Losing My Religion

Warning: The following post is a bit, um, personal and may be icky for boys to read.

For most of my adult life I've been known as the girl who hates sex. I was anti-sexual from age 21 to 26, and before and after that, even if I was having sex it wasn't for fun. There are many reasons for this. The 1st is the traumatic way in which I was introduced to sex. The 2nd is that it is very painful for me and never enjoyable. The 3rd is that I am prone to UTIs after sex - also very painful and not enjoyable. The 4th is all the risks - diseases, pregnancy, etc. I'm sure I could think of more reasons but those are good for now. Truly, these things have sort of defined me. My philosophy on men, sex and love are well known, and something that people have come to expect. Truly, my relationship has changed very little about this part of me - except maybe that I am less vocal about it. But I still consider myself an independent women, and I know that any moment this relationship could end, and I'm okay with that. I still think that most of my married friends married the wrong people - excluding Tiffany, and maybe J. And most importantly I still consider myself the woman that any of my girls could runaway to if they needed out of their relationships. I will always be here to protect my girls from any man whenever they need it, so that none of my friends ever stay with a bad guy just because they have nowhere else to go. And, most importantly, I still hate sex. These are the things that define me.

So, I am a little unnerved right now. Last month I went to my gyno to make sure - once again - that my painful sex wasn't caused by some physical condition. She sent me to get an ultrasound & see a urologist. I did both those things this week. And the diagnosis is: vulvodynia. Huh? Yeah, I know. Basically its one of those conditions defined by its symptoms. It's not caused by an infection or anything, its just pain. But at least its not unheard of. The treatment for this is Zoloft. Not because they think its psychsomatic, just because, for some reason, Zoloft works. I guess it has to do with relaxing muscles and reducing inflamation. I dunno. But, as a side effect, it should help me emotionally. The problem is - now I'm afraid of getting better. What will sex be like if it doesn't hurt? What if I can't feel anything? Honestly, I don't think I will ever "like" sex, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be easy. I don't know why. I mean, pain is bad. I know that. I'm not a masochist, I don't enjoy the pain. It's just what I'm used to. I just don't know what to expect if this actually works. I know this is terrible. It's like I want to suffer, like some kind of martyr complex, trust me I get that. And I'm embarrassed to feel this way. It's just that, well, honestly until K, I really thought sex was supposed to hurt - ya know? Big thing in small opening, I expect that to be painful. (However, by the reaction of all these doctors to how much pain I'm in, I now know this level of pain is not normal.) I guess its not that I don't believe that any woman likes sex, I just don't think they enjoy the actual act of intercourse. Maybe they like the foreplay, maybe they like the way the guys treats them afterwards, maybe it makes them feel good that they turn someone on - but I really never believed that any woman felt good simply because she had some guy inside her movin' around. It just seems silly to me. And, like I said, I don't think that I'm gonna start liking sex now. But I just don't know what to do with the idea of not hating it.

Of course, this may not work. Things may be the same. I won't know until we try I guess. But I think, for his sake and for the sake of the relationship, I will tell him it worked no matter what. I will just fake it, because me being in pain just bothers him too much. And, it doesn't bother me all that much, I'm used to it. So, I'd rather pretend that I'm not in pain than suffer through the attempts to fix something that isn't really a big deal. Plus, I doubt that this will fix all of the emotional stuff that goes along with it. I mean, the lack of physical pain may make me less emotional, but I doubt it will get rid of all of it. So, I think it will still be difficult and unpleasant for me. But the truth is, the goal was to fix things for him, not for me. I don't care all that much. So, at least now, if nothing else, I have a placebo for him. Whether this works or not, I can make him believe it works, and that will reduce my stress significantly.