Thursday, August 10, 2006
Almost Grown
So, I start my job on Monday. Tomorrow I have to go in for a bit of orientation. As much as I am excited about my new job - I love the people and the office I'll be in - I am scared. I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff. This is it. I am no longer a student. Everyday will be the same - get up at the same time, drive to the same place, sit at the same desk, go home at the same time. I'm used to starting my life over every 3 or 4 months. That's what I liked best about school. Every few months you get to throw everything out & start over. I loved picking out new classes, buying new books, and meeting new teachers. Luckily, this job is only 2 years, so it doesn't feel quite so terminal. But still, it does feel like it's the end of my freedom. After these 2 years I will most likely go to work for a law firm - which we all know IS terminal. I hope to someday be able to teach - whether undergrad or law school. That would be a break from the daily grind. But I've never been one of those people who couldn't wait to grow up & get a job. I always knew how lucky I was to be a student and to have minimal resonsibilities and I was never too anxious for it to end. Plus, I feel like all the milestones I've been waiting for are over now. There's no next thing. I mean, maybe it will be my wedding? But we have to talk about when we really want to do it. For now it's just this big, open, amorphous future. Someday K and I may get married, someday we may buy a house, someday we may have or adopt kids...but there is no longer a plan that I am waiting to play out. Prior to this I always had dates to look forward to: graduating, moving, finishing bar review, the bar exam, starting my job. Now, there are no dates. Just empty calendars. Maybe I should be excited at the endless possibilities, but I am way too left-brained to think that way. I just don't ever want my life to become boring. Not that it's been overly action-packed in the past, but it hasn't ever been routine. I'm always moving & starting new lives with new friends in new places. I don't ever want to get too comfortable in one place. Anyway, maybe the regular paycheck will make up for the hideous monotony....we'll just have to wait & see. As for now, I still have 4 days of being a kid left. Too bad I can't afford to go to Disney World!!
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A regular paycheck is a huge plus. I was never one of those people who was looking forward to being an adult necessarily, but being a functioning member of society does give me a certain amount of self-confidence. I still enjoy the fact that I can pay my bills (*Austin Powers* Nerd Alert!) though I hate how much they are. In some ways I even like having an amorphous future. Knowing that I COULD move somewhere and get a job somewhere is kind of exciting.
The lack of milestones after school is rather...disconcerting, especially when school is all you've ever known. I always did what was "next" - go to high school, get a part-time job, go to college, pick a major, graduate, get a job, move out - and now there is no "next", at least not one that I have any real control over. I can't control when I'm going to meet the "one", fall in love, or get married. Who wants to make "finding a man" a "goal", anyway? :P How objectifying.
What I've found is that time slows waaaay down. Instead of thinking in semesters, you have to start thinking in years. With your career, you can choose a lot of different paths, and there will always be jobs wherever you wish to move to.
Good luck on Monday! You'll be great!!
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