If he wants it, he's got it.
If he thinks he can take me down...he hasn't seen nothin' yet.
I know what's on the table, and I haven't put anything down that I can't afford to lose.
So, we'll just see whose left standing. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy. Eye for an eye? Fuck that. I'll take both of yours before you get within a foot of mine. You won't even know what hit you. That sparkle in my eyes? The flames of hell. There is no wrath like this. I will keep you close and slip in slowly and the pain will be so great you won't even know where it's coming from. There is nobody who has crossed me and not regretted it. There will be no exceptions. I have built a foretress around this heart and soul, and if they are under attack, the blood that is shed will not be mine.
Yeah, I'm back. In full force.
Yes. I. Am.
Did ya miss me?
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Serenity Now
Why is nothing ever easy? Lets see...
7am: K sends me a text message & scares the crap out of me. It says "i love u." Aw, how sweet...I go back to bed.
9am: I wake up feeling good. My voice is back, mostly, and I can kinda hear out of my left ear. Good. I make breakfast. I had been craving french toast & strawberries, but alas, no milk. So, egg, toast & pineapple it is. Fine.
10am: I check my email. My phone bill is ready, so I click on it. It's $436!!!!!!! Wow. My ulcer expands slightly, and I print out the 32 page detailed bill.
11am: K calls & I tell him about the phone bill. He offers to pay it. I argue with him for 20 minutes & then he gives me his credit card number. I love him. ;-) I go to the gym.
1pm: Fed Ex guy comes to the door. My dad sent me a pot. An 11 quart pot. Apparently he thinks I am hosting a spaghetti dinner for the troops?? I run to Walmart to pick up my pictures and get milk!
2pm: I decide to try to fix my car. The horn doesnt work & the airbag light is on so we figure its a loose wire in the steering wheel. But, because I am worried about the airbag going off while I'm doing it I think I should disconnect the battery. This turns out to be quite difficult, so I give up and call my dad.
3pm: Dad calls back...thanks for the pot, I'll smoke it later...dont smoke it all at once....no I'll save most of it for days I have class.... He tells me not to disconnect the battery, just take off the steering wheel and then call him. So, I try. But the "screws" are not screws in that a screwdriver doesn't work. I need a rachet & socket. 3/8 is too small. 7/16 is too big. My dad doesnt answer when I call him FOUR TIMES! He finally calls me back and says I need a metric, probably a 10. I tell him I will go buy one. He argues with me for 10 minutes that I have one. He is wrong (duh). I leave to go to the store.
4pm: On my way to AutoZone I call K but he has no reception. Then my phone says "Car Kit" for no reason. I try to answer it when he calls back, but I cant. I try to take it off "Car Kit" but I can't. I storm into Circuit City where they tell me that my phone needs "serious help" and I have to see a technician at a store about 10 miles away. The tech is there until 6pm. It is now
4:30pm: I go home, call K & my dad from the landline to tell them what was going on. I drive to the store where they say "Nope, no technician on duty today." I fight back tears & tell them the whole story. The AWESOMEST Hindu in the WORLD named Sachin helps me out and gives my a BRAND NEW phone!!!! I love him now.
5:30pm: I go to AutoZone & buy the damn socket (actually I bough 10 of them in a set). I take the steering wheel off & alas, NONE of the wires are loose!!!!! ARGH!!! Do u have any idea how frustrating it is to drive w/o a horn??? I swear I waste an hour a day behind people who dont know the light is green!!! So now I have to wait till after I get back from Charlotte to get it fixed (cuzz my warranty won't start up until then). GRRRRRR!!!
7pm: I am disgusting from sweating like a hog all day, but I decide I deserve a treat and go to Panera. I also smoked a ciggarette and drank a coke. Hey, I deserved it! My cell phone still doesnt work inside my apartment, so I ate dinner & talked to Alana on the phone in the car. I am still the white trash queen! LOL
9pm: I said goodnight to K & took a shower. I got NO homework done today & NO rest. Some way to spend my 1st day of feeling better!! I will probably be sick again tomorrow! Oh well, it's supposed to rain all week anyway. No Disney World this week! Maybe if the weather is good I will go to the beach next weekend. That will be free & relaxing. I need to bond with the ocean.
10:15pm: Goodnite!!!
7am: K sends me a text message & scares the crap out of me. It says "i love u." Aw, how sweet...I go back to bed.
9am: I wake up feeling good. My voice is back, mostly, and I can kinda hear out of my left ear. Good. I make breakfast. I had been craving french toast & strawberries, but alas, no milk. So, egg, toast & pineapple it is. Fine.
10am: I check my email. My phone bill is ready, so I click on it. It's $436!!!!!!! Wow. My ulcer expands slightly, and I print out the 32 page detailed bill.
11am: K calls & I tell him about the phone bill. He offers to pay it. I argue with him for 20 minutes & then he gives me his credit card number. I love him. ;-) I go to the gym.
1pm: Fed Ex guy comes to the door. My dad sent me a pot. An 11 quart pot. Apparently he thinks I am hosting a spaghetti dinner for the troops?? I run to Walmart to pick up my pictures and get milk!
2pm: I decide to try to fix my car. The horn doesnt work & the airbag light is on so we figure its a loose wire in the steering wheel. But, because I am worried about the airbag going off while I'm doing it I think I should disconnect the battery. This turns out to be quite difficult, so I give up and call my dad.
3pm: Dad calls back...thanks for the pot, I'll smoke it later...dont smoke it all at once....no I'll save most of it for days I have class.... He tells me not to disconnect the battery, just take off the steering wheel and then call him. So, I try. But the "screws" are not screws in that a screwdriver doesn't work. I need a rachet & socket. 3/8 is too small. 7/16 is too big. My dad doesnt answer when I call him FOUR TIMES! He finally calls me back and says I need a metric, probably a 10. I tell him I will go buy one. He argues with me for 10 minutes that I have one. He is wrong (duh). I leave to go to the store.
4pm: On my way to AutoZone I call K but he has no reception. Then my phone says "Car Kit" for no reason. I try to answer it when he calls back, but I cant. I try to take it off "Car Kit" but I can't. I storm into Circuit City where they tell me that my phone needs "serious help" and I have to see a technician at a store about 10 miles away. The tech is there until 6pm. It is now
4:30pm: I go home, call K & my dad from the landline to tell them what was going on. I drive to the store where they say "Nope, no technician on duty today." I fight back tears & tell them the whole story. The AWESOMEST Hindu in the WORLD named Sachin helps me out and gives my a BRAND NEW phone!!!! I love him now.
5:30pm: I go to AutoZone & buy the damn socket (actually I bough 10 of them in a set). I take the steering wheel off & alas, NONE of the wires are loose!!!!! ARGH!!! Do u have any idea how frustrating it is to drive w/o a horn??? I swear I waste an hour a day behind people who dont know the light is green!!! So now I have to wait till after I get back from Charlotte to get it fixed (cuzz my warranty won't start up until then). GRRRRRR!!!
7pm: I am disgusting from sweating like a hog all day, but I decide I deserve a treat and go to Panera. I also smoked a ciggarette and drank a coke. Hey, I deserved it! My cell phone still doesnt work inside my apartment, so I ate dinner & talked to Alana on the phone in the car. I am still the white trash queen! LOL
9pm: I said goodnight to K & took a shower. I got NO homework done today & NO rest. Some way to spend my 1st day of feeling better!! I will probably be sick again tomorrow! Oh well, it's supposed to rain all week anyway. No Disney World this week! Maybe if the weather is good I will go to the beach next weekend. That will be free & relaxing. I need to bond with the ocean.
10:15pm: Goodnite!!!
Friday, June 09, 2006
Brutality
Slide down into me
Into this darkness
And I am falling
Behind your eyes
I can hear the screams
Of all those days
I left behind
This room
These walls
Closing in
Falling down
Set me free
And it’s that whisper
That echo
The slight vibration
Inside my brain
That is making this
Real
I take your hand
You take my soul
And I am steady
Above you
Around you
Inside of you
Inside of me
Surrounded by time
This is not what I meant
When I said forever
This is wrong
Sinful and strange
And I will wake up once more
Tasting that fear
Like your stain
In the back of my throat
And I will claw at your skin
Crawl back out
Of this deep
This void
Your soul.
Into this darkness
And I am falling
Behind your eyes
I can hear the screams
Of all those days
I left behind
This room
These walls
Closing in
Falling down
Set me free
And it’s that whisper
That echo
The slight vibration
Inside my brain
That is making this
Real
I take your hand
You take my soul
And I am steady
Above you
Around you
Inside of you
Inside of me
Surrounded by time
This is not what I meant
When I said forever
This is wrong
Sinful and strange
And I will wake up once more
Tasting that fear
Like your stain
In the back of my throat
And I will claw at your skin
Crawl back out
Of this deep
This void
Your soul.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
On The Mend
Okay, well I have been sick for like 2 weeks now! It sucks! I have an ear infection that shocked my Dr...I'm used to that tho! But, the real life consequences are that I can't hear out of my left ear, and I pretty much have no voice whatsoever! Plus, I've just been so exhausted, which is making this whole "studying for the bar" thing even harder!
But, things are getting a little better. K and my sister say that I sound better today, so I believe them. My energy is a bit better too. I think I'm gonna try to work out tomorrow. I haven't worked out in FOREVER! And I dont want to get all fat before I go up to Charlotte (I'm going July 1-5).
So, let's see...what is up in the world? Not too much as far as I know, although I have been a bit out of touch lately. I have been watching Craig Ferguson a lot lately...he is damn funny! I'm glad he keeps my company while I am hacking up a lung all night!
So, anyway....let me know what's going on in the world!!
But, things are getting a little better. K and my sister say that I sound better today, so I believe them. My energy is a bit better too. I think I'm gonna try to work out tomorrow. I haven't worked out in FOREVER! And I dont want to get all fat before I go up to Charlotte (I'm going July 1-5).
So, let's see...what is up in the world? Not too much as far as I know, although I have been a bit out of touch lately. I have been watching Craig Ferguson a lot lately...he is damn funny! I'm glad he keeps my company while I am hacking up a lung all night!
So, anyway....let me know what's going on in the world!!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
Tragic Mistakes
I'm not sure if u guys have heard this story, but its awful. Apparently 5 kids from an Indiana University were on a road trip to Michigan & got in a car accident. 4 of them died and one, Laura, was in a coma for the last 5 weeks. A few days ago, however, they found out that the girl in the coma was NOT Laura. Her name is Whitney. Laura is dead. Whitney's family unknowningly buried her over a month ago.
When I heard this story, I thought I was watching soapnet or something! I mean, seriously, how could this happen? The 2 girls do look very much a like: similar build, same hair color, etc. But how could Laura's family sat next to this comatose girl for 5 weeks and not know it wasn't her?? I don't know if there were severe injuries to her face, and she probably had a lot of tubes and such attached to her. It's just so creepy! Not that I am critical of either family...just in total shock. This story really rocked me. All day long it's been sort of haunting me. How these 2 familes must feel. One who had a funeral and has been mourning the loss of their daughter, sister, friend, etc. And the other who has been caring for & nurturing a stranger while their daughter was dead and buried. I just can't imagine it.
The worst thing I've found about all this is that Laura's family has been keeping a blog. They had been posting about her progress for the last month as they sat with her in the hospital. Only it wasn't her. And all those memories were with someone else's child. Here is the post after they learned the truth: http://lauravanryn.blogspot.com/2006/05/wednesday-may-31-2006-100-pm.html
Clearly these people are religious, and their beliefs seem to be giving them comfort. Which, at this point, anything that gives them comfort is fine with me! (Like, even if they turned to heroin, I'd be like "Rock on with the heroin!" ya know?) How on earth does anyone deal with this?? This is even worse than the mistake that was made with the death of the miners in WV last year, ya know? That only went on for a few hours. This went on for weeks! And the way the mix up was discovered was that when the girl started coming out of the coma & speaking, she didn't seem like Laura. Of course, eventually she said she was Whitney...but before that they checked dental records. Personally, I'm gonna get a tatoo! I'm scared the death of needles...but this is definitely worse.
I know this has been kind of rambling, but this story just wont get out of my mind, ya know? Feel free to leave random, astonished comments.
When I heard this story, I thought I was watching soapnet or something! I mean, seriously, how could this happen? The 2 girls do look very much a like: similar build, same hair color, etc. But how could Laura's family sat next to this comatose girl for 5 weeks and not know it wasn't her?? I don't know if there were severe injuries to her face, and she probably had a lot of tubes and such attached to her. It's just so creepy! Not that I am critical of either family...just in total shock. This story really rocked me. All day long it's been sort of haunting me. How these 2 familes must feel. One who had a funeral and has been mourning the loss of their daughter, sister, friend, etc. And the other who has been caring for & nurturing a stranger while their daughter was dead and buried. I just can't imagine it.
The worst thing I've found about all this is that Laura's family has been keeping a blog. They had been posting about her progress for the last month as they sat with her in the hospital. Only it wasn't her. And all those memories were with someone else's child. Here is the post after they learned the truth: http://lauravanryn.blogspot.com/2006/05/wednesday-may-31-2006-100-pm.html
Clearly these people are religious, and their beliefs seem to be giving them comfort. Which, at this point, anything that gives them comfort is fine with me! (Like, even if they turned to heroin, I'd be like "Rock on with the heroin!" ya know?) How on earth does anyone deal with this?? This is even worse than the mistake that was made with the death of the miners in WV last year, ya know? That only went on for a few hours. This went on for weeks! And the way the mix up was discovered was that when the girl started coming out of the coma & speaking, she didn't seem like Laura. Of course, eventually she said she was Whitney...but before that they checked dental records. Personally, I'm gonna get a tatoo! I'm scared the death of needles...but this is definitely worse.
I know this has been kind of rambling, but this story just wont get out of my mind, ya know? Feel free to leave random, astonished comments.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Solitude
Well, it's official, I'm alone. I'm not whining or anything - it's just a fact. K left this morning, before I went to my 1st bar review class. I'm not sure how I feel. I know I don't feel good. My heart is racing, my tummy is icky, my ears & throat hurt, and I've been sucking down cough drops like a junkie on the pipe! Well, I know that the ears & throat thing are because I smoked TOO DAMN MUCH this weekend! I won't tell you how much, but trust me, it wasn't good!
K paid for me to get tints on my new car, which was so sweet and I am SO excited! Kit is so much prettier now! And not nearly as hot either.
Of course, the weekend was not without drama. K got 2 flat tires & I lost my cell phone (don't worry, I found it!). But, no major catastrophes. Everything was dealt with just fine.
We got along really good all weekend...even thru the drama. That makes me happy. I was really nervous. And, I know it's TMI, but things are getting better in the bedroom. I took a Xanax every night though, but it worked. No nightmares. No panic attacks. And the pain is bearable. We talked about things a bit, but I'm still not very good at that. I have this great speech in my head but when he says "What's wrong?" all I can say is "Nothing baby." It drives me crazy - probably him too! I dunno. There's just nothing I can do about that. But at least it seems that things will get better with time, and that's all I can expect, right?
Anyway, so I started bar review today - I fell asleep!! It was SO awful! And I have a ton of homework, so I'm gonna go do that. More later..
K paid for me to get tints on my new car, which was so sweet and I am SO excited! Kit is so much prettier now! And not nearly as hot either.
Of course, the weekend was not without drama. K got 2 flat tires & I lost my cell phone (don't worry, I found it!). But, no major catastrophes. Everything was dealt with just fine.
We got along really good all weekend...even thru the drama. That makes me happy. I was really nervous. And, I know it's TMI, but things are getting better in the bedroom. I took a Xanax every night though, but it worked. No nightmares. No panic attacks. And the pain is bearable. We talked about things a bit, but I'm still not very good at that. I have this great speech in my head but when he says "What's wrong?" all I can say is "Nothing baby." It drives me crazy - probably him too! I dunno. There's just nothing I can do about that. But at least it seems that things will get better with time, and that's all I can expect, right?
Anyway, so I started bar review today - I fell asleep!! It was SO awful! And I have a ton of homework, so I'm gonna go do that. More later..
Friday, May 26, 2006
MIA
Hello everyone. I know I've been MIA for a bit. Hopefully some of you still check in once in a while!! I am finally moved into the new place completely. Almost all my furniture broke during the move, so I have no dresser, entertainment center, or desk. Which means that my TV is on the floor, and so is my underwear! Oh well.
Mom & sis have been here all week & are leaving in the morning. K should be here tomorrow evening. I am excited & scared - of course. He's gonna be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, which isn't very long but longer than I've ever let a boy stay for consecutively. I'm not worried about getting sick of him - not at all. But I am worried that I won't sleep all weekend, which will be bad because I start my bar review classes on wednesday. See, you all know that I have issues with sleep - nightmares, panic attacks, etc. And so I guess I keep myself awake when he is around so that those things won't happen in front of him, ya know? Even though he's already seen one mild panic attack. I really don't want to be popping my Xanax all weekend, but I may have to. I'm definitely going to take it at least the 1st night.
Anyway, in other news, the visiting with the family went fine. No major disasters - just a few minor tiffs. My mom is really not cool with the whole K situation, but I found out that my sister totally is, which makes me happy. My mom won't even say his name! It's so weird. Of course, I'm also having problems with the new car already. The airbag light is on, the horn doesn't work, and I think the idle is too low. Excellent. I think K will be able to help me fix the horn at least, he could fix everything if I let him, but I'm not going to. If my dad gives me a crappy car, the he needs to pay to fix it! Right? Yep.
My mom actually bought me a new dresser & matching nightstand today - it will be delivered on Monday. That was very cool of her cuzz I really need a place to put my underwear!! Hopefully I can find a new entertainment center this weekend, so that my TV won't have to be on the floor anymore! The desk I'm not so worried about because it's just the top shelf that broke off, so it's still usable for now. Plus, I don't use it all that much anyway. It's basically just a place to keep my printer!! So, I may just take the money I get from the movers insurance and buy something else with it.
Anyway, so that's what has been going on in a nutshell. Essentially everything is fine. Hopefully I will be writing more soon!
Mom & sis have been here all week & are leaving in the morning. K should be here tomorrow evening. I am excited & scared - of course. He's gonna be here until Tuesday or Wednesday, which isn't very long but longer than I've ever let a boy stay for consecutively. I'm not worried about getting sick of him - not at all. But I am worried that I won't sleep all weekend, which will be bad because I start my bar review classes on wednesday. See, you all know that I have issues with sleep - nightmares, panic attacks, etc. And so I guess I keep myself awake when he is around so that those things won't happen in front of him, ya know? Even though he's already seen one mild panic attack. I really don't want to be popping my Xanax all weekend, but I may have to. I'm definitely going to take it at least the 1st night.
Anyway, in other news, the visiting with the family went fine. No major disasters - just a few minor tiffs. My mom is really not cool with the whole K situation, but I found out that my sister totally is, which makes me happy. My mom won't even say his name! It's so weird. Of course, I'm also having problems with the new car already. The airbag light is on, the horn doesn't work, and I think the idle is too low. Excellent. I think K will be able to help me fix the horn at least, he could fix everything if I let him, but I'm not going to. If my dad gives me a crappy car, the he needs to pay to fix it! Right? Yep.
My mom actually bought me a new dresser & matching nightstand today - it will be delivered on Monday. That was very cool of her cuzz I really need a place to put my underwear!! Hopefully I can find a new entertainment center this weekend, so that my TV won't have to be on the floor anymore! The desk I'm not so worried about because it's just the top shelf that broke off, so it's still usable for now. Plus, I don't use it all that much anyway. It's basically just a place to keep my printer!! So, I may just take the money I get from the movers insurance and buy something else with it.
Anyway, so that's what has been going on in a nutshell. Essentially everything is fine. Hopefully I will be writing more soon!
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