Truce

So yesterday I essentially spent the whole day fighting with K. A few times I thought we broke up, but at the end of the night we called a truce. I said that we both had said what we had to say and we were just repeating things. I know how he feels, he knows how I feel, and all we can do is try to do better in the future. The problem is, I think I felt better when I thought we were broken up than I feel now. I mean, life is just easier on my own, ya know? And I feel like breaking up is punishing him, and he doesn't deserve to be punished. But I just don't know if we can ever go back to when we were happy. Back to before all of the hurt started. I know that he is very sorry for some of the things he has done and said, and I know that he did them without really thinking. But they still hurt me and I can't forget them. I am trying to convince myself to hang on a little longer to see how things go, but the problem is I end up waiting until we see each other and we may not see each other again until October. That is a lot of hanging on.

He says he didn't cheat on me, that he bought the condoms for A, which A will neither confirm nor deny in that he is not responding to my email. I told K that I believe him that he didn't cheat, though I don't know if I really do. Everyone says he wouldn't do that, but how can I be sure? He says that he is not attracted to E at all anymore, and that I am 100% more important to him than she is. I told him he needs to prove that to me. I am sick of him hiding me from her. When we are together and someone calls him, he's always like "Let me call you back, I'm with my baby." Except when E calls, then he is "going into a store" or "working on a radio" or "watching a movie" and he will call her back. He never tells her I am there. I said it makes me feel like the other woman. It breaks my heart. He says he is sorry and he won't do that anymore. He says he wont answer the phone if she calls while he is talking to me. And I said fine. We will see how that goes. I said he has to stop using her to threaten me. He says then I have to stop telling him to go sleep with other people. So then we get into the sex issue.

He wants me to go back to a shrink. But the problem is, I don't really want to anymore. I feel like he just wants me to be weaker. Like if by some miracle I start to like sex, and I start to want it, then that is something new that he can use against me. And it may keep me from leaving if it's something I want that I can't get elsewhere, ya know? And I feel like I go to these Drs and talk for an hour and it's all in an effort to make him feel better. Why? What is he doing to make me feel better? Maybe he should go to a shrink and find out why he is so addicted to sex. Maybe he should go and find out why he lets people treat him like shit over and over again with no consequences. Maybe he should find out why he treats the person who loves him most the worst. I dunno, it just makes me bitter. I don't want to go to a shrink, I just don't. I like who I am and I don't want to be fixed.

We also argued about his family. I don't feel like getting into all that again, but ultimately I won that argument. So, I dunno. I haven't really talked to him today. I think I am gonna try calling him less, maybe a bit of a break will make things better. Maybe it will at least help me decide whether it's worth staying in this relationship or not.