Pain

I've decided to quit smoking - again. It's stopped being fun & started to make me feel like crap again. I guess I'm too old for this shit. My biggest worry is that if I stop smoking I'll start cutting myself again. I don't know why, but I think about it all the time. It's like being hungry, it's just a craving that I can't get away from. I think about the razors sitting idly in my toolbox, I think about where I could hide it that K wouldn't notice, I just can't get it out of my mind. And I think that if I don't have a smoke in my hand, I'll be more likely to put a razor in my hand. It's not the nicotine I'm addicted to, it's the habit. The having something to do with my hands - something to destract my mind. I don't know. All I know is that I need to stop smoking. I'll worry about the other vices as they come.

The Nights

Sometimes I feel like I’m conducting my own autopsy. Like I am tearing myself apart to look inside and see what went wrong – so I can be sure it doesn’t happen again. I pick at old scabs and rip open old wounds, not just to watch them bleed, but to dig deep inside of them. And what do I find? Nothing but old pain and bad memories. This exercise doesn’t seem to be making me any stronger. But I do it anyway. I read old poems & journal entries, listen to songs from my past, and talk about things best forgotten. I suppose I could ignore the past & the memories. When they come up I could stuff them back down again. I always promise myself I’m gonna do that – that this time will be different. I tell myself that I will be stronger, that I wont let things hurt so much, that I’m gonna be easy-going and laid back. But it never works. The drama weaves itself in and out of me and I cant be myself without it – I can’t breathe without it. So he says I need to relax, to trust him and get to know myself better. He says he’s gonna teach me not to be afraid, that I can do anything I want and nothing should hold me back. That it’s just me and him here and nothing else matters. And of course, I know deep down that he’s right. But when the pain is so real that the only way out is to slice myself open, when the reality is actually sitting in this room with me, good intentions are meaningless. I can’t see straight. I can’t make it out alive. And no amount of common sense or stability will change this. I am a victim of my own moral superiority. Late at night, when all I can see is darkness, when I find peace in every breath of smoke, when I put the space of this room between him and I, there is no way to escape the tragedy. No matter how far I dig down, no matter how much I break apart, no answers seem to come. As hard as I try I will never be alone, because the shadows of my past are welded to my soul. That is all there is.

6/27/05

Somewhere in this empire
His mind is unraveling
One string at a time
And he watches as the darkness
Creeps across his walls
Like an old movie
With love woven thru mindless chatter
In and out of clichés
And soapbox philosophy

Somewhere in this land
She smiles and laughs
As if there is nothing better to do
Than live in the fiction on the screen
She bides her time
Between appointments and get-togethers
And thinks of years to come

And someday soon to come
His tattered mind
Will find her lazy smile
And it will be both glorious
And gruesome
As they both become
Famous and infamous
In the same instant
When he touches her
It will be the last touch she ever feels
And the first thrill for him
Someday, somewhere
When this dangerous triangle
Comes together

Shoe Therapy

Pink Sandals: $6.00
White Sandals: $5.00
FL's tax holiday falling on the day after the bar exam: Priceless

Break

Yo Shaniqua. I love you. Call me.

And other such randomness....

Half Over.

Yeah, so I finished the "FL Portion" of the FL Bar today. I am forbidden from disclosing the substance of the questions, so I will be intentionally vague. I will say this though: the 2 topics I dreaded most were NOT on the exam!!! This was very exciting except for the fact that I spent SO much time cramming on those subjects that I forgot almost everything about all the other subjects that I knew back in May & June. Oh well, you win some...

I did decide one thing though: there should be some sort of Darwinian "weed out" process that begins as soon as you enter the convention center. Here are some examples:

1. We all received several emails telling us when to get there, what to bring, and what not to bring. If you show up late, forget to bring something, or show up with prohibited items - you automatically fail the bar and have to come back in February.

2. We have to stand in line to sign in. Each line is designated with a particular section of the alphabet. You find the sign indicating the section of the alphabet that your name is in & stand in that line. If you are too dumb to know either the alphabet or your last name & get all the way to the front before discovering you are in the wrong line - you fail the bar. A trap door will open below you and you will disappear.

3. You have been a member of the human race for at least 23 years. The bar exam consists of large group of people in a confined space for several hours. If you show up (a) without deodorant or (b) covered in obnoxious perfume or cologne - you fail the bar. The rest of us are allowed to set you on fire just to watch you burn.

I think provisions such as these would be beneficial to all of us. Those of us who have evolved to acceptable levels have fewer to compete with and those who will be grading exams will have less to do. I see this as a win-win situation. I think, if I pass the bar, I will propose these suggestions at the next meeting of bar examiners.

Crawling Out...

So, today is a little better. I'm in Tampa...already for the bar, well as ready as I can be I guess. I had dinner & some ice cream with a good friend, and that made me feel better. And K has been VERY nice today. So that makes me feel a little better. I am just SO freaking tired right now I can't hold my eyes open. I am also damn sweaty cuzz it is freakin' hot here! So, I am gonna shower & get in bed and CRASH!!! See u all on the other side of the bar...