The Big Two-Seven

So, today is my birthday. And it was a pretty good day. I got lots of phone calls, visitors, e-cards, and myspace messages...along with some very sweet & thoughtful gifts. Once again, tons of reminders of what fabulous friends I have.

I was asked today what my dream was growing up. Truly, when I was young and I pictured myself grown-up, I pictured me living in my own apartment, decorated in black & purple, with long hair, and working as a lawyer. And, oddly enough, that dream has come true. The only difference is that I expected to be in a big city like New York, DC or Chicago - but that was before I realized how much I like the sun! It is absolutely amazing to me. I wonder how I got so lucky. And, sometimes, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

My mom says that this is karma. I went through terrible things when I was younger, and now I am reaping the benefits of all that suffering and sadness. She says that I earned these things by powering through all of that and doing good things for other people along the way. I try very hard to believe that.

But then there is that part of me that has never believed I would live to see old age. I've always felt like someone who was meant to die at an early age, like there was some tragedy looming at the end of this tunnel. And for most of my life I was okay with that. I was never afraid of death, in fact for a lot of years, I welcomed it. But now, with so many good things happening, and so much in my future, it scares me. Yesterday I had to have a biopsy, and it really shook me. Literally, I was shaking uncontrollably all day. And today, I woke up and thought "It's my birthday - my last birthday." I know that's dramatic and highly unlikely, but it was just my 1st thought, and it scares me. I won't get the results of the tests until April 5th, it is going to be a VERY long 3 weeks. I wish I didn't have such a pessimistic feeling toward this, but it just scared me more than I expected. I felt like, this is the story you always hear. "She was living her dream" or "She was just beginning a promising career" and then her life was snuffed out by whatever. Murder, cancer, aneurysm. I don't want to be one of those girls. I want to keep going, to live my life for a long time. And I also worry, if this is bad news, what do I do next? I have to keep working, to keep my health insurance. But what if I'm still sick when this job ends? What firm will hire me if I have cancer? And I won't be able to get insurance again. So, if I am sick, if this is bad, it's best if I die rather than survive - because I won't be able to take care of myself. K says he will take care of me no matter what, but I don't want that. It's better to burn out than to fade away, and if I am sick I refuse to be taken care of. If I can't take care of myself, I will quietly slip away in the night...I will make the people who love me deal with any illness. So, if it is bad news, maybe this would be my last birthday. Maybe not. I know, I should just be happy and celebrate my birthday. But, the stresses of yesterday are still tugging at the back of my brain.

So, anyway, hopefully next year I will be writing about happier things - hopefully it will all be fine. For now, I will try to take comfort in the fact that, at the very least, I did make my dreams come true - and that's really all anyone can ask for.