Visitation

So my friend Chelle has been visiting me for the last few days. She got here on Wed night. On Thursday I left work at lunch time and we went to St. Petersburg. We hung out on the beach, watched the sun set and got some ice cream. It was nice. We drove out there in a mustang convertible that she rented, so that was neat.

Yesterday we went to sea world. I had never been there before. It was okay. The Sea Lion show was GREAT, very funny, and I got to see manatees, so I was happy. But it was a very hot, very expensive day. The good thing is I bought an annual pass (they are so cheap it's stupid not to as a FL resident), so I can go see manatees whenever I want! And that makes me happy. The shamu show was so corny it was painful - too much about people, not enough about the animals. They also had this mini cirque du soleil kind of show called Odyssea. It was cool, but I am spoiled by the very impressive aerial dance shows I saw while living in Athens. So even cirque didn't overwhelm me. But still, I am glad to have gone to sea world, it's something I should do while I live here. Plus, MANATEES!!!!!! Yay! I will go back and visit them.

Today kinda sucked cuz it was raining EVERYWHERE! We drove to Daytona, but couldn't be on the beach really. So we went to a few souvenir shops and then the rain stopped and we walked along the beach a bit. We ordered chinese food for dinner and watched a movie called "Lone Star State of Mind" which was pretty funny. I am SO exhausted! So I will be going to bed now. Not sure what we will be doing tomorrow...hopefully less rain.

Today's Lesson

Whenever I hang out with one of my girlfriends, I remember all the reasons why I appreciate K. He lets me be me. He isn't controlling. He trusts me. My happiness makes him happy. He is responsible and he rarely drinks. He lets me into his heart and mind, and tells me things he can barely admit to himself. He worries about me when I'm sick just as much as my mother does. He doesn't care how much I weigh or how I dress, he thinks I'm beautiful anyway. He touches my face and tucks my hair behind my ears, and just looks at me. He is there for me at 2am when I have a nightmare or just can't sleep. He calls to apologize when he's wrong. He just loves me, and when I need to I can feel it around me like a big comfy sweatshirt.

I know that things have been hard for the last month. But they are so much better. I really think I just needed to hear him say some things out loud. I didn't trust my own heart enough to believe what I felt was really there. But I do now. I feel better, I think he does too. And I think we are gonna be okay. I'm glad that we are both stubborn enough to not walk away at the 1st sign of trouble. I'm glad we both thought we were worth fighting for. I hope we were right. Tonite, it feels like we were.

Funny Stuff

Yesterday on the way to work I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about an incident in Macon, GA where a Deputy Sheriff shot and killed a pig that he thought was wild, but turned out to be someone's pet. The family that owned the pig said that he was playful, friendly, and had a lot of personality. The DJ said "Apparently, he was a real ham." HAHA!!!! I can't stop laughing about that. I know, I'm a loser. Here's a link to the story:

http://www.newsone.ca/piercelandherald/stories/index.php?action=fullnews&id=29610

Hannibal Rising

So, I watched that movie this weekend. I was kind of disappointed. Certainly, the story was interesting. But the film was very dark & intense, sometimes hard to follow. It was very gory, but I think the gore was necessary to the character development....not just shock value like in Hannibal. But the real disappointment was that it almost went TOO far back. I wanted this movie to end where Red Dragon began, with Hannibal's arrest. Instead, it began when he was a small child and ended when he was about 25. Also, the story doesn't completely make sense with his later pathology. Using this background, at some point Hannibal goes from a revenge killer to someone who kills just for pleasure, and we don't know why. It's easy to see why he enjoyed the revenge killings...but what made him switch to "innocent" victims? How did he choose his later vics? There are a lot of questions left unanswered. Like I said, the story was good, but Red Dragon & Silence of the Lambs are still the best in the series.

12 Hours Together

K was here last night, just passing through, but I think it was good for us. To be in the same room, just us, after everything that has been going on. I feel a lot better. I'm not sure why, but I guess things finally felt back to normal. We actually had fun and laughed together. We didn't fight about anything. Things just felt right again. So, hopefully we are past all the things that have happened over the last month. He left at 8:30 this morning, and then I went to starbucks and publix and came home and took a nap. I started reading Harry Potter yesterday, but I haven't really made a dent in it. I will read more later, and then take it to work. I should have PLENTY of time there! Hope everyone else had a good weekend too!

Take Two

Last night I had a nightmare about E. I woke up and I was crying all morning, thinking that what happened in my dream could easily happen in real life. So, I just called K and told him how sad I was, and that I have been sad for 3 weeks, and I can't take it anymore. He said he doesnt want me to be sad, and he hates the idea of him making me sad. So I told him that I cant face a lifetime of E. I feel like she is a constant threat, and will be for the rest of our lives. I said everytime we fight I worry that she will be my punishment. And he said no, that is how he used to be, but he has never loved anyone as much as me and he wouldn't do that to me. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone but me, and I am his best friend. He said that to him, she is nothing so he doesn't see how I can worry. So then, we are talking & I am crying and out of nowhere he says "I won't talk to her anymore. Okay? Does that fix it? Will u be happier then?" And I said "Well, I never asked for you to cut her out completely..." and he says "I know, but I will. I don't want to lose you. So I will get rid of her." So, I told him that I will try to move on from this then. I don't know if I can, but I will try. He says he just loves me and wants me to be happy, and if I am not happy with him then I should leave, but he doesn't want me to. So, I told him I won't leave. We will try to get better and move on and just see what happens. So that's where we are now.

Truce

So yesterday I essentially spent the whole day fighting with K. A few times I thought we broke up, but at the end of the night we called a truce. I said that we both had said what we had to say and we were just repeating things. I know how he feels, he knows how I feel, and all we can do is try to do better in the future. The problem is, I think I felt better when I thought we were broken up than I feel now. I mean, life is just easier on my own, ya know? And I feel like breaking up is punishing him, and he doesn't deserve to be punished. But I just don't know if we can ever go back to when we were happy. Back to before all of the hurt started. I know that he is very sorry for some of the things he has done and said, and I know that he did them without really thinking. But they still hurt me and I can't forget them. I am trying to convince myself to hang on a little longer to see how things go, but the problem is I end up waiting until we see each other and we may not see each other again until October. That is a lot of hanging on.

He says he didn't cheat on me, that he bought the condoms for A, which A will neither confirm nor deny in that he is not responding to my email. I told K that I believe him that he didn't cheat, though I don't know if I really do. Everyone says he wouldn't do that, but how can I be sure? He says that he is not attracted to E at all anymore, and that I am 100% more important to him than she is. I told him he needs to prove that to me. I am sick of him hiding me from her. When we are together and someone calls him, he's always like "Let me call you back, I'm with my baby." Except when E calls, then he is "going into a store" or "working on a radio" or "watching a movie" and he will call her back. He never tells her I am there. I said it makes me feel like the other woman. It breaks my heart. He says he is sorry and he won't do that anymore. He says he wont answer the phone if she calls while he is talking to me. And I said fine. We will see how that goes. I said he has to stop using her to threaten me. He says then I have to stop telling him to go sleep with other people. So then we get into the sex issue.

He wants me to go back to a shrink. But the problem is, I don't really want to anymore. I feel like he just wants me to be weaker. Like if by some miracle I start to like sex, and I start to want it, then that is something new that he can use against me. And it may keep me from leaving if it's something I want that I can't get elsewhere, ya know? And I feel like I go to these Drs and talk for an hour and it's all in an effort to make him feel better. Why? What is he doing to make me feel better? Maybe he should go to a shrink and find out why he is so addicted to sex. Maybe he should go and find out why he lets people treat him like shit over and over again with no consequences. Maybe he should find out why he treats the person who loves him most the worst. I dunno, it just makes me bitter. I don't want to go to a shrink, I just don't. I like who I am and I don't want to be fixed.

We also argued about his family. I don't feel like getting into all that again, but ultimately I won that argument. So, I dunno. I haven't really talked to him today. I think I am gonna try calling him less, maybe a bit of a break will make things better. Maybe it will at least help me decide whether it's worth staying in this relationship or not.