Eh

Hm, so I tried to watch Hx of Violence tonite...but the DVD is damaged. I could go trade it in...but too lazy. Oh well.

K is in our old hometown tonite. So is his ex. Yuck. He says he won't see her, doesn't want to, but what if? Even by accident? Yuck.

K's birthday is on Monday. He wanted to go out tonite & celebrate. But last time I talked to him he said he was too tired, and he didn't want to drink tonite. That is good because I worry about him drinking. So, hopefully he will stay in for the night and I won't have to worry.

So, I've been spending a lot of time searching the internet - for what, I'm not sure. I'm looking for advice I guess. Some magical person who feels the same way I do, and will make me feel better about it. Someone who will offer me an answer that I can't find on my own. Someone that will read my words, in all graphic detail, about how I really feel - no matter how crazy it sounds. It's ridiculous, all this searching. I have no technique, and I don't even know what I'm searching for. But, I guess it just makes me feel useful, until I have something else actually useful to do.

Movies

I've joined BB Online, so I've been watching a lot of movies, and so far they have all been really good. But my favorite find so far is Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang. I loved that movie. Dark comedy, but very funny. Val Kilmer as a gay PI is fab. And Robert Downey Jr. is great as well. I think I might buy it. This weekend I have "A History of Violence" - which my mom says was good but my friend R hated. I was torn about ordering it, but R and I often disagree on movies, so I figured I'd try it. I also have "The 25th Hour" starring Ed Norton. I love him. Don't know much about the movie, but I like all the movies I've ever seen him in & this plot looks interesting, so I'm gonna try it. Honestly, this BB Online thing is a damn good deal, altho I may not have time to watch this many movies once the fall comes back. Also, I should try to get out more. But so far, I think its worth the money. I took the $14.99/month plan.

Anyway, life has been rough this week, but I have decided to keep that to myself for now. Just b/w me and my journal and one very unfortunate co-worker of mine who was in the wrong place at the wrong time & got vented to. So, that's why I haven't written all week, and why this entry is so superficial. I will try to be more interesting in the future.

Alone In The Dark

I just watched the movie Night Listener. Loved it. You should watch it.

The premise of the movie is the extent people will go to escape loneliness. There are some of us who get lonely very easily, who need to be attended to all the time. People who can't live with their own thoughts, who aren't good company for themselves. I've never been that kind of person. Sure, I like attention, I am loud & inappropriate at times so that people notice me. But, even when I was a child, I always enjoyed my alone time. I like to be alone. To relax, to write, to watch TV or movies, I'm rarely bored when I'm alone. And rarely lonely. The only time I really felt lonely was when I was a teenager, and I think that was due to hormonal/biochemical malfunctions. I think my affinity for alone-time is one of the things that makes me bad at relationships - particularly romantic ones and roommate ones. I don't crave attention, so if you get in my way or bother me, I throw you away - I'd rather be alone than deal with others. Moreso now than ever, the threat of being "left alone" is not a threat to me. In fact, I really miss being alone, and I know I will miss living alone. Honestly, I'm not 100% sure I'll be able to give it up. Anyway, I guess I'm lucky in this way. I do remember how intense loneliness can be - from when I was ill, and I'm glad I found a cure. The people that inspired this movie never did. And in the end, it appears to have isolated them even more.

It's Their Party...

Today is the 4th anniversary of the beginning of the Iraq War. The CBS Morning Show announced this morning that the soldiers in Iraq would not be holding any big celebrations, because a large gathering of soldiers would be dangerous, as it would create an easy target. Hmmm. Good observation. But I have another idea: Maybe they won't be holding any celebrations because there is NOTHING TO CELEBRATE!!!!! I mean, in what twisted, perverted, fucked-up, ass-backwards version of events would soldiers in a war EVER celebrate the continuing of a war????? The end, that they will celebrate. But who the fuck celebrates the middle? Seriously, I think that Katie Couric brought over whatever stupid juice she's been drinking all these years and started adding it to the water coolers at CBS. They are getting dumber by the hour.

Cunt

Watch this response to Ann Coulter calling John Edwards a fag:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DW5PkawIFxg

Love it.

The Big Two-Seven

So, today is my birthday. And it was a pretty good day. I got lots of phone calls, visitors, e-cards, and myspace messages...along with some very sweet & thoughtful gifts. Once again, tons of reminders of what fabulous friends I have.

I was asked today what my dream was growing up. Truly, when I was young and I pictured myself grown-up, I pictured me living in my own apartment, decorated in black & purple, with long hair, and working as a lawyer. And, oddly enough, that dream has come true. The only difference is that I expected to be in a big city like New York, DC or Chicago - but that was before I realized how much I like the sun! It is absolutely amazing to me. I wonder how I got so lucky. And, sometimes, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My mom says that this is karma. I went through terrible things when I was younger, and now I am reaping the benefits of all that suffering and sadness. She says that I earned these things by powering through all of that and doing good things for other people along the way. I try very hard to believe that.

But then there is that part of me that has never believed I would live to see old age. I've always felt like someone who was meant to die at an early age, like there was some tragedy looming at the end of this tunnel. And for most of my life I was okay with that. I was never afraid of death, in fact for a lot of years, I welcomed it. But now, with so many good things happening, and so much in my future, it scares me. Yesterday I had to have a biopsy, and it really shook me. Literally, I was shaking uncontrollably all day. And today, I woke up and thought "It's my birthday - my last birthday." I know that's dramatic and highly unlikely, but it was just my 1st thought, and it scares me. I won't get the results of the tests until April 5th, it is going to be a VERY long 3 weeks. I wish I didn't have such a pessimistic feeling toward this, but it just scared me more than I expected. I felt like, this is the story you always hear. "She was living her dream" or "She was just beginning a promising career" and then her life was snuffed out by whatever. Murder, cancer, aneurysm. I don't want to be one of those girls. I want to keep going, to live my life for a long time. And I also worry, if this is bad news, what do I do next? I have to keep working, to keep my health insurance. But what if I'm still sick when this job ends? What firm will hire me if I have cancer? And I won't be able to get insurance again. So, if I am sick, if this is bad, it's best if I die rather than survive - because I won't be able to take care of myself. K says he will take care of me no matter what, but I don't want that. It's better to burn out than to fade away, and if I am sick I refuse to be taken care of. If I can't take care of myself, I will quietly slip away in the night...I will make the people who love me deal with any illness. So, if it is bad news, maybe this would be my last birthday. Maybe not. I know, I should just be happy and celebrate my birthday. But, the stresses of yesterday are still tugging at the back of my brain.

So, anyway, hopefully next year I will be writing about happier things - hopefully it will all be fine. For now, I will try to take comfort in the fact that, at the very least, I did make my dreams come true - and that's really all anyone can ask for.

What Is Love?

We had part of a sort of deep conversation today.

K: I love you deep down in my soul. I love you so much it upsets me.
M: Why does it upset u?
K: Cuz I know u don’t love me as much, you have all sorts of stipulations on your love
M: So you have no conditions on your love? You just love me no matter what I do?
K: Yes, I do.
M: So if I cheated on you, stole from you, told everyone your business, lied to you and gave you herpes, you’d still love me?
K: Yes
M: You’re so lying
K: No, I would
M: Why? Wouldn’t I be a completely different person then?
K: No
M: If I did all those things I would be completely different than the person I am now
K: But I would know that deep down you would still love me
M: Really?
K: Yeah, I know you would
M: Well, see I don’t know what to believe. Because once before u told me all of this stuff & said u still loved [your ex], but now u deny it all the time
K: Well, because when u say love you mean LOVE, I just love her as a friend
M: Oh, so one day u might love me as a friend?
K: No
M: Oh, so I’m different than [your ex]?
K: Yes, u are

The he got another call & said he would call me right back. By the time he did I had left to get my blood drawn so we couldn’t finish the conversation, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to say if he says he loves me b/c I’m kind, loving, sweet, etc. BUT he would still love me even if I was none of those things – then those aren’t really the reasons he loves me. so what does he love? This body? This name? It makes no sense. My “stipulation” is that u don’t treat me like shit – if u do, then u aren’t who I thought u were, and I was in love with an idea that didn’t exist – I cant guarantee that I will be in love with this new reality. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough, but its all I have. I love me more than I love him, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him, just that I cant give up everything that is me. Before the above conversation he said that he would die for me, and I would for him…but I wont let him kill me, that is not the same. He said he would go to prison for me – but would he stay out for me? Would he stay alive for me? Would he take care of his body for me? (he is trying to quit smoking again, but not very hard – plus he’s going home this weekend so I know how that goes.) Would he read 1500 words for me? (No) would he shut off the TV for me for more than 10 minutes? (No) What is his unconditional love worth if it doesn’t mean that he will make sacrifices for me? Not even tiny ones? I believe him that he feels love for me, I believe that he thinks about me and likes having me near him…but I don’t always know why. And even with all that love, that I don’t question, there are still so many issues. Sex, honesty, his ex, respect…I just don’t know. I try so hard to remember all the good stuff, all of the sweet things he does & says – but should I have to try so hard? Shouldn’t they be recent enuff that the memories are fresh? But I know that I am colder now than I used to be, after all these years and all the things that have happened, I have to be. I know I'm not romantic at all, and he is. I'm not very affectionate either. I just feel like all those things are silly. Love isn't about hugs & kisses, it's not about whispering sweet nothings in someone's ear. It's about making an effort to help someone when the need it, to make someone happy when they're not, to be their cheerleader and their back-up. It's about making the tough choices and the big sacrifices. And that's why I don't care about the little shit. I don't care nearly as much as I thought I would that he doesn't read my emails. I don't care who he has sex with, or who he talks to, or how often he comes to see me. I care that he's there for me when it's tough, and proud of me when I succeed. I care that he doesn't say anything about me when I'm gone that he wouldn't say to my face. I care that he doesn't lie to me. I give him as much love as I can, as much as I have. I guess if that's not good enough, that is his problem. He'll just have to decide how much it bothers him.

Don't Trust Anything That Bleeds For 5 Days & Doesn't Die...

Fourteen years ago yesterday I "became a woman." That's what they call it, I guess. I was 10 days shy of turning 13, and 7 months past my rape. I think, I was already a woman....and, yet, I had so far to go. I remember that day very clearly. I was in seventh grade and, at the end of the school day, as I was getting my stuff out of my blue locker in the D-wing, I felt something. I thought to myself "Am I bleeding?" But I didn't want to miss the bus, so I thought I would check when I got home. Believe it or not - I totally forgot about it. I probably got a phone call, did some homework and ate dinner. Then, as I was getting ready to take a shower I remembered and checked - I was actually pretty excited. I went downstairs to tell my mom, but she was watching Seinfeld. She was laughing so hard & telling me to hold on & watch what George was doing...she had NO idea! Finally, I was like "MOM!!! I got my period!" It was so funny. She jumped off the couch and hugged me, and said "Oh my god! I'm out of pads!!" LOL So, she ran upstairs, put her coat on over her nightgown and some shoes and told my dad she had to go to the store, and she was off! It was a pretty comical occurrence, to be honest. I mean, I didn't really NEED her to have told my father, but it was okay. He bought me earrings the next day and we all went out for dinner at Red Lobster to celebrate. It was right before my birthday so I had two celebrations in a row pretty much. It was cool. Little did I know that I would spend the majority of the rest of my life trying to bribr doctors to give me a hysterectomy! LOL So, anyway, in 10 days I will be twenty-seven...and most days I feel like a little girl playing dress up, pretending to be a grown-up and hoping I won't get caught!

Family Ties

Those of you who know me, know that I really only have one side to my family: my mother's side. On that side, I am the second oldest of seven cousins. However, a few years ago, I became one of eleven. This is because my uncle moved in with his girlfriend, and she has 4 kids. These kids have a father and families from both their biological parents, however, for some unknown reason, my grandparents decided to practically adopt them. In fact, my grandparents bonded with them more than they ever did with me or my sister. True, my sister and I have always been the black-sheep of the family - I always thought it was because of my father, but now I think it was because of my mom. The extra "cousins" have been strange additions to the family, mostly because they seem more a part of the family than I feel. But still, I welcomed them in open arms. But recently, the bitterness is increasing. First of all, at Christmas, my grandparents gave us each $50, we usually get $100. But this year, not only did they give money to the 4 new kids, but they gave money to the boyfriends of the two oldest girls! WTF? This is the boyfriend of your son's live-in girlfriend's daughter - how on EARTH does he rank with your own grandkids? I know this sounds greedy, but its more the principal of it. Then, last month, my mom tried to plan a celebration for my grandfather's 85th birthday. My uncle, however, said he was unable to participate because he couldn't afford to take all 6 kids out to dinner. Honestly, my mom intended this to be a grown-ups only event - a nice dinner at a nice restaurant. But my uncle put his girlfriend's kids over his own father. All the siblings were pissed. Today, however, was the last straw for my mom. She went to visit my grandparents and my grandmother informed her that she would no longer be giving birthday gifts to the grandkids with jobs. So, me, Keith, Jordan and Kate are out of luck. My grandmother said "also Danielle, because she has a job too." Well, Danielle is NOT a grandkid! She is one of the new ones! So, her 3 siblings will get gifts, but the four oldest REAL grandkids will not. The worst of all of this is Kate - her maternal grandfather just died last week and now her paternal grandparents are deserting her on her birthday. Although, she doesn't know it yet, she'll probably find out in August, just before she turns 24. Now, I know this all sounds petty and like we are spoiled whiny brats. And it's not that. Yes, I will miss the $50, but really it's just about more than that. Every year I get a card and a check from my grandparents and every year I call and thank them and tell them what I will use it for, but no more. And it just irks me that these three practical strangers are more important than I am to them. They'd rather hurt my mom and I, than those kids. Personally, I think your kids are always your kids - no matter how old they get. And same with your grandkids. It's one thing if they couldn't afford it, but that's not the case. It's just that they don't think of us as "the kids" anymore, and they think their obligation is done. And truly, they never had an obligation, and I'm sorry they felt like they did. But every year I lose more of my illusion of family, and every year it makes me wish I had lost it earlier.