Monday, September 25, 2006

Twist of Fate

So, it's official: the man I once thought was destined to be my husband, Jay McGraw, is getting married to another woman. But it's okay Jay, because I too have fallen in love with another. So, while I will mourn the loss of what could have been between us, I know that I will move on. You, on the other hand, I fear will be destined to drown in your sorrows. Every morning when you wake up, and roll over to hug the skeleton lying next to you in bed, and you long for just the tiniest bit of cushion for the pushin', I know you will think of me and my plentiful ass. But fear not my love, because when you finally realize the error of your ways and come crawling back to me - I know that K will have no problem with me marrying you for your money. ;-)

But seriously, lets examine how I made out in this crazy game called love: Jay is a lawyer with a book deal and seriously rich ass parents. K is a truck driver with $300,000 in debt who is housing his mom, her best friend, and his nephew. BUT I wanted to marry K since I was 12,and I have only wanted to marry Jay for the last 6 or 7 years. So I guess, if the whole "money can't buy you love/happiness etc." cliche is true, then in the end, I made out okay. Besides, like I said, K would gladly share me with Jay and all of his money should the opportunity arise!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Thank You

To everyone for all the emails, comments & phone calls. I know, I will be fine...we will be fine. I love you all and I'm so glad to have you as part of my "family."

Friday, September 22, 2006

On The Edge

Okay, so I've been having these thoughts lately that I'm not sure I can do this relationship thing long term. I hesitate to post this, but I almost can't help it...I need to share this now.

The thing is, I love K so much. You all know that. So I worry that I am wasting his time, and that I am faking too much. Sometimes I think about things - the endlessness of it all - and it makes me physically sick. I think "Can I really face having to have sex for the rest of my life? If we live together, will I have to face it everyday?" I think about having kids and it's disgusting to me. I think about whether I will have to leave Florida for him and sometimes it makes me so angry.

Other times, I'm fine with it. I see us together forever. I'm even okay with the idea of kids and moving to North Carolina. I know what firm I'd work for, and I think of what kind of home we would have, I think that we can always take vacations to Florida. And it's fine. But other times it's all just horrible to me.

I've been thinking that I need to be honest with him. To tell him that I may not be able to do these things. That there may come a day when I say that he has to make a choice. I feel like I should warn him. I'm not as afraid of breaking up as I used to be - but I do dread that feeling of that empty space beside you that you get when you break up with someone. Like all that time that you used to spend thinking about them suddenly comes flooding back and you don't know how to fill it. Plus, I hate the idea of having to tell everyone - of disappointing everyone who had high hopes of my becoming "normal." Sometimes I think that people aren't really happy that I have a boyfriend for me - but for themselves. Like, they're grateful that there is somebody else to deal with me or take care of me, and I would hate to show up and re-burden everyone again. For everyone to shrug their shoulders and sigh and think "ugh, here we go again."

But, I also think that there is no way - no matter what I said - that he would break up with me. When he is here, and he lets himself be vulnerable, I look in his eyes and see his desperation, I feel the fear in his touch - that he would do anything to keep me next to him. And I know it's true, deep in his soul, that he knows he's home when he's with me. But I also know him well enough to know that sometimes he acts without thinking, and that he is too stubborn to admit that. So I know that there is always the possibility that I will say something that will hurt him and he will tell me to leave, and then it will be over. And even if he wants me back or wants to forgive me, he may not be able to say it out loud. He may not be able to turn it around. And that is the thing I always have to remember. That we will always be on the edge. And that's why I am so careful, and why this is such a difficult decision. What do I say? When do I say it? And how?

Monday, September 18, 2006

Woo Hoo!

I passed the bar!! That was fun, which state should I try next??

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Out of the Loop

For some reason, I've always felt like I was just on the outside of everything. I always find out about everything after everyone else...I'm always playing catch up. Always the last to get a joke, the last to find out about the new hang out, ya know that kind of thing. In law school I was always definitely out of the loop. I mean, eventually I found out all the gossip (I think) and the inside info, but always later than everyone else. For example, I didn't start reading the major blogs until my 3rd year. Even then, I just happened upon them. And I still dont know who writes them or anything like that. I think the ones I've found are all from UT, not my school, cuzz I found them thru a friend who goes to UT and at least one has self-identified. I know that people at my school read these blogs long before I did. I also know that people at my school had their own blogs, but I never found any of them (except Tiffany's!). And now, of course, they are all shutting down, so I'm too late. And I feel like there is some huge inside joke that the law school classes of 2006 all across the country share, and I was left out of it. And just when I am trying to catch up - it's too late. I know this is all very high school and infantile, but I just feel left out, and kinda stupid. How did everyone else find out about these things and I didn't? It's not like I went thru 3 yrs of law school without a friend in the world, but still, I missed something. Did people just find these things through sheer Google effort? Or was there some mass forwarding scheme that I was left out of? And what is it about me that perpetuates this kind of chronic come-lately-ness? The strange thing is that, for most of my life, I've been the center of my group of friends. I'm usually the glue that hold things together. The one that makes sure we keep meeting up and planning things, and when I was younger it was unheard of that my groups would hang out without me. If I was out of town or sick or grounded, nobody did anything. They'd all just wait because nobody felt comfortable enough with anyone else to initiate anything, ya know? Like when Elaine & George tried to hang out without Jerry on Seinfeld. But the older I get, the less central I am, and the more I feel left out of things. The more I'm in the dark. So, I guess the point of this post is, all those law school blogs are ending, and I missed it, and I am sad about that. It's a stupid thing to be sad about...but, ya know, it's the truth. So, I'm pathetic....is anyone surprised??

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Overdose

So, today is Saturday, and K will definitely be here on Monday night. So, for those of you keeping track, that is 4 WEEKS IN A ROW!! That is just crazy. Seriously, insane. I hope he's not actually getting sick of me yet. This could be a test of our relationship. I am getting sick of shaving my legs though!!!! LOL But, yeah, he is in Green Bay, WI on his way here. Absolutely fuckin' nuts! This time he may be staying until Wednesday, so I may call in sick to work on Tuesday. Shhhhhh! Don't tell my mommy!! ;-) Honestly though, it's not like I have any real work to do, ya know? I don't have any cases to deal with until the 18th...so it really doesn't matter. Anyway, yeah, so that's all 4 now.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Fashionista

So, generally, I don't write fashion commentary, because I feel that in general I can't judge others in the area of fashion considering my own wardrobe, BUT this is worthy of an exception. My assessment of J-Lo at the VMAs was human-sized penis in a glitter condom. But Fug's idea of a synchronized swimmer was equally appropriate. Let me know what you think:

http://gofugyourself.typepad.com/go_fug_yourself/jennifer_lopez/index.html

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Trippin'

I swear, the people who organize grocery stores MUST be on mescaline. Yesterday, my mission was canned fruit (among other things). I looked down ALL the aisles, and NONE of the signs said "canned fruit" so I decided to use my powers of logic & deductive reasoning to accomplish my mission. So, 1st I thought, "Maybe with the canned vegetables." Nope. "Maybe with the dried fruit." Nope. At NO point did I think "Maybe with the cookies." but apparently, that is exactly what I should have been thinking! Even the cashier thought that was insane, so I felt better.

Meanwhile, at Super T@rget, they sell 3 brands of hummus. All 3 are kept in completely different sections of the store. One kind is with the cheese, near the deli. The 2nd brand is in the cooler near the refrigerated pickles. The 3rd brand is on the shelf in the ethnic foods aisle!! Good grief! Seriously people, all I'm asking for is a bit of continuity. Or a detailed map. Or even some of whatever drug you were on when you organized this, so that it will make sense to me too.

In other news...I drove about 700 miles this weekend. One night in Ft. Lauderdale with N and one night in Jacksonville with K. I had a great time, but I am SO tired! Luckily I have actual work to do today...which I should be getting back to. But in case anyone is keeping track, yes, that is 3 Sundays in a ROW that K has been here! We are getting a little spoiled. Unfortunately, it isn't likely to happen again. So for now, the plan is for me to go up there Columbus Day weekend. Most likely that will be the next time I see him: exactly 1 month from tomorrow. This could be good, he may be getting sick of me! ;-)