Friday, November 30, 2007

Things I Haven't Said Yet

It's been a while since I've written anything down and dirty about my relationship. Yesterday, while screaming in my therapist's office, I realized I may be bottling things up just a BIT. So, time for some "blenting" (that is: blog + venting).

I mean, things with K have been mostly good. Ya know? But every time we are in the same zip code, the same issues are there. Yesterday, I felt like I was back at square one. I am still so angry about sex. Like, really furious. I don't understand how he can say all this shit about how it is supposed to somehow be related to loving someone and then still use it as a threat, and enjoy it when I hate it, and do it with people he doesn't care about, and not be able to articulate how it's any different with me than with a stranger, etc. It just doesn't make any sense to me. He says he doesn't want a hole in the wall, but he's lying. Because no sex is not an option. So, he'd rather have a hole in the wall than nothing. Does it even matter if I am conscious? So, anyway, I have this screaming emotional outburst with my therapist and then I call K.

I tell him how I guess I am more upset than I realized. That I think all my sadness has turned to anger and I don't know what to do. He says, "well don't go to therapy if it makes you mad." GRR! I am not mad at HER I am mad at YOU! He doesn't get it. Here is the dialogue:

Me: "Well, how do you think things are going? Better? Worse? The same?"
K: "Well, you say you are angry instead of sad."
Me: "I know what I say...what do YOU say? Don't you have an opinion?"
K: "Well, it's not that big of a deal. It's not perfect, but it's not awful. I just don't worry about it. You don't like it, maybe you can't like it. There is nothing I can do about that."
Me: "Okay, but I still have to do it, right? Either I do it, or we break up, right?"
K: "Yeah, well that is a decision you have to make."
Me: "So, all that crap about how you want me to like it and how that matters and whatever, that was all a lie? You really do just want a hole in the wall?"
K: "No, I want you to like it...but there is nothing else I can do. The only thing that worries me is that in 10 or 20 years you won't want me to touch you at all. Now that would be a problem. But right now, things are fine."
Me: "Well, I'm glad you can completely change your position on all this and not even tell me. So, how about I just take a xanax, u wait for me to pass out, do what u want and leave me the fuck alone. How about that?"
K: "No, that's not what I want. I want you to like it, I want you to relax and stop thinking it's gross, but any suggestion I make you reject. So I can't help you anymore."

Ugh. So we keep arguing and finally I'm like "You've been with, what? Like a MILLION women? And supposedly they all LOVED sex with you and begged for more. But for some reason you can't manage to do ANYTHING differently to maybe make it less hostile with me? So all these women just LOVED watching you get off on them? They loved being treated like shit? They loved the rudeness and the disgusting things you say and the violence? I need to meet these women."

I was just so hurt and angry and crying. He's telling me that I need to tell him what to do. Like, what? you need an anatomy lesson? A million sex partners aren't enough for you to know what you're doing? If you wanted to make it better, you would. But you don't. You just want to get off, get rid of your guilt, and get your ego stroked. Well, I can't do all of those things. If you wanted to make it better you would. You don't. Just fucking admit that. In bed, I may as well be a 2 dollar whore. Making love is a lie people tell themselves to feel less disgusting. You're just mad because I see through your lie. I tore down your myth. Too fucking bad.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Best Picture Ever


From the Orlando Sentinel.

Everybody Turn & Cough

Yep, I'm sick. It seems like everyone is, including my boss, K and my sister. Of all of us - K is the worst. Which makes it worse on me. Frankly, I'd rather be sicker and have him well. He is SO annoying when he is sick! When I am sick I like to be left alone, sure I'll tell people I'm sick, I'm going to bed, leave me alone. But I don't bitch and I don't want to be taken care of. I am a big girl, I can take care of myself. Just leave me alone.

But when K is sick - good lord! Bitch, moan, whine. He wants pity and concern 24/7. Is he 4 years old?? The worst part is that he won't do anything to take care of himself! He won't even take a freakin' advil. So I have no sympathy. You don't take care of yourself, I don't give a fuck - ya know? So, anyway, he woke me up at 7am to whine to me about how he feels like crap and can't sleep and blah blah blah. So I told him I am gonna sleep all day. This is me sleeping.

I know, I'm a bitch. If I love him I should worry & feel bad, etc. But I don't. If you know me, you know I am bad with sick people. They generally make me angry. Awful, I know. But true. And K knows this, but he insists on pushing me to my limits. So, I lie & hang up the phone. Ugh. I guess I should be grateful that he is in NC and not here, so I only have to deal with long distance whining!!!

So, I'm sure many of you feel like crap right now. So go home, take care of yourself, get better and I will do the same. See you on the other side.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Let Me Go

Right now I'm watching 60 minutes. Anderson Cooper is doing a story on people in vegetative and minimally conscious states. Apparently there are some developments in "waking up" people in minimally conscious states, using certain drugs. This development is inspiring doctors to re-examine patients who have been thought to be vegetative, to be sure if they are really vegetative or just minimally conscious. Here's the thing, even if they are "woken up", they are still barely functional. They can't walk and can barely talk. They are considered, at best, severely disabled. Developments like these scare me, because I am a pull the plug kinda girl. I don't want to be in any kind of state where I can't make my own decisions. I like to say my default position is dead. If I can't stop you from killing me, I don't want to be alive. But the more "hope" there is, the less likely that someone would be allowed to pull my plug, ya know? If a bunch of doctors say I may some day wake up, then a court may step in and stop my death. In my opinion, I would rather be dead than "severely disabled". I certainly wouldn't want to spend years in a minimally conscious state, just so that some day I may be able to have a few more lucid days with my family. I realize that many parents would do anything to keep their children alive. Luckily, my mother has enough respect for me to do what I would want, and not what would make her feel better. But, what worries me is not her decision, it is her not being able to make a decision because Drs will no longer think I am hopeless if I can live on as just severely disabled. The possibilities truly terrify me. I know new cures are supposed to be a good thing, but in this world, more cures mean less options and less diginity.

Alone Again

Well, my holiday extravaganza is officially over. My sister left today around 2pm, and I proceeded to take a nap! We had a great week though. I took my mom to the beach, the botanical gardens and several nice meals. My sister and I had a GREAT day at Disney on friday. The Magic Kingdom all decorated for Xmas was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I could have stared at the castle all night long. Then on Saturday we did some shopping, went out to dinner and then out for a VERY fancy dessert at this place called The Dessert Lady - it was great! So, like I said, it was a very good week and I am exhausted. I can't believe I have to work tomorrow!! I hope everyone else had a great holiday too!!!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

One In The Bag

So, I got my 1st offer today. Of course, it's from the sweatshop that I didn't like - but still, one is better than none. And, it is a LOT of money....so if I get nothing else, I will at least be rich and miserable!

Have a good turkey day everyone!

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Priorities People!

I read an article the other day about a lawyer who is in trouble for bribing people at the Dept. of Corrections to get his clients moved to a prison with air conditioning. That's right. This is Florida. And there are prisons WITHOUT air conditioning!!!!! Excuse me??? Of course, the article wasn't about that. Nope, not one tiny shred of shock about that fact. Instead it was about this horrible lawyer who is pulling strings for people who can pay him $7500. He uses excuses to get the moved - like "he wants to take computer classes." So, the article writer was pissed that a Dentist got moved to the prison with a/c because he couldn't possibly NEED computer classes, and he was taking a spot from someone without $7500 who could have benefitted from those classes. I agree, it isn't fair. But maybe we could solve this corruption by adding air conditioning!!!!! I mean, this is the craziest thing I have ever heard! Florida people! EVERYTHING is air conditioned!!!!! I just don't get how the journalist writing this article was completely unphased by this.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

*Sigh* (of relief)

I had two interviews today. One full blown 4 hour interview and one just sort of meet 'n' greet. I love my 1st interview! Everyone was very cool & I did well. I really liked it. I feel much better now. They said they should get back to me in 2 weeks. Hopefully with good news!!!

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

And You Thought Soap Fans Were Nuts....

The new Ikea opened in Orlando today at 9am. The 1st 100 customers got a free chair, the next 2400 were given envelopes that may contain giftcards up to $250. People started getting in line on Sunday night. Today is WEDNESDAY! They brought tents and sleeping bags and camped out on the sidewalk - just to shop at Ikea! So, the news is full of stories about these crazy people, but this one, from the Orlando Sentinel, is my favorite so far:

Then there are Susan Perry, 51, and her boyfriend Edward Shay, 47. They were numbers 2 and 3 in line, having driven down from Leesburg for a dresser Susan wanted.
They ended up not buying it, since it didn't fit in their trunk. Instead, they grabbed a small cat house for $4.95 from the AS IS area, then headed to the in-store restaurant for hot dogs.
"The hot dogs are wonderful," Susan said. "At 50 cents each, I couldn't believe it."
Susan, happy with her purchase and meal, had no doubts when asked if the wait was worth it. "Absolutely," she said.


Are you kidding me??? They drove down here, camped out for 3 days and didn't even know if the goddamned thing would fit in their trunk???? They do have a website, ya know. Complete with measurements. And then they spent 5 bucks and got excited about 50 cent hot dogs! What is wrong with these people??? And how on EARTH does a brand new store already have an "As Is" section???? I am just baffled.

So, for all of you who think I'm crazy for waiting in line to meet Michael Knight & David Canary...at least I didn't camp out for 2 days to shop at a store that isn't going anywhere! Even if the "free chair" was worth $500 (which I doubt) - 2 whole days of my life is NOT worth that! Good grief. What a world.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Fanaticism

Today I went to Super Soap Weekend at Disney World. This was my first time there and HOLY SHIT was it nuts!!!!! I went on Saturday morning but, having arrived 10 minutes after the park opened, I was too late for autographs. So I tried again today. I got there at 5:45am, the park opened at 8am. I was 9th last in line. CRAZY!!!! I almost had to throw down with 2 bitches who tried to cut me! But, in the end, I got some great pics. I also got two autographs: David Canary & Michael Knight. Both very nice guys. It was a great day. It was also a phenomenal people watching experience. People can be such assholes. I heard that things were REALLY out of control on Saturday morning. Just to give you an idea, here are some pics. The 1st is the line at 8am on Saturday...it was the same length at 6am on Sunday, except it was dark out! The 2nd pic is of the Disney employees trying to keep back all the people who got there after 6am and weren't allowed in the park until 8am. They had to form a human chain to hold them back!






Thursday, November 08, 2007

Stuff

Things have been busy! Ever since I got back from ATL I have been going non-stop...but FINALLY I am caught up! Nice.

So...anyway...last weekend was good. The wedding was very nice & very different. The thing that struck me most was how much the people there really loved my friend L (the bride). I'm not sure I could gather a room of people who feel that way about me...but it was actually tangible. They were so happy for her and so proud. It was really nice. Her father gave a really nice speech that began with him talking about the day he fell in love with his daughter (the day she came home from the hospital). It was really wonderful to here a man talk about his daughter like that. Certainly, my father would never do the same. So, I left there feeling very happy for her, not just because she got married but because of the entire clan of fans she had there. It was really nice.

I also got to visit K's brother S....who is one of the few relatives of K's that I respect & get along with. We had a very nice time. He has a FABULOUS house in midtown, and he is doing very well. It was funny because he was warning me about K's mom - things I already know, but it was cute that he cared enough to warn me!

Other than that, life is peachy. K and I are doing well...despite the stress of money and the job hunt. We are making plans to go to a wedding in December, so that will be a fun little adventure. Also, we found out that our class reunion will be in July, so we are looking forward to that - even though we feel so old!!!!

So, now that I am back to my normal life, hopefully I will have something witty to post soon!!

Friday, November 02, 2007

Hotlanta??

Not so much. First of all: it is COLD! I know, I'm spoiled...actually it was only really cold in the morning, but still. Ya know, whenever I visit places I used to live I get this pang of "maybe I should move back here." But it usually goes away. In Buffalo, if it's winter, it goes away in about 30 seconds. Buffalo in the summer takes about 3 or 4 days. Atlanta took about 12 hours. Some parts of this city are GORGEOUS. Amazing huge houses with lots of trees, and in the fall it is especially nice to look at. Plus, there is a lot to see and do, and good food. But driving here is a nightmare! Not only is the traffic bad, the streets are small, there is always construction and I am ALWAYS lost! Even when I think I am in familiar terrain, I end up lost. There are no landmarks (i.e. large bodies of water) and no matter where you go there is a Peachtree St and a sign to 285...well 285 is a loop, so knowing which direction it's in is NOT helpful. Plus, streets change names all the time, with little or no notice. It is just plain obnoxious. This morning on my way to my friend J's house I almost got killed by 2 cars cutting across three lanes of traffic in opposite directions with me in the middle. My heart was pounding for like 30 minutes. Then I missed a turn because there was no street sign on the road I needed to turn on - not "I didn't see the street sign" it actually wasn't there! Then I got superduper lost on my way back to the hotel. Not to mention the gridlock on the downtown connector. But alas, I finally made it to my hotel, parked my car and walked to dinner! Phew. Now I am ready for a good night's rest before I go get lost again tomorrow.

I miss my home. ;-)

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Playing Dress-Up

Yesterday for Halloween I dressed up as a psych patient. It was the 1st time I've celebrated Halloween in about five or six years and it was fun! I only went to a party at work, but still it was fun being silly for a day! Some people's costumes were very fancy, but nobody was terribly original, which is fine. The best costume idea I heard tho was on the radio - a woman called in & said that when she was a kid her mom took 2 white garbage bags, cut holes in them, put them over her kids's head and they went out as white trash! HA! I love it.

Anyway, tonight I am driving to Atlanta for the weekend - going to a wedding and visiting friends. I hope you all a good Halloween & have a good weekend!!