Modern Mammary Miracles

So, seriously, I could blog about Tyra Banks, like, everyday!!! She is just so bizarre. Plus, her show is on some channel at any given moment of any given day! Almost every time I take a break from bar review hell (more on that later), I scan the channels and Tyra is somewhere.

K says she is a disgrace to her race. I agree. Of course, I am speaking of the HUMAN RACE!!!! Yeah, it's that bad.

So, "What" you may ask, "did Tyra do to disgust and amaze you this time?" Well, I will tell you: she had an ultrasound of her boobs done on national television! Who does that???? Tyra.

This is not all. It's not just the ultrasound that appalled me - it was the entire presentation. You see, this segment of her show was devoted to determining, by ultrasound, whether her boobs were real or fake. Of course, this is very important to the entire world - who doesn't need to know whether Tyra's boobs are fake?? Exactly.

So, in an effort to boost her own ego even more she brought another girl on stage with her. That girl got the ultrasound first and the very professional and credentialled plastic surgeon declared that the "black space" on the ultrasound revealed that specimen number one had saline implants. Tyra then emphasized this fact by making specimen number one admit to said saline implants herself.

Great. Now it's Tyra's turn. The ultrasound begins and Tyra says "I don't see any black spots!" Really?? No shit!! Did we really think you would do this if it would expose implants on you??? Okay. But Tyra, desperate to clarify for the world that her tits are genuine & homegrown, becomes concerned that the people at home will think she is using "trick photography." In an attempt to insure against this catastrophe she invites her audience to "shout things out so the people at home know I have real breasts." The crowd goes silent and one woman yells "She has real breasts!!!" That woman is my hero.

No, Tyra says. She wants you to yell instructions to the technician controlling the ultrasound like "make circles" or something so that people at home can see her responding to the LIVE studio audience instructions. Apparently, the home audience believes that Tyra has to power of trick photography but not audio overlay. Not to mention the fact that there is no way to know that the ultrasound monitor is actually displaying a live feed. But never mind all that.

The point is, after years of painstaking investigation and multiple hypotheses by brilliant scholars, the age old question of whether or not Tyra's boobs are real has finally been answered. Or not - depending on whether or not you believe that audience member in the back row. Personally, I never doubted you Tyra. I always believed in your boobs. I have true faith. I hold them up as god-like, really. My boobs have long been inspired by them and strive on a daily basis to be even half as good as your boobs. Thank you for giving me and my tits something to strive for. Tyra, what would I do without you?