Rollercoaster

So last night was awful. But today was pretty damn good! So I am in a fairly happy mood right now. Here's the story:

The bar is like, eleven days away? The formal review classes are over, so I am studying on my own. I was pretty excited about that but then yesterday, despite my plan to "get ahead" I only got like, an hour ahead, smoked 4 ciggarettes, didn't work out, and spent like 6 hrs on the phone with K. I was kinda mad at him for this because it started when he "called me back" after I had said I would call him back after a few hrs of studying. Honestly, I think he just forgot & innocently called me back as he would normally do. I am a grown up (or so he says) and I should have just told him to go away. But he was not in a very good mood and I didn't want to make him mad - that plan totally failed.

So the stress of the day mounted until I started a fight with him about something completely stupid at about 9pm. So we argued about that for like an hour or so and then I made a fatal mistake. I told him that I wasn't studying like I should be because I was too afraid of losing him. (Insert graphic of mushroom cloud here.)

So, of course, he is SO upset about that and takes it to the absolute extreme. He says he's just gonna go away then, so that I will do what I need to do and not fuck up my career for him, etc. So, I think he is like breaking up with me, which of course makes me just insanely upset. So, I'm crying - which he hates. And he is getting more upset and so am I and things are being said that should not be said and everything is just getting ridiculous. So finally I said "Stop. This is not about you punishing me until I get my grades up or something. I'm an adult. I just want things to be normal with us. And I need you to hear me when I say that I need to study and not guilt me or get mad - even as a joke."

Yeah, so he says he "loves me to pieces" - which if you know him, you know is just too cute for words & he says that all the time - and that he's not going anywhere. He just wants me to do my work and do what I need to do. He says I worked too hard for this and he's not gonna let me fuck it all up because of him. Which I know is true. I can't fuck this up. I need to behave and study. So, anyway, it was just a very negative night and even though he was reassuring at night, I was still stressed & upset.

So, I didn't sleep well. Nightmares and such. I woke up at 8 with this really sick feeling, so I tried to go back to sleep for about an hour and then I called him back. I just needed to know that we really were back to normal. We are. He did the whole "I love you more than you know. I'm gonna marry you. I'm supporting you. I'm gonna make sure you do what you gotta do." thing and it was sweet. I felt tons better and went back to sleep until 11am.

Then I got up, did LOTS of homework and worked out. Then went to Starbucks and did more work. Smoked zero ciggarettes. And then I found out that he is gonna be on his way to Tampa tomorrow! So I promised I would do even MORE homework, which I did, so that I can see him on Sunday. I promised him I would work my butt off so that I could spend Sunday evening with him and not sacrifice my work. I can't wait!

Also, he is switching jobs so that he can be "home" every weekend. He says his home is with me now...even though he just bought his own house 600 miles away! But we decided he will alternate, one weekend here and one up there. He's gonna try to start the new job in October or November. This makes me wickedly happy for 2 reasons: I will see him more & he won't have to drive thru bad weather in the winter because he will only be in the southeast.

So, yeah, everything is fabulous now. I think I may even do some more work now. Goodnite!