CJ's Reasons Why Not

Almost as if the Universe is trying to tell me something...Oprah is about men abusing women today. Remember that episode I talked about with the girl whose b/f shot her in the face? Well, that's not the one that's on now, but it reminded me of that.

The most dangerous man in the world is the man you are sleeping with.

I needed to remind myself of that - before I take any more fatal steps backwards.

I need to remember that I never expected any of my boyfriends to hit me, and almost all of them did. I never expected any of them to cheat on me or lie to me or steal my money or talk shit about me and almost all of them did. I need to remember that it goes from "I love how smart you are." to "Fucking Bitch! You think you know everything!" with no real warning. And I need to remember that I wasn't successful in my own life until I got rid of the men in it. Just because he is protective of me now, doesn't mean he won't hurt me tomorrow. Just because he feels like being honest about one thing doesn't mean he will be honest about the rest.

I also have to remember how much I like the life I've created. I like living alone. I like that nobody else touches my stuff. That I can sit on the couch & drink a coke & watch Roseanne repeats with nobody bothering me. I like that I can take 5 showers a day and not have to explain myself. I like that I can take a nap for no reason or be lazy for no reason or be messy for no reason. I like that nobody else eats my food. I like not having to report to anyone or aks permission before I go somewhere or spend money on something. I like sleeping alone. I hate having other poeple in my bed. I hate listening to them breathe. I hate them taking the blankets. I hate them touching me when I am trying to sleep. I hate them waking me up in the morning.

Plus, I'm selfish. I hate being around people when they are sick. I don't want to take care of them, I just want them to stay away from me. I hate when people don't take care of their own bodies and then complain about the condition they're in. I refuse to compromise. I won't ever move for anyone. I won't ever leave Florida again. I won't move unless I want to change jobs. I won't have babies - not for anyone. I don't want anyone else to have their hands on my money. I want my own space and my own rules and my own things. I worked so hard to get everything that I have and I won't lose that for anything.

I need to remember these things. It's easier when they are in writing.