Saturday, April 29, 2006

Less of Me

I went to the Dr. the other day and found out that I lost 9 pounds in 7 weeks! I think that's a record for me! I am pretty happy about that.

Hopefully, I'll be able to keep going until I am tiny again! I'm not buying smaller clothes for a few more months. First, because I have no money and second, because I hope to lose more & have to buy even smaller clothes! So for now, my belts are just getting tighter!! And my pants are falling off my ass!

All I've been doing this week is studying and talking to K on the phone. I got to see him on Wednesday, which was a nice surprise. And I signed my lease and hooked up all my utilities for my new apartment...that made me very excited!! I've been doing a little bit of packing in the evenings. I can't wait to see my new place! But I'm still sad about leaving here & saying goodbye to all of my friends. But, I don't want to get into that or I will start to cry again!

So, here I go...back to studying! And of course, to the gym! Need to keep takin' off those pounds!

Monday, April 24, 2006

Last Day

Well, I thought that tomorrow would be my last day of school, but my class was cancelled, so today was my last day of law school classes EVER!!! How crazy is that? My 1st exam is a week from tomorrow...and my last exam is May 10th.

I can't believe it's so close to over. So much has happened in the last 3 years. I've learned so much, had so many amazing experiences, and made some fantastic friends. I feel like I should have some big, profound, life-lesson to attribute to the last three years. I guess if I had to pick one it would be: be yourself. People always say that but I always think they are talking about normal people. Like "be yourself if you are a socially acceptable person." Which I am not. I am loud and rude and immature and I have a vocabulary the size of an ant. So, when people used to tell me to be myself I would just laugh and think "that's cuzz u dont know me!"

But, the truth is, it works! Being myself is how I got all 3 of my jobs in law school. It's how I met my closest friends. It's how I won all the awards I did. It really works. Really. Even when you're white trash.

So, in a few weeks, I will embark on a whole new adventure. Hard to believe, huh? In just a few weeks this won't even be my home anymore. All my stuff will be moved to a new apartment in a new town and I will be shopping at a new walmart. My close friends will be far away and I will now have about 2 trillion people to maintain long distance friendships with...rather than just 1 trillion. Hopefully I will make new friends in my new town. Maybe they will like to watch movies and go to lunch with me. Maybe we will order pizzas and sit on the floor and giggle. Maybe they will rescue me when I have car trouble and make me feel better when I have PMS. Or maybe not. Who knows? But they probably won't have cute southern accents or farm licenses, or drink sweet tea, or say "fixin' to." And they probably won't let me call them "Monkey."

So, yeah, I guess I'm a little sad and a little scared. I mean, this has been a crazy emotional week. First K, visiting Missy, then my whole bonding with BM experience, then the new apartment, and then K again, and now the last day of classes....I am exhausted. But, I am also proud and excited and I can't wait to see what comes next.

So, here's to what's next...

Demons on Ice

I officially have a boyfriend.

This could be one of the signs of the apocalypse.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Road Trip!!

I'm in Raleigh! In my bedroom at my Missy's house!! Yay! She gave me the comfiest bed EVER and it has pretty pink blankets on it & I just love it!

I drove up here yesterday...it took a bit longer than usual because there was construction coming out of Georgia...but over all a successful trip! Despite warnings of bad weather, it was actually gorgeous the whole way. Only a few sprinkles just around Chapel Hill.

I spent pretty much the whole drive on the phone with K. It made me happy because our conversations are definitely getting more real...less superficial I guess. That makes me feel better. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love hearing him compliment me for hours on end...but after a while it's good to get real too. I think he was about to cross the ever looming bridge of "what exactly is going on here & what should we call it" but he got nervous & moved on & I clearly wasn't feeling anymore courageous. But, I think maybe tomorrow if he calls me on my way back home.

I spent the evening with BM. We had a really good time & a lot of really good conversation. He told me some things that I never knew, and that I would have liked to hear about 4 or 5 years ago...but, still it was nice to hear them now. He actually seems really supportive of this whole thing with K...which surprises me. But it's funny that he's kind of planning our future with K in it now. Like we have a new member of our family or something. It's cute & I love him for it. And, after last night I feel a lot safer about all of this. I feel more like, no matter what happens with K, I will have BM to help me deal with it. And, if he got me thru dealing with Z and A and KT and everything in between, then he can get me thru anything, right? Well, anyway, we are gonna go to a movie tonight. So, one last date before I leave & I'm happy about that. I forget how much I miss him until I see him. I think that feeling is mutual. I wish he would move to Florida....

Anyway, I just wanted to update everyone on my travels. I will be back home tomorrow afternoon. Have a good weekend!!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

CJ's Reasons Why Not

Almost as if the Universe is trying to tell me something...Oprah is about men abusing women today. Remember that episode I talked about with the girl whose b/f shot her in the face? Well, that's not the one that's on now, but it reminded me of that.

The most dangerous man in the world is the man you are sleeping with.

I needed to remind myself of that - before I take any more fatal steps backwards.

I need to remember that I never expected any of my boyfriends to hit me, and almost all of them did. I never expected any of them to cheat on me or lie to me or steal my money or talk shit about me and almost all of them did. I need to remember that it goes from "I love how smart you are." to "Fucking Bitch! You think you know everything!" with no real warning. And I need to remember that I wasn't successful in my own life until I got rid of the men in it. Just because he is protective of me now, doesn't mean he won't hurt me tomorrow. Just because he feels like being honest about one thing doesn't mean he will be honest about the rest.

I also have to remember how much I like the life I've created. I like living alone. I like that nobody else touches my stuff. That I can sit on the couch & drink a coke & watch Roseanne repeats with nobody bothering me. I like that I can take 5 showers a day and not have to explain myself. I like that I can take a nap for no reason or be lazy for no reason or be messy for no reason. I like that nobody else eats my food. I like not having to report to anyone or aks permission before I go somewhere or spend money on something. I like sleeping alone. I hate having other poeple in my bed. I hate listening to them breathe. I hate them taking the blankets. I hate them touching me when I am trying to sleep. I hate them waking me up in the morning.

Plus, I'm selfish. I hate being around people when they are sick. I don't want to take care of them, I just want them to stay away from me. I hate when people don't take care of their own bodies and then complain about the condition they're in. I refuse to compromise. I won't ever move for anyone. I won't ever leave Florida again. I won't move unless I want to change jobs. I won't have babies - not for anyone. I don't want anyone else to have their hands on my money. I want my own space and my own rules and my own things. I worked so hard to get everything that I have and I won't lose that for anything.

I need to remember these things. It's easier when they are in writing.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

I'm Spent

You never realize quite how many close friends you have until something interesting happens in your life and you lose your voice from telling the same story 4 million times in 48 hours.

I love you all so much!

Next time I am renting a lecture hall & having an assembly....until then, watch for my sign language please! ;-)

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Headlines

BM dumped his g/f.

I kissed a boy.

No joke. Does this make me a prophet? (Albeit a with a slightly skewed view)

I got up at 7:30am, walked 3 and a half miles and I still don't have my head completely straight.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

The Morning After

I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. But in a good way?

Friday, April 14, 2006

They call it dope for a reason....

I don't consider myself a naive person. I know that I'm not the smartest person in the world... and there are a lot of things that confound me, but as far as street smarts, I consider myself a full-fledged member of reality. Clearly, however, there are many things right under my nose that I am totally missing!

Today I found out about a drug epidemic going on at my law school. Apparently, a large number of 2Ls, and quite a few 3Ls, have been regularly taking a drug used to treat ADHD to help them study (no, it's not Ritalin). It is a drug I have never heard of before, and a problem I never imagined was going on all around me. I know I have classmates that drink a LOT, and I know some of them smoke weed, but this just never crossed my mind.

Apparently the students using this drug say that it helps them when they are outlining & studying to stay awake & focus. But, of course, the drug is not good for you if you aren't supposed to be taking it. It can mess up your brain & your heart. And I guess what is amazing to me is that any of my classmates think law school grades are worth damaging their bodies for, ya know? I guess 1st year I can understand it. The pressure is really high and some people get really scared, but still? As 2Ls and 3Ls? And really, at what point in even your 1st year of studying do you decide that taking drugs might help? I realize this is a "legal" drug, but it's still not something they are getting from a Doctor....and if they are it's not legit. Now, I'm sure that some of my classmates DO have ADD/ADHD and take similar drugs for good reasons - that is totally fine by me. But beyond that, I am just astonished. What is this? Professional baseball??

Then it got us wondering (me and the other 4 gunners who were shocked by this revelation) who exactly is taking these drugs? I mean, we pretty much know who is at the top of the class. So it must be some of them, right? Because how dumb would it be to take drugs if they didn't put you at the top! Well, I mean it's dumb anyway, but there are levels of dumbness. Then we find out that 1 of the side effects is weight loss....so that's my alibi!! Haha. But that meant we started thinking about who has lost a lot of weight in the last 3 years. There is one girl that I know was on ADHD meds & lost weight, but I presumed she was taking them because she has ADHD & her Doctor gave them to her. Maybe not! You just can't be sure of anything anymore....

But, if anyone reading this is in school, whether college or law school or medical school, just know that it's not worth it! No grade is worth the condition of you heart!! You only get one heart! Even as a person who really wanted to be at the top of the class, I would NEVER have used drugs to get there. How can you even be proud of that? I honestly wonder if it's just a way to compensate for all the drinking they do through the semester. Like they have to cram at the end of the semester because they were drunk all the rest of the time, or they use the pills to get over their hangovers more quickly? I don't know. But the answer is to STOP DRINKING!!! Not to add more poison to your life! It's just so ridiculous. I am so totally appalled and just flaming mad! I really wish I knew who was using this drug to study - so I could yell at them.

Man, remember the days when drugs were for fun???

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Us v. Them

Today in one of my classes we were discussing the relationship between race and crime. Well, actually we were talking about sentencing disparities among the races. Why are there so many black people in prison? Why are they there longer than white people? My answer is two-fold: poverty and racism. Although I suppose we could blame the poverty on racism...but that's a whole chicken-egg thing that I won't get into here.

Anyway, the discussion lead to a conversation about why society sees Black men as more dangerous or criminal, etc. There were some statistics indicating that if you show people a news story about a crime and don't show them any pictures 60% of the people will think they did see a picture & 70% of those people will think the picture they saw was of a black person.

One person in the class suggested that the perception of black people as violent comes from Rap music, which talks about violence and Rap artists, who participate in violence (because, ya know, 2 rappers were shot in the 90s). The theory being that the majority of successful & public Black people are rappers & so that is all we see of the Black community.

So, my question is this: In general, people are disproportionately afraid of serial killers & pedophiles. Both of these types of criminals are overwhelmingly likely to be white males. So why aren't people afraid of white men? People are afraid of black men because they rap about guns, but we aren't afraid of white men who cut people into little pieces and put them in their refrigerators?? Doesn't make sense, does it? Or, did anyone ever think about where the term "wifebeater" comes from? It comes from the fact that when fat, hairy, drunk, white rednecks are pulled out of their trailers & arrested on COPS for beating their wives, they are wearing their undershirts!! So why aren't we afraid of rednecks in undershirts??? (Well, I am, but I mean the world in general.)

Seriously folks, white men are WAY crazier than black men. Think about the most famous psychpaths & sociopaths, including terrorists, that you can remember....they are almost ALL white!! Not to mention that the most hideous & deadly crimes plaguing our society are committed by white-collar criminals (which I define as criminals with white-collar jobs, so a poor little old lady committing social security fraud from her apartment in the projects doesn't count). And white-collar criminals are also almost always white men! So this whole "we only hear about black criminals" theory is crap.

The truth is, people are afraid of anyone who is different from them. And aside from gender, skin color is most obvious difference 2 people can have. We can't necessarily determine a person's religion, interests, hobbies, income, family history, or even ethnicity at 1st glance. But we sure can tell race. We are constantly searching to define things as Us v. Them. And the easiest way to distinguish Us v. Them is by skin color. So, there's a robber on the loose? He's a criminal. Criminals are bad. We are good. He can't be one of us. He must be one of them - and they are black. See, it's not the media or the past or experiences. It's laziness. We are too lazy to discover the right things to fear or hate. So we simply make the easiest delineations. Fortunately, there is an easy answer to this, one that I have adopted long ago. That answer: Be more lazy. Hate everyone equally. It saves a lot of time.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Just FYI...

I am currently on display as the overweight corpse at the Atlanta Civic Center.

On My Birthday

Okay, so this is pretty cool & I got it from Jocelyn! Go to Wikipedia & search for your birthday without the year & then post 3 cool things that happened that day, 2 people that died, and one person that was born !! It was really hard to pick out the 3 events because lots of cool stuff happened on my birthday...but I picked 3 that had the most connection to me!

Events:
1925: Scopes Trial: A law in Tennessee prohibits the teaching of evolution.
1964: A young woman, Kitty Genovese is murdered in front of multiple witnesses who all fail to help her, in an incident which shocks the world and prompts investigation into the Bystander effect.
1993: The Great Blizzard of 1993 strikes the eastern U.S., bringing record snowfall and other severe weather all the way from Cuba to Québec.


Deaths:
1906: Susan B. Anthony, American women's suffrage activist (b. 1820)
1938: Clarence Darrow, American attorney (b. 1857)

Births:
2: Apollonius of Tyana

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Family Matters

Many of you know that my cousins are in a band, and that I can't stand them. My sister just told me about an interview my cousin did for a british magazine. What a loser!

Apparently his lyrics are all about drinking, fighting, and having sex with hookers. So he started the interview by claiming that he has only had sex with 5 girls and they were all his girlfriends. Well, I counted, he hasn't had 5 girlfriends. And the only reason he says that is because to admit to more sex than that would be admitting he cheated on one of those (three) girlfriends. But I mean, really, who the hell lies and says they've had less sex than they's had? Just shut up about it! Nobody really cares anyway. But that's not what made me mad. I don't care that he talks about sex or drugs or booze or fighting...he's a fucking loser and an addict, and he has a weak character, but we all know that anyway.

What really bothered me was him talking about his sister. She is 21 and is SEVERELY handicapped. She can't feed herself, talk, walk, or even hold her head up really. So he is talking about her and the fact that she has a computer which will speak for her at the push of a button and he says that her favorite button to push is the one that says his name "So I know that she is proud of what we're doing." WTF???? Yeah, I'm sure that's what it means. Assuming she knows what you are doing (touring the world & screaming into a microphone about drugs, booze, fighting, and hookers) why would she be proud??? Have u done anything even remotely humanitarian in the last ten years? Are you donating money to medical research or promoting awareness of her illness? Are you doing good political work or fighting for the rights of the repressed? Are you helping the poor? The sick? Children? ANYBODY????? Are you even making money to take care of your sister? Saving up so that when your parents die she will be taken care of? Yeah, I didn't think so.

I really wonder if he is so delusional and so full of himself that he actually thinks he is doing good things for this world. I'm not saying that everyone who works in a non-humanitarian field is a waste of skin...of course not. But he could be in a band & still do some kind of charitable work. And I am ashamed to see that he has a platform to speak to people & he is totally wasting it. His father was kicked out of NHS for wearing a flag on his ass in the sixties - he was a protestor, an activist. Grow the fuck up. You are 26 years old. This world needs activists & volunteers. Almost all the rest of the cousins do at least some kind of public service on a regular basis. But the two brothers who have an actual platform use it to talk about drugs & hookers. I am disgusted to be related to them.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Six Hours

Every Monday I have 6 hours in the middle of the day between my 2nd class and my 3rd class. And every week, at 4pm I wonder what in the hell happened to those 6 hours!?! Well, today I had some fun with them! 1st I went to the mall because I had to buy a gift for my "boss" since this is the last week of my clinic. While I was there I bought three fabulous pairs of shoes!!! Literally, it took me less time to pick them out than it took me to pay for them! They are adorable!

Then I went to lunch with 3 good friends from school. I had a fantastic grilled chicken wrap! It was spicy and had rice & southwest ranch. YUM! Plus, the company was great. And I got to tell them all about my new shoes!

After that it was off to Walmart! I had to pick up pictures and buy some bottled water. The pictures were great! They were from J's wedding & the 3 Day....yeah, I know, they are old! Give me a break, okay?

After Walmart I stopped back home to freshen up a bit! It was HOT out today so I was a bit sweaty! So I deoderized and washed my face, etc. Then I checked my mail and WOOHOO!!! My tax return came today! I don't care what anyone says about adjusting your witholdings & putting that money in savings...I love getting those damn checks once a year!! So, I drove by the bank & deposited the money! Then it was off to school.

I got here with an hour left before class so I uploaded the pictures I just developed but I won't send them out right away cuzz I just sent out a set of pictures this morning & I don't want it to be overwhelming!!!

So, it was a prett good 6 hours! Still some things I forgot to do, and doesn't seem like much for all that time, but I feel pretty satisfied!

Oh! BTW! Thanks to everyone who was a good sport for my little April Fool's joke!! It was so much fun, wasn't it?? ;-)