Red Light District

I noticed the most ridiculous sign on my way to work today. It said "No right on red when children are present." WTF? Is a right on red like pornographic material or something? I would really like someone to tell me what exactly this sign prohibits.

1st of all, does that mean if I have a kid in my car, I can't make a right on red? Or if the guy next to me has a kid in his car? Or if there is a schoolbus behind me? How close do the children have to be? If there is a kid asleep in his bed in the house on the corner, am I guilty? Is this a strict liability sign, or would I have to know about the child? Of course, it says "children" so maybe if only one child is "present" I'm safe. But I also wonder what qualifies as a child? Minors? Does that mean a 17 year old can never make a right on red at that corner, because he will be a child who is present? Well, maybe since it says children and not child, he could make the turn as long as he was alone - but if his girlfriend is in the car then he's in trouble! What a ridiculous sign! Obviously, I know the point is that they don't want you making a right on red when kids are standing there waiting for the bus, or walking to school, or whatever. But seriously, does nobody think about enforcement issues when the make these rules? A sign indicating certain times of the day would be better - those kinds of signs, by the way, are all over the place. Honestly, it made me want to make a right on red in the hopes that I would get a ticket, just so I could point out how stupid the damn sign is.

Losing My Religion

Warning: The following post is a bit, um, personal and may be icky for boys to read.

For most of my adult life I've been known as the girl who hates sex. I was anti-sexual from age 21 to 26, and before and after that, even if I was having sex it wasn't for fun. There are many reasons for this. The 1st is the traumatic way in which I was introduced to sex. The 2nd is that it is very painful for me and never enjoyable. The 3rd is that I am prone to UTIs after sex - also very painful and not enjoyable. The 4th is all the risks - diseases, pregnancy, etc. I'm sure I could think of more reasons but those are good for now. Truly, these things have sort of defined me. My philosophy on men, sex and love are well known, and something that people have come to expect. Truly, my relationship has changed very little about this part of me - except maybe that I am less vocal about it. But I still consider myself an independent women, and I know that any moment this relationship could end, and I'm okay with that. I still think that most of my married friends married the wrong people - excluding Tiffany, and maybe J. And most importantly I still consider myself the woman that any of my girls could runaway to if they needed out of their relationships. I will always be here to protect my girls from any man whenever they need it, so that none of my friends ever stay with a bad guy just because they have nowhere else to go. And, most importantly, I still hate sex. These are the things that define me.

So, I am a little unnerved right now. Last month I went to my gyno to make sure - once again - that my painful sex wasn't caused by some physical condition. She sent me to get an ultrasound & see a urologist. I did both those things this week. And the diagnosis is: vulvodynia. Huh? Yeah, I know. Basically its one of those conditions defined by its symptoms. It's not caused by an infection or anything, its just pain. But at least its not unheard of. The treatment for this is Zoloft. Not because they think its psychsomatic, just because, for some reason, Zoloft works. I guess it has to do with relaxing muscles and reducing inflamation. I dunno. But, as a side effect, it should help me emotionally. The problem is - now I'm afraid of getting better. What will sex be like if it doesn't hurt? What if I can't feel anything? Honestly, I don't think I will ever "like" sex, but I'm not sure I'm ready for it to be easy. I don't know why. I mean, pain is bad. I know that. I'm not a masochist, I don't enjoy the pain. It's just what I'm used to. I just don't know what to expect if this actually works. I know this is terrible. It's like I want to suffer, like some kind of martyr complex, trust me I get that. And I'm embarrassed to feel this way. It's just that, well, honestly until K, I really thought sex was supposed to hurt - ya know? Big thing in small opening, I expect that to be painful. (However, by the reaction of all these doctors to how much pain I'm in, I now know this level of pain is not normal.) I guess its not that I don't believe that any woman likes sex, I just don't think they enjoy the actual act of intercourse. Maybe they like the foreplay, maybe they like the way the guys treats them afterwards, maybe it makes them feel good that they turn someone on - but I really never believed that any woman felt good simply because she had some guy inside her movin' around. It just seems silly to me. And, like I said, I don't think that I'm gonna start liking sex now. But I just don't know what to do with the idea of not hating it.

Of course, this may not work. Things may be the same. I won't know until we try I guess. But I think, for his sake and for the sake of the relationship, I will tell him it worked no matter what. I will just fake it, because me being in pain just bothers him too much. And, it doesn't bother me all that much, I'm used to it. So, I'd rather pretend that I'm not in pain than suffer through the attempts to fix something that isn't really a big deal. Plus, I doubt that this will fix all of the emotional stuff that goes along with it. I mean, the lack of physical pain may make me less emotional, but I doubt it will get rid of all of it. So, I think it will still be difficult and unpleasant for me. But the truth is, the goal was to fix things for him, not for me. I don't care all that much. So, at least now, if nothing else, I have a placebo for him. Whether this works or not, I can make him believe it works, and that will reduce my stress significantly.

Brand New Righteous Babe!

I forgot to post this, but saturday morning Ani Difranco (for whom my blog is named) had her baby! She had a girl! I am so relieved! The baby's name is Petah Lucia...eh, I'm not wild about that. But still, very happy that it was a girl & that everything seems to be fine! Can't wait for some pics! Yay!

Crime & Punishment

There is a criminal trial going on in my courtroom today, and I am listening over the intercom. I never pay FULL attention, it's sort of just background noise. This trial is about crack. Honestly, if I was a juror, I would have busted out laughing at the prosecutor's opening statement. It sounded so ridiculous. This guy is on trial because he had a ciggarette pack with crack in it & some items in his house with a "white powdery substance" on them, that turned out to be cocaine. That's all. For that, he is charged with conspiracy & possession with intent. And there is a sentence enhancement because he had more than 5 grams of crack & because he has previous felonies, so he is a career offender. But, honestly, the fact that undercover cops were paid to seek this guy out & arrest him, and that we are spending money on a 4 day trial for these small crimes is actually funny. Now, it's not funny that this guy will likely get convicted & spend the rest of his life in prison. That is terrible. But, from a philosophical, removed point of view, the whole thing is so absurd you have to laugh. Especially because the prosecutor is SO dramatic about it. Like he has uncovered some complex and highly dangerous scheme and he is telling everyone about it around a camp fire. Seriously, get over yourself. With so much going on in the world, how can any of these jurors take this seriously? Maybe they are just comatose.

In other miscarriages of justice, another man in Georgia has been exonerated by DNA evidence. His name is Willie "Pete" Williams and he has been in prison over 21 years for 2 rapes he didn't commit. In fact, the 2 rapes he was convicted of were part of a series of 5 rapes, three of whch were committed while Williams was in jail. Good job Georgia prosecutors, you really came through on that one. Most prosecutors don't even attempt breaking down the "I was incarcerated" defense. But not in Georgia, they drive their pick-up trucks right through it, hootin' and hollerin' all the way. There is a video clip of this story on www.cnn.com/LAW in case you are interested.

The List Part 1

So, Tiffany gave me a link to this list of questions that couples should ask of each other before they get married. Pretty much, K and I have tackled them all at some point or another. See, most of those questions I know from Dr. Phil, so I've been tactfully working them into conversations for the last few months. It's easier than pulling out the list and going full force ahead with the commitment quiz, ya know? So....here are some of the things on the list!

1. Will we have kids? If so, who will be the primary caregiver? Well, we haven't decided on kids yet, and we both know that. He wants them, but he wants me more. I hate the idea of being pg but I recognize that my instincts may change, and I'm willing to consider it for him. Also, we are both on board with adoption - although he would want to adopt a new baby, and I would rather adopt an older child who isn't "marketable" anymore. He's agreed that we can do one of each if it comes to that. Most likely, he will be the primary caregiver, because of my job. But we are both willing to change it up if it makes financial sense.

2. Do we have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations and goals, and do our ideas about spending & saving mesh? Definitely. We spend our money a bit differently, but we are both bargain shoppers big time. We don't want a huge house, but decent size. I know he has to take care of his mom, and I'm okay with that. Plus, she gets her own money from his dad's pension, social security and other sources. So, his only obligation is a place for her to live, and that's fine.

3. How will the household be maintained & who will do the chores? Yes. I never cook for him, and we split the cleaning stuff. We each do our own laundry, and clean up the dishes together. He will probably do most of the vacuuming, because he is anal about that. As long as he's on the road, I will clean before he comes home & he will clean before he leaves - that's how we do it now & it works well.

4. Have we fully disclosed our mental & physical health histories? Yes, sometimes in too much detail!!! ;-)

5. Is my partner affectionate to the degree I expect? From my POV the answer is definitely yes. I know he wishes for more sex, but he is willing to work on this. So I think, for now, we both are getting what we expect, and both working on the future.

Yeah, so that's five for now...the top third. I feel pretty good about all of those things. There are ten more questions...they will be Parts II and III. This is more of an exercise for me, than anything else...I'm sure you are all sick of my relationship. But, I appreciate anyone who still stops by to read & check in! I promise to be more interesting soon!!! LOL

Choosing A Path

Last nite, K was so cute. He was talking about the next time I visit and asking me what I want to do. It’s a month away, but he’s already planning what he’s gonna cook for me. I love it. He asked me if I wanted to visit my friend A while I’m down there, said he would take me if I wanted to go see her. Which isn’t a huge deal, but it’s just nice of him to ask. He was just being very sweet last night. Actually, he hasn’t had the best of weeks. On Thursday he was very sad for some reason. Then all weekend he was driving in that bad weather in the Midwest. Then on Monday night he was just pissy & yesterday a little bit too. But last night was much better. And I think tonight will be good too, he just called me & he seemed okay. Anyway, so last week he mentioned several times that he was looking at engagement rings online…I never know what to say to that, so I always make sarcastic comments like “For who?” or “Why? Did u run out of things to spend money on?” But the truth is, it makes me feel warm & fuzzy when he says that.

But, you know, I still wonder if it’s the right thing to do. I get so nervous about the practicalities of it all. Actually sharing a home with someone. Having to pay bills with someone. And I worry about what happens if I want to leave someday. Am I going to go thru what my mom is going thru? And what if I make more money than him? I have to worry about losing my income and all of that. I mean, I know that we will probably have a pre-nup, so I may not have to worry about that too much…but it still scares me. It scares me that he will become evil like my father. That I wont be able to be free. Plus, I’ve been having a lot of jealousy issues lately. That is REALLY weird for me, and it doesn’t feel good. Sometimes I think its ridiculous, I know how much he loves me. But I can’t help but notice that there are a few girls who seem to be paying him a bit too much attention. And I know that its just silly, that he doesn’t even have time to cheat if he wanted to. And that he spends way to much time & money on me for someone who doesn’t really want me. But then I also know that, sexually, I’m a total drag, and there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve tried, but really I just wish that he could be more like other guys and just take out his sex on me and then leave me alone, and that is that. I know I should appreciate the fact that he wants me involved and he doesn’t want me in pain – but I don’t appreciate it, I’m just annoyed by it. Mostly because he thinks that something will change someday & I know it wont. And I am fine with that, but because he’s not it becomes an issue. And now its something I have to deal with. I started faking it a bit more, thinking that if I make it gradual then he’ll think things are getting better. But inevitably, he asks me a question. And as much as I don’t mind faking it, I cant lie to his face. When he asks me if I’m in pain, I cant say no…I just say “I’m fine.” And he knows what that means. So there we are – back where we started. So, he doesn’t believe that anything is getting better. He’s just still perplexed as to how I feel. I guess a lot of people are, but to me, there is just no other way to feel.

Then I got scared the other day. I finally realized that if I do this, if I marry him, I wont ever have my old life back. Up until now, its sort of just felt like a hiatus or something. I always felt like I’d be back. The truth is, with or without K, my old life is over. I’m done with school, so that style of living wont return. And, aside from that and the time I spend on the phone, on airplanes, and at truck stops, things haven’t really changed all that much. Still, I miss it somehow. I miss the way I felt carefree at the end of the day…nothing to think about except school. I’d just come home, watch TV & relax. No waiting for phone calls, or worrying about him on the road. I didn’t worry about money like I do now…although I guess I can’t blame that on him. Aside from plane tix and gifts, he doesn’t cost me anything. I dunno, I guess its mostly in principle that I worry about my “old life.” Like on Mad About You when Jamie saw the toaster. Korey and I watched that episode together recently (if you don't know, it's too long to explain) and he asked me if that’s how I felt. At the time I laughed and said no, not at all. But I guess the other day, I finally saw the toaster – and it was a bit scary.

But, in truth, I think that he would make a good partner. I think that as long as I treat him good, he will do the same. I think he loves me so much that he scares himself sometimes. I think that all he really wants is to come home to me, to lie down next to me at night, and to have me there to talk to when he needs me. I really think that he just wants to share his life with me. All the kindnesses, I truly believe they are real. And I also believe that in his eyes, the whole world is black & white, and I am in color. I feel that when he looks at me. I never thought he’d notice me, and now I think he can’t look away. And if I could just put aside the crazy, and hold on to those things, I think we will be okay. If I can just remember that he wants to protect me – not hurt me. If I can just remember that there are good men out there, I know because I’m friends with some of them, and that K is one of them too. I may need to have these things tattooed on me.

Idle Hands

So, I am criminally bored at work. Nothing to do, again. Probably nothing until the 16th. So, I've been playing on the internet - mostly myspace. And in my extra time, I had a fight with K.

Maybe I over-reacted, but really he just hurt my feelings, and then when I told him he was upsetting me, he thought that was funny, and that makes me even more upset. Like, not only is what I'm saying invalid, but what I'm feeling is also invalid. I tried to get off the phone with him before it escalated but he wouldn't. By the time I got off the phone I was holding back tears - still am. He told me to call him back when I'm "over my attitude." I hate when he says that too, like I'm a kid with an attitude problem. It's so strange because nobody else in my life ever treats me like I'm dumb. Most of my friends think I'm pretty smart (at least I think they do), and I rarely get into these ridiculous arguments. But with K, it happens a lot. And I know that sometimes he gets defensive because my education intimidates him. So, sometimes I pretend to be more uninformed than I am so that he doesn't feel so bad. Or sometimes I just point out things related to the topic that I genuinely don't know, so he can teach me. But I always make an extra effort to not make him feel stupid. Yet, for some reason, he has no problem doing it to me. And the worst part is that it's usually with regard to things that I have NO doubt about, things that I know for sure. And that is extra aggravating. And it's just so disrespectful. At least I feel like it is. Of course, he gets spastic when I say he's disrespecting me - because he says that he never tries to do that. But, maybe that's not what you intended, but that is how I FEEL. So, can't you just get that I feel that way and apologize for mistakenly making me feel that way? So, after a bit of debate, he did apologize - but just to shut me up. And I said "Ok, fine then." But then he still told me to call him back, which I hate. So how long do I wait to call him back? Until I'm done being angry? That may not be until tomorrow. I guess I will call him when I get home from work. But, honestly, I still feel like crying. So, I may just call him and say that I'm sorry we argued, but I'm too sad to talk and he can call me later if he feels like it. Put the ball back in his court. Usually when we argue he's the one who calls back, and it's usually not long and everything is fine then. I don't know how men do that: fight and then just move on without really finishing the argument. I've always admired and envied that quality in them. Like men in politics can argue and scream and yell at each other and then go out for a beer and talk about other things. I can't do that. I hold a grudge. If we have a fight, I need to finish the fight, I need to win the fight, or else I can't be civil again. Maybe this is another sign that I should not ever get married. Who knows. I guess I'll find out at 5:30ish if I am even still in a relationship at all.

Switch.

So, here we are: 2007. I was looking back at my posts from last January...boy have things changed in a year!

I must say that I am pretty proud of myself though. Last January I said I wasn't making any resolutions, just a few plans. Two of those plans were to work out more & eat better. Both of those thing I accomplished! As most of you know, I started going to a nutritionist, and got my eating habits on track. By May, in time for graduation, I had reached my goal weight of 130. And, even though I've been slacking a bit since I started working in August, I am still only at 132, which I think is pretty good! In fact, when I went "home" for Xmas, my friends told me that I look like I did in high school. Now, I know that's a lie, because in high school I was under 120, but still it was nice to hear. I think a lot of it is because my hair is so long, and it hasn't been this way since then. Still, though, good things to hear.

The 3rd thing I wanted to do in 2006 was to spend as much time with my Monkeys as possible before I moved. I think I did a pretty good job with that one too! I know we all probably wish we had more time for adventures, but we did manage to fit in lots of lunches, and a few dinners! So, we did good. I wish they were here tho! I still miss them lots!

So, what do I want for 2007? I'm not sure. I feel like I should say "to get married by the end of the year" but I'm not really feelin' that right now. I mean, not that I don't want to marry K, just that if it doesn't happen this year, it's okay. In fact, if it doesn't happen ever, that is okay too. We talked about it when he was here, he said that we should wait until the end of the year. I said whatever, we'll see. There is so much going on! He also said he wants to build our house somewhere in Pineville, NC or some other town nearby (I think Ballentine?). That is okay with me. But I'm also not in a rush to leave O-town. I really love it here, so I'm not gonna push the marriage thing. If he wants me up there, we have to be married. But if we aren't married, I'm fine with the way things are now - finally.

So, I guess this year, all I want is to be happier. I'd like to make more "me" time and get back to some of the things I miss about myself. I need to make time to catch up on the news and world events, to read, and even just to watch TV again.

Second, I want to get a regular work-out schedule going, and re-start my food journal.

Third, I want to spend more time with my friends...either visiting them or on the phone. It seems that there are so many people to keep up with! So, I try to make regular contact with everyone but it's not easy.

Finally, by the end of the year I want to have an idea of what my next job will be. In September I will apply for appellate clerkships. If that doesn't work out then I will start talking to firms. My Judge offered to keep me on longer if I wanted to stay, but I don't think I do. I LOVE my job, more everyday...but this cannot be my career. First, it doesn't pay enough. Second, I want to be a trial attorney. And third, I don't want to be stuck here like the other career clerks. Sure they are happy, but they are just stunted. I want a chance to shine, ya know? So, if I can get an appellate clerkship - great. It will help me on my road to teaching one day. But if not, look out big-firm life! Here I come!

So, I guess that's all. I hope that by next year at this time my mom's divorce will be final, K will be working for a different company and loving it, my sister will have a fantastic internship under her belt, and I will have a plan for my future. I also hope that the pants I wore this weekend will still fit me! ;-)

Welcome to 2007 everyone! I hope we have a great year!