Winding Down

Well, I survived the weekend. The get together went well. The weekend had some intense ups and downs. It would have made good reality TV. We had huge loud fights in the middle of the night, he threatened to leave - empty threats though because he had no shoes and no wallet and no mode of transportation. But anyway, I am exhausted. To top it all off, the driver's side window on my car broke on my home from work today. So now I have to get that fixed - along with still getting my transmission flushed. Grrr. I am so tired! Plus, K will be back here tomorrow night probably - but I think just for the evening, not to sleep. Maybe I will just go see him for a bit. I don't think I can deal with him sleeping here another night. But we will see. I am gonna go get some sleep now. Maybe more details later.

Getting Through

So, K will be here on Friday. Yesterday I was so stressed that I cried on my way into work. It’s the usual stuff, but also that this time we are having a “get together” with my friends from work. This has me stressed to the max. Every time my mom brings it up I get sick to my stomach. I am worried about everything: What if nobody shows? How much food should I order? What should I order? Where do I get it from? What about drinks? Snacks? Dessert? Music? Will K behave himself? Will he even show up with decent clothes? Will he be rude to my friends? Will he get drunk? I know that most of these worries are nonsense, but I can’t help it. I think that this particular event is making me more nervous than usual because I feel the need to impress these people. They are all very good at hosting things, and they are generally higher class than K and I. I know they are used to me, and if they didn’t like that aspect of my personality they wouldn’t be my friends, but still it makes me nervous. I set the starting time at 7, which means I will start sweating by 6:45 worrying that nobody will show up. Then people will arrive “casually late” and make me more nervous. I tried hard to think of a way to make this less stressful - like having everyone meet out somewhere. But then I have to pick the place, and everyone has to spend money, and it’s hard to talk in a noisy public place. So, I decided that it would be no less stressful. Ugh. I will be glad when it is Sunday! LOL

Then, of course, there is just the normal stress of K’s weekend home. I am trying to be less freaked out, but it’s not really something I can control. We verged on a sex argument last night but he stopped it. I was glad about that. I haven’t been able to find my 15 minutes a day, so no relaxation exercises. I started looking for some meditation music, but it is very hard to find and not very cheap! Although, I guess the 20 bucks is worth it if it helps me. As always though, there is that part of me that doesn’t want to get better. I like who I am and I don’t want to change. Plus, I don’t necessarily want to find out that I cant get better. It’s like smoking: you always say “I could quit if I wanted” but then you try & find out you can’t and that is devastating - even though you didn’t really WANT to quit in the 1st place. It’s that confirmation that I have no control, or no choice, that is what I fear.

He says “You act like I wanna molest you or something.” and I said “You do.” and he says “No, molesting is against your will. I don’t want to force you to do anything.” But, yes he does. I mean, maybe he doesn’t want to beat me or put a gun to my head, but he knows I don’t want to do these things and he wants me to do them anyway. It’s no secret, I never lied. So what do you call that? Even if the ultimatum is not explicit, it’s implied: do this or else. I don’t want to know what the or else is. Best case scenario is it’s him leaving me. Worst case is violence. I don’t want to know. In the past, when I have tested the boundaries, I have always found out horrible things about men I wanted to love. I think I’d rather be ignorant. The other day I realized that I have never been in a relationship where I wasn’t cheated on. And only 1 where there wasn’t violence (and that was a LONG time ago). I guess I find those things to be inevitable...maybe I shouldn’t put them off. Maybe I should push all the limits now and see what happens. Rather than waiting until I’ve risked too much. Who knows. Here's to surviving the weekend.

Monkey Monkey Monkey!!!!

I drove 1170 miles between Thursday at 3 p.m. and Saturday at 11 p.m., and I got to spend two fabulous days with two fabulous monkeys! It was a great weekend. I drove 400 miles Thursday night and then got a hotel. Friday morning I drove the rest of the way to J’s new house. My car did something really strange on the way there and I got a bit nervous (it like half slipped into neutral on its own, so that the RPMs were high but I had no speed – on the interstate! No fun.), but it got better. I made it to J’s neighborhood without getting lost, which AMAZED me because it is so in the middle of nowhere! LOL I got there early, and she had work to do so I didn’t want to barge in. Instead I drove around to check the place out. Not bad, she has everything she could need around the corner. T@rget, St@rbucks, every food chain you can think of. So, you all know I felt right at home! I also found this adorable little park right down the street from her. I parked the car and took some pics. It was a very pretty park & would be a great place for a monkey adventure and picnic! Finally, it was time to see J. We had a fabulous day. Talked so much I almost lost my voice! She gave me the tour of her new house, we went to lunch, and I took lots of pics. She looks wonderful and seems so happy. Her house is very nice and they have done SO much work on it. New paint, floors, even countertops! Her hubby even built a room in the basement for the cats. The house was in pretty bad shape when they moved in – less than 2 months ago. I can’t believe how great it looks now! They are so brave to take all that on! I told J that it looks very classy, which apparently is what she was going for so that made her happy. I left her house at about 6:30, and held back tears as I hugged her goodbye.

Then, it was off to T’s graduation! I drove to my hotel, checked in & then decided to go back to my old hometown for some good food. Luckily, T wasn’t doing anything so her and her hubby, R, met me for a VERY late dinner! We laughed a lot and had a good time, it was great to see them again. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year! The next morning I woke up early, checked out of the hotel & went to the graduation. I got there early so I decided to grab some St@rbucks. I walked downtown, got myself an orange mocha (yum!) and a little snack, and as I walked out the door I missed the step and had my 1st fall of the day! LOL Luckily, no casualties. I spilled a bit of my drink, but not on me or my clothes. Phew. All in all I tripped 5 times that day, but didn’t do any damage. Par for the course in my life! The graduation was great. The weather was a little chilly in the morning but warmed up nicely. T looked gorgeous and I am so proud of her! I also got to see one of my favorite professors, 2 of my 4 mentees, and one of my great friends from law school. I sat with T’s family, and they were all so sweet and welcoming to me. It was great to meet her grandparents, aunts and cousins. They all came out for lunch afterwards – 25 people total! It was amazing to me to see such a big group of family together, at one table, and no fighting! We had a fabulous lunch, and T got some very nice presents. But it was all over too soon & time for me to go back home. I drove 8 hours straight home, and was exhausted when I got here. But it was worth it. I went straight to bed, but got up early today to run errands, do laundry, and work on my death penalty case. Now, I’m pretty tired again so I think I will go to bed early tonight!

But, I am so glad that I got to see 2 of my monkeys this weekend! I miss them so much, but it makes me feel better to see them happy and doing well. I am so proud of both of them! Now, it’s their turn to come to Florida!!!!!

Nightly Terrors

"Sleep is like a fever, and I’m glad when it ends...” ~ Ani Difranco

I’ve been having very turbulent dreams again recently. The last few days I have had to get up early & take showers because I wake up all sweaty. Last night I had a nightmare that my sis was transferring from her school in NYC back to the University that our father works at. I knew that she was only doing it because my father had pressured her into it, but I couldn’t change her mind. I was yelling at her and my father, but nothing would work. She said she was gonna live in the dorms with friends from high school. I was frantic because I knew she was ruining her life and I felt so powerless to stop it, it was awful.

The night before I dreamt that Andy (Rapist #2/Ex-roommate) was chasing me. No matter what I did I couldn’t shake him. Even after he fell and got all muddy he got up and kept chasing me. I was screaming and nobody would help - even though there were people there. He kept grabbing me & I would fight my way free, but not for long. The road we were on looked like the one Monkey lives off of in GA. That means there was a sidewalk but also a ditch and wilderness. So he would push me in the ditch & into the trees and I was getting all cut up.

And last weekend, I dreamt that it was my 45th birthday. I know, because I saw the date written down & it was 2025. The bad part of that dream was that it was like I had no memory of the intervening 18 years, and so one by one I found out sad things. Particularly that K and I were divorced, and that I had a son after our marriage. It was an awful feeling. I felt so much sadness for letting him down, I felt sure that the break up was my fault because I am so bad at this relationship thing. I felt that I had probably just got fed up and left him. And it broke my heart. I was sobbing when I woke up.

Usually I get bad dreams when I take pills to make me sleep, but I haven’t done that lately. I have no idea what the cause of this all is, but I wish it would stop. I had gone a few months without these kinds of horrible dreams, and it was really nice. Sometimes I hate my brain.

Prized Possessions

I'm sure you have all heard the story of the 4 year-old British girl who went missing from a resort in Portugal recently. The award for finding her is up to about $5 million, with J.K. Rowling as a major contributor. Hopefully, you all have also heard that the girl's parents left her sleeping in their resort apartment while they went to eat dinner. I heard one British reporter say that the parents are not being criticized publicly because they have criticized themselves enough. Well, I disagree. I am so sick of people keeping bettertrack of their cell phones than they do of their kids. And I am disgusted by the suggestion that the suffering of the parents is what matters. We have no idea where this girl is, and there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of kids just like her missing in this world. Most of them are probably dead, but some of them are still suffering. Some are kept by their abductors and raped and abused for months or even years. The regret and fear her parents feel now cannot even compare to what their daughter could be feeling - if she is feeling anything at all anymore. No, these parents have not suffered enough. They never will. Personally, I think they should be prosecuted. I don't think they should be able to keep their other kids without being supervised. How hard is it to watch your kids? If it is too much for you then you shouldn't have them. When you neglect your children, you are putting them at risk for unbelievable suffering. It's not about you, it's about them. I have no sympathy for these people. They are selfish, irresponsible morons, and they deserve what they are getting. Their daughter, however, does not. She is 4. Her parents should have been watching her. The kidnapper is not the only criminal here.

Missy & Me

I spent the last 4 days with my Missy! It was a fabulous time. We got very lucky with weather, and were able to do everything we set out to do with minimal complications. Our best day was Friday - Animal Kingdom & MGM, my two favorite places in the universe with one of my absolute favorite girls! Yay! We had a very good time, got to see lots of fabulous animals, rode all the best rides, ate at Rainforest Cafe, and finished the day off with Fantasmic - by far the best show in Disney World. And last night we went to a pretty neat little Tiki Bar on a lake about 45 minutes from my house, it was very nice. I wish K had been in town though, he would have really liked hanging out by the lake like that.

Anyhoo, so that's what has been going on in my world. Today is my official day of rest.

Customer Service

So, I have been dealing with one of the most horrendous lawyers I have ever encountered for the past 2 months or so. She is so stupid I can hardly believe she made it out of high school, much less college and law school. She is also incredibly unprofessional and very lucky that we have not sanctioned her yet. Today was the kicker. I actually had to talk to her on the phone!

She calls the clerk's office and demands to speak to "someone in chambers." So, they pawn her off on me. She's terribly upset because her motion for reconsideration was denied for 2 reasons: (1) her response to the motion was late and (2) said response was meritless and irrelevant. She wants me to explain reason #1 to her. I tell her "No, I cannot comment on the Judge's Orders." She says she doesn't want me to, she just wants me to tell her why her response was late. I said "Read the rules, read the orders, look at a calendar. I'm not sure what you want from me." She continues to argue with me. I'm thinking "What? Does she want me to teach her how to count?" I keep telling her that there is nothing more I can do for her, I cannot explain the rules or the orders. She is STILL arguing with me. Finally, I told her how completely inappropriate and unprofessional it was for an attorney to call chambers and ask a Judge's staff these kinds of questions. FINALLY she apologizes and hangs up. Honestly, my best advice to her is to go back to her law school, demand a refund, and start a new career. Although, preferrably not as a math teacher as she seems to have some problems with the counting.

No, I Don't Need A Shelter, Just A Padded Planet

So you know that classic line always attributed to domestic violence victims: "I walked into a door."? Well, I actually did. Well, a door frame. Twice. In one week. So I have bruises on BOTH of my shoulders that are sore to the touch. Most of you know that my Polish heritage has been quite a liability to me, as I hurt myself more than the average bear. But lately it is just ridiculous.

Like, I stub my toe at least once a day. I slam my fingers in desk drawers, I close my leg in the car door, I cut myself with my toothbrush, I burn myself when I cook, I hit my head on my drunk, I fall out of my shoes. The list could go on and on. I am truly a menace to myself. And there is virtually nothing I can do about it. In fact, being careful often leads to more injuries!

I really worry that someday K will have to drive me to an ER and tell a Dr. that I walked into a door and that is why I am unconscious and bleeding from the head. And who will believe that? He is a 260 pound black man and I am 130 pound white girl. He will be in handcuffs before I get an icepack! This could really be a catstrophe some day.

So, I am telling you all now, while I am of sound mind and body, if K ever calls any of you and asks you to take me to the ER, just do him the favor and comply. It will save us all some bail money in the end. Thank you.

Godlessness

A human rights committee in Maine will soon be hearing a case about a man who claims he was fired because he doesn't believe in god. Of course, I think this is atrocious. But of course, there are a whole bunch of crazies out there who think that this was a perfectly reasonable firing.

Last night on the radio a guy called in and said he was Jewish and felt that people who don't believe in a higher power should be fired because they can't be trusted. He said that if you don't have a higher power to answer to, then you have no motivation to be a good or honest person. He also claimed that when u go to court you have to swear on a bible, and if the bible doesn't mean anything to you then your word is worthless. This guy was absurd.

First of all, you do NOT have to swear on a bible in court anymore. You raise your right hand and "swear or affirm" to tell the truth. Second, how can this guy talk about religious motivation? Jews don't believe in Hell, or any kind of afterlife punishment - just an absence of reward. Jews are either good people & they are reborn when the messiah comes, or they are bad and they just stay dead. Personally, I'd rather not be disturbed! Anyway, I would understand a Catholic claiming you need punishment as motivation, but not a Jew. And finally, just because I don't believe in a god doesn't mean I don't believe in consequences for my actions. My motivations are in this life, not the next. And I don't have the unconditional forgiveness and saving of a god to redeem me. If I fuck up, I fuck up. End of story. I take the consequences as they come in this life. And those consequences motivate me to do good things and be honest. Plus, no god doesn't mean no spirituality. I believe in things like karma, and the unexplainable. And no matter what, belief in a god is certainly no guarantee of honesty. Plenty of people do evil in the name of a god, or even just inspite of their beliefs.

I know you all know this already, I just had to vent. It amazes me how ignorant some people are, and how hateful. The thought that I or my sister could one day be fired for our godlessness is unsettling. I know it's not legal, but just the idea that some people think it's rational. Grrr.

For Today: A Moment of Silence

One of the Magistrate Judges that works in my building passed away last night. He was only 52. The whole building feels heavy with sadness today. His clerks and assistant are in tears. It is awful news. He was an exceptionally nice man, and will be missed by everyone here. When I found out, this morning at about 10am, I felt frozen. He had surgery in June to remove a tumor on his pancreas. He chose to have a new, experimental surgery, that would require removal of only part of his pancreas and none of his intestine. Unfortunately, it seems that complications from this surgery are what caused his death. We all knew he was not well, but we never expected this. Everyone is in shock and feeling very useless. My friend B and I went downstairs to check on his staff, but there is nothing we can do to make them feel any better. One of his clerks was crying while staring into his office, which has an eerie feeling to it now. He sent his chambers an email at 7pm last night to tell them he was feeling better. By 2am he was gone. I can't imagine how they must feel. I went to lunch with my Judge today, we tried to talk about normal things, but you can't help but be destracted by the loss.

Hugs to everyone I love. I miss you all.