Nobody Listens!!!

So, I had my 6th, and possibly last, physical therapy appointment today. My insurance only approved 6 visits, and I can request more, but since I only have 7 weeks left at my job, I'm not sure it's worth it. Anyway, today's appt was a little frustrating.

Today's visit was dedicated to getting me to relax. My biggest problem is my inability to relax my pelvic muscles - which are constantly clenched. The problem with trying to relax them is that I don't know how to control them at all. So they hook me up to this machine that monitors my muscle activity, and it is connected to a probe that goes inside of me (I know, it's icky). Anyway, having that in me REALLY HURTS. I guess that if I learned to relax it wouldn't hurt so much, but how can you relax when you are in so much pain. Vicious cycle.

So today she talks me through a relaxation exercise, trying to get me to relax my whole body. After 20 minutes the computer says that I have barely relaxed my pelvic muscles at all. Plus, it still hurts. So, she asks if she should leave me alone and let me try to relax on my own.

Me: "Okay, but not for too long because this REALLY hurts."
Her: "Well, I really don't know what else to tell you or what else to try."
Me: "Maybe I'm hopeless."
Her: "Well maybe that is your problem, you have just accepted that this is how things are. You need to mentally be more hopeful and change your attitude....(continues to lecture me on my 'attitude' for a good 5 minutes)"

WTF???? First of all, I was being sarcastic. Second, SHE was the one who was giving up. SHE said that she didn't have anything else to say or try. If she had said "well, next week we can try ____." I would have said "GREAT, see you then!". Third, I had agreed to try it with her leaving the room, I just didn't want her to leave me hooked up to that thing for another 20 minutes! Is that sooooo unreasonable??? So, instead of 5 minutes more of relaxing I get the above-referenced 5 minute lecture PLUS another 10 minute lecture after I got dressed again. I was really annoyed.

To make it worse, I come home and START telling K this story. Instead of listening to me he interrupts and says "HA! I told you!!! It's all in your head! You want things to be this way!!!" I really thought my head was going to explode. I was so angry at him for having the same unreasonable reaction as my PT lady had, without even hearing the whole story. Of course, he says this to me and then 5 seconds later hangs up to go get dinner. So I am just left all angry and frustrated and it makes me feel like maybe I should just give up. I mean I have been doing all this work, putting in all this effort, being poked & prodded FOR HIM. I thought he was starting to see that these were physical problems, not mental. But I guess that was all an act. So, ya know what? If I don't want it to be better, then fine. I will stop trying. We can just never have sex again for all I care. He can go buy hookers. Because I am so not gonna keep expending all this time, effort and money when he still thinks it's just all in my head. God. I am so fucking angry at him right now!!!