An Empty Space

So, my cousin D is 19 and pregnant. Well, kinda. She is nine months along and yesterday thought she was in labor. Well, it turns out that the baby is dead. It died inside of her because the placenta separated and it was deprived of air for too long. I guess I shouldn’t say “it” I should say “he” so I don’t sound so cold…but truly I think life begins at birth and this is a body that never lived.

But still, the whole situation is heartbreaking. The worst part is that the baby is still inside of her. They induced labor last night but the baby isn’t coming out. They wont do a C-section because they say she “needs” to go through the labor because of hormones and enzymes, etc. I think it’s a bunch of bullshit. Healthy women with live babies have c-sections all the time and they manage. I think about how hard labor is and I wonder how anyone could muster the strength to deliver a corpse? Honestly, no matter what 24 hours of labor is a long time. I cant believe they wont do a C-section and I cant believe this isn’t some cruel sadistic rule made by men who believe that women “should” go through labor.

But the sickest thing of all is their plans for after the corpse comes out. They want D and her b/f (J) to hold the baby, bathe the baby, talk to it, even dress it if they want to. And they should spend as much time with it as they want….even if its 3 days!!!! They also said they should take pictures!! I’m sorry but that is fucking sick. The spirit that was meant for that body is long gone…maybe even found another body by now. What good can come from having them bond with this empty vessel? Who wants memories of playing house with a corpse? I can understand seeing it, saying goodbye, and even touching it. But beyond that is just morbid and awful. The nurses say that the baby’s parents “need” to do these things. How can they say that? Yeah I guess there are studies, but this seems like an intensely personal thing, not prone to statistical analysis. Plus, how on earth do they measure what helps? This is just all so sickening. But let me tell all of you – if this EVER happens to me, we are flying in Drs from everywhere until we find one who will do a C-section. And then I want them to take that empty shell away from me. No bathing or dressing. None of this “bonding” farce. Also, NO baby presents before the birth. I am staunchly against that. I never give gifts before the birth and I wont accept any. Are we clear? Good. Hopefully I am sterile and none of this matters tho! Shhhh!

To add to all of this, we still don’t know that D will be okay. They are worried about blood clots and they think this may require a hysterectomy. So, all in all this is just bad. And everyone feels worse because nobody wanted this baby in the 1st place, she got pregnant because her migraine medicine made her birth control ineffective. So there is a lot of guilt. Of course, in the long run, this is best. The baby didn’t come for a reason. It wasn’t ready, they weren’t ready – something was wrong. But still, this will be a horrible thing for D to live with and deal with. I wonder, if she doesn’t have a hysterectomy, will she ever get pregnant again? I don’t know if I could. Of course, I don’t know if I could in the first place. Anyway, I will be thinking about her a lot. I wonder so many things. This is just such an unbelievably horrible event….I don’t even know what else to say.