Lately there has been a lot in the media about transgender people. Friday night 20/20 did a special on transgender kids; this morning on CBS they interviewed Renee Richards, a transgender tennis player; All My Children had a transgender character; and apparently a sports writer in LA has announced that he is becoming a woman. Anyone who really wants to know about the transgender experience should watch the documentary "Southern Comfort" - it is the best, and most heartbreaking, documentary I have ever seen. I own it, so if you know me I can lend it to you!
This may seem strange to some of you, but I have been asked by several people, on several ocassions in my life, if I ever thought I was transgender. People think that because I hate sex, I must hate my gender. But why on earth would anyone think I would want a penis? YUCK! I definitely do not. I can't imagine that. Certainly, I am not crazy about my girl parts...but I never wanted boy parts. I'd like to have my uterus removed so I don't have to worry about getting pregnant. I sometimes wish I could have my vagina sewn up so I can't be raped - but I could still be raped anally which could be worse, so I guess I'll keep the vagina. Most people who know me well have heard my favorite quote: "My cunt is built like a wound that won't heal." The first time I heard those words, on an Ani Difranco album, I was like "YES! That is exactly how I feel!" I've always hated that part of me, it has caused me nothing but problems, and it continues to.
I feel almost certain that it will kill me one day. That I will die from some form of female cancer or something related to that area of me. I feel like I've always been at war with my cunt. One of the parents on 20/20 said she saw her son in the shower once washing his hair and holding a washcloth over his penis because he hated it so much he didn't want to look at it. I've never felt like that. I look in the mirror and I am not offended by my body. But I still hate having a cunt. I hate the vulnerability, I hate the problems, I hate the responsibility. But no, I don't want to be a boy.
I think that there are all kinds of sexuality and gender identity. I don't know where I fall on the sexuality continuum. Probably at the very end of straight, on the cusp of gay. But I've always been fully on the female end of the gender identity continuum. I've always liked being a girl, wearing dresses, coloring my hair, dancing. I even played with dolls as a kid. So, I know that transgender kids are that way because of some kind of biological imbalance - because I know for sure that you can hate your parts, but still identify with your gender. These kids do not identify with their gender AND they hate their parts - because of that. I feel horrible for them, because of the difficulties they will face in being accepted and understood. And, even though I am not transgender, I kind of identify with them. I feel like I am of an alternative sexuality, because people don't understand me either. They are looking for an explanation all the time. It's so sad that society puts such a premium on sexuality and gender. That anything but plain old straight and comfortable with your gender is strange. As much as I hate the problems I have with my sexuality, I am at least grateful that my mental and emotional gender matches my body. So that only people who get to know me well ever know that I am unusual. At least I don't have to wear my abnormality on my sleeve, so to speak, even though I sometimes choose to.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
1 comment:
I can't believe you own Southern Comfort. If I'd known that, I would have borrowed it and watched it again!
Anyway, there was an article in the NYTimes the other month about people who have little children who identify as transgender (for now--they don't know enough about it to really know if this is their permanent understandings of themselves--for some apparently it isn't). Little children--like 5 years old--and how hard it is to have those choices respected in schools and even really for the parents understand that. It would be really hard for me to let my [potential future] son grow long girly hair and wear dresses when he was 5, even if that is what he wanted, you know?
I have never wanted to be a boy, either--except once when I was little and was annoyed at how much more inconvenient it is to pee outside as a girl. Now as an adult, I don't find that I need that skill as much as I thought I would when I was 7.
Oops. It's past 1am, and I am supposed to be going to bed so I am semi-well-rested for Evidence exam tomorrow. Wish me luck on being able to zip through my notes. And what parts of my outline I finished. Or you could save all your wishes for Weds, when I have Admin law for which I've only studied half a chapter or so. No motivation.
Post a Comment