Idol Rage

Last night's American Idol was so bad it actually depressed me. Of course, David Cook was awesome as always - I voted for him like 50 times last night! But everyone else was HORRIBLE. I swear to god I want to light Jason's dreadlocks on fire to get him off that stage!!! It was so bad that Paula even thought he had sang two songs when he had only done one!!! Granted, Paula was probably high - but I can relate to her. His songs seems to go on FOREVER!!!! I am sure a big problem last night was the theme - Neil Diamond??? Seriously??? Ugh. It was just awful. Hopefully the dreadlocks will be eliminated tonite! Keep your fingers crossed.

Exile

Okay, so I kinda got myself exiled from the planet of gonzos. Well, maybe not the planet - just one of the moons. And maybe I am not in exile so much as "on the run". But still. I started a bit of a war between the antisexual and sexual factions, with the asexuals being split down the middle. In the end, I don't think they TOTALLY hate me. But still, I won't be posting on AVEN anymore. (I think I am still welcome on Apositive, but that remains to be seen since today I think I was referred to as "Ignorant, irrational, dogmatic, hypersensitive to criticism, intolerant of disagreement, sure that [I am] blessed as the purest of them all." We shall see.)

However, the one good thing that has resulted from this attack on me has been a very good discussion between me and K. First of all, he was VERY upset about some of the things being said to me be the "sexuals", and I told him that he has said many similar things to me in the past. I think he realized I was right, so we started talking about the deep dark aspects of our sex life. I told him that I really do feel like our sex life is violent and abusive. That maybe the things he does & says are fine with some women, but they are not fine with me. The convo ended with a basic decision that we need to spend more time exploring what I can handle in bed and what I can't. He said when I just tell him things hurt he doesn't really know what that means, or how to make it better. Also, and I know this, I have to mention things as they happen. I tend to make a list during sex of all the things he does to make me mad & then fight about it later. I have to start speaking up for myself. As a follow up to the convo, I sent him an email explaining, among other things, that what hurts me emotionally is that his ideal sexual experience involves causing me pain. (Yes, I had previously posted the whole email, but after thinking about it, it was a bit too graphic for NAPG fame.)

He will be here on wednesday or thursday, so we will see what happens. I do feel kinda good about things though. Oh! And even before all of this, I bought him a present, which he will love, it's a ummm..."sleeve". So that when he doesn't have my "sleeve" and since he won't hire a "sleeve", he can have this one. He has always wanted one & dared me to buy it - he thought I would be too embarassed. Well, HA!! I did it. He will be SOOOOO surprised.

In Memoriam

We had ten great years together, but sadly, it is time to say goodbye to a dear old friend. We've traveled the east coast together - from New York to Florida to Georgia and back to Florida. We've had dinner together most every night. We've studied together, watched movies together. Through good times and bad you have been there for me. And then, about a year ago, tragedy struck. In a moment of spectacular Polak grace, I tripped and stepped on you. At first, the crack was small. We both shed a few tears, but we kept our heads held high and you fought through the pain. But alas, your injury did not heal. In fact, it worsened. And this weekend, we both had to admit - the time had come to put you to rest. In a few more weeks, you would surely split in two. So, my dear friend, you are gone but not forgotten. And though another may stand in your place, you will never truly be replaced. I will miss you always.

My Lap Desk
August, 1998 to April, 2008
You were always there for me when I needed a hard surface.

You Might Be An Asexual If....

1. You think thongs are more useful as slingshots
2. Best use of a condom = water balloon.
3. You think a prick is a minor injury.
4. While watching movies, you use the make-out scenes as perfect opportunities to get snacks (or go to the bathroom, or text message…)
5. You know what “ineffable” really means.
6. You think being “friends with benefits” means getting to borrow your buddy’s discount card.
7. You know one doesn’t have to be the loneliest number.
8. You have trouble assembling things because inserting Tab A into Slot B just seems like a weird idea…
9. When someone mentions “forking” you say you’d much rather spoon.
10. You think a “happy ending” massage is one in which you and your massage therapist walk into the sunset as the credits roll.
11. You think a “spanish fly” is an insect (Wait… if it’s not an insect, then what is it??)
12. You think spanking the monkey is animal abuse.
13. You see anything that vibrates as something that would feel SO good on the muscles after a hard day’s work.
14. You’re concerned that a roll in the hay might get you covered in deer ticks.
15. To you, sex is like slapstick comedy - funny, but not something you would want to experience firsthand!!

If you answered yes to any of these… well… you might be an asexual

A Great Friend

You know someone is a truly wonderful friend when she says that she is "excited" to hear how your next gyno appointment goes. LOL

A bit irrational, I know.

Ya know how there are some people that are so far under your skin that EVERY SINGLE thing they do annoys the fuck out of you??? Well, my co-worker Eric is one of those people. And today, he did something, and it annoyed me, and now I will tell you about it.

My boss was coming in late today, and everyone in our office, except for Eric, is completely caught up, so there is NOTHING for us to do. Literally. We don't even have anything to organize. So the "3 girls" in my office (me, AJ and TW) were sitting in TW's office chatting. Eric comes in, and sits down on one of the comfy chairs.

TW: "What are u doing?"
E: "Well, I was gonna take these CLE tapes down to Andy, but right now I am sitting down to tie my shoe. Does anyone know where Andy's office is?"
AJ: "I think by space and facilities."
E: "Huh?"
TW: "On the 2nd floor, with the clerk?"
E: "What?"
TW: "Not the main Clerk's office, but the ACTUAL Clerk. On the 2nd floor."
E: "Huh. I'll just go down to the 2nd floor and ask around."
Me: "There is a map of the building in your desk drawer."
E: "Nah, I'll just ask around. I'm also gonna go to the patio and check out the new grill."
AJ: "You gonna grill something?"
E: "Someday. I want to see if they have tongs & utensils, or if I have to bring them in."
Me: "They have them, they used them a week ago at the Spring Fling - remember?"
E: "Oh well, I may as well stop by & see for sure, see what they look like. Where is the boss anyway?"
Me: "He took the morning off, it's on the calendar."
E: "Oh, okay. Well I have to go to my car too to get the 3rd book for Andy."

Seriously, what a DUMB ASS. First of all, you are the ONLY one with work to do & you are taking an in-house field trip? Second, how hard is it to (a) look at a floor map & find the guy's office or (b) ask him where his office is before you go??? Third, why can't you tie your shoes in your own office instead of in the middle of our conversation?? And finally, seriously, just shut the fuck up!!!!

It took him about 30 minutes to accomplish his little tour of the building. Ironically, the boss got here before he came back, so he had to explain his little field trip to see the tongs. At least there is SOME justice in the world.

Bring the Funny

I have a lot of very funny friends. But when I really need someone to bring the funny, RD is one of the top 5 people I call on. The following email exchange, about deciding where to go for RD's "birthday lunch" on monday, demonstrates why (RD's emails are in blue).

I have to run to go to a meeting, but look forward to seeing you next week. I dont know about place, I will probably think up one long place and one quick place. Let me know what you hate. Talk to you soon.

___________________________________________________________

ooooook....if you say so:

People who don't use turn signals
Cops
Reggae music
The Religious Right/Creepy Christians
My father
Group projects
Eric
Grumpy people
Toilet humor
Porn
White cars
Smoking bans in bars
Segways

Should I keep going? Or is that enough for now??? (you didn't specify a word limit or anything....)

_________________________________________________________________

You kook.

Okay, based on your list, my birthday lunch will be at a Jamaican (reggae), Christian, doughnut-serving (Cops), internet cafe (porn), that caters to the disabled (Segways), has one-person tables (Eric), that is driving distance away from the courthouse (so we can see grumpy people, white cars, and people who don't use turn signals), and offers a team trivia competition during lunch (group projects). I also invited your dad to attend.

Adults are Absurd

I just saw a story on a local news show about a 4 year old boy with an orange mohawk who was pretty much expelled from his pre-school because his hair was a "distraction" to the other kids. How ridiculous is that??? First of all, it's pre-school, WTF are they being distracted from??? Second, what if his hair was NATURALLY orange??? I mean, there are people out there with "red hair" that is pretty damn close to orange. Third, if you can't have orange hair when you are four, when can you???

When I was 5 my mom let me get my hair colored blue. I wanted to be like Cyndi Lauper, and my mom thought that was totally fine. And it was. I was 5 years old, I didn't need a job, I wasn't trying to be taken seriously, it was really the PERFECT time in my life to have blue hair!

Not only did this kid get kicked out of pre-school, but his mom is being accused of being a "bad mother". Since when is it bad to let your child be an individual? I mean, the kid probably has cartoons on his underwear & t-shirts - is orange hair really THAT big of a deal??? (I should mention that the kid had the mohawk all year, but it didn't cause a problem until it was orange rather than blonde.)

I am trying to find a link to this ridiculous story...if I find one I will update.

Questionnaire for Heteros

Queers United: The Heterosexual Questionnaire
The Heterosexual Questionnaire was created back in 1972 to put heterosexual people in the shoes of a gay person for just a moment. Questions and assumptions made of Gays and Lesbians that are unfair, are reversed and this time asked to the straight people.

This is a fun survey, but also an activist survey. Please repost this to your email list, myspace bulletin, use it in a group setting, have fun with it but also let the point be made.

1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?

2. When and where did you decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible this is just a phase and you will out grow it?

4. Is it possible that your sexual orientation has stemmed from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?

5. Do your parents know you are straight? Do your friends know- how did they react?

6. If you have never slept with a person of the same sex, is it just possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

7. Why do you insist on flaunting your heterosexuality… can’t you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

8. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?

9. Why do heterosexuals try to recruit others into this lifestyle?

10. A disproportionate majority of child molesters are heterosexual… Do you consider it safe to expose children to heterosexual teachers?

11. Just what do men and women do in bed together? How can they truly know how to please each other, being so anatomically different?

12. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiraling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

13. How can you become a whole person if you limit yourself to compulsive, exclusive heterosexuality?

14. Considering the menace of overpopulation how could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual?

15. Could you trust a heterosexual therapist to be objective? Dont you feel that he or she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his orher leanings?

16. There seem to very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that might enable you to change if you really want to.

17. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?

Futureness

The other day I went to lunch with my friend, JW. She is in a long distance relationship as well, with T. Apparently, I have "Dear Abbey" tattooed on my forehead because she showed up with 3 things she needed my advice about. (Yes, I did consider charging her $100/hour, but I decided to treat it as charity & write it off on my taxes next year).

Anyway, her 1st question to me was "How are u so sure about you & K?" This question kind of shocked me, because it's only recently that I have become sure...but according to JW, it shows. It took me a bit to answer this question, but this is (essentially) what I finally came up with:

First of all, K and I have an unusual connection. I fell in love with him 16 years ago. And even though he didn't realize it at the time, I think he did too. I think a part of him connected to me in a way that made him jump when I contacted him after 8 years apart. So, I think our love is more mature than our mere 2 year relationship.

Second is the fact that I finally truly believe that he worships the ground I walk on. I used to think it was just corny, mushy crap that he said to get him laid. But now, I know it's true. I hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes. He doesn't want to live a day without me, and that is an amazing feeling.

Third is the fact that he has made the ultimate sacrifice for me. He has completely relearned how to express love and intimacy, and how to feel it. He threw out his preconceived notions that sex = intimacy. He has completely opened up to new concepts and feelings, and he did it just for me. It would have been a million times easier for him to just go find some other girl, or ignore my feelings completely, or keep pushing me to change. But he stopped himself, and really truly thought about us, our connection, and what makes our relationship special. And he realized that a million orgasms could never replace the feeling of this kind of love. That kind of sacrifice, that kind of respect, it makes me positive that I am making the right choice when I choose him.

K once said to me that I am the best friend he has ever had. That everything that happens everyday, he wants to call and tell me about. That he has never felt that close to anyone in his life -- never trusted anyone that much. I am his soft place to fall.

For me, I have a level of comfort with him that I have never had before. I know he never judges me, and that he is always proud of me. I know he will never blame me or get mad at me for things that aren't my fault. And I know that he will always take care of me when I am sick or sad, and will protect me when I am afraid. He is my knight in shining armor.

I know that things won't always be perfect. He will hurt me & I will hurt him. We will argue and get on each other's nerves. But I do really feel sure that he is my future.

Just Happy

It's rare that I put up a post which doesn't include me bitching about something. But this will be one of those posts.

I have no idea why I've been so happy the last few days - actually, it's a bit odd because I should be hormonal right now (I did cry in the grocery store on Sunday, but that was a momentary lapse to remind me I have ovaries).

Things with K have been so good for, really, the last two months. We really have not fought at all. Everyday he has something sweet to say to me. I have been spending a lot of time in the asexual forums lately (on AVEN and Apositive) and I have realized that, even though we have a lot of problems in that area, I am finally 100% confident that we love each other enough to get through it. A lot of people on the forums have partners who won't communicate, or can't imagine love without sex - but not me! K isn't perfect, but he has already made so many compromises and sacrifices for me and he never seems bitter about any of it. He has seen that an unconventional relationship can succeed. We can share our hearts without sharing a bed, and neither of us has to feel lonely or rejected.

Now, don't get me wrong - this isn't going to be a celibate relationship. Honestly, neither of us wants that. But we have taken a huge step in the right direction, and I think we both feel happier and lighter, there is more peacefulness and partnership between us. Things are just good.

Today is the 2nd anniversary of our 1st date and our 1st kiss...and the 1st time he kept me awake all night with his snoring!! LOL I really hope that every anniversary to come is as happy as this one, and I hope there are a lot of them.

3 Cents

So, this morning I made my usual starbucks run. The guy in front of me in line pays with a gift card and the following conversation b/w him and the cashier ensues:

Guy: Anything left on that card?
Cashier: Actually, you owe 3 cents.
*Guy puts hand in pocket - as if to retrieve the 3 cents*
Guy: Boy, talk about cutting it close.
*Guy walks away - without paying the 3 cents!!!!!*
Me: Did that guy not give you the three cents?
Cashier: It's ok, it's only 3 cents.
Me: Well, keep 3 cents of my change then, so your drawer isn't off.
Cashier: *laughs* Thanks.

Seriously dude???!!!! You can't scrounge up 3 little pennies??? What makes you think that you are entitled to pay LESS than your tab?? And to just walk away like that! What a freakin' douchebag.

Our Failing Education System

K's ex-g/f is a middle school English teacher. This is why it disturbs me that her away messages says "running arrends". For Christ's sake it's not even phonetic!!!!

Commercials Are My Life

Okay, so in the last 24 hours I have become unheathily obsessed with laughing to myself at the following lines from commercials:

"I like your verbs that are things. I think I’m going to sandwich after I sofa here for a little while."

"My shower has seen me naked. What is it telling my toaster?"

I hope you are laughing to yourself now too. Or, out loud, alone in your office, like I am.

Muppets In The Woods

Holy Crap!

A few weeks ago I found out that the 2009 superbowl will be in my soon-to-be-hometown of Tampa. Today I finally remembered to tell K. He was SOOOO excited. So I looked up ticket prices. $2500 each for the cheapest seats!!!! I am in total shock. Seriously, I am so out of touch with this whole football scene. The moral of this story? We'll wait to see if my firm gets tickets.

Bursting with Pride

Last night I spent a good two hours on the phone with my BFF playing "who has the more fucked up family." It's our favorite game, we play it all the time. Last night, she conceded that I won. That's pretty impressive considering I was up against incest! So, today I am walking with my head held a little higher, secure in the knowledge that my family is not just your average dysfunctional crowd. Rock on.

Termination

I won't blab all about this on here, especially since most of you know the story anyway, but one of the law clerks in my district was recently fired. It's really quite shocking. We all knew she wasn't "teacher's pet" or anything, but this was TOTALLY unexpected. So much so, that many people thought it was a (kinda sick) April Fool's joke. It wasn't.

I think those of us not in her (former) chambers are all a little more grateful for our jobs today. And the other people in that chambers are all a bit terrified. Can we say "20 minute lunch breaks for the next 12 months"???!!! I fear we may never see the poor souls again.

It's amazing all of the huge events that have happened here during my term. I have seen one judge pass away, and another take his place. I've seen us move into a brand new building. And now, I've seen a clerk get fired. I have about 5 months left...I wonder what will happen next....

Happy Birthday To K!!!

He is 28 today. He said he can "already feel the arthritis setting in."

His ex called him at 7am, he answered and immediately hung up on her. LOL