So, K will be here on Friday. Yesterday I was so stressed that I cried on my way into work. It’s the usual stuff, but also that this time we are having a “get together” with my friends from work. This has me stressed to the max. Every time my mom brings it up I get sick to my stomach. I am worried about everything: What if nobody shows? How much food should I order? What should I order? Where do I get it from? What about drinks? Snacks? Dessert? Music? Will K behave himself? Will he even show up with decent clothes? Will he be rude to my friends? Will he get drunk? I know that most of these worries are nonsense, but I can’t help it. I think that this particular event is making me more nervous than usual because I feel the need to impress these people. They are all very good at hosting things, and they are generally higher class than K and I. I know they are used to me, and if they didn’t like that aspect of my personality they wouldn’t be my friends, but still it makes me nervous. I set the starting time at 7, which means I will start sweating by 6:45 worrying that nobody will show up. Then people will arrive “casually late” and make me more nervous. I tried hard to think of a way to make this less stressful - like having everyone meet out somewhere. But then I have to pick the place, and everyone has to spend money, and it’s hard to talk in a noisy public place. So, I decided that it would be no less stressful. Ugh. I will be glad when it is Sunday! LOL
Then, of course, there is just the normal stress of K’s weekend home. I am trying to be less freaked out, but it’s not really something I can control. We verged on a sex argument last night but he stopped it. I was glad about that. I haven’t been able to find my 15 minutes a day, so no relaxation exercises. I started looking for some meditation music, but it is very hard to find and not very cheap! Although, I guess the 20 bucks is worth it if it helps me. As always though, there is that part of me that doesn’t want to get better. I like who I am and I don’t want to change. Plus, I don’t necessarily want to find out that I cant get better. It’s like smoking: you always say “I could quit if I wanted” but then you try & find out you can’t and that is devastating - even though you didn’t really WANT to quit in the 1st place. It’s that confirmation that I have no control, or no choice, that is what I fear.
He says “You act like I wanna molest you or something.” and I said “You do.” and he says “No, molesting is against your will. I don’t want to force you to do anything.” But, yes he does. I mean, maybe he doesn’t want to beat me or put a gun to my head, but he knows I don’t want to do these things and he wants me to do them anyway. It’s no secret, I never lied. So what do you call that? Even if the ultimatum is not explicit, it’s implied: do this or else. I don’t want to know what the or else is. Best case scenario is it’s him leaving me. Worst case is violence. I don’t want to know. In the past, when I have tested the boundaries, I have always found out horrible things about men I wanted to love. I think I’d rather be ignorant. The other day I realized that I have never been in a relationship where I wasn’t cheated on. And only 1 where there wasn’t violence (and that was a LONG time ago). I guess I find those things to be inevitable...maybe I shouldn’t put them off. Maybe I should push all the limits now and see what happens. Rather than waiting until I’ve risked too much. Who knows. Here's to surviving the weekend.
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"I've got better things to do than survive."
3 comments:
Try to focus on what you can control--food, music, and drinks! It sounds like fun, and I am sure that people will have a good time and enjoy themselves. You are a great hostess and planner for monkey and school events, so I know everything will work out just right if you are in charge of it!
I hope that the rest of your weekend is less stressful than anticipated, as well. And guess what? Amtrak from me to you is like $50 one-way, and not all that much more time. I am already planning.
(((cj)))
If I was in Orlando, I'd come at 6:30 and help you set up!! I know it's going to be a great party and lots of fun. I hate throwing parties because I always stress about how it won't be any fun! But how could anyone not have fun with you? Inconcievable!
BTW, you never know what kind of person you will become when you try something life-changing. For a long time, I accepted myself as a failure and let it define who I was. I thought if I changed things, it wouldn't be "me" anymore. I still kind of feel like that. But I am the same person, just improved. Jocelyn 2.0.
I will always, ALWAYS be surprised that I had the capacity to improve myself like this. I never, ever thought I had it in me to be thin(ner). I think you will surprise yourself with what an amazing person you are and how strong and awesome you can be. I know it! I believe! :)
It sounds to me like the people who are coming over are losers, and if they don't have a good time, you're probably doing something right. Besides, they probably just want to talk about
Rooker-Feldman all night, anyway, so the food and background music will be irrelevant to them.
I know for me, most of my friends show up to every party in stained clothes, and then proceed to misbehave and get drunk, though not necessarily in that order. So for me, that would just make the party funner.
I read about a good potential relaxation technique which I will email you with tomorrow, if I can find it. It only takes like 5 minutes, and it is supposed to not only relax you, but give you more energy.
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