Monday, March 31, 2008

Learning New Things (slightly x-rated)

Since joining the asexual community, I have heard a lot of stories very similar to mine. I started to worry that I would not get any info to really "help" me, although finding others like me was still rewarding in itself. But I did learn one thing which, to me, is a pretty big deal.

I learned about oxytocin. This is a brain chemical that helps humans to bond. It is released in women during breast feeding & in both sexes during sexual arousal and orgasm. It seems undisputed that individuals have varying levels of this chemical. I think I have very little of it. This would explain why I see absolutely no connection between sex and intimacy, and it actually also explains why I feel anger instead. Furthermore, it explains why K doesn't feel that non-sexual physical contact is intimate...his body isn't producing oxytocin at those times, so he doesn't have that bonding instinct. Unfortunately, there is no way for me to increase my levels of oxytocin, but honestly I am not sure I would want to because it may change my personality in ways that would make me unable to be this good at my job. That would not be acceptable. But, it is interesting, and it explains some things that I had zero explanation for before.

I talked about this with K, and he wasn't NEARLY as excited as I was. I think it might be because there is no way to fix it. I asked him if he agreed that he feels more "bonding" during sexual experiences than non-sexual ones and he said yes. And I said, "well, do you see why that makes no sense to me?", his response was "I guess." I told him that, for me, we are never further from each other than when we have sex. I feel zero connection to him during sex, I don't like how he behaves and I try my hardest to remove myself (mentally) from the experience. But for him, it's the opposite. He feels close to me even though my mind is not there at all. And I guess it's primarily because of this chemical.

Unfortunately, this does make me see that if he started having sex with someone else, he may bond to them & lose his bond with me. But if it comes to that, it's just a risk we will have to take. I really still wish that he could learn to have sex in a different way...a less violent/aggressive way, but maybe it is too late in life for that. I still don't really understand how sex works, so maybe each person has a way to "get off" and if they do it some other way it won't work. I don't know. And I guess since I don't know any particular way that I would enjoy it I should just shut up, be his hole in the wall once a month, and let it be at that. I guess no matter how I feel, he will get his oxytocin, feel bonded, and that will solve the problem. We'll just have to wait & see.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Talking In Your Sleep

The other day K had to wake up at 3am to make a delivery at 4am. So, that night he went to sleep even earlier than me!!! At like 8pm or something. Sometime after that K's friend, L, called him. He told L he was already asleep & sooooo tired. But L continued to talk anyway. Several hours later, K woke up with the phone stuck to the side of his face. LOL He has no idea when he got off the the phone with L...so I can only imagine what her experience was like. At the very least she heard him snoring on the phone...but lots of times K has conversations with me in his sleep. I wouldn't be surprised if he said some really crazy stuff to her! She hasn't called him back since so we are simply left to wonder....what did K say to L in his sleep???

Friday, March 28, 2008

Dear Oregon Trail,

"Wanting a cigar" and "needing a shower" do not constitute "being sick."

Sincerely,
Everyone on Facebook

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Dear Black Men,

Please stop voting on American Idol. We all know u think the little asian girl is hot - but she sucks and she HAS to go.

Thanks,
The Rest of America

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I Found My Planet of Gonzos!!!

If you have seen Muppets from Space - you KNOW what I mean. If not - it is a movie about Gonzo realizing that he has no blood relatives - that he knows nobody that looks like him. Of course, the muppets are his family & he loves them. But he longs to find someone with blue fur, a long, crooked nose and an odd sense of humor. And then, he does. And it makes him feel so happy to know he is not alone in the universe - even if he is the only "weirdo" on this planet.

Well, thanks to an anonymous tip, I have found a whole world of weirdos just like me. I always thought that "asexual" meant a person with no sexual organs, or both kinds of organs, or some other physical deformity. I was wrong. Asexual = anti-sexual = CJ!!! And, thanks to www.apositive.org and the anonymous tip, I now know that I am not alone in the universe. I cannot even tell you how it feels to see people writing about EXACTLY how I feel. I can't take my eyes off these articles and posts. It is just the most wonderful feeling ever.

Sure, it doesn't solve all the problems of attempting to "couple" with a non-weirdo, but if Gonzo can fall in love with Camilla, I think CJ & K will be okay too. Hooray for me. *sigh*

Monday, March 24, 2008

Twisted Dreams

I got an Easter card from DB today, with a check for 20 bucks in it. Woohoo. The thing that really got to me is what he wrote inside the card: "I always dream of us at Daytona." Now, you all know that I have been VERY good about holding my tongue when it comes to my father. In almost two years I have not responded to a SINGLE thing he has said to me. But this almost pushed me over the edge. So, instead of making contact, I am gonna write an "open letter" to him here. Here it goes:

To: DB

Re: "Dreams of Us"

I received your Easter card and I wanted to tell you that I dream about "us" a lot too, but all my dreams are nightmares. Yeah, you were a good father until I was about 10 years old. We have good memories from the time when I had no mind of my own. But when I think of all the lies you have told me, of the horrible things you have done to my mother, and of all your betrayals, it makes me wish you were dead.

I cashed the check you sent me, even though I make twenty dollars when I sneeze, so I hardly need the money. I just don't want you to have it. Maybe I will give it my mother, or to a charity, or some stranger on the street. Or maybe I will just use it for a nice lunch with one of my friends. No matter what, I'm just glad to still be taking things from you when you are no longer able to take anything from me.

I hope you are sad and lonely in that big house all by yourself. I hope that your days are montonous and your nights are filled with regret. I hope you are jealous of my success and scared of your own future. I hope you won't live much longer, but that it feels like an eternity because of the misery.

So, go on "Dad", keep dreaming your dreams. Remember only the good times and forget all the terrible things you have done. I'll come see you when you're dead - just so I can spit in your coffin. Dream about that.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Two Gold Stars For K

I spent the weekend with K. I am soooo tired, so I won't write all about it. But, here are the highlights:

1. He gave me a brand new iPod for my birthday! Black, 80GB, video iPod! Yay!!!!!!!

2. On Saturday morning, while I was still sleeping he made me french toast and orange tea (in the tea kettle!)!!! So sweet.

3. We went to Friday's and shared the biggest & best Brownie Obsession we have EVER had and then got it for free!!!!

So, I am a happy little CJ tonight. Time for lots of sleep. Goodnight.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Busy Busy

Being 28 is EXHAUSTING!!! Well, not really. I have just been very busy at work the last 2 days...with all kinds of exciting stuff that I cannot yet reveal. But it appears that I may really go out with a bang!!!

K and I had a ten minute argument today...nothing big, but I think it has prompted him to schedule a visit. He says he may be here Friday. As usual, I'm not holding my breath. But I am interested to see what our next encounter will be like. After our last big argument, the status of our sexual relationship was left up in the air. In fact, it may very well be over. But I guess I will wait and see what happens - see what his perception of things is. It doesn't seem that he has gone elsewhere yet, so there is still room for negotiation. Like I said, we'll see.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Another Day, Another Documentary

Today, I watched Devil's Playground.

Did you know that Amish people in Florida play shuffleboard??? LOVE it. I didn't even know we had Amish people in Florida!!!

It's so strange to me that these people think that things like pride, creativity and individuality are bad things.

I watched this documentary hoping to understand how Amish kids go through Rumspringa - like how do they have places to live and money? I learned some of these things but I also have more questions. A lot of the kids still live at home with their parents...just without all the rules. But the doc said that most Amish kids have cell phones during Rumspringa - how do they charge them? One kid left a message on his parents' answering machine - how do they have one??? I didn't know that Amish people were allowed to work at factories and such - but they are, and they can start working at 13, so that is how they have money at 16. I still don't know how they learn to drive.

What's most sad to me is how these kids are like set up to fail. They are sent out into the world without any education, so that if they decide to stay, they will certainly struggle. They have no experience in dealing with the real world and peer pressure and just everyday society.

iHeart iGo

So last night my laptop's power cord began sparking. EEK! Last time this happened, no store carried a compatible cord, so I had to mail order a new one. This time I was thinking "maybe I will just buy a new laptop." I am in the midst of trying to get my new DSL to work, and I can't afford to be without a computer for 2 weeks. But - K to the rescue! He directed me to Radio Shack where they had the FABULOUS iGo universal laptop cord that ACTUALLY works on my obscure 5 year old laptop! WOOHOO!!!!!! Not only that, but when I got it home I discovered that I don't even have to stab the plastic package with a pair of scissors to open it! It just like, magically, popped open! I attached "Tip 3" to the beautiful new cord and voila!!!! I am back on my trusty old computer typing away. *Sigh*

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Birthday Goodies

Today is my birthday. I have received birthday wishes from Quiznos, Qdoba, Uno, Borders & Facebook. It's been a VERY corporate birthday.

I have also received tons of emails, comments, phone calls, cards & gifts from real people that I totally love. Thank you all sooooo much!

Today, JTW is taking me out to lunch & then I am having yummy desserts after work with oodles of people. Saturday I am going for a massage and that should round out the celebrations nicely! So, things are good. I am just ignoring the fact that I will be 30 in two years.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

EL-EE-IT!!!!

Spitzer. Sheesh. What the hell were you thinking??? I mean the sex is no big deal, so you got a hooker. Who cares? But the money!!!! Dude. Come on! Did you really think that wouldn't catch up with you at some point? Did you honestly think nobody would notice? And this isn't about you or your family or your reputation. It's about the State of New York, the Democratic Party, the whole freakin' country. For years New Yorkers watched you go after corrupt, right-wing big-wigs with their bails of money. Finally someone was going after the white collar criminals. Finally someone the little guys could call on. Like Batman with a law degree. But now, your career is over. Will you even be able to practice law privately??? I doubt it. And all of your victories are tainted now. People will always think of you as a hypocrite. It will make it so much harder to trust anyone who comes after you. This is just such a mess. I understand you wanted some sex. Maybe your wife is like me, maybe she was totally okay with you going elsewhere to get it, but why did you have to pay for it with tainted money??? Really, why pay for it at all??? Where is Monica Lewinsky when you really need her.....

Oh Spitz, the delusion of you will be greatly missed.

People You Can Count On

So, K had a delivery to make in our home town on Monday. He ended up having to stay there all day yesterday to get a new windshield because his was cracked. So, yesterday he was stuck in his truck all day with nowhere to go & nothing to eat. Not a single one of his friends would bring him food. (My mom offered but K was too chicken to call her & give her directions to where he was/an order of what food he wanted.)

I honestly cannot think of a single friend of mine that wouldn't drive 20 minutes to bring me food if I was hungry. Honestly, most of my friends would offer to go out to dinner or bring me to their homes and let me eat & shower & hang out. Barring something REALLY important that they were doing, I think I could 100% depend on each of them to bring me a damn sandwich! What the hell kind of friends does K have???? I mean seriously, it was just ridiculous.

So at about 5:30 yesterday he decided to un-hook from his trailer & drive the truck to get something to eat. This means that his job knows he was moving so it counts against his hours, plus it cost him a LOT of fuel & he had to find some place to park the big truck and get food. I mean, it's not the end of the world, but to think that nobody would drive 20 minutes to help him out - it's just insane. These are people he has known for at least a decade. What pieces of trash. And one of these people wants K to be in his wedding next year. I'd be like "Fuck you dude. You can't drive 20 mins for me & you want me to rent a tux & come 800 miles for your wedding?"

WTF.

Monday, March 10, 2008

25%

Yesterday I watched the movie Michael Clayton. In one scene there is significant ranting about billable hours and the character states that there are 8,760 hrs in a year. (actually 8,766 because each year is really 365.25 days, but I digress...) That means that I only have to spend 25% of my time working! Wonderful! I can handle that! I will probably spend another 25% of my time sleeping, but then HALF of my life is FREE!!!

Although, that also means that I have no idea what I do with about 50% of my time right now. I may have to work on that.

And to all my lawyer friends out there - do NOT burst this precious little bubble with your reality, ok? I choose blissful ignorance for the next 6 months.

Finally, in 3 days I will be 28. I wish that sounded special-er.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Weird People

I went to Quiznos for lunch. In front of me in line was a couple, about 60 years old I would guess. First of all they were like conjoined twins or something - constantly connected. The wife was sitting on the husbands lap and then when they got up to move forward in line he like keeps his hand on her constantly. It was obnoxious. Get a room, cut the cord, whatever. Then the wife orders two sandwiches and the husband orders one. The husband asks the wife why she ordered two sandwiches and she says "that one is for the dog!"

Wow.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Catching Up

So I FINALLY watched the movie Jesus Camp. Yeah, it's creepy, but not too surprising to me.

I guess the strangest thing to me was when the "preacher" tells the group to "Pray in tongues." Now, it's been a while since I was in church school, but I believe that "tongues" is just made up words - nonsense - that would come out of people who were posessed (either with good or evil spirits I suppose). Deciding to speak in tongues is like pretending to be crazy, no?

I think my favorite part in the movie was when the preacher asked God to keep Satan out of her power point presentation.

It's also disturbing to me that they encourage the kids to go up and talk to strangers like it's no big deal. If they think the world is so full of evil, shouldn't they be afraid of sending their kids out there like that?

Of course I could criticize just about everything in this movie, but I won't waste the time. It's definitely a must see documentary. If you haven't seen it yet, put it in your queue.

Friday, March 07, 2008

How well do I know me??

My latest pet peeve is security questions on websites. Recently both AT&T and Sprint have made me choose new security questions and answers. What I hate is the ridiculous question choices they give you.

What is your favorite movie? Who has an answer to that question??? Doesn't everyone have like a DOZEN favorite movies & it all depends on your mood?

What is the name of your 1st pet? Never had one, next.

What is your spouse's middle name? Not married.

Who was your favorite teacher? At which school? I've been to like 10!

Where you would like to travel to? Again, there is a list.

What is the last name of your childhood best friend? When I was how old? And her last name then or now?

Where did you meet your spouse? Even if I use K as my "spouse" what is the answer? Middle School? Or the name of the school? Or the town? The state? And in 2 years when I need to remember, how will I know what I was inspired to write today??

Even a simple question like "where were you born?" is not simple. Do I put Buffalo? Or New York? Or the name of the suburb? Or the hospital? The FULL name of the hospital? Or the common name?

I mean it's just ridiculous! So I just had to pick 5 answers to 5 questions that are completely random and irrelevant to my life. I will never remember the answers I chose. So I will inevitably be locked out of these accounts and then how will they know who I am when it happens? I think I am just doomed. Anybody else?

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Money Problems

Yesterday I posted an entry for about an hour. If you read it, you know it was a bad day. If not, be glad.

Today was a bit better for me. But worse for K. His problems are mostly financial, and mostly due to him doing too many things for too many people. It is so frustrating to listen to him complain about money and be stressed about losing a house that he barely even lives in. There are four other people living in that house full time. One of them is a little boy, so he is off the hook. But the other three could certainly pitch in a bit. He shouldn't be paying the utilities at ALL, but he is. The water got shut off again & the bill is $160. He still owes his property taxes and income taxes are due soon. Not to mention his mortgage ($1300/month) and his truck payments ($500/week). And of course, on top of all of this, diesel is almost $4/gallon now. Of course I feel bad for him, but I just want to scream at him that he could eliminate so many of his bills if he just took care of himself & let other people take care of themselves. In Charlotte, he could have a one bedroom apartment for like $500/month. No property taxes, minimal utilities, no mortgage insurance or homeowner's insurance. But, for some reason, he just can't see that. I guess he has a better heart than me. I look at his family and all I see is a bunch of freeloaders, but somehow he still loves them. He's not even bitter toward them. And he keeps inviting more people in. I just don't get it. Meanwhile, I just keep thinking how much easier his life will be when his mother dies. I guess he's right, I'm insensitive and cruel.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help him. So I'm gonna go to bed.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Lesson to my Co-Clerk

When ALL the phones in our suite ring at the EXACT same time it is, in all probability, the main line that is ringing.

Clearly, this is not something one learns while earning a B.A. in journalism or a law degree. Thank goodness I am here to help him out.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Anonymity

I'm watching that new show "quarterlife" on NBC. The underlying story is about a girl who creates a blog and gets herself in all this trouble for telling her friends' secrets to the world. Her blog is a video blog and she makes no attempt to hide who she is or who she is talking about. Clearly she missed Blogging 101.

I've had this blog for like 3 years or something and nobody has found out who I am unless I wanted them to. Only friends I've told about it know where it is. You can search my real name until you are blue in the face and never find it.

Outting yourself or your blog is fine, if you know you are gonna keep it clean. Some people do that very well, like wildernesse, for example. Other people out their blogs and then regret it cuz they can't talk about who or what the want to freely (I will keep my examples to myself on that one). Then there are Live Journal type people who can out themselves and then selectively lock entries so that they can control who reads what. LJ freaks me out in this sense. I have at least 2 friends with LJ and I often wonder if there are entries that I've been locked out of. Of course, there are ways to get around the LJ locks, even without hacking ability, so they are risky.

But no matter what you do on your blog, I think it's inexcusable to reveal other people without their permission, ya know? Using another person's real name or picture is a total blog faux pas. And pretty much everyone in the blogging world knows that. (Although I know at least 1 person in my law school class who learned it the hard way.) So, I'm not sure I'm gonna be able to really get into a show based on someone so stupid, ya know? Especially if her friends are gonna keep forgiving her for so blatantly exploiting them and revealing their secrets. It's just completely unreal.