here, so he got to spend the night here, which was great except for his snoring!! LOL I mean, I love him & I love him sleeping in my bed...but I just wish he was quieter about it!! So, we spent the night playing the "chasing game" as he calls it: He falls asleep & starts to snore, I get up & go in the guest room, I fall asleep, two hours later he notices & comes to get me - and repeat. So, this time, after he left I told him he has to just leave me alone when I go in the guest room. I love him, but I'm not used to sharing a bed & I need my rest on workdays. So he promised that the next time, he won't come & get me. He says he just feels bad cuzz he thinks that he kicks me out of the bed - cuzz whenever he wakes up he's on my side! But that's not the case, he never kicks me out, he just snores! He has no idea how bad it is! But like I said, I love him & miss him so its a small price to pay, ya know? He'll be back Friday night and I think he's gonna stay till Monday. So, Sunday night I'll sleep in the guest room. ;-)

I went to lunch with 13 other clerks today! It was a lot of fun. We went to a Thai place & I had soft shell crab in a spicy chili sauce - it was yummy! Muchos gracias to my baby for giving me money for that! (It was only $10, so I still have $10 left of my "lunch money"!!)

As you can tell, I'm still broke. But it's okay. My mom gave me some money today & since K will be here on Friday, I won't need to buy gas or groceries for a bit, which will be nice.

So, in general things are good. I haven't been nearly as depressed lately as I had been this summer. I think it's cuzz I'm busy now, not so much time to wallow. Plus, with each passing month, I feel more secure with K. Also, I got to go to Disney World on Sunday with M's sister, G, and that was FANTASTIC! Totally lifted my spirits! G works there so we got in for free & then we had ice cream and frozen lemonade and a cheese-filled pretzel! We rode Tower twice and Rockin' twice...the 2nd time we got to skip the line cuzz we complained!! LOL

Yeah, so things are busy but good over all. I can't wait for Friday! I don't know what time K will get here, but it would be GREAT to come home from work and find him here! (Maybe with dinner already on my invisible table?? LOL Nah, that's nuts...we'll go to Friday's!)

Oh, just one other bulletin: I've officially decided that BM is not speaking to me. Don't know why, but it's been almost 2 mos now. WTF??? Yeah, so anyway....

Friday, August 18, 2006

Week One

Okay, so the 1st week is over. I am SOOOOO tired. Honestly, it was a pretty good week. I got some stuff accomplished. My co-clerk annoys me a bit...but mostly in the normal ways that co-workers annoy me. Like how he tells me what to do & then he's wrong & so I end up doing the wrong thing for 3 hours and wasting my time! Or he corrects things that he thinks are grammar mistakes that are actually correct, ya know? But over all, as jobs go, I think this is probably a good one. I think once I've been there a little while I'll have a lot of freedom, which is good. It doesn't seem like it will be too overwhelming. The best part is that there aren't really deadlines for anything, I mean, who's gonna tell a judge to hurry up? Of course I have to work at a decent speed, but the pressure isn't crazy. This week I did 2 Summary Judgment motions, a remand order and an order granting a time extension. The summary judgments haven't been posted yet, I still need to judge to read them over, but I got the outcome right on both of them so that's good.

But still, it is a job. So I do get bored - especially after lunch! Maybe once my caseload gets a little heavier I won't be so bored, but still the end of the day will always feel like its just dragging on! Today my Judge took me out to lunch, so I thought that would break it up a bit more - not so much. But, this is life! And I'm a part of it!

The good news is: NO HOMEWORK!!! So I actually have the weekend off!! Sunday morning I may go to Disney for a bit & ride a few rides with a friend & then in the afternoon K is gonna be here...so that is cool! The only problem is, that means I have to clean this place up by Sunday! So, I'm off to do that now. Hope everyone had a fab week!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Almost Grown

So, I start my job on Monday. Tomorrow I have to go in for a bit of orientation. As much as I am excited about my new job - I love the people and the office I'll be in - I am scared. I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff. This is it. I am no longer a student. Everyday will be the same - get up at the same time, drive to the same place, sit at the same desk, go home at the same time. I'm used to starting my life over every 3 or 4 months. That's what I liked best about school. Every few months you get to throw everything out & start over. I loved picking out new classes, buying new books, and meeting new teachers. Luckily, this job is only 2 years, so it doesn't feel quite so terminal. But still, it does feel like it's the end of my freedom. After these 2 years I will most likely go to work for a law firm - which we all know IS terminal. I hope to someday be able to teach - whether undergrad or law school. That would be a break from the daily grind. But I've never been one of those people who couldn't wait to grow up & get a job. I always knew how lucky I was to be a student and to have minimal resonsibilities and I was never too anxious for it to end. Plus, I feel like all the milestones I've been waiting for are over now. There's no next thing. I mean, maybe it will be my wedding? But we have to talk about when we really want to do it. For now it's just this big, open, amorphous future. Someday K and I may get married, someday we may buy a house, someday we may have or adopt kids...but there is no longer a plan that I am waiting to play out. Prior to this I always had dates to look forward to: graduating, moving, finishing bar review, the bar exam, starting my job. Now, there are no dates. Just empty calendars. Maybe I should be excited at the endless possibilities, but I am way too left-brained to think that way. I just don't ever want my life to become boring. Not that it's been overly action-packed in the past, but it hasn't ever been routine. I'm always moving & starting new lives with new friends in new places. I don't ever want to get too comfortable in one place. Anyway, maybe the regular paycheck will make up for the hideous monotony....we'll just have to wait & see. As for now, I still have 4 days of being a kid left. Too bad I can't afford to go to Disney World!!

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Pain

I've decided to quit smoking - again. It's stopped being fun & started to make me feel like crap again. I guess I'm too old for this shit. My biggest worry is that if I stop smoking I'll start cutting myself again. I don't know why, but I think about it all the time. It's like being hungry, it's just a craving that I can't get away from. I think about the razors sitting idly in my toolbox, I think about where I could hide it that K wouldn't notice, I just can't get it out of my mind. And I think that if I don't have a smoke in my hand, I'll be more likely to put a razor in my hand. It's not the nicotine I'm addicted to, it's the habit. The having something to do with my hands - something to destract my mind. I don't know. All I know is that I need to stop smoking. I'll worry about the other vices as they come.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

The Nights

Sometimes I feel like I’m conducting my own autopsy. Like I am tearing myself apart to look inside and see what went wrong – so I can be sure it doesn’t happen again. I pick at old scabs and rip open old wounds, not just to watch them bleed, but to dig deep inside of them. And what do I find? Nothing but old pain and bad memories. This exercise doesn’t seem to be making me any stronger. But I do it anyway. I read old poems & journal entries, listen to songs from my past, and talk about things best forgotten. I suppose I could ignore the past & the memories. When they come up I could stuff them back down again. I always promise myself I’m gonna do that – that this time will be different. I tell myself that I will be stronger, that I wont let things hurt so much, that I’m gonna be easy-going and laid back. But it never works. The drama weaves itself in and out of me and I cant be myself without it – I can’t breathe without it. So he says I need to relax, to trust him and get to know myself better. He says he’s gonna teach me not to be afraid, that I can do anything I want and nothing should hold me back. That it’s just me and him here and nothing else matters. And of course, I know deep down that he’s right. But when the pain is so real that the only way out is to slice myself open, when the reality is actually sitting in this room with me, good intentions are meaningless. I can’t see straight. I can’t make it out alive. And no amount of common sense or stability will change this. I am a victim of my own moral superiority. Late at night, when all I can see is darkness, when I find peace in every breath of smoke, when I put the space of this room between him and I, there is no way to escape the tragedy. No matter how far I dig down, no matter how much I break apart, no answers seem to come. As hard as I try I will never be alone, because the shadows of my past are welded to my soul. That is all there is.