What Is Love?

We had part of a sort of deep conversation today.

K: I love you deep down in my soul. I love you so much it upsets me.
M: Why does it upset u?
K: Cuz I know u don’t love me as much, you have all sorts of stipulations on your love
M: So you have no conditions on your love? You just love me no matter what I do?
K: Yes, I do.
M: So if I cheated on you, stole from you, told everyone your business, lied to you and gave you herpes, you’d still love me?
K: Yes
M: You’re so lying
K: No, I would
M: Why? Wouldn’t I be a completely different person then?
K: No
M: If I did all those things I would be completely different than the person I am now
K: But I would know that deep down you would still love me
M: Really?
K: Yeah, I know you would
M: Well, see I don’t know what to believe. Because once before u told me all of this stuff & said u still loved [your ex], but now u deny it all the time
K: Well, because when u say love you mean LOVE, I just love her as a friend
M: Oh, so one day u might love me as a friend?
K: No
M: Oh, so I’m different than [your ex]?
K: Yes, u are

The he got another call & said he would call me right back. By the time he did I had left to get my blood drawn so we couldn’t finish the conversation, even tho I wanted to. I wanted to say if he says he loves me b/c I’m kind, loving, sweet, etc. BUT he would still love me even if I was none of those things – then those aren’t really the reasons he loves me. so what does he love? This body? This name? It makes no sense. My “stipulation” is that u don’t treat me like shit – if u do, then u aren’t who I thought u were, and I was in love with an idea that didn’t exist – I cant guarantee that I will be in love with this new reality. I’m sorry if that’s not good enough, but its all I have. I love me more than I love him, that doesn’t mean I don’t love him, just that I cant give up everything that is me. Before the above conversation he said that he would die for me, and I would for him…but I wont let him kill me, that is not the same. He said he would go to prison for me – but would he stay out for me? Would he stay alive for me? Would he take care of his body for me? (he is trying to quit smoking again, but not very hard – plus he’s going home this weekend so I know how that goes.) Would he read 1500 words for me? (No) would he shut off the TV for me for more than 10 minutes? (No) What is his unconditional love worth if it doesn’t mean that he will make sacrifices for me? Not even tiny ones? I believe him that he feels love for me, I believe that he thinks about me and likes having me near him…but I don’t always know why. And even with all that love, that I don’t question, there are still so many issues. Sex, honesty, his ex, respect…I just don’t know. I try so hard to remember all the good stuff, all of the sweet things he does & says – but should I have to try so hard? Shouldn’t they be recent enuff that the memories are fresh? But I know that I am colder now than I used to be, after all these years and all the things that have happened, I have to be. I know I'm not romantic at all, and he is. I'm not very affectionate either. I just feel like all those things are silly. Love isn't about hugs & kisses, it's not about whispering sweet nothings in someone's ear. It's about making an effort to help someone when the need it, to make someone happy when they're not, to be their cheerleader and their back-up. It's about making the tough choices and the big sacrifices. And that's why I don't care about the little shit. I don't care nearly as much as I thought I would that he doesn't read my emails. I don't care who he has sex with, or who he talks to, or how often he comes to see me. I care that he's there for me when it's tough, and proud of me when I succeed. I care that he doesn't say anything about me when I'm gone that he wouldn't say to my face. I care that he doesn't lie to me. I give him as much love as I can, as much as I have. I guess if that's not good enough, that is his problem. He'll just have to decide how much it bothers him.