It's Been A While..

Hello Everyone. Things have been CRAZY with all the driving, packing, and planning lately. So the blog has been a bit neglected. I apologize. But luckily, my life has not been without drama! So never fear...

First of all, I lost another 5 pounds. Very exciting. I celebrated by going out to lunch. LOL

In other news, things with the new b/f are, um, weird. I dunno. I mean, we're fine , I guess. But I just don't know how to handle certain things (read: sex). I mean, obviously, he's a boy so sex is a big deal for him. And because we see each other, like, NEVER, we end up having to talk about things over the phone that I would rather not. But there is little choice. So, he'll make some perverted joke and I will say "Ew" as always, and then he wants to know why? Why does sex gross me out? What kinds of things bother me? And I really just can't talk about it. It occurred to me that, to him, sex has always been fun. It's never scared him or hurt him, it's never been a business transaction to him. He just likes it. And I never have. But, unfortunately, if I tell him that, it's gonna create all kinds of issues, ya know? Because I know he won't want me to fake it for him, and he won't really want to make me do anything I don't want to do (although he probably will anyway - they all do). So, I spend a lot of time just going silent. Because I really can't answer his questions. I can talk about all this stuff with my friends (both boys & girls), cuzz it has no effect on our relationship. But with him, I just want to keep quiet about it & try to relearn all the things I taught myself to get thru sex before. Ya know, like the whole "leave your body, pretend you are somewhere else, it will be over soon" technique. I thought I would never forget how to do that, but I found out that I have. So I have to relearn it. This could be a process.

Also, there are issues with my sister. She is mad at me. She hasn't said it, but I can tell. Every time I mention K, she gets silent. I know she is just so disappointed in me. So, I'm trying not to talk about him to her, but it's hard cuzz she has been my best friend for so long. It's hard not to be able to talk to her about this stuff. And so last night, I told K all of this, and then he got really upset that she hates him and that he is ruining my relationship with my family, etc. And then I ended up having to make him feel better. So then I realize, I can't talk to her about him OR talk to him about her, and that made me cry. And he said, no I can talk about her to him, but as soon as he realized I was crying he changed the subject. So, not so much. But it was really late at night, and he was half asleep, so maybe he just didn't want to talk about anything too serious while he wasn't fully attentive. At least, that's the lie I'm telling myself today. I dunno. I wish this was all easier. See? This is why I was celibate for 6 years.

Anyway, back to packing. I'm almost done. Only 2 more nights in this apartment! Then 4 days in a hotel and then into my new home! If you don't hear from me for a while, try not to worry! I am simply in transition!