6/13/00

My beauty, shadowed
My innocence, broken
The sun
Streamed thru bars
Bounced off windows
I waited
Concentrated on the beauty
Tried to ignore
The obvious
His hands
Were wrapped around my wrists
I wondered how he could
Balance
Afraid he would fall
And crush me
That I would be nothing
When he was done
I heard voices
Tears
Of those I loved
As they watched
Helplessly
I thought of the playground
My cousin’s soccer game
The places I should be
Instead of here
I was afraid the blood
Would stain
That someone would notice
And I’d need a reason
I tried to find a reason
I could see the lawn
Was overgrown
That was his chore
He hadn’t done it today
He had other things on his mind
Taking up his agenda
Me
And as he felt me relaxing
Giving in
I felt him slowing
I heard noises from his mouth
I’d never heard before
I wanted to kiss him
To make them stop
I wanted my choice back
The chance to say “yes”
So there wouldn’t be a fight
The chance to be prepared
But I’d lost
Chose the wrong door
And I felt my life
Seeping out of me
I knew for sure
I had lost my freedom
I bought myself a room
With no doors or windows
Or clean air
A room
Which no one would be willing
To save me from
A room with no beautyAnd no choices

Paging Dr. Banks...

So, I was up late last night and I happened upon the Tyra Banks show. Yeah, I know. But she was talking to teens about sex, so I had to watch. Personally, I am fascinated and perplexed by this country's recent abstinence campaign. Between the time I graduated & my sister started high school, our school district implemented the "abstinence only model" for sex education - which, if you ask me is like the fat free version of a funnel cake, but I digress.

Anyhoo, so I'm watching the Tyra Banks show and Tyra is asking all these teenagers about their sex lives. (She's no Phil McGraw, I'll tell you that much!) A few were virgins, but the majority had been incredibly active. One boy said he got his 1st blow job when he was 10 (does it even work when they're that young??). Now, you all know that I was one of those early bloomers so I am not at all shocked by the general trend. Tyra, however, must have been way too busy nursing her addiction to laxatives when she was a teenager because the entire idea of teen sex seemed to absolutely shock her.

The funniest thing was how she kept saying "when I was a kid" or "in my day" as if she's like 80 fuckin' years old, ya know? Of course the kids' parents were in the audience, shocked by what their kids were revealing. I think it's so funny that all these adults that are telling these kids how their decisions are so irresponsible and can have long lasting effects, are the same adults that signed the kids up and provided transportation for them to air all of their dirtiest secrets on national television. None of these kids will ever be President now.

At the end of the show Tyra discussed how technology is adding a disturbing new aspect to teen sex - apparently, teens are videotaping their sex. Tyra says "In my day, we had cameras, but nobody did that!" Sure Tyra, nobody was videotaping sex when you were a teenager - that's an entirely new concept. Welcome to the 21st Century ya dumb cunt. Sorry, was that out loud?

Honestly, the 1st intelligent thing anybody said on the entire fucking show was in the last 30 seconds. The father of one kid who admitted to having 2 sex partners stood up and said that he lost his virginity at an even younger age and all he cared about was whether his son was using protection. FINALLY!!!! Somebody talks about the REAL risks. Sure pregnancy and bad reputations suck - but AIDS fucking kills. Those kids would know that if the government allowed them to get educated in school!! Grrrr. Luckily, they have good ol' Tyra to light the way for them. Honestly, what would we do without models-turned-reality-show-m.c.s-turned-talk-show-hosts?? I shudder at the thought.

My SJP Moment...

So there I was, 4am Wednesday morning, sitting on the floor of a hotel room in Charlotte, typing an entry in my journal and smoking, while K was sleeping on the other side of the room. Very SJP, I love it! Well, at that point, I was not doing so good. I was feeling pretty crappy: physically, mentally, spiritually, every way possible. I actually went 2 of the 4 nights there without sleep, I sat up typing in my journal, playing around on the internet, and listening to music. Mostly because I just have so much going on in my brain when I'm with him. The 2nd night I even took a Xanax and still couldn't sleep. But now, I'm feeling much better. Although pretty lonely.

The last 5 days in Charlotte went pretty well. Things with his family were fine. I had tons of fun playing with his brother's kids and I got along really well with his cousins. His mom, well, he says she likes me but she definitely scares me a bit. She is very much a person who is used to being in charge and so very quickly started sort of telling me what to do. I don't deal well with that. So, hopefully that will change overtime. She'll start to realize that I am not her kid and I will be less offended by the demands. But, like I said, K says she really likes me, so that's good.

As far as the two of us, I think it was a good visit over all. I miss him so much already. I got used to being next to him practically 24 hrs/day and it sucks that I won't see him again until probably the end of August. And maybe not even then, maybe not until the end of September! That is a long time away.

He's really trying hard to find a job that will bring him down here more often. It's hard for me because of course I really want him to be here all the time, but I also don't want him changing his whole life around just for me. But I'm having a hard time not being selfish with this whole thing. He says he's gonna tell his job that he wants them to send him to Florida more and I know I should say "It's okay baby, do your job, I don't mind." But I don't say that because I want him here. Christ, sometimes I just want him to quit his job & be here all the time. Of course I don't really want him to do that. I'm so proud of him that he has taken such good care of himself all this time and that he has such a good job that pays good money, I certainly don't want him to be unemployed living off of me like every other loser I've ever dated. I just want him here though.

So, anyway, as far as what we did over the last five days, I spent a lot of time watching him & his family fish. That was fine though cuzz I hung out with his one cousin, A, who is totally cool. He's only 17 but we had a lot of fun hanging out together & stealing K's car once in a while! LOL We also went to the mall (although not nearly long enough!), went to a BBQ at some rich guy's house, and saw Superman Returns. But a lot of our time we were just hanging out at his brother's house or running errands. It really didn't matter what we did, I was just happy to see him and be with him.

The funniest thing about the whole weekend was the fact that his family just can't believe how much I stand up to him. I mean, on the one hand I do take care of him to a certain extent, but he takes care of me too. But at the same time, I do NOT respond to orders from him at all. If he wants something from me he needs to ask nicely or I tell him to fuck off. The 1st time his mom heard me tell him that she was shocked! Definitely impressed, but still shocked. I even had him saying Please & Thank You to the kids, which totally shocked his family too. It's so funny. I guess that's one of my favorite things about my relationship with him - the fact that I know his secrets. Like I know that as tough as he pretends to be, nothing scares him more than being alone. So he can be all angry and mean acting, but in the end he's going to do whatever he has to do for me because he doesn't want me to leave. It's too cute.

Anyway, so mission accomplished. No major tragedies. We're still waiting for everything to get done with the house. That is definitely stressing him out. Also he can't get his computer to work, so his wireless isn't working which is really bad because he needs it while he's on the road. Hopefully this will all get fixed in the next day or two so he can get back on the road with no problems. As for me...back to bar review!!! YUCK!

Today

So I'm supposed to go to go see K tomorrow. He was supposed to be closing on his new house today - that didn't work out so well. Actually, I dunno, it could be happening right now. Except that, if it was, that would be good news & he probably would have called me with good news. I haven't heard from him in over 2 hours, so I can't imagine it's good news.

The problem is, that if he doesn't close on the house today he'll have to wait until Monday & I will have no place to stay until then, so we'll have to get a hotel room. Honestly, I am fine with that. I would just put it on my mom's credit card & pay her back later. But, he won't let me do that, he'll want to pay. And I don't want him to pay because he has been spending a lot of money lately and I really don't think he can afford that right now. Luckily, hotels in the area are really cheap so it won't be so bad, but still...

The only good thing, is that he has been so good with me today. I mean, he's of course really pissed & frustrated because the lawyers and brokers screwed things up. So, he's swearing and yelling and everything & then in the middle of a sentence he stops & in the sweetest voice says "But I love you." He did that like 3 times in 20 minutes. It was really sweet. He wants me to know that he's not mad at me, ya know? And I think that's probably why he hasn't called, cuzz he doesnt want to take his anger out on me, which is a huge step in the right direction. Anyone who knows him knows that he has a bit of a temper (sense the sarcasm), and even though I know he's not mad at me, sometimes it's scary to listen to over the phone. In person it's easier actually, I just stand in front of him and say "Stop." It always works, ever since we were kids. He has to look in my eyes and breathe and know that if he doesn't calm down I could get hurt, so he stops. I know it's strange, but that's how I fell in love with him - the 1st time we did that little dance. It made me see inside him. Yeah, he can be scary - he's a big guy and he gets real loud and real angry - but mostly he is just a really amazing person and I can feel his soul just by looking in his eyes. The 1st time I did that I really thought we were connected in an extraordinary way, ya know? Nobody else dared to get that close to him when he was angry, and most people who saw me do it thought I was freakin' nuts, but I didn't think twice. I knew he wouldn't hurt me, and I wanted to stop him from hurting himself by doing something he'd regret. So, I stood in front of him & I didn't move. And he let me. I knew then that it meant something. But we were so young, and when nothing happened by the time we graduated I figured that was that. Who could've guessed that all these years later I'd be standing in front of him again? I can't wait until tomorrow when I actually can. He hasn't felt the stare in a while, I think it'll do him some good. ;-)

We Were On A Break

I'm watching Friends...the episode when Rachel finds out that Ross slept with the girl from the copy shop. Hence, the title. I know it's morbid, but this is my 2nd favorite episode (the 1st is when they say "Mrs. Chanandaler Bong"! That is SO FUNNY!). Anyway, the whole conversation, when Ross & Rachel are in the apartment and everyone is hiding in Monica's bedroom, is just so intense and so sad. Cheating is such a horrible thing. It tears you up in a way that changes you forever.

Now, in this situation, I agree that they were on a break. So this wasn't technically cheating. But still, I know why her heart was broken. The night of the break up, she's at home crying and missing him and torn up inside, while he was fucking the copy shop girl. It is just so cold and heartless. Maybe it was revenge, because she hurt him. I can see that. But I can also see how she just can't get past it. She can't get those images out of her head. She can't help wondering what he was thinking when he was with her, how he felt, what he said to her. She can't lay in his bed without thinking of him with her. She can't hold his hand or fall asleep in his arms without feeling dirty. It's hard enough to deal with all the women that came before you when you fall in love with someone, but to deal with someone that was there yesterday, when you were there two yesterdays ago, and he wants you to be there today...it's just too much.

And I can also see him, and how he feels. That he is so afraid, and he does love her but he thought she left him. And he was angry and scared and he wanted revenge, so he slept with the copy shop girl. Of course he would've rather spent that night with Rachel, but she kicked him out. And she had good reason to kick him out - he was being an asshole. But he is right, they were on a break. If she wasn't done with him, she shouldn't have said that. She shouldn't have let him go if she still wanted his faithfulness. He never would have done what he did if he knew what the consequences would be. This wasn't the typical cheating situation. He thought he had lost her. And yes, he should have fought harder to keep her and shouldn't have turned to someone new so quickly, but I do kind of get it. As much as I don't like sex, I've definitely had revenge sex, and it's just because you are so hurt that you don't know what to do. You think you can hurt them the worst way possible, and you do, but you also hurt yourself. It's awful.

Having said all that though, had there not been a break, cheating is an unforgiveable sin. I don't care what anybody says. You don't cheat "by mistake." I've hooked up with, kissed, and/or slept with a LOT of people in my life and it never happened by mistake. We always knew what we were doing. Nobody tripped and fell. Maybe sometimes there is intoxication, but that is no excuse. Maybe you can't drive a car, but you still can control who you touch, I don't care how drunk/high you are. And if you can't, then you have no business being that drunk/high in the 1st place. And you don't cheat on somebody you love. If you really loved a person, you wouldn't want to cheat on them. It wouldn't be a sacrifice not to be with someone else, because you would love the person you're with enough that they are who you want. Otherwise, you are just deluding yourself. That "you always hurt the ones you love" thing is crap. If you love a person, you do everything you can not to hurt them. You protect them from other people who hurt them. You know what things will hurt them and you don't do those things. That is how you treat people you love. If you don't, then you really don't love that person. You may think you do - but you don't. At least not yet. And once you really do love someone, you will know that this is the truth.

And that's all I have for now.

Skeletons In My Closet

So, as u know the 'rents are getting divorced & moving out of the homestead. It's a big event. Hard to believe I may never be back in that house again. Never again see the bedroom I spent so many nights in. I wish I had time to venture up north for one last goodbye, ya know?

Anyway, my mom has been packing up my things and sent me a box of stuff that she thought I might want with me. Everything else is in my grandparents' attic until I rescue it (can anybody say "Road Trip!"??) So, this box was full of treasures. Mostly poems & stories that I had written. I used to keep a composition book with me at all times. I wrote so much it was like a disease. Reading that all again has been an amazing experience.

I think the most amazing thing is when I find something that I don't remember writing back then, but that still totally represents how I feel today. Like, I found quite a few things about how much I hate my father - I could've written those like yesterday! Then there are things that I completely do not remember writing, but that are still beautiful to me. Maybe I'm not the best judge of good writing, but I think some of the stuff is actually really good. Don't fret, I'm sure I'll be posting some of it, so you all can tell me what YOU think!!!

Of course, it's not all good. Some stuff is just terrible. And some is so sad. So much is about ex-boyfriends of course. And, for the most part, I remember those feelings. I remember the sadness and anger and love, but I don't remember the desperation. Perhaps because I never saw it as desperation then. So many times I wrote that I was nothing without "him" - whoever the "him" happened to be at the time. I wrote about times when they cheated on me, or lied to me, or deserted me, or hit me, or even just made me feel rotten. But I never wrote that I would be better off without them. In fact, there are plenty of times when I turned the blame around on myself - essentially saying that I deserved what I got. That I must have hurt them or not been good enough for them and this was my punishment, and that I was sorry.

The whole experience has been so...forensic! Like conducting an autopsy of my own mental illness. I can remember the experiences and see them from an objective standpoint and then I hear my words from the past, so trapped in those delusions. It's just unbelievable to me. And the worst part is that, at the time, I didn't even know anything was wrong. I didn't think, even for a second, that there was anything even unusual about how I felt. I thought I was completely rational. That is scary. Not only retrospectively, but in the now. Would I know now if I was losing it again? Will I know in the future? Will I listen if someone tells me? I didn't listen then.

I guess all I can do is hope that I really am better now. Hope that my brain is better and that I have learned from my experiences. And keep writing things down, so that the investigation is ongoing and none of the clues will be overlooked. When the enemy lives inside you, you can't ever let your guard down.

So....um....yeah.

My mom & dad are officially getting divorce. This is a good thing.

My dad & I are not speaking again. This is also a good thing (especially since it happened right before Father's Day so I didn't have to deal with that shit!).

K and I seem to be doing well. I think I have appropriately communicated to him that I will not put up with anymore bullshit. I'm not the only one who is gonna make compromises in this relationship and I am not going to be afraid anymore. My life kicked ass without him in it, and if he makes this hard, he's gone. Since then, things have been perfect. No fighting, no fear. Just normal again. It's nice.

So, that means that I have sort of defined this for myself. I have always equated love with war and I thought maybe I had been wrong in the past. I wasn't. It's very much about strategy and not exposing too much to attack. I have decided exactly how much I can afford to lose, and I have set up those lines. There are certain things that I can expose and certain things I need to protect, and that is perfectly fine. Each of my friends has different parts of me, and to different extents, and this relationship will be measured in the same way. I can get what I want without giving up too much, and making sure I'm not the only one giving up.

So, it's not the most romantic view, I suppose. But, it's the truth. And I feel better. Things are all sort of where they should be. CJ's world is in balance. Isn't that nice?