The Mystery of Sleep

I haven’t been sleeping lately. Well, that’s not entirely true, I have been sleeping from like 3am to 5am. This is unusual for me because I’m usually in bed by 10 and asleep by 11…but lately I just can’t get to sleep. Then, when I finally do, I wake up in terror shortly afterwards, afraid that there is someone in my apartment or even in my room. I open my eyes, look around, realize that I am here in GA (safe in my own apartment and not in any of the other places I’ve lived before), and then breathe a sigh of relief. But I still get up and check that the doors are locked and that nobody is lurking around.

I’ve been having nightmares for a long time. Honestly, I think I have had one every night for at least the last 3 years or so. I’ve never understood why, because truly I am happy in my life and generally not afraid of crime or anything like that during the waking hours. But when I’m asleep my brain goes crazy and I never knew why, until today. It occurred to me that soldiers with PTSD lose it when they hear anything that sounds like a gun shot because their PTSD developed due to the trauma of war. And, as ridiculous as it sounds, my PTSD developed because of a trauma that occurred while I was sleeping, so sleep to me is like car backfiring to a soldier…it takes me back there. I only wonder when I will be able to achieve sleep without going back to that night, if I will ever be able to do that. I knew that many things had been taken from me in my lifetime, it wasn’t until today that I realized someone had actually stolen my dreams. And I want them back.

Sleep is like a fever and I’m glad when it ends. ~ Ani Difranco