On The Edge

Okay, so I've been having these thoughts lately that I'm not sure I can do this relationship thing long term. I hesitate to post this, but I almost can't help it...I need to share this now.

The thing is, I love K so much. You all know that. So I worry that I am wasting his time, and that I am faking too much. Sometimes I think about things - the endlessness of it all - and it makes me physically sick. I think "Can I really face having to have sex for the rest of my life? If we live together, will I have to face it everyday?" I think about having kids and it's disgusting to me. I think about whether I will have to leave Florida for him and sometimes it makes me so angry.

Other times, I'm fine with it. I see us together forever. I'm even okay with the idea of kids and moving to North Carolina. I know what firm I'd work for, and I think of what kind of home we would have, I think that we can always take vacations to Florida. And it's fine. But other times it's all just horrible to me.

I've been thinking that I need to be honest with him. To tell him that I may not be able to do these things. That there may come a day when I say that he has to make a choice. I feel like I should warn him. I'm not as afraid of breaking up as I used to be - but I do dread that feeling of that empty space beside you that you get when you break up with someone. Like all that time that you used to spend thinking about them suddenly comes flooding back and you don't know how to fill it. Plus, I hate the idea of having to tell everyone - of disappointing everyone who had high hopes of my becoming "normal." Sometimes I think that people aren't really happy that I have a boyfriend for me - but for themselves. Like, they're grateful that there is somebody else to deal with me or take care of me, and I would hate to show up and re-burden everyone again. For everyone to shrug their shoulders and sigh and think "ugh, here we go again."

But, I also think that there is no way - no matter what I said - that he would break up with me. When he is here, and he lets himself be vulnerable, I look in his eyes and see his desperation, I feel the fear in his touch - that he would do anything to keep me next to him. And I know it's true, deep in his soul, that he knows he's home when he's with me. But I also know him well enough to know that sometimes he acts without thinking, and that he is too stubborn to admit that. So I know that there is always the possibility that I will say something that will hurt him and he will tell me to leave, and then it will be over. And even if he wants me back or wants to forgive me, he may not be able to say it out loud. He may not be able to turn it around. And that is the thing I always have to remember. That we will always be on the edge. And that's why I am so careful, and why this is such a difficult decision. What do I say? When do I say it? And how?