I'm not in a good place. My heart is pounding. I'm shaking. My stomach is icky. I'm having thoughts I should not be having. Keeping myself from things I shouldn't have to. Going back to places in my mind I never want to see.
Why am I posting about this? I don't know. Better than waiting for the phone to ring? There is no answer to this disease. It's coming back for more of me. I wonder what there is left to take. This isn't me.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I'm Pretty When He's Drunk
Yeah, so I had my 1st experience with K drunk-dialing me last night. It was, well, interesting. I totally want to tell you all about it...even tho he says I can't tell anyone (but he doesn't even know I have a blog - so what's the diff?). But ya know, the bar is in...umm...3? er 2?....well, it's on Tuesday. So I should not be blogging right now.
But look for a rather interesting story involving a ring and Bolivians on Wednesday or Thursday.
But look for a rather interesting story involving a ring and Bolivians on Wednesday or Thursday.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Slummin' It
Yesterday Haley Joel Osment was in a car accident. Apparently he's doing fine. He broke a rib & hurt his shoulder when he drove his 1995 Saturn into a mailbox. Yes, that's right. I said his 1995 Saturn!!!!!!!!!
I know he's not a "superstar' but he's been in at least 10 movies including Forrest Gump, The Sixth Sense and Pay It Forward - I would think he could afford something a BIT more stylish??? I mean, I'm unemployed & K's a truck driver and we BOTH have nicer cars than that!!! Good lord. Maybe we should take up a charitable collection for poor little Haley. Maybe we could bump him up to, say, a 1997 Saturn??? Or maybe we could convince Oprah to give him a brand new Pontiac? Clearly, he is in need.
I know he's not a "superstar' but he's been in at least 10 movies including Forrest Gump, The Sixth Sense and Pay It Forward - I would think he could afford something a BIT more stylish??? I mean, I'm unemployed & K's a truck driver and we BOTH have nicer cars than that!!! Good lord. Maybe we should take up a charitable collection for poor little Haley. Maybe we could bump him up to, say, a 1997 Saturn??? Or maybe we could convince Oprah to give him a brand new Pontiac? Clearly, he is in need.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
The Home Stretch
So, the bar exam is Tuesday, and today is Thursday. It's gettin' pretty close. I'm still not "scared" I guess. I know I should be - I dont know NEAR as much as I should. But my multiple choice scores have been improving, so I'm getting more confident. Mostly though, this is all such crap. These stupid nit-picky little rules drive me nuts! Like, did you know:
1. There is a hearsay exception for notes about family history written in family bibles?? (What about family Qu'rans?)
2. Under common law, burning down a building is NOT arson? (Nope, has to be a "dwelling")
3. It is unconstitutional for Virginia to tax a resident on income earned disproportionately in other states? (Funny, because NY had no problem taking tax money from me when I lived in FL for 3 years!!)
Yeah, so these are just a few of the ridiculous things I have encountered in the last few days. The thing is, that I will NEVER forget these 3 things now...but there are 10 million other obscurities lurking in the wings to trip me up during the actual exam! But, alas, there is nothing I can do about it. So, off to Starbucks I go, to do MORE practice questions!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!
1. There is a hearsay exception for notes about family history written in family bibles?? (What about family Qu'rans?)
2. Under common law, burning down a building is NOT arson? (Nope, has to be a "dwelling")
3. It is unconstitutional for Virginia to tax a resident on income earned disproportionately in other states? (Funny, because NY had no problem taking tax money from me when I lived in FL for 3 years!!)
Yeah, so these are just a few of the ridiculous things I have encountered in the last few days. The thing is, that I will NEVER forget these 3 things now...but there are 10 million other obscurities lurking in the wings to trip me up during the actual exam! But, alas, there is nothing I can do about it. So, off to Starbucks I go, to do MORE practice questions!!! Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Modern Mammary Miracles
So, seriously, I could blog about Tyra Banks, like, everyday!!! She is just so bizarre. Plus, her show is on some channel at any given moment of any given day! Almost every time I take a break from bar review hell (more on that later), I scan the channels and Tyra is somewhere.
K says she is a disgrace to her race. I agree. Of course, I am speaking of the HUMAN RACE!!!! Yeah, it's that bad.
So, "What" you may ask, "did Tyra do to disgust and amaze you this time?" Well, I will tell you: she had an ultrasound of her boobs done on national television! Who does that???? Tyra.
This is not all. It's not just the ultrasound that appalled me - it was the entire presentation. You see, this segment of her show was devoted to determining, by ultrasound, whether her boobs were real or fake. Of course, this is very important to the entire world - who doesn't need to know whether Tyra's boobs are fake?? Exactly.
So, in an effort to boost her own ego even more she brought another girl on stage with her. That girl got the ultrasound first and the very professional and credentialled plastic surgeon declared that the "black space" on the ultrasound revealed that specimen number one had saline implants. Tyra then emphasized this fact by making specimen number one admit to said saline implants herself.
Great. Now it's Tyra's turn. The ultrasound begins and Tyra says "I don't see any black spots!" Really?? No shit!! Did we really think you would do this if it would expose implants on you??? Okay. But Tyra, desperate to clarify for the world that her tits are genuine & homegrown, becomes concerned that the people at home will think she is using "trick photography." In an attempt to insure against this catastrophe she invites her audience to "shout things out so the people at home know I have real breasts." The crowd goes silent and one woman yells "She has real breasts!!!" That woman is my hero.
No, Tyra says. She wants you to yell instructions to the technician controlling the ultrasound like "make circles" or something so that people at home can see her responding to the LIVE studio audience instructions. Apparently, the home audience believes that Tyra has to power of trick photography but not audio overlay. Not to mention the fact that there is no way to know that the ultrasound monitor is actually displaying a live feed. But never mind all that.
The point is, after years of painstaking investigation and multiple hypotheses by brilliant scholars, the age old question of whether or not Tyra's boobs are real has finally been answered. Or not - depending on whether or not you believe that audience member in the back row. Personally, I never doubted you Tyra. I always believed in your boobs. I have true faith. I hold them up as god-like, really. My boobs have long been inspired by them and strive on a daily basis to be even half as good as your boobs. Thank you for giving me and my tits something to strive for. Tyra, what would I do without you?
K says she is a disgrace to her race. I agree. Of course, I am speaking of the HUMAN RACE!!!! Yeah, it's that bad.
So, "What" you may ask, "did Tyra do to disgust and amaze you this time?" Well, I will tell you: she had an ultrasound of her boobs done on national television! Who does that???? Tyra.
This is not all. It's not just the ultrasound that appalled me - it was the entire presentation. You see, this segment of her show was devoted to determining, by ultrasound, whether her boobs were real or fake. Of course, this is very important to the entire world - who doesn't need to know whether Tyra's boobs are fake?? Exactly.
So, in an effort to boost her own ego even more she brought another girl on stage with her. That girl got the ultrasound first and the very professional and credentialled plastic surgeon declared that the "black space" on the ultrasound revealed that specimen number one had saline implants. Tyra then emphasized this fact by making specimen number one admit to said saline implants herself.
Great. Now it's Tyra's turn. The ultrasound begins and Tyra says "I don't see any black spots!" Really?? No shit!! Did we really think you would do this if it would expose implants on you??? Okay. But Tyra, desperate to clarify for the world that her tits are genuine & homegrown, becomes concerned that the people at home will think she is using "trick photography." In an attempt to insure against this catastrophe she invites her audience to "shout things out so the people at home know I have real breasts." The crowd goes silent and one woman yells "She has real breasts!!!" That woman is my hero.
No, Tyra says. She wants you to yell instructions to the technician controlling the ultrasound like "make circles" or something so that people at home can see her responding to the LIVE studio audience instructions. Apparently, the home audience believes that Tyra has to power of trick photography but not audio overlay. Not to mention the fact that there is no way to know that the ultrasound monitor is actually displaying a live feed. But never mind all that.
The point is, after years of painstaking investigation and multiple hypotheses by brilliant scholars, the age old question of whether or not Tyra's boobs are real has finally been answered. Or not - depending on whether or not you believe that audience member in the back row. Personally, I never doubted you Tyra. I always believed in your boobs. I have true faith. I hold them up as god-like, really. My boobs have long been inspired by them and strive on a daily basis to be even half as good as your boobs. Thank you for giving me and my tits something to strive for. Tyra, what would I do without you?
Monday, July 17, 2006
Interlude
So, my life is pretty much: wake up, eat, call K, study, eat & call K, study, eat & call mom & sis, study, call K, shower, call K, go to sleep. Everyday. That's what I do. I decided to break it up a little bit by going to starbucks at least once a day, getting a non-fat chai latte, and studying there for a couple of hours. I also try to work out every other day. But still, I'm pretty fuckin' bored.
But last night, I got to see K...which broke up the monotony of the phone conversations a bit!! No, but really, it was nice. We ate dinner together & watched School of Rock (which I had never seen and was actually pretty funny). I spent the night with him in Tampa and came home this morning. It was a sex-less visit which was nice because I don't need to deal with those issues. He was really sweet. He kept talking about how he knows what I'm thinking without me saying anything because he's love with me. We were finishing each other's sentences and stuff and he really liked that. And when I was leaving we said "I love you" at the same time, which he really loved. He's so cute sometimes. He just really loves being bonded with me like this - I think it's so cute coming from him.
But, I'm back home now - and he's back on the road now. I secretly slipped my class ring onto his necklace - we'll see how long it takes for him to notice. But he keeps his father's ring on that necklace, so I figured he needed some of me on there too. ;-) He actually wanted me to take the necklace when I was leaving Charlotte, but I was worried that if I took the necklace he might lose his dad's ring and that would absolutely kill him. He also gave me a new car stereo for Kit. It's just like his, except one model older. It's cuzz the radio that's in there now doesn't go loud enough. Plus, with this one I can plug my iPod right into it & not have to use my iTrip. So, as soon as one of us has some extra cash, I will go get it installed. I'm sure he'll be putting new speakers in there eventually too! He just can't stand not to pimp my ride! LOL
Anyway, I am damn tired and everything hurts! I'm on the phone with K, and we will both be going to sleep soon. Then, another day of studying!!! Only a week left until the bar!! Then I will be a new woman! Or at least I will be free from bar review hell! (Until I find out that I failed and have to start studying again!!)
But last night, I got to see K...which broke up the monotony of the phone conversations a bit!! No, but really, it was nice. We ate dinner together & watched School of Rock (which I had never seen and was actually pretty funny). I spent the night with him in Tampa and came home this morning. It was a sex-less visit which was nice because I don't need to deal with those issues. He was really sweet. He kept talking about how he knows what I'm thinking without me saying anything because he's love with me. We were finishing each other's sentences and stuff and he really liked that. And when I was leaving we said "I love you" at the same time, which he really loved. He's so cute sometimes. He just really loves being bonded with me like this - I think it's so cute coming from him.
But, I'm back home now - and he's back on the road now. I secretly slipped my class ring onto his necklace - we'll see how long it takes for him to notice. But he keeps his father's ring on that necklace, so I figured he needed some of me on there too. ;-) He actually wanted me to take the necklace when I was leaving Charlotte, but I was worried that if I took the necklace he might lose his dad's ring and that would absolutely kill him. He also gave me a new car stereo for Kit. It's just like his, except one model older. It's cuzz the radio that's in there now doesn't go loud enough. Plus, with this one I can plug my iPod right into it & not have to use my iTrip. So, as soon as one of us has some extra cash, I will go get it installed. I'm sure he'll be putting new speakers in there eventually too! He just can't stand not to pimp my ride! LOL
Anyway, I am damn tired and everything hurts! I'm on the phone with K, and we will both be going to sleep soon. Then, another day of studying!!! Only a week left until the bar!! Then I will be a new woman! Or at least I will be free from bar review hell! (Until I find out that I failed and have to start studying again!!)
Friday, July 14, 2006
Rollercoaster
So last night was awful. But today was pretty damn good! So I am in a fairly happy mood right now. Here's the story:
The bar is like, eleven days away? The formal review classes are over, so I am studying on my own. I was pretty excited about that but then yesterday, despite my plan to "get ahead" I only got like, an hour ahead, smoked 4 ciggarettes, didn't work out, and spent like 6 hrs on the phone with K. I was kinda mad at him for this because it started when he "called me back" after I had said I would call him back after a few hrs of studying. Honestly, I think he just forgot & innocently called me back as he would normally do. I am a grown up (or so he says) and I should have just told him to go away. But he was not in a very good mood and I didn't want to make him mad - that plan totally failed.
So the stress of the day mounted until I started a fight with him about something completely stupid at about 9pm. So we argued about that for like an hour or so and then I made a fatal mistake. I told him that I wasn't studying like I should be because I was too afraid of losing him. (Insert graphic of mushroom cloud here.)
So, of course, he is SO upset about that and takes it to the absolute extreme. He says he's just gonna go away then, so that I will do what I need to do and not fuck up my career for him, etc. So, I think he is like breaking up with me, which of course makes me just insanely upset. So, I'm crying - which he hates. And he is getting more upset and so am I and things are being said that should not be said and everything is just getting ridiculous. So finally I said "Stop. This is not about you punishing me until I get my grades up or something. I'm an adult. I just want things to be normal with us. And I need you to hear me when I say that I need to study and not guilt me or get mad - even as a joke."
Yeah, so he says he "loves me to pieces" - which if you know him, you know is just too cute for words & he says that all the time - and that he's not going anywhere. He just wants me to do my work and do what I need to do. He says I worked too hard for this and he's not gonna let me fuck it all up because of him. Which I know is true. I can't fuck this up. I need to behave and study. So, anyway, it was just a very negative night and even though he was reassuring at night, I was still stressed & upset.
So, I didn't sleep well. Nightmares and such. I woke up at 8 with this really sick feeling, so I tried to go back to sleep for about an hour and then I called him back. I just needed to know that we really were back to normal. We are. He did the whole "I love you more than you know. I'm gonna marry you. I'm supporting you. I'm gonna make sure you do what you gotta do." thing and it was sweet. I felt tons better and went back to sleep until 11am.
Then I got up, did LOTS of homework and worked out. Then went to Starbucks and did more work. Smoked zero ciggarettes. And then I found out that he is gonna be on his way to Tampa tomorrow! So I promised I would do even MORE homework, which I did, so that I can see him on Sunday. I promised him I would work my butt off so that I could spend Sunday evening with him and not sacrifice my work. I can't wait!
Also, he is switching jobs so that he can be "home" every weekend. He says his home is with me now...even though he just bought his own house 600 miles away! But we decided he will alternate, one weekend here and one up there. He's gonna try to start the new job in October or November. This makes me wickedly happy for 2 reasons: I will see him more & he won't have to drive thru bad weather in the winter because he will only be in the southeast.
So, yeah, everything is fabulous now. I think I may even do some more work now. Goodnite!
The bar is like, eleven days away? The formal review classes are over, so I am studying on my own. I was pretty excited about that but then yesterday, despite my plan to "get ahead" I only got like, an hour ahead, smoked 4 ciggarettes, didn't work out, and spent like 6 hrs on the phone with K. I was kinda mad at him for this because it started when he "called me back" after I had said I would call him back after a few hrs of studying. Honestly, I think he just forgot & innocently called me back as he would normally do. I am a grown up (or so he says) and I should have just told him to go away. But he was not in a very good mood and I didn't want to make him mad - that plan totally failed.
So the stress of the day mounted until I started a fight with him about something completely stupid at about 9pm. So we argued about that for like an hour or so and then I made a fatal mistake. I told him that I wasn't studying like I should be because I was too afraid of losing him. (Insert graphic of mushroom cloud here.)
So, of course, he is SO upset about that and takes it to the absolute extreme. He says he's just gonna go away then, so that I will do what I need to do and not fuck up my career for him, etc. So, I think he is like breaking up with me, which of course makes me just insanely upset. So, I'm crying - which he hates. And he is getting more upset and so am I and things are being said that should not be said and everything is just getting ridiculous. So finally I said "Stop. This is not about you punishing me until I get my grades up or something. I'm an adult. I just want things to be normal with us. And I need you to hear me when I say that I need to study and not guilt me or get mad - even as a joke."
Yeah, so he says he "loves me to pieces" - which if you know him, you know is just too cute for words & he says that all the time - and that he's not going anywhere. He just wants me to do my work and do what I need to do. He says I worked too hard for this and he's not gonna let me fuck it all up because of him. Which I know is true. I can't fuck this up. I need to behave and study. So, anyway, it was just a very negative night and even though he was reassuring at night, I was still stressed & upset.
So, I didn't sleep well. Nightmares and such. I woke up at 8 with this really sick feeling, so I tried to go back to sleep for about an hour and then I called him back. I just needed to know that we really were back to normal. We are. He did the whole "I love you more than you know. I'm gonna marry you. I'm supporting you. I'm gonna make sure you do what you gotta do." thing and it was sweet. I felt tons better and went back to sleep until 11am.
Then I got up, did LOTS of homework and worked out. Then went to Starbucks and did more work. Smoked zero ciggarettes. And then I found out that he is gonna be on his way to Tampa tomorrow! So I promised I would do even MORE homework, which I did, so that I can see him on Sunday. I promised him I would work my butt off so that I could spend Sunday evening with him and not sacrifice my work. I can't wait!
Also, he is switching jobs so that he can be "home" every weekend. He says his home is with me now...even though he just bought his own house 600 miles away! But we decided he will alternate, one weekend here and one up there. He's gonna try to start the new job in October or November. This makes me wickedly happy for 2 reasons: I will see him more & he won't have to drive thru bad weather in the winter because he will only be in the southeast.
So, yeah, everything is fabulous now. I think I may even do some more work now. Goodnite!
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