Choosing A Path

Last nite, K was so cute. He was talking about the next time I visit and asking me what I want to do. It’s a month away, but he’s already planning what he’s gonna cook for me. I love it. He asked me if I wanted to visit my friend A while I’m down there, said he would take me if I wanted to go see her. Which isn’t a huge deal, but it’s just nice of him to ask. He was just being very sweet last night. Actually, he hasn’t had the best of weeks. On Thursday he was very sad for some reason. Then all weekend he was driving in that bad weather in the Midwest. Then on Monday night he was just pissy & yesterday a little bit too. But last night was much better. And I think tonight will be good too, he just called me & he seemed okay. Anyway, so last week he mentioned several times that he was looking at engagement rings online…I never know what to say to that, so I always make sarcastic comments like “For who?” or “Why? Did u run out of things to spend money on?” But the truth is, it makes me feel warm & fuzzy when he says that.

But, you know, I still wonder if it’s the right thing to do. I get so nervous about the practicalities of it all. Actually sharing a home with someone. Having to pay bills with someone. And I worry about what happens if I want to leave someday. Am I going to go thru what my mom is going thru? And what if I make more money than him? I have to worry about losing my income and all of that. I mean, I know that we will probably have a pre-nup, so I may not have to worry about that too much…but it still scares me. It scares me that he will become evil like my father. That I wont be able to be free. Plus, I’ve been having a lot of jealousy issues lately. That is REALLY weird for me, and it doesn’t feel good. Sometimes I think its ridiculous, I know how much he loves me. But I can’t help but notice that there are a few girls who seem to be paying him a bit too much attention. And I know that its just silly, that he doesn’t even have time to cheat if he wanted to. And that he spends way to much time & money on me for someone who doesn’t really want me. But then I also know that, sexually, I’m a total drag, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried, but really I just wish that he could be more like other guys and just take out his sex on me and then leave me alone, and that is that. I know I should appreciate the fact that he wants me involved and he doesn’t want me in pain – but I don’t appreciate it, I’m just annoyed by it. Mostly because he thinks that something will change someday & I know it wont. And I am fine with that, but because he’s not it becomes an issue. And now its something I have to deal with. I started faking it a bit more, thinking that if I make it gradual then he’ll think things are getting better. But inevitably, he asks me a question. And as much as I don’t mind faking it, I cant lie to his face. When he asks me if I’m in pain, I cant say no…I just say “I’m fine.” And he knows what that means. So there we are – back where we started. So, he doesn’t believe that anything is getting better. He’s just still perplexed as to how I feel. I guess a lot of people are, but to me, there is just no other way to feel.

Then I got scared the other day. I finally realized that if I do this, if I marry him, I wont ever have my old life back. Up until now, its sort of just felt like a hiatus or something. I always felt like I’d be back. The truth is, with or without K, my old life is over. I’m done with school, so that style of living wont return. And, aside from that and the time I spend on the phone, on airplanes, and at truck stops, things haven’t really changed all that much. Still, I miss it somehow. I miss the way I felt carefree at the end of the day…nothing to think about except school. I’d just come home, watch TV & relax. No waiting for phone calls, or worrying about him on the road. I didn’t worry about money like I do now…although I guess I can’t blame that on him. Aside from plane tix and gifts, he doesn’t cost me anything. I dunno, I guess its mostly in principle that I worry about my “old life.” Like on Mad About You when Jamie saw the toaster. Korey and I watched that episode together recently (if you don't know, it's too long to explain) and he asked me if that’s how I felt. At the time I laughed and said no, not at all. But I guess the other day, I finally saw the toaster – and it was a bit scary.

But, in truth, I think that he would make a good partner. I think that as long as I treat him good, he will do the same. I think he loves me so much that he scares himself sometimes. I think that all he really wants is to come home to me, to lie down next to me at night, and to have me there to talk to when he needs me. I really think that he just wants to share his life with me. All the kindnesses, I truly believe they are real. And I also believe that in his eyes, the whole world is black & white, and I am in color. I feel that when he looks at me. I never thought he’d notice me, and now I think he can’t look away. And if I could just put aside the crazy, and hold on to those things, I think we will be okay. If I can just remember that he wants to protect me – not hurt me. If I can just remember that there are good men out there, I know because I’m friends with some of them, and that K is one of them too. I may need to have these things tattooed on me.