On The Road (Again)

Well, instead of flying up to see K on Sunday, he is picking me up here (at work) today! In about an hour actually. So, I have quite a few butterflies. Wondering if I remembered to bring everything, worrying that we will argue too much, worrying that his truck won't fit under the bridge. Ugh. It's giving me a tummy ache. Plus, I am SO all alone here! I think I am one of like 10 people in the whole damn building! And online, nobody is on gmail or facebook or the space. On top of it all, my sister lost her cell phone! So, I am pretty lonely. But, i am sure that there will be many times in the next 11 days that I will be longing for solitude, so I am trying to enjoy it. To keep myself amused, I am watching Friday Night Lights online.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a fun, safe & happy holiday week!

Sloth

I am doing nothing at work right now. Normally that's fine - it's what I am supposed to be doing. But today, I actually have something I could be working on. I just don't want to. We had our Xmas lunch today and, as K would say, I am "all fat & full", plus we got presents. I'm just lethargic and I have no desire to do anything productive. I am yawning and fighting to stay awake. I still have 50 minutes left, and if my sister doesn't call me back & entertain me, I may end up drooling on my desk calendar.

Excommunication

So, my mom, my sister and I are officially no longer part of my mother's family. I will tell u the latest, but 1st, the cast of characters. My mom has 3 brothers: Mike, John and Rob. Also, both of my mom's parents are still alive. My grandparents have not spoken to my mom since about May or June of this year, apparently because they are mad at her for getting a divorce.

Yesterday Mike sent my mom an email telling her that Rob is having the Xmas celebration and he was wondering if me & my sister would be in town and would the 3 of us want to come over.

My mom responds that my sister will be in town, but I won't be. My mom says that she will have to check with my grandparents before she decides about coming because she doesn't want to make them uncomfortable.

My mom call smy grandmother and asks her if she minds if my mom & my sister come to Rob's for Xmas. My grandmother says "I don't know. I will think about it & get back to you." Then she hung up.

So my mom emails Mike and tells him what my grandmother said. Mike says "Well, that sounds reasonable."

Then my mom gets an email from Rob "We would prefer it if you did not come to Xmas this year. It would make things easier on everyone."

Holy Fuck.

So today, I got an Xmas card from my grandparents with a check for 50 bucks in it. They included a note that said they are doing well and went to 4 Xmas parties this year. They hope I come visit them the next time I'm in town.

I am sending it all back to them with this note:

Considering the way you are treating my mother, I think our relationship is over and I don’t want to accept this card. It’s sad that when the 3 of us needed our family the most you turned your back on us, but I guess that’s life. We’ve never been a part of [my father's] family, and I guess now we’re not part of [my mother's] family either. Luckily, I’m used to it by now. Unfortunately, my mom isn’t very used to it and is still very hurt. I simply can’t ignore the pain she’s in and pretend that everything is fine.

I guess that’s all I have to say. I’m sorry that you feel the way you do (whichever way that is), but it’s clear that nothing can be done to change it.

Over & out.

Ch@mberm@id

The title of this post is the (redacted) title of a book I am reading. It's written by a girl who clerked for a federal appellate judge in Philly. The book is based on her experiences as a clerk, but is admittedly somewhat exaggerated to be more humorous.

Essentially, it's a bitch fest. 269 pages of complaining. The feeling of it reminds me of the book Matilda, and if this book were to be made into a movie, I would imagine it would look like that movie did. Except it would be horrendously boring and trite.

Clearly, this girl just didn't understand reality. She claims to have been snowed by the law school machine that convinced her that clerking for a judge, any judge, would be the most fantastically wonderful thing ever. Apparently she had no idea that judges are people too and some of them assholes, and if you get hired by one of the assholes it won't be much fun. Clerking involves VERY tight quarters, there is no escaping or avoiding your judge. But most of us take the risk of 1 or 2 years with an asshole so that we can learn a lot and improve our resumes before becoming an advocate.

In the book, the main character is often told by her judge that she is stupid & her work is low quality. Now, I'm not saying that any judge SHOULD say those things to her clerk, but after reading this book, maybe those things were true! This girl went to NYU for law school, which is a pretty good school, but her writing is pretty immature and it's obvious that she had very little common sense. It's odd that part of this book is about working on a death penalty case, but even the gravity of that situation does not seem to demonstrate to the this woman that things in her world aren't so bad. You have a mean & unreasonable boss. Poor baby. Your feelings are hurt. Awwww. I mean, COME ON!

Now, it's true that I got lucky. My judge is the awesomest boss EVER. But I knew when I was interviewing, and even when I accepted this offer, that he could be a lunatic. I knew these 2 years might suck. I just figured I would deal with it. No matter what, I would be okay. It's only a bad boss. It's not cancer. I wasn't going to be homeless. I know that my next job may suck. I may hate my bosses and have no friends. I may even cry. But I promise not to write a memoir about how the law school machine tricked me into some god awful version of pergatory. My commitment is eighteen months. I will do my job, earn my paycheck, look at palm trees and sleep in my comfy bed. It's not the end of the world. Maybe someone should show this whiny bitch what misery REALLY is. Any suggestions???

Talk to the Hand, Cuz the Face Hurts

My ear hurts. I thought I had an ear infection, but I don't. It's just my TMJ acting up BAD. This morning it hurt to spit while brushing my teeth. I even took Vicodin last night. Didn't do a thing. I got a massage this morning and she did this cranial decompression thing. That helped a LOT, but still, it hurts to yawn & chew. Ugh.

My mom ordered me to stay off the phone today & rest, but that only worked until about 6pm. I know this means I will probably have to get some sort of treatment I don't want. Like a night guard or surgery. One of my friends had surgery for her TMJ last year and she had to have her jaw wired shut for weeks. YUCK! Altho, it may be a good way to lose some weight! I will probably have to go see a Maxofacial Surgeon after the holidays. Woo hoo! Oh well...I am going back to sleep now.

Change of Plans

Okay, so my original plans for Xmas week were to work Dec 24th & 26th and then spend the 27th through Jan 1st with K. This meant I would be alone for Xmas, which really was fine with me. Actually, I was kinda looking forward to it. That is, until W went and screwed it all up!

Last Thursday W declared that all Federal offices would be closed on December 24, 2007. That includes my office. So that means I only had to work on the 26th. Of course my judge won't be having that. He tells me to change my flight and get the hell out. So I did. K and I will now be together Dec. 23rd through Jan 1st. I was happy about this because we haven't seen each other since October.

Of course, he has to ruin it. The sexual threats started almost immediately. Now I'm a little sick to my stomach and wishing all the flights for the 23rd had been sold out. Why does he have to do that? Why does he say things he knows are going to upset me? It makes me think he must enjoy making me upset - why else would he do it? Ugh.

Yes, Virginia, there is a Satan

And, in about 9 months, I will be working for him (it?). Last night I went to my new firm's Holiday Party. I found out that my 1st assignment will most likely be defending big tobacco companies. My mother will be so proud.

On the up-side, everyone at the party was very nice to me and it was a very low-key event. No ridiculous drunks. Not quite as entertaining as my old firm's parties, but not bad.

Sold!

So, I got my final rejection today, and I have officially accepted the one job offer I received. Which means I sold my soul to the devil for WAY more than it is worth. LOL

Yeah, the oodles of money definitely softens the blow, but all of these rejections have been hard to deal with. Hopefully in a few years the economy will pick up and I will have the option of going somewhere else if I want. My contract is only 18 months, so it's certainly not a life sentence. Plus, they do seem like they are excited to have me. So, maybe it won't be so bad. Obviously they think I have the balls to play with the big boys! Hopefully they are right!

PMS

Sometimes, it's no big deal. Other times it's awful. Today, I can actually feel the weight of sadness crushing on my chest. It's like with every breath I'm fighting tears. I don't know why. I hate my female parts.

Let's Change the Subject

Okay, I know. Last entry was pretty heavy. I needed to get some stuff out there. Yesterday, I talked to my BFF for like 4 hours. She said that K is an idiot & needs some guidance. She also told me to try to be a little less extreme when I argue with him (apparently, I should not use words like "assault" and "whore" quite so much). As usual, she is probably right & definitely made me feel better. So, for now, I will move on.

Hmmm....so what should I talk about today? How about stupid people? Always plenty of them. Well, maybe these are more like moderately intelligent people doing annoying/stupid things.

First, is my friend A. She has a master's degree, so she's no moron. But sometimes, she makes me want to bop her on the head with considerable force! A called me this weekend. We were both doing some Xmas shopping (mine is all done except for office gifts! Woohoo!). A is looking for a gift for her mother-in-law, who has requested a red cashmere sweater. Now, I must say, that this request is a BIT extravagant. A and her husband are not rich, and they just bought a new house. So A is looking for a deal on said sweater. So, I go home & look online. I find EXACTLY what mother-in-law wants at Macy's, on sale for 80 bucks! I think "Whoa! Good deal!" My mom agrees. So I email it to A, who says "Thanks, but I think that is more than we want to spend on her. But now I know where to look for clearance!" Huh? Does A really think she is gonna find anything close to cashmere for much less than 80 bucks?? And, it is her husband's mother for christ's sake! I know they aren't loaded, but you think for his MOTHER he could handle around 100 bucks (especially soince she is his only parent). Instead, he wants his wife to bargain hunt like a madwoman for the next month & find a cheap cashmere sweater...how cheap? I have no idea. But all the time, gas & stress spent on said bargain hunting is probably not worth it in the long run. But whatever....none of my business. Maybe I am being too good of a daughter tho, I am spending at least $200 on my mommy!

Next is my co-worker, E. We all know this guy is a moron....despite his master's degree AND law degree. So, stories of his stupidity are no surprise. One thing that annoys the hell out of me is trying to arrange time off with him. In this office, the philosophy is that we take turns. Last year I took off for Thanksgiving & Xmas. This year I took off New Year's (meaning the days around those holidays, since we are closed for the ACTUAL holidays). I have established these dates with him about 40 times in the last 6 months, because he keeps asking me. Today, he asked me AGAIN, what my plans were. We had this SAME conversation friday.

E: "So what are your plans for Xmas week?"
Me: "I am off the 27th thru the 1st."
E: "Yeah, but why again?"
Me: "Because you were off those days last year."
E: "No, I mean what are u doing?"
Me: "K and I have a wedding in PA."
E: "On Saturday tho, right?"
Me: "Yes, the 29th."
E: "But you are off on the 1st too?"
Me: "Yes."
E. "Oh, because I kinda wanted to go to that football game."
Me: "Well, we are closed on the 1st, so I guess you can do that."
E: "Really? We are closed on the 1st? Well, good, then you don't have to come back early."
Me: "Right."

WTF????? You are 40 years old! You don't know that Jan 1st is a holiday???? And on what planet would I EVER change my PLANE tickets so you can go to a football game????? Did they slip LSD in your smoothie today??? Good lord. The worst part: we will have this conversation again in 2-3 days.

Things I Haven't Said Yet

It's been a while since I've written anything down and dirty about my relationship. Yesterday, while screaming in my therapist's office, I realized I may be bottling things up just a BIT. So, time for some "blenting" (that is: blog + venting).

I mean, things with K have been mostly good. Ya know? But every time we are in the same zip code, the same issues are there. Yesterday, I felt like I was back at square one. I am still so angry about sex. Like, really furious. I don't understand how he can say all this shit about how it is supposed to somehow be related to loving someone and then still use it as a threat, and enjoy it when I hate it, and do it with people he doesn't care about, and not be able to articulate how it's any different with me than with a stranger, etc. It just doesn't make any sense to me. He says he doesn't want a hole in the wall, but he's lying. Because no sex is not an option. So, he'd rather have a hole in the wall than nothing. Does it even matter if I am conscious? So, anyway, I have this screaming emotional outburst with my therapist and then I call K.

I tell him how I guess I am more upset than I realized. That I think all my sadness has turned to anger and I don't know what to do. He says, "well don't go to therapy if it makes you mad." GRR! I am not mad at HER I am mad at YOU! He doesn't get it. Here is the dialogue:

Me: "Well, how do you think things are going? Better? Worse? The same?"
K: "Well, you say you are angry instead of sad."
Me: "I know what I say...what do YOU say? Don't you have an opinion?"
K: "Well, it's not that big of a deal. It's not perfect, but it's not awful. I just don't worry about it. You don't like it, maybe you can't like it. There is nothing I can do about that."
Me: "Okay, but I still have to do it, right? Either I do it, or we break up, right?"
K: "Yeah, well that is a decision you have to make."
Me: "So, all that crap about how you want me to like it and how that matters and whatever, that was all a lie? You really do just want a hole in the wall?"
K: "No, I want you to like it...but there is nothing else I can do. The only thing that worries me is that in 10 or 20 years you won't want me to touch you at all. Now that would be a problem. But right now, things are fine."
Me: "Well, I'm glad you can completely change your position on all this and not even tell me. So, how about I just take a xanax, u wait for me to pass out, do what u want and leave me the fuck alone. How about that?"
K: "No, that's not what I want. I want you to like it, I want you to relax and stop thinking it's gross, but any suggestion I make you reject. So I can't help you anymore."

Ugh. So we keep arguing and finally I'm like "You've been with, what? Like a MILLION women? And supposedly they all LOVED sex with you and begged for more. But for some reason you can't manage to do ANYTHING differently to maybe make it less hostile with me? So all these women just LOVED watching you get off on them? They loved being treated like shit? They loved the rudeness and the disgusting things you say and the violence? I need to meet these women."

I was just so hurt and angry and crying. He's telling me that I need to tell him what to do. Like, what? you need an anatomy lesson? A million sex partners aren't enough for you to know what you're doing? If you wanted to make it better, you would. But you don't. You just want to get off, get rid of your guilt, and get your ego stroked. Well, I can't do all of those things. If you wanted to make it better you would. You don't. Just fucking admit that. In bed, I may as well be a 2 dollar whore. Making love is a lie people tell themselves to feel less disgusting. You're just mad because I see through your lie. I tore down your myth. Too fucking bad.

Best Picture Ever

From the Orlando Sentinel.

Everybody Turn & Cough

Yep, I'm sick. It seems like everyone is, including my boss, K and my sister. Of all of us - K is the worst. Which makes it worse on me. Frankly, I'd rather be sicker and have him well. He is SO annoying when he is sick! When I am sick I like to be left alone, sure I'll tell people I'm sick, I'm going to bed, leave me alone. But I don't bitch and I don't want to be taken care of. I am a big girl, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone.

But when K is sick - good lord! Bitch, moan, whine. He wants pity and concern 24/7. Is he 4 years old?? The worst part is that he won't do anything to take care of himself! He won't even take a freakin' advil. So I have no sympathy. You don't take care of yourself, I don't give a fuck - ya know? So, anyway, he woke me up at 7am to whine to me about how he feels like crap and can't sleep and blah blah blah. So I told him I am gonna sleep all day. This is me sleeping.

I know, I'm a bitch. If I love him I should worry & feel bad, etc. But I don't. If you know me, you know I am bad with sick people. They generally make me angry. Awful, I know. But true. And K knows this, but he insists on pushing me to my limits. So, I lie & hang up the phone. Ugh. I guess I should be grateful that he is in NC and not here, so I only have to deal with long distance whining!!!

So, I'm sure many of you feel like crap right now. So go home, take care of yourself, get better and I will do the same. See you on the other side.

Let Me Go

Right now I'm watching 60 minutes. Anderson Cooper is doing a story on people in vegetative and minimally conscious states. Apparently there are some developments in "waking up" people in minimally conscious states, using certain drugs. This development is inspiring doctors to re-examine patients who have been thought to be vegetative, to be sure if they are really vegetative or just minimally conscious. Here's the thing, even if they are "woken up", they are still barely functional. They can't walk and can barely talk. They are considered, at best, severely disabled. Developments like these scare me, because I am a pull the plug kinda girl. I don't want to be in any kind of state where I can't make my own decisions. I like to say my default position is dead. If I can't stop you from killing me, I don't want to be alive. But the more "hope" there is, the less likely that someone would be allowed to pull my plug, ya know? If a bunch of doctors say I may some day wake up, then a court may step in and stop my death. In my opinion, I would rather be dead than "severely disabled". I certainly wouldn't want to spend years in a minimally conscious state, just so that some day I may be able to have a few more lucid days with my family. I realize that many parents would do anything to keep their children alive. Luckily, my mother has enough respect for me to do what I would want, and not what would make her feel better. But, what worries me is not her decision, it is her not being able to make a decision because Drs will no longer think I am hopeless if I can live on as just severely disabled. The possibilities truly terrify me. I know new cures are supposed to be a good thing, but in this world, more cures mean less options and less diginity.

Alone Again

Well, my holiday extravaganza is officially over. My sister left today around 2pm, and I proceeded to take a nap! We had a great week though. I took my mom to the beach, the botanical gardens and several nice meals. My sister and I had a GREAT day at Disney on friday. The Magic Kingdom all decorated for Xmas was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I could have stared at the castle all night long. Then on Saturday we did some shopping, went out to dinner and then out for a VERY fancy dessert at this place called The Dessert Lady - it was great! So, like I said, it was a very good week and I am exhausted. I can't believe I have to work tomorrow!! I hope everyone else had a great holiday too!!!

One In The Bag

So, I got my 1st offer today. Of course, it's from the sweatshop that I didn't like - but still, one is better than none. And, it is a LOT of money....so if I get nothing else, I will at least be rich and miserable!

Have a good turkey day everyone!

Priorities People!

I read an article the other day about a lawyer who is in trouble for bribing people at the Dept. of Corrections to get his clients moved to a prison with air conditioning. That's right. This is Florida. And there are prisons WITHOUT air conditioning!!!!! Excuse me??? Of course, the article wasn't about that. Nope, not one tiny shred of shock about that fact. Instead it was about this horrible lawyer who is pulling strings for people who can pay him $7500. He uses excuses to get the moved - like "he wants to take computer classes." So, the article writer was pissed that a Dentist got moved to the prison with a/c because he couldn't possibly NEED computer classes, and he was taking a spot from someone without $7500 who could have benefitted from those classes. I agree, it isn't fair. But maybe we could solve this corruption by adding air conditioning!!!!! I mean, this is the craziest thing I have ever heard! Florida people! EVERYTHING is air conditioned!!!!! I just don't get how the journalist writing this article was completely unphased by this.

*Sigh* (of relief)

I had two interviews today. One full blown 4 hour interview and one just sort of meet 'n' greet. I love my 1st interview! Everyone was very cool & I did well. I really liked it. I feel much better now. They said they should get back to me in 2 weeks. Hopefully with good news!!!

And You Thought Soap Fans Were Nuts....

The new Ikea opened in Orlando today at 9am. The 1st 100 customers got a free chair, the next 2400 were given envelopes that may contain giftcards up to $250. People started getting in line on Sunday night. Today is WEDNESDAY! They brought tents and sleeping bags and camped out on the sidewalk - just to shop at Ikea! So, the news is full of stories about these crazy people, but this one, from the Orlando Sentinel, is my favorite so far:

Then there are Susan Perry, 51, and her boyfriend Edward Shay, 47. They were numbers 2 and 3 in line, having driven down from Leesburg for a dresser Susan wanted.
They ended up not buying it, since it didn't fit in their trunk. Instead, they grabbed a small cat house for $4.95 from the AS IS area, then headed to the in-store restaurant for hot dogs.
"The hot dogs are wonderful," Susan said. "At 50 cents each, I couldn't believe it."
Susan, happy with her purchase and meal, had no doubts when asked if the wait was worth it. "Absolutely," she said.

Are you kidding me??? They drove down here, camped out for 3 days and didn't even know if the goddamned thing would fit in their trunk???? They do have a website, ya know. Complete with measurements. And then they spent 5 bucks and got excited about 50 cent hot dogs! What is wrong with these people??? And how on EARTH does a brand new store already have an "As Is" section???? I am just baffled.

So, for all of you who think I'm crazy for waiting in line to meet Michael Knight & David Canary...at least I didn't camp out for 2 days to shop at a store that isn't going anywhere! Even if the "free chair" was worth $500 (which I doubt) - 2 whole days of my life is NOT worth that! Good grief. What a world.

Fanaticism

Today I went to Super Soap Weekend at Disney World. This was my first time there and HOLY SHIT was it nuts!!!!! I went on Saturday morning but, having arrived 10 minutes after the park opened, I was too late for autographs. So I tried again today. I got there at 5:45am, the park opened at 8am. I was 9th last in line. CRAZY!!!! I almost had to throw down with 2 bitches who tried to cut me! But, in the end, I got some great pics. I also got two autographs: David Canary & Michael Knight. Both very nice guys. It was a great day. It was also a phenomenal people watching experience. People can be such assholes. I heard that things were REALLY out of control on Saturday morning. Just to give you an idea, here are some pics. The 1st is the line at 8am on Saturday...it was the same length at 6am on Sunday, except it was dark out! The 2nd pic is of the Disney employees trying to keep back all the people who got there after 6am and weren't allowed in the park until 8am. They had to form a human chain to hold them back!

Stuff

Things have been busy! Ever since I got back from ATL I have been going non-stop...but FINALLY I am caught up! Nice.

So...anyway...last weekend was good. The wedding was very nice & very different. The thing that struck me most was how much the people there really loved my friend L (the bride). I'm not sure I could gather a room of people who feel that way about me...but it was actually tangible. They were so happy for her and so proud. It was really nice. Her father gave a really nice speech that began with him talking about the day he fell in love with his daughter (the day she came home from the hospital). It was really wonderful to here a man talk about his daughter like that. Certainly, my father would never do the same. So, I left there feeling very happy for her, not just because she got married but because of the entire clan of fans she had there. It was really nice.

I also got to visit K's brother S....who is one of the few relatives of K's that I respect & get along with. We had a very nice time. He has a FABULOUS house in midtown, and he is doing very well. It was funny because he was warning me about K's mom - things I already know, but it was cute that he cared enough to warn me!

Other than that, life is peachy. K and I are doing well...despite the stress of money and the job hunt. We are making plans to go to a wedding in December, so that will be a fun little adventure. Also, we found out that our class reunion will be in July, so we are looking forward to that - even though we feel so old!!!!

So, now that I am back to my normal life, hopefully I will have something witty to post soon!!

Hotlanta??

Not so much. First of all: it is COLD! I know, I'm spoiled...actually it was only really cold in the morning, but still. Ya know, whenever I visit places I used to live I get this pang of "maybe I should move back here." But it usually goes away. In Buffalo, if it's winter, it goes away in about 30 seconds. Buffalo in the summer takes about 3 or 4 days. Atlanta took about 12 hours. Some parts of this city are GORGEOUS. Amazing huge houses with lots of trees, and in the fall it is especially nice to look at. Plus, there is a lot to see and do, and good food. But driving here is a nightmare! Not only is the traffic bad, the streets are small, there is always construction and I am ALWAYS lost! Even when I think I am in familiar terrain, I end up lost. There are no landmarks (i.e. large bodies of water) and no matter where you go there is a Peachtree St and a sign to 285...well 285 is a loop, so knowing which direction it's in is NOT helpful. Plus, streets change names all the time, with little or no notice. It is just plain obnoxious. This morning on my way to my friend J's house I almost got killed by 2 cars cutting across three lanes of traffic in opposite directions with me in the middle. My heart was pounding for like 30 minutes. Then I missed a turn because there was no street sign on the road I needed to turn on - not "I didn't see the street sign" it actually wasn't there! Then I got superduper lost on my way back to the hotel. Not to mention the gridlock on the downtown connector. But alas, I finally made it to my hotel, parked my car and walked to dinner! Phew. Now I am ready for a good night's rest before I go get lost again tomorrow.

I miss my home. ;-)

Playing Dress-Up

Yesterday for Halloween I dressed up as a psych patient. It was the 1st time I've celebrated Halloween in about five or six years and it was fun! I only went to a party at work, but still it was fun being silly for a day! Some people's costumes were very fancy, but nobody was terribly original, which is fine. The best costume idea I heard tho was on the radio - a woman called in & said that when she was a kid her mom took 2 white garbage bags, cut holes in them, put them over her kids's head and they went out as white trash! HA! I love it.

Anyway, tonight I am driving to Atlanta for the weekend - going to a wedding and visiting friends. I hope you all a good Halloween & have a good weekend!!

Pet Peeve #297

When women are so stupid they make me defend men.

Today Dr. Phil was talking about child support issues. There was a man on there talking about the fact that he thinks men should not have to pay child support for kids that are not theirs just because women lie to them. And then there were women arguing with that principle! WTF??? And not just ANY women - smart women like Gloria Allred!!!! She was actually saying that these men were at fault for...I actually have no idea what she was blaming them for! I mean, the scenario goes like this:

W sleeps with M1 & M2
W gets pregnant and tells M1 he is the father
M1 believes her and, without taking her to court, helps take care of the baby
10 years later, W gets mad at M1 and reveals to him that he may not be the father
DNA Test reveals M1 is NOT the father
M1 refuses to keep giving W money
W takes M1 to court for child support
Court requires M1 to pay the support because he waited too long to do the DNA test

So, in essence, M1 is punished for believing W & volunteering to take care of the child and W is rewarded for lying. Some will argue that the child should not suffer because of the mother's lies, and I agree, but neither should M1!! And truthfully, how do we really know that W is using the money for the benefit of the kid? In many cases that does not happen. Especially when you are dealing with women who lie to get the support to begin with. I just can't believe that anyone could argue with a straight face that any man should be forced to pay for another man's child against his will. It's one thing if M1 adopts M2's kid knowing the truth, but nobody should be forced into fatherhood.

5 Days With K

Actually, it went pretty well. The fight I thought we were going to have turned out not to be a fight at all. We had one little argument on Sunday night, but that was really no big deal. And after we made up he said "I love being able to talk to you." LOL Not the reaction I expected, but okay.

We went to the beach and walked around Biketoberfest, he fixed my car stereo and replaced my shower head, and I brought him to work to show him around & introduce him to people. THAT was funny! He was literally sweating from being nervous...it was so cute. And he refused to sit behind the bench in the courtroom. We also went to see "We Own the Night" which was pretty good...I think K liked it better than I did. I think he even teared up a bit, but he will NEVER admit that! Oh! And we ate dinner at cheesecake factory, FINALLY! Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Cheesecake....Yummmmmm!

I cried a lot when I had to drop him off last night...more than usual. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it was such a good visit, maybe also because I am a bit emotional with all the stress of trying to find a job. I dunno. Then today I watched him drive away on I-4 from my office window and I cried again. What a pussy I am! LOL

Anyway, so that is that. He says he will try to be down here for thanksgiving, but that is unlikely. So, I may not see him again until Dec. 27th. Ugh. That is a long time. And since the only interviews I am getting are in Tampa, it is unlikely that we will see very much of each other once I finish this job. Why can't life be just a little bit easier? Oh well. As K says "We'll figure it out."

I am starting to hate my mailman

Two more rejections today. I appreciate everyone's encouragement and well wishes. So many people are telling me that I sent out resumes so early, but the truth is I asked the firms before I sent them out and they all told me "by mid-october", so that is what I did. And if I just wasn't hearing anything I would think that this was just firms waiting to see what they need. But I am hearing things, and they are all bad. And I guess I believe I will get a job eventually, but will it be awful? Will I hate it? And where will it be? I don't know, I am just really feeling the pressure right now. But, for the sake of all my readers, friends and family members, I will do my best to stop whining about it and move on. I will, of course, let everyone know if I get any good news.

K will be here on Thursday. I am excited to see him because I have been so stressed lately. Of course, I am worried about him coming here too. But things have been pretty good lately, so hopefully we will have a good weekend. Anyway, that's all for now.

POM @ HOB

Translation = Puddle of Mudd at House of Blues. Yep, that's right, CJ went to a concert last night. A real live outing - on a school night no less! LOL It was okay. Saliva opened for POM, and they were not very good live. One of their guitarists was SO creppy I thought he was gonna give me nightmares. He kept spitting beer on the audience, it was insane. Theye did play Always - which is one of my favorite songs of all time - and that was excellent. But the harder stuff is just better in the studio than live.

POM was VERY good live. They did lots of good songs, and I really enjoyed seeing them. Plus, they were much less creepy. They ended with She Hates Me, which they actually mixed with Summer Lovin' from Grease. That was HILARIOUS. I loved it.

We ate dinner at HOB before the show. That was not very good. I was unimpressed with their menu and nothing tasted very good. Plus, me and the girl I was with both felt a little nauseous during the show and I think it may be something we ate there. (It may also have been that someone around us was DRENCHED in some awful smelling lotion or something, who knows.) But I am fine today, so that is good.

I have decided though that I am getting really old. I felt so self-conscious there, which is unusual for me. Plus I was sick of standing real quick. I think my concert going days may be over. I was invited to go to a Fall Out Boy show on Nov. 1st, and I love their music, but I don't think I am gonna go. Not only because I feel old, but also because those guys are so unattractive and awkward that they are hard for me to watch. I know, that sounds crazy, but it's one of my many quirks.

So, anyway, that was my sunday. Oh, I also got 2 more rejection letters this weekend. Dammit.

Stats

Applications sent: 15
"No openings" responses: 4
Interviews: 1
Offers: 0

Grr. I know, I know, I have lots of time. Don't get discouraged. Blah blah blah. But seriously, I am getting a little nervous, ya know? I mean, if one of these 11 remaining firms doesn't make me an offer, I really don't have very many "back up" firms to go to. Only like 2 or 3. Am I gonna end up working in the public defender's office? Don't get me wrong, I could do that. And I wouldn't HATE it. But it's not the kind of paycheck I was hoping for ya know? Ugh. Color me distressed.

Interview #1

Yuck. I mean, I was fabulous & they should hire me. But unless I don't get any other offers, I won't be working there.

1st, the first guy to interview me said he didn't believe that prisoners had any civil rights at all, and anyone who does believe that is a liberal.

Next, I was asked how I would make up for being a clerk for two years rather than at a firm, because I never learned how to file notices or serve process.

Finally, I was told not to expect Xmas off or any other day for that matter. And if I wanna have babies, plan on taking a blackberry into the delivery room. Oh, and BTW, one of the partners told me he had worked until 4:30 a.m. the night before...on a SUNDAY!

So, um, thanks but no thanks. Next.

K Dreams of Genie

Last night K had a dream that I was a Genie. He said that I granted all his wishes. I fixed his credit report and I made him a Doctor, so that he could come home to me every night, and I married him. He said that he wanted me to be human, and he didn't want me to have to grant him any more wishes. But I told him that I could never be human, and that the only way to be sure I never had another master was to kill myself. Otherwise, someone else could find my lamp and then I would have to grant their wishes. He said he pleaded with me not to kill myself and that he would protect me, but I didn't listen and I killed myself. He said that he was emotionally destroyed and angry at me that I left him like that. But he said that when he woke up and heard my voice he was so happy.

I wish I was a Genie. I wish I could fix everything and make it all better. But at least, after sleeping on it, we are both a little less stressed. I had much worse dreams than K did last night. But today, I think we are both ready to do what we can to fix things, and he is not acting so defeated. So, hopefully we can fix this now - even without a magic lamp.

STRESSED

For the last few weeks I have been a little bit depressed. Things started to perk up earlier in the week with the interview offer, but last night K got some bad news and now I am way beyond a little bit depressed.

K has been trying to re-finance his house for the past 6 months. I think his mortgage broker is a moron, but he won't listen to me. Well, somehow, in the last 6 mos, K's credit score has gone down 80 points. We don't know why, but this means nobody will approve him to re-fi the house. This is bad because he has a variable rate mortgage and when it goes up next year, which I am sure it will, he won't be able to make his monthly payments. So basically he will have to sell his house and get an apartment for his mother. He is VERY pissed and depressed and so very hard to deal with. He thinks that his credit score is messed up because he's black, and maybe it is. I don't see any reason why it would be so much lower than mine. But there is just nothing I can do about it. And the worst part is that now he has this attitude like he should just give up on everything. And he is being reckless so he got in an accident (not a big one) and then he cut his hand open, and all these things cost money to take care of. He doesn't have health insurance. Everything is just a mess and I don't know what to say or do. I keep telling him to let me get a copy of his credit report, but he would rather bitch. I dunno. I am just so stressed and my head hurts and I wanna cry and sleep.

Who's Your Daddy?

Jenna Bush was interviewed on CBS this morning. Apparently, she wrote a book about a 17 year-old girl in central america with HIV (or maybe AIDS...not sure of her status). Anyway, the following exchange took place:

Harry: In the book you talk a lot about condom use and safe sex practices. Is that contrary to how you were brought up? Or to what the republican party....?

Jenna: No! Not at all! Well, I don't know what the republican party thinks, but I think all parents agree that children should be educated, and we all want kids to be safe.

WTF?????? No Jenna! NOT all parents agree with that! In fact, your father and his party have made laws that vehemently oppose educating kids!!! Have you not heard of the "abstinence only curriculum"??? Are you so out of touch with your own country that you don't even know that kids are NOT being taught safe sex practices in school anymore? Do you not pay attention to what your own father is doing????

I am absolutely appalled by this. Here she is writing a book on HIV/AIDS, and she never even bothers to find out what is going on in this country on that topic? I really hope that someone informs her, seriously, about the abstinence only philosophy espoused by her father and his party. Personally, I think it is disgusting that kids are getting "sex ed" that doesn't teach them about condom use. It seems that she would be disgusted too....if only she was paying attention.

And just for fun....

A Step in the Right Direction

I got called for my 1st interview today! Yay! It is with the Tampa office of a large international firm. K is SO excited for me, which is so nice. Even tho it's not in NC he is totally psyched. Really, I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. The best thing about this is that, while it is a great opportunity, it's not my TOP choice, so it will be a good warm up to interviewing, ya know? I won't be devastated if I don't get it, so I can kinda relax. The guy who called me today was really nice and all the web gossip I can find about the firm is positive.

Anyway, all the interview talk made me think about something. It will be exactly 3 years ago next wednesday (10/10) that I interviewed in Charlotte...with a firm I just re-applied to. I remember because the day before the interview, while I was at the hotel, I called Megan to say happy birthday. It was the 1st time I talked to her on her birthday in about 8 or 9 years, because we had JUST found each other again. I remember how happy she was that I remembered and how glad I was to make her smile. I was so happy that we were friends again - I still am! Of course! Things have changed so much in the last 3 years - for both of us. It's so strange. No real point here, I was just thinking about that.

Anyway, I'll let everyone know how the interview goes and if I get any more!!! Wish me luck!

A Case of the Mondays

I finished a great book today! Oryx & Crake by Margaret Atwood. I really loved it - more than I thought I would. In fact, I already miss the main character! So, I would highly recommend this one.

I spent the rest of my day watching TV on my computer at work. I watched Shark and the Bionic Woman. Shark is one of my favorite shows, so that was excellent as usual. I'm still not sure about BW. It's better than I first thought, but I'm not sure I will care about the characters enough to keep watching. There are a few new shows that I REALLY liked: The Reaper and Life. Both have an element of dark humor, both will probably be cancelled.

Anyway, I did do a little bit of work today, but in total no more than an hour. There is just NOTHING going on. We have a trial this week, but it's E's case so I have nothing to do with it. Plus it's a re-trial of a case we took from another judge. So there aren't even any new issues really. Except that the lawyers are trying to get away with ridiculousness and my judge is kicking their asses. For example, one lawyer today made a motion to prevent witnesses from crying. My judge said "I can do a lot of things, but preventing a person from crying is not one of them." Sheesh.

So, anyway, that was my very boring, unproduvctive day. I think tomorrow I will watch How I Met Your Mother, and maybe Law & Order SVU from last week. ;-)

Good Clean Fun

K and I had so much fun last night. We did the stupidest thing: we played checkers over IM. LOL I know, so silly...but we laughed our asses off and it was just a great night. The funny thing is, I bought a webcam last night, so now he can see me too. I thought he was gonna be all perverse about it, but he wasn't. It was just a really nice night, and it made me so happy.

Sloth

This weekend was perhaps the laziest weekend I have had, without being sick, in about a year! I spent the majority of it watching the first season of Heroes, which I bought myself last week. My goal was to finish the whole season by tonight so that I can start watching the new season, which will include a new cast member: Kristen Bell (aka Veronica Mars)! I totally heart her, so I had to be loyal. And I have to say, I do like the series. There are a few casting choices I would not have made, but other than that it is pretty good. I still have 3.5 more episodes to watch from Season 1, so I should be caught up by next week. Then I will send the DVDs to my mommy, so she can catch up too.

K was out west this week....in Wyoming and Utah. He was so whiny! Complaining how bored he was, and how cold he was, and he had a headache from the elevation. Sheesh! Last night he was like "what if you needed me and I am all the way out here?" I was like "Okay, now u are just being lame." I mean, really....what if I needed him? What am I? Five? He just prefers to stay on the east coast. That's fine...but then he should just refuse to go out there. Honestly, he got under my skin this weekend really bad. Today he is giong to Washington and then hopefully he will head back east. Then maybe I will be able to stand him again.

Where do I begin??

Today was a particularly bizarre news day, in my humble opinion.

First, I saw a story about a guy at a gym, who picked up an exercise bike WITH A PERSON ON IT and through it at the wall. Apparently the "victim" was grunting too much during the spinning class, and this guy just couldn't take it anymore. Well, this guy is my new hero. There is nothing I hate more than men who grunt at the gym. I realize that sometimes you can't help it, but other times it is just for attention. Like some hot chick is gonna get all turned on by your manly noises? Not gonna happen my friend. It's disgusting. If you need to grunt THAT much during your work out, maybe you aren't in very good shape and you should take it down a notch. Otherwise, someone in better shape may just throw you through a wall. Rock on spin-rager dude. You can work out next to me anytime.

Next, I saw a story about a guy who lost his digital camera at an OSU football game. Apparently, some girl picked it up, downloaded the pics, and started an email chain letter looking for the dude in the pics. Eventually, enough buckeyes had forwarded the thing that the guy was found and got his camera back. Why was this on the national news? Because it's a human interest story of course! Imagine, all these wonderful, sensitive people getting together to make sure that this rich white man gets his cherished camera back! I always knew Americans had heart, but THIS! Just extraordinary. Imagine all the people that had to click "Forward" to make this miracle come true! It brings tears to my eyes. Really, I'm verclempt.

Finally, is the Jena 6. This is just some stupid little story about racism in Louisiana...no big deal. Just some black kids, thrown in jail, to be persecuted in a town that likes to hang nooses on trees. Hardly worth mentioning. Unless of course you remember the Scottsboro Boys, and maybe think you fell into a worm hole and woke up in the 1930s.

Yawn.

So, it's about 10:15 am and I already have nothing to do. I wrote two orders and that's all there is. Ugh. I still have this dreadful article to work on, but I hate it so I am ignoring it until my boss brings it up again. I have therapy at noon, so that will break up the day a bit...but I really just want to take a nap.

Yesterday I bought the 1st season of Heroes on DVD. I've never seen it before but I have decided to try and watch it this weekend so that I can watch the 2nd season. All the hype has made me curious. I hope I like it or that was a complete waste of 30 bucks! But I think I will like it cuz it sounds kinda like 4400 and I LOVE that show. So, we'll see.

In other news, K got a web cam, so he hooked it up last night so I could watch him drive. He was WAY too excited. He kept showing me the streets and stuff and he was like "Can u see me???" a thousand times. It was funny. I guess it will be nice to "see" him more now, but honestly watching him drive is like watching paint dry. But he is happy, so I played along. Now he wants me to get one so he can "see me eat cuz he doesn't believe that I eat when he is not around." Whatever the fuck that is about. Like my ass grows like this all by itself???

So, I guess I will just sit here and be bored all day. Hopefully I won't cause too much trouble. Hope u all are having a good Tuesday!

Envy? Nah.

So I watched the Emmy's last night and, as usual, my mom and I commented on all the dresses this morning. And I always think how wrong it is. I mean, all of these women are gorgeous - way better looking than I am. So who am I to talk? I could never look that good. Am I just making fun because I'm jealous? But then I think, no. These women are gorgeous and have all the money in the world - they should look perfect! If I had all that money, and all those people helping me, I certainly wouldn't leave the house wearing a swan, or a dress that was the same color as my skin, or anything else tragically heinous. I would at least wear a good color, and no feathers, and it would fit. So, I guess I do feel justified in commenting...especially considering the fabulous dresses I have picked out on my own very limited budget for my highly imperfect body, without any help from professionals.

Look What I Bought!!!!

It is a 32-inch LCD HDTV. I got it from Sears, brought it home & set it up all by myself! Yay! I love it! Although I am still recovering from signing the bill. LOL

How much do I HATE thee? Let me count the ways....

My father did the most heinous thing ever this week. He printed out emails from my sister and I, sent them to his lawyer and is trying to use them against my mother. I have to tell my sister today and I know it will break her heart. But she needs to know that she can't trust him. All night I was having nightmares about him. I kept trying to kill him or at least hurt him and nothing worked. Never in my life have I wished so much that he would die. Just when I think I can't hate him anymore, he tops it all. Here is the story.

My sister is coming to my house for thanksgiving. Under the divorce agreement, my father is supposed to pay her travel expenses up to $2500 each year. So, I told her that I would buy the tix and then see if he would pay me back. But if he refused, the tix will be her Xmas present. So, because she is afraid of him, she sent him an email that said that I offered to buy her tix as a Xmas gift. So, I send DB an email asking him if he wants me to buy them and send him the receipt or if he wants to just buy them. 24 hrs later, no answer. So I write him again and say that I will just buy them and send him the receipt so that she doesn't lose out on tix. I do that, email him the receipt. No response. Fine, whatever.

So yesterday my mom gets a letter in the mail from DB's lawyer, with copies of mine & my sister's emails attached. The letter says that he believes that my mom is coming down here for thanksgiving too and that this shows that she is manipulating the kids into working against him to take his money. WTF???? All he had to say was "No. These tix are not my responsibility. Jessi said they were an Xmas gift from you." End of story. But no, he has to be an asshole about it. So now my mother is afraid that her divorce is in jeopardy. Honestly, I don't think it can be. He already signed the agreement, this is just an interpretation issue. The contract says "travel to and from college." I think he wants it to say "travel to and from Buffalo." But it doesn't. He should have thought of that before. But I don't care, I'm not going to fight for $500. I will buy her anything she needs. It's not about the money, I just hate him for doing this. And there is like nothing I can do, ya know? I can't even call him and scream because for all I know he will fucking record it. All I can do is wait for him to die. I really think that will be the happiest day of my life.

Working Out The Kinks

When we moved into the new building the semi-private women's restroom nearest our chambers did not lock. It had a lock on it, but it was a purely decorative lock. So, we wrote "In Use!" on a pink post-it-note, and every time we went into the bathroom, we put the note on the outside of the door.

Last Friday, they put a new lock on the door. This one works, altho it doesn't feel very secure because it is hard to tell when you have locked the door unless you actually try the handle from the outside. But fine, better than a post-it note. Except that today someone locked us OUT of the bathroom. Nobody was in it, but the door was locked and there is no key. So, we got a maintenance guy to unlock it with a screwdriver.

Today's lessons: (1) You must purposely UNlock the bathroom door when you leave and (2) do not use the bathroom when there is anybody with a screwdriver in the vicinity.

Proof of Donut

I heard this bit on the radio today:

The other day I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt. I don't need a receipt for a donut! I give you money, you give me a donut. End of transaction. No need to get ink and paper involved.

I can't imagine a scenario where I would need to prove that I bought a donut. A skeptical friend perhaps? "Dude, don't even act like I didn't buy a donut. I have the documentation right here!"

I just have this to add: You know you're a lawyer when you hear this bit and start thinking "Well, what if you are accused of murder and you need an alibi for the exact time you bought the donut? Or what if the donut makes you sick and you decide to sue?"

So, yes, I am in the right profession. That's all.

Today's Top News Story:

News reel from six years ago! Amazing!! If they hadn't replayed all that stuff, after six whole years I surely would have forgot! Oh no wait, they played it last year, and the year before that, and....

I am all for remembering those who died, but can we not relive it every freakin' year? How is any family supposed to move on when every 365 days they have to watch the tragedy again? Imagine if you had to watch the death of a loved one over and over again every year. Your father's heart attack, you aunt's car accident, whatever it may be. We all know what happened. Mention it, tell us where the memorials are, and move the fuck on. Thank you.

Back To Square One

So, I had one full excellent day while we were in Buffalo, and then a few "better" days and now it's back to awful again. All I wanna do is cry, but for whatever reason the tears won't come. He says "don't be so emotional, it's no big deal." But it is a big deal. Why does he make me feel this way? He knows the things that upset me and he says them anyway. I feel sick with sadness right now. I know you are all thinking "what happened?" but it's WAY too TMI, even for this blog. I am just so sad, so hurt, I had to write something.

Also, I forgot to take a pill tonite. I wanted to start doing that on Sundays, cuz I have such a hard time falling asleep. But it's too late now. And I know it will be hard to sleep tonight now that I am upset. I wish I could brush things off the way he tells me too. But I just can't. Not these things.

Will Work For Food

So, as it has begun to appear that my attempts at a 2nd clerkship have failed, I am moving on to the 2nd phase of the job search: Law Firms. As much as it gives me a tummy ache to think about being a "real" lawyer, it's something I have to face. So, I have picked out 9 firms for the 1st round of applications. Five in NC and four in FL. I have sent an email to my former career services staff, asking for advice on the best way to go about this. My resume is already done, so all I really have to do is put together the packets, and I will send them out around October 1st.

My mother is officially having her own private breakdown. She is pretty convinced that I am going to let K ruin my life. I'm not sure what she thinks exactly, but something like me moving to Charlotte and taking care of K and his entire family and losing everything of my own. Nothing I say will convince her that I am not gonna let that happen. If only she knew how insensitive and cruel I really am, I doubt she would worry about this.

Personally, I am worried about moving to NC. Mostly because I don't know if I can be happy there, and once I'm there, I worry I won't be able to come back. I mean, once I leave, will any FL firm ever take me? I don't know. I am extra worried about moving after last weekend. This sounds dumb, but my allergies were SO bad in Buffalo, what if they are just as bad in NC? I haven't spent enough time up there to really know for sure. I was pretty bad in Atlanta, but I think after 3 years I built up more of a tolerance. But still, I remember being pretty miserable the 1st summer there. And I can't take my allergy meds during the day, cuz I get too sleepy.

Luckily, K is very supportive of me staying here if that is what I decide to do. It won't be easy, but it's not a deal-breaker. So, if I get a better job down here than up there, I will stay. But as it stands, the firms up there seem to be paying more. I feel like I need a forensic accountant to tell me, factoring in income tax and cost of living, how the salaries actually compare, ya know? Because it's more expensive to live here, but we have no state income tax. Also, even though houses are less expensive up there, groceries seem to be more expensive. I dunno. I guess I should try to get AN offer, before I worry about accepting or declining them! LOL

The Worst Revenge Is Proving Them Right

Just like any other workplace, mine has its own drama. One such drama includes a sort of feud between a friend of mine JS, and her co-worker B. It just so happens that B is friends with the secretary in my office, TW. So JS and B hate each, B bitches to TW, now TW hates JS and tells me that she doesn't trust her and "gets a bad vibe" from her. Last week TW and I had this conversation:

TW: Are you good friends with JS?
Me: Yeah, pretty good, why?
TW: Well, just do me a favor and don't mention my name to her.
Me: Ok.....why? Did something happen?
TW: No, I just don't get a good vibe from her, and I don't know how close you two are, but I don't want you telling her anything about me.
Me: Ok, well it's not something you need to worry about.

So, I thought this conversation was kinda weird and out of the blue, but whatever. Today I went to lunch with JS and she asked how TW and I were getting along, and I said "Well, I'm not allowed to talk to you about her actually. Haha." So, I tell JS the story. Well, JS flips the fuck out...but in this silent facial expression way that she does. She says "I am so mad right now. I really wanna go to TW and confront her about this." WTF? I was like "Please, dont do that. TW will just be mad at me and my life for the next year will be hell." But JS keeps saying she wants to talk to TW and how mad she is and blah blah blah.

I think JS totally overreacted, and pretty much proved TW right, ya know? I understand her being upset, but it was almost like she was gonna take it out on me. To be honest, I'm still not sure what JS is gonna do and it's making me nervous. And now I feel like I don't want to tell JS things anymore, about me or TW or anyone else, ya know? I know she's not a bad person, but the trust is kinda shaky right now. I dunno, just needed to vent about that.

And...She's Back!

Hello blog world. After 5 days in the dial-up world, I am back to high-speed. Thank goodness. I am also back in my real home, after a visit to my former home. I don't want to bore you all with minute details, so here are a few highlights:

1. I am SO allergic to that entire city. I sneezed every 5 minutes for 4 days.

2. I had wonderful girl time with Schmoe and Rita. The only way it could have been better is if it was longer!

3. K was only with me for 2 days of the vacation, but that went well. He got to see my mom, Rita, Hot Mike and my grandparents. He also took me on a tour of the ghetto so I could meet some of his "relatives" and such. It all went pretty well.

4. The 1st thing of substance my gramma said to me when I saw her was a lie. Nice.

5. K and I are doing much better. This was probably our best visit since last October. The vulgarity is pretty much gone, and the kisses are back. He was very sweet. We even slept in the same bed 2 full nights in a row! Go us.

6. I ate some good food, but not as much as I planned and it wasn't quite as good as I thought it would be.

7. I am so glad to be home.

Hope you all had a great long weekend! I'll write more soon.

Going Back "Home"

On Thursday I am going to visit my mommy, as well as my 3 "hometown" friends (Rita, Hot Mike and Schmoe). K is supposed to come up there too, so he can see my mom again (after 10 years). I'm excited, but also a little stressed of course.

First, because of the planning. I want to be sure to make time for everyone and sometimes that is hard. Especially with K there. I want girl time with Schmoe and Rita, but I also want K to "meet" them again so that he can put faces to names better. My mom and I want to go to dinner at her friend's restaurant and go see Harry Potter 5. And, I am planning to take K to meet my grandparents.

On top of that I think he wants me to meet people from his family too.

So, it's just a lot going on. And of course the issue of my grandparents is complex. I want K to meet them before they die, but I am REALLY mad at them for the way they are treating my mother. So I really want to bitch at them, but I feel bad making K suffer through that. Maybe I should send him to sit in the car while I give them a piece of my mind. I feel like, with all that is going on, this may be the last time I ever see them, so I don't want to leave anything unsaid.

Of course the final issue is K and I. We seem to be doing pretty good, so I don't think we will be fighting much. But he only wants to spend one night at my mom's house, the other nights he wants to drink. I told him we can't have sex in my mom's apartment, that is just rude. So, I have a sneaking suspicion I will be having sex in the back of a camaro at some point this weekend. Good lord. What am I? 15 again? I told him we could just stay at a hotel but he said no, so, we'll just have to see how that goes!!!

May I Suggest An MRS. Degree?

Thanks to the diligence and dedication of my Missy, we have this to enjoy:



I am practically speechless. It seems that she went up there with one piece of advice: "mention Iraq, that'll show them you patriotic!" But how South Africa got into the mix, I have no idea! Maybe she thought she was being asked to impersonate an American who would not be able to find the U.S. on a world map. If so, she deserves an Emmy.

Adventure Monkey News, etc.

Tiffany just found out that she passed the bar!!!! Woohoo!!! That means she can cross number 95 off of her list of 100 things she wants to do in her lifetime. And it has me, again, thinking about making my own list. But, it’s very hard for me. I don’t know what that means. Am I lacking ambition? Creativity? Am I lazy? Or does it just mean that I am content with my life? And is that a bad thing? I don’t know. I suppose there are some things I want to do, but nothing that I would be upset if I didn’t do. I mean, I would be upset if I ended up jobless or homeless, but I don’t think those are the kind of things to put on the list. But I am trying to think of things, and these are what I came up with:

1. Go to California
2. Take my mom & sister to Quebec City
3. Pay for my mom to travel through Canada (New Foundland, Vancouver, etc.)
4. Help my sister get through grad school
5. Go to Europe (this one I’m not sure about)
6. Work in litigation at a big firm
7. Win a jury trial
8. Win an appeal
9. Never weigh more than 140 lbs. again
10. Pass another bar exam

I can't think of anything else. I know I have posted about this before...but I didn't bother to go back and search for that old post...but if anyone has any adventure suggestions for my list let me know!

Color Me Stupid

So my sister, J, has not had internet for the last four days. Tonight, she IMed me and we had this conversation:

CJ: u should send me ur school schedule when u have internet again
J: i obviously have internet right now
CJ: lol
CJ: true
CJ: i am a dumb ass

I absolutely cannot stop laughing at myself right now.

Am I a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?

I went to Happy Hour today to "celebrate" that 3 clerks are leaving in the next week, one of them being the RD. *tear* I had a good time, but had a few odd encounters. First was that I found out some very disurbing gossip about TF, the guy that my judge has hired to replace me in a year. Specifically, I was told by one of his fellow graduates that he is racist and sexist. The phrases "militant conservative" and "aryan brotherhood" were used. YUCK! I knew this guy was bad news from day one. I'm not sure what I am going to do with this info yet, I'll get back to you.

Anyway, this info led to a conversation with this one guy whose name and rank I can never remember, but who always talks to me like we are old buddies. In this conversation he asked me what I was going to do after my clerkship, he said "I'm assuming something socially responsible." And that just made me cringe. Because, no, probably not. I will probably get a job at a big law firm, and is that SO bad?? He said "So you are debating between selling out and being socially responsible?" I just laughed, but I was really offended. Why can't I do both? Why do I have to be poor in order to be socially responsible? I said that even if I get a job at a firm, I would probably maintain my ties with the innocence project by being on the board or something. But, it just was really offensive to me. I mean, no matter where I work, I will still be me. I will still participate in causes I believe in and represent ideas I believe in. I'm not going to "sell out". But I worked REALLY hard to get where I am, to have these opportunties, and I want to enjoy it. I dunno, I just feel like those judgments are unreasonable, ya know? Especially from this guy who only thinks he knows me.

Whatever. The happy hour was fun and I had a very good day. Tomorrow is my 1st day in my new office! YAY!

The Asshole I Work With

So tomorrow my office will be relocated to our new building. In preparing for our move we had to put labels on everything with our new floor and room number. Apparently this process was a little too confusing for my co-clerk. He said "It would be easier to just move the stuff myself." Yes, moving everything to the new building would be easier than writing 4 digits on a label. So today, he did just that - he packed up boxes, put them on a cart, and took them to the new building himself. He is such a moron.

But it's what he did yesterday that REALLY pissed me off. I got back from lunch yesterday at 1pm. I came into the office, said hi to him, asked him if anything happened while I was gone and then went to my office. Two hours later he pops his head into my office and stutters out the following: "I forgot to tell you, while you were gone, before the Judge left, he said to tell you that you can take off if you are sick of sitting around here doing nothing." Wow. He "forgot" to tell me. Sure. So I sat in my office for no reason for two hours staring at the ceiling. But whatever, I'm not bitter. K said "Payback's a bitch." No shit. So today, I left at noon. ;-)

The Hows and Whys

I am reading a book called "The Varieties of Scientific Experience", which is a collection of Carl Sagan lectures about the universe and the origin of life, among other things. This is an unusually intellectual endeavor for me, I know. But, my Judge gave the book to me, so I am dutifully reading it as "suggested" - and enjoying it more than I thought I would. It reminds me of many questions I have about certain aspects of scientific knowledge. For example, how on earth do we know that a T-Rex couldn't see anything that wasn't moving? All we have are its bones. How can bones tell us about the functions of its eyes and brains? I mean, it can't be the mere position of the eye in the skull that would determine such things, can it? I understand us being able to tell that it can only move its head or arms in certain ways, those are mechanics. But this kind of characteristic seems more neurological than mechanical, like color-blindness. And speaking of that, how do we know that dogs are color-blind? We can't ask them. Even if a dog fails to react differently to different colors, is it necessarily that he can't see them? Maybe he just doesn't care. I am sure that there are thousands of people out there who could explain these concepts to me, and I am sure that Monkey's husband is one of them, but clearly I have never wondered enough to do any specific research into the topics. They are just things that make me go hmmmm. ;-)

Anyway, this book is pretty interesting and easier to read than I expected because of its conversational tone. So if any of you feel the need to get in touch with the nerd inside you, I would highly recommend it.

School Days

Today is the first day of school here. All of the local news this morning centered around this event. Listening to the radio I learned that this year, teens entering the 9th grade will be required to choose a "major field of interest" which will determine the electives they take in high school. Maybe I am making too big a deal about this, but that just pisses me off. What exactly is the virtue in forcing young people to limit their educational experiences so early in life? These kids are about 14 years old, they shouldn't be required to "focus" their studies, in fact, I think they should be discouraged from doing so. Most people I know switched majors at some point in college, and I think that is a good thing. Teens should have as much opportunity as possible to explore different things. I even hated the idea that kids who took vocational classes in high school were stuck with those, and kids who chose not to do vocational training in high school got no exposure to any of it. Would it be so terrible for a kid to take a class in auto-mechanics AND a class in psychology? Would they implode? I think it would be good for all students to spend time doing as many different things as they can, so they learn more than their little corner of the world. I even think it's horrible for kids to choose a major in college before their second year. Academia is so obsessed with specialties that students feel inadequate without one. Being "undeclared" is somehow shameful, but I think it's fabulous. As a lawyer, I applaud the law firms that refuse to assign first year associates to a practice group, and instead require that they spend a year rotating in some fashion. You will have plenty of time in life to be narrow-minded, pigeon-holed or "specialized", I think the virtuous path is the one that involves learning as much as you can about the rest of the world while you have the chance. Not only will it make you a more interesting and open-minded person, but it will help you to be sure that the specialty you end up with is the one that fits you best. And that's my two cents on that for today.

WTF?

I am just wondering who in their right mind would pay a dollar to give someone a "gift" on facebook???

3rd Time's A Charm??

So, after being told by Therapist #2 that I should read the Bible to find out why I was created, so that I would learn to love my uterus, I have decided to move on to Therapist #3. I have an appt on Thursday afternoon.

In the meantime, K and I are doing very well. I finally got him to understand what it actually means to be "intimate" - that it means things that are personal to just us. He said that he wants us to start going for walks together, exploring parks and such. If he means it, I would love that. He also said that he will try to be less vulgar and listen a little better, and I will continue trying to relax and not be as stressed/serious about everything. And, to show his efforts to be closer to me, he even watched an episode of All My Children. LMAO. He hated it, of course, but it was just adorable to call him and have him say "Okay, so what is going on with Spike?" Too funny.

So anyway, that's the update. Hopefully I will have something more witty and entertaining to write about soon!!!

All Done!!

I finished Harry Potter last night! Woohoo! I managed to get through it without having anyone spoil the ending for me! I am so glad not to have to carry that HUGE book around with me anymore! PHEW!

Nothin' Much

On Thursday I got to hold the newest baby I have met in 15 years! The RD's new daughter to be exact. She is gorgeous. She was only about 17 hours old. It was tons of fun - even though she was sleeping!!! Funny how babies are entertaining even when they are asleep.

So Thursday was a good day, and Friday was pretty chill too. Saturday started off good - I went for a massage. Then I spent the whole day fighting with Korey, essentially about nothing. That was just annoying. By the end of the day he apologized, and I took a nighttime sudafed and went to sleep.

Today I did some shopping and cooking and watched movies, so I am feeling much more relaxed. Virtually no fighting today. I go back to work tomorrow...if I even remember where it is! LOL

I can't believe it's already been a year at my job. And I can't believe that so many people are leaving. I will be so lonely without RD and B! I will have to start hanging out with girls! EEK! Luckily my boys will just be working downtown...so I may still see them once in a while, if their law firms ever let them out! But still, it makes me sad. As much as I can't wait for August 30th because I am going on vacation...it will be a very sad day too. I think I need some ice cream...

One year down!

As many of you know, my offices are being moved to a new building this month. So I spend a lot of time packing. Today I decided to put all of the orders I've written in a binder and bring them home with me. I have been there about a year (August 13th is my actual anniversary I think), so I thought it would be nice to put year one in one binder and year two in another binder. Well, year one needed two binders! Oh well! So, I took a picture of my accomplishment:



Look how tiny Eeyore is next to all of it! LOL Now, on to year two!!!!!

Psych!

This morning, on one of the morning shows (CBS I think), they were talking to people in a small town in Ohio where they have been placing life-size cardboard cut-outs of kids on the side of the road. No, it's not a trap for pedophiles...it's to get drivers to slow down. Apparently drivers tend to slow down when they see someone, particularly a child, standing on the side of the road. This makes sense, you don't want them to leap out in front of your car or whatever. Well, some guy in Ohio thought that fake kids would work just as well, so he made some and put them up. According to the story, the LAPD thinks this is a great idea as well and has called the Ohio dude. They say the fake kids work, and they probably do, for about two days.

This story was funny to me because all this week on my way to work I have been faked out by constructions signs. Particularly signs indicating that the left lane will be ending, when it doesn't. On Monday, everyone moved over to the right when they passed the sign, but we soon learned that the left lane was not closed and moved back. On Tuesday, the only people who moved to the right were people who had probably taken Monday off. The rest of us were not about to get snowed twice in a row. Today (Wednesday) nobody moved over at all. If for some reason they actually do shut down the left lane at some point, there will almost certainly be wrecks, because we are all ignoring the signs now, and will be shocked as hell should we come upon cones one day.

I think the same theory would apply to the fake kids. I think that once you drive by the same two-dimensional child, wearing the same clothes, standing in the same place, with the same stupid smile on his face about 4 or 5 times you will learn to ignore him. And I wonder, will people then become even MORE complacent about kids in the neighborhood? Your brain will be so trained to ignore that stimulus that it may not trigger a reaction. The Ohio guy seemed pretty flattered that the LAPD picked up on his idea - clearly the dude doesn't know much about the LAPD. However, maybe they could use this theory in another context. Like if they put a cardboard cut out of a black dude on the side of the road, how long will the cops beat him until they realize he's fake???

A Save The World Moment

I just read this article and it made me sick.

It talks about a 13 year-old girl who killed her father because he was sexually abusing her. The articles references some statements made by the girl's aunt and uncle. They say that no matter what her father did he's still family and they still love him. They also say that they had "been there" for the girl when she had been abused in the past, and that she had been in counseling and on meds that she must have stopped taking.

These people make me sick. First of all, they knew she was abused before??? WTF??? How was she even living with the asshole? And then they have the nerve to imply that the girl should have been on meds, like SHE was the crazy one???? Sounds like she was the only reasonable one in the family! And what the fuck does it matter if he shares your DNA when he was raping his 13 year-old daughter! You still love him?

This poor girl. She will probably be sent to a juvenile detention center and when she gets out, what waits for her? It doesn't sound like she has a mother in the picture, and this aunt and uncle don't seem any better than her father. I fucking hate people - I wish I could save her, I wish there was something I could do to make a difference in her life, so she doesn't end up where the stats say she will. I wish I had more power and more resources, stories like these make me feel absolutely useless.

My Job Is Sweet - Literally

I went out to lunch today with B, a friend from work. We ate at Panera and then B had to stop by publix to order a birthday cake for his co-clerk. So, I'm standing in publix admiring all the luscious desserts and debating buying myself either a mini canoli (with chocolate sprinkles!) or something called a "Tiramisu-wich" that appeared to be tiramisu between two pieces of chocolate. Mmmmm. But, I decided to hold back and didn't get anything. I then guilt-tripped B for making me go to publix with him and not buying me anything - but I was only kidding. He said he had brownies in his chambers, so I considered going for one of those. But then, I walked into my office, and on my desk was a HUGE piece of Tiramisu! No joke. I was a little worried - kinda feeling like Alice In Wonderland when the little piece of cake appears out of nowhere and she eats it and grows to like 100 feet tall. So I yelled out "Why is there a dessert on my desk?" and discovered that my judge left it for me! Fancy that!!! Next time I go out to lunch I will wish for cash.

A Tale of Two Sex Lives

I have recently been dubbed (by the RD) the "Queen of TMI" - which I must say I kind of enjoy, and my BFF, R, would surely agree with that title. So, to those of you who care, this is a TMI warning for this entry...and maybe for all future and past entries??

Anyway, as you know, I started with a new shrink last week. She was nice, but I left there a little bit pissed off. Every time I told her how I felt about sex vs. how K feels about it she told me I was wrong and he was right. Well, I beg to differ. Maybe she thinks that his ideas are utopian, and something I should reach for, but that does not make my ideas wrong. The things I know about sex are true, whether the rest of the world likes it or not. A good deal of sex is transactional, a lot of it is violent, and a lot of it is gross. Both K and this shrink think that the mere fact that he loves me should change everything about something that is no different with him than with a stranger. This makes no sense to me at all. If he beat me, the fact that he loves me wouldn't change the fact that he beat me. So why does it change the fact that he uses my body for his own sexual purposes? Why should I suddenly be flattered by that?

I asked K this weekend "what is different about how you have sex with me versus how you have sex with people you don't love?" And he really couldn't answer me. He says it is "emotional" and "sensual" and can't be explained. No, I said, I want to know what you DO that is different, not what's in your head. I want something concrete that I can hold on to and say "THIS is how I know." He says "Well, I hold you afterwards." First of all, no he doesn't. Second of all, who cares? That's like an apology, like "I know I just hurt you and used you, so here is this hug to make it all better." Well, it's too late by then, ya know? Just like someone who cries after he beats his wife. Too little, too late.

I told him that I don't see how our sex could be anymore impersonal than it is, how he could be any more vulgar or aggressive or cold with a stranger than he is with me. When I used to have sex with Andy, I knew he didn't love me because he didn't kiss me. Well, K doesn't kiss me either, he doesn't like kissing. When I had sex with people I hardly knew I kept my clothes on...even my underwear. Well, it's the same with him. So what is intimate about that? His answer: well maybe I just don't want to be in a relationship.

But, it kinda proves my point. He says he wants me to like sex, he wants me to tell him what I like. So I say: Kiss me, shut the TV off, let me take my underwear off at least. Nope. He doesn't seem to care. He doesn't want me to like sex. He wants me to like what HE likes. I don't see how that has anything to do with me or love or intimacy. It's the same old story. The only difference is that this time his ego needs to be stroked too. He needs to think that I like it. And all I feel is that I should never have told him the truth, I should have faked it from the beginning. I tried, I really did, unfortunately my own tear ducts betrayed me. And now I'm stuck. And if nobody can offer me any logical explanation, I don't see how I will ever feel any different than I feel now.

Grrr

There is this commercial out there now for Swiffer that features a court room scene in which a woman is describing how ineffective her regular broom was. She is on the witness stand and the lawyer asks her "Can you point to the defendant?" and she points to her broom, positioned at the defense table, and everyone gasps. This commercial makes me NUTS!!!! Who the hell asks if you can point to the defendant??? Unless you are an amputee, of course you can! It's the one at the defense table, next to the lawyer!!! Generally you would ask a witness to point to the perpatrator! DUH! I know this is silly, but really, it makes me insane. I almost threw out my swiffer - but then I got a hold of myself.

Back to Reality

Well, I am back at work. Unfortunately I have ACTUAL work to do! YUCK! I started working on this RICO thing and then, like a moron, volunteered to take a Section 1983 case from E...and now both are MUCH bigger jobs than I thought! Then my judge gives me this FLSA thing that is HUGE. Grrrr. Well, it's fine cuz I have been bored for so long, so I should do some real work. But still, I needed to whine a bit!

In other news, things with K are good. Actually, MUCH better than they have been for a long time. We are making each other laugh again, and relating to each other more like partners than enemies again. It's good. I am starting with a newn shrink on friday, and I have been reading a self-help book called "The Survivor's Guide to Sex" which is directed toward people who have survived rape or molestation. So far it's been good, I can definitely identify with a lot of it. Of course, there are some things I don't identify with, but I think it's good that I started reading it before going to my appointment on friday...it gives me sort of a starting point. I just really hope I like this woman...I would hate to have to try a THIRD counselor in one year. Wish me luck!!!

Visitation

So my friend Chelle has been visiting me for the last few days. She got here on Wed night. On Thursday I left work at lunch time and we went to St. Petersburg. We hung out on the beach, watched the sun set and got some ice cream. It was nice. We drove out there in a mustang convertible that she rented, so that was neat.

Yesterday we went to sea world. I had never been there before. It was okay. The Sea Lion show was GREAT, very funny, and I got to see manatees, so I was happy. But it was a very hot, very expensive day. The good thing is I bought an annual pass (they are so cheap it's stupid not to as a FL resident), so I can go see manatees whenever I want! And that makes me happy. The shamu show was so corny it was painful - too much about people, not enough about the animals. They also had this mini cirque du soleil kind of show called Odyssea. It was cool, but I am spoiled by the very impressive aerial dance shows I saw while living in Athens. So even cirque didn't overwhelm me. But still, I am glad to have gone to sea world, it's something I should do while I live here. Plus, MANATEES!!!!!! Yay! I will go back and visit them.

Today kinda sucked cuz it was raining EVERYWHERE! We drove to Daytona, but couldn't be on the beach really. So we went to a few souvenir shops and then the rain stopped and we walked along the beach a bit. We ordered chinese food for dinner and watched a movie called "Lone Star State of Mind" which was pretty funny. I am SO exhausted! So I will be going to bed now. Not sure what we will be doing tomorrow...hopefully less rain.

Today's Lesson

Whenever I hang out with one of my girlfriends, I remember all the reasons why I appreciate K. He lets me be me. He isn't controlling. He trusts me. My happiness makes him happy. He is responsible and he rarely drinks. He lets me into his heart and mind, and tells me things he can barely admit to himself. He worries about me when I'm sick just as much as my mother does. He doesn't care how much I weigh or how I dress, he thinks I'm beautiful anyway. He touches my face and tucks my hair behind my ears, and just looks at me. He is there for me at 2am when I have a nightmare or just can't sleep. He calls to apologize when he's wrong. He just loves me, and when I need to I can feel it around me like a big comfy sweatshirt.

I know that things have been hard for the last month. But they are so much better. I really think I just needed to hear him say some things out loud. I didn't trust my own heart enough to believe what I felt was really there. But I do now. I feel better, I think he does too. And I think we are gonna be okay. I'm glad that we are both stubborn enough to not walk away at the 1st sign of trouble. I'm glad we both thought we were worth fighting for. I hope we were right. Tonite, it feels like we were.

Funny Stuff

Yesterday on the way to work I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about an incident in Macon, GA where a Deputy Sheriff shot and killed a pig that he thought was wild, but turned out to be someone's pet. The family that owned the pig said that he was playful, friendly, and had a lot of personality. The DJ said "Apparently, he was a real ham." HAHA!!!! I can't stop laughing about that. I know, I'm a loser. Here's a link to the story:

http://www.newsone.ca/piercelandherald/stories/index.php?action=fullnews&id=29610

Hannibal Rising

So, I watched that movie this weekend. I was kind of disappointed. Certainly, the story was interesting. But the film was very dark & intense, sometimes hard to follow. It was very gory, but I think the gore was necessary to the character development....not just shock value like in Hannibal. But the real disappointment was that it almost went TOO far back. I wanted this movie to end where Red Dragon began, with Hannibal's arrest. Instead, it began when he was a small child and ended when he was about 25. Also, the story doesn't completely make sense with his later pathology. Using this background, at some point Hannibal goes from a revenge killer to someone who kills just for pleasure, and we don't know why. It's easy to see why he enjoyed the revenge killings...but what made him switch to "innocent" victims? How did he choose his later vics? There are a lot of questions left unanswered. Like I said, the story was good, but Red Dragon & Silence of the Lambs are still the best in the series.

12 Hours Together

K was here last night, just passing through, but I think it was good for us. To be in the same room, just us, after everything that has been going on. I feel a lot better. I'm not sure why, but I guess things finally felt back to normal. We actually had fun and laughed together. We didn't fight about anything. Things just felt right again. So, hopefully we are past all the things that have happened over the last month. He left at 8:30 this morning, and then I went to starbucks and publix and came home and took a nap. I started reading Harry Potter yesterday, but I haven't really made a dent in it. I will read more later, and then take it to work. I should have PLENTY of time there! Hope everyone else had a good weekend too!

Take Two

Last night I had a nightmare about E. I woke up and I was crying all morning, thinking that what happened in my dream could easily happen in real life. So, I just called K and told him how sad I was, and that I have been sad for 3 weeks, and I can't take it anymore. He said he doesnt want me to be sad, and he hates the idea of him making me sad. So I told him that I cant face a lifetime of E. I feel like she is a constant threat, and will be for the rest of our lives. I said everytime we fight I worry that she will be my punishment. And he said no, that is how he used to be, but he has never loved anyone as much as me and he wouldn't do that to me. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone but me, and I am his best friend. He said that to him, she is nothing so he doesn't see how I can worry. So then, we are talking & I am crying and out of nowhere he says "I won't talk to her anymore. Okay? Does that fix it? Will u be happier then?" And I said "Well, I never asked for you to cut her out completely..." and he says "I know, but I will. I don't want to lose you. So I will get rid of her." So, I told him that I will try to move on from this then. I don't know if I can, but I will try. He says he just loves me and wants me to be happy, and if I am not happy with him then I should leave, but he doesn't want me to. So, I told him I won't leave. We will try to get better and move on and just see what happens. So that's where we are now.

Truce

So yesterday I essentially spent the whole day fighting with K. A few times I thought we broke up, but at the end of the night we called a truce. I said that we both had said what we had to say and we were just repeating things. I know how he feels, he knows how I feel, and all we can do is try to do better in the future. The problem is, I think I felt better when I thought we were broken up than I feel now. I mean, life is just easier on my own, ya know? And I feel like breaking up is punishing him, and he doesn't deserve to be punished. But I just don't know if we can ever go back to when we were happy. Back to before all of the hurt started. I know that he is very sorry for some of the things he has done and said, and I know that he did them without really thinking. But they still hurt me and I can't forget them. I am trying to convince myself to hang on a little longer to see how things go, but the problem is I end up waiting until we see each other and we may not see each other again until October. That is a lot of hanging on.

He says he didn't cheat on me, that he bought the condoms for A, which A will neither confirm nor deny in that he is not responding to my email. I told K that I believe him that he didn't cheat, though I don't know if I really do. Everyone says he wouldn't do that, but how can I be sure? He says that he is not attracted to E at all anymore, and that I am 100% more important to him than she is. I told him he needs to prove that to me. I am sick of him hiding me from her. When we are together and someone calls him, he's always like "Let me call you back, I'm with my baby." Except when E calls, then he is "going into a store" or "working on a radio" or "watching a movie" and he will call her back. He never tells her I am there. I said it makes me feel like the other woman. It breaks my heart. He says he is sorry and he won't do that anymore. He says he wont answer the phone if she calls while he is talking to me. And I said fine. We will see how that goes. I said he has to stop using her to threaten me. He says then I have to stop telling him to go sleep with other people. So then we get into the sex issue.

He wants me to go back to a shrink. But the problem is, I don't really want to anymore. I feel like he just wants me to be weaker. Like if by some miracle I start to like sex, and I start to want it, then that is something new that he can use against me. And it may keep me from leaving if it's something I want that I can't get elsewhere, ya know? And I feel like I go to these Drs and talk for an hour and it's all in an effort to make him feel better. Why? What is he doing to make me feel better? Maybe he should go to a shrink and find out why he is so addicted to sex. Maybe he should go and find out why he lets people treat him like shit over and over again with no consequences. Maybe he should find out why he treats the person who loves him most the worst. I dunno, it just makes me bitter. I don't want to go to a shrink, I just don't. I like who I am and I don't want to be fixed.

We also argued about his family. I don't feel like getting into all that again, but ultimately I won that argument. So, I dunno. I haven't really talked to him today. I think I am gonna try calling him less, maybe a bit of a break will make things better. Maybe it will at least help me decide whether it's worth staying in this relationship or not.

Poor Mommy II

My mother officially has to go to trial for her divorce. In NY, there is no divorce based on irreconcilable differences or irretrievably broken marriages, so that means she has to prove adultery, abuse or abandonment. None of which she can really prove. Which means she will probably lose and won't be able to get a divorce. Isn't that insane? How can this be happening?? I don't know what happens then, they can't make her move back in with my father. So, I just don't know what happens. Maybe the current support order stays in place, so he will still have to pay for my sister. I hope so. But she will never have her freedom then. This is just awful. I wish he was dead. I wish he would get run over my something very heavy. Right now. I hate him more than I can even express.