Saturday, December 31, 2005

Reunited

The last 2 nights I have been hanging out with people I went to high school with...actually Tuesday too, so 3 out of the last 4 nights. Some of them are people I stayed in regular contact with, like S, some I saw last Xmas, and some I haven't seen for many years! I have to say it has been interesting. Everyone is doing fine, no big juicy revelations or anything. It's just a weird feeling being around these people again. The major thing I find myself thinking about is what these people will say about me when they go home. I try to be very realistic about myself, I definitely recognize that I have flaws. Altho, most of them are things I know other people see as flaws, but I see as positive attributes. Anyhoo...I think that most people would complain about my ego. I suppose they would say things like "She always has to be the center of attention." or "She thinks she's so smart/special/perfect." or maybe "She's total white trash." and probably "She's gained a lot of weight." But still, those are only guesses. I really wish I knew. Not that I would change my behavior...but I'm just curious. Ya know? Hey, if any of you know what people say when I leave the room, let me know! I promise I won't be mad!! I actually am interested, in a sociological-experiment kind of way.

The one thing I did feel these past couple nights is total freedom. These are people that I know. The good, the bad, the ugly....we know tons about each other. So, not only can I totally be myself, I know exactly what to expect from them. I pretty much know who I can trust & to what extent, and how they will behave & talk, etc. True we have changed in the last 10 years, but our cores are still the same...they always will be. It's hard for me sometimes because people that I have met since I went away to college don't think of me as a "fun" person...but I really am. I know I don't drink & I go to bed early most days...but I am completely capable of being the life of the party. I used to go to clubs & parties all the time, I would dance & be crazy, and sometimes take some clothes off...I just did it all sober. But once I went away to college I had to work hard, and I didn't like being around a lot of drinking, so I got this reputation as a quiet, stay-at-home, anti-social, nerd. But these people, my high school friends, they have no problem seeing me act silly, because that's how they remember me. And that was really great. So both yesterday & today I stayed out until 2am, acted silly, and laughed a lot. It was fun. I'm really glad that I did it, and I may do it again tomorrow night to ring in the new year!!

Happy 2006 Everybody!!

Monday, December 26, 2005

X-mas: Survived

Okay so the "festivities" are over. I am alive, barely. For those of you that know me, I will say this: I had the conversation with my father. The big one. I will give details in person/on the phone later.

Christmas Eve was fine. The grandparents came here for dinner...at 3pm!!! Old people are crazy. They gave us each $100 which was very nice. No fighting. Some gossip tho: My uncle's ex-wife has a 22 year-old b/f. Her son told my uncle "I'm not allowed to tell you his age b/c he's half as old as mommy." LOL How cute is that?? I'm not surprised, they are likely on the same intellectual & emotional level, so it is probably perfect. I just wonder what his parents think!!

Christmas day was a whole other story. It was the day of the big talk. Plus, my mom stayed home to pout while the rest of us went to my uncle's house. Where everyone asked about her & me & my sister had to lie (badly) about why she wasn't there. The evening sucked: bad food & two obnoxious, disgusting dogs. Plus, crappy presents. We were happy to get back to my parents house! (Which is really saying something.)

My favorite gift was from my sister: the 1st season of Roseanne on DVD. We usually do the best with gifts for each other. We went shopping today and I got some GREAT deals at NY & Co. which is my favorite store! I got the jean skirt I've been wanting for like 6 months! It was on sale for $19.99 and, best of all, I fit into a size 10! (Which I celebrated with chocolate! LOL)

Anyhoo, I hope everyone else survived the holidays unscathed. I will head back to my real home on the 4th at which point I will become a much more pleasant individual!

Friday, December 23, 2005

Life In Lyrics

I got this from my sister...all the answers are titles of Ani Difranco songs. She did hers with song from My Chemical Romance. It's fun! Pick an artist & try it!!

Artist: Ani Difranco

1] Are you male or female? Joyful Girl

[2] Describe yourself? Willing To Fight

[3] How do you feel about yourself? Fierce Flawless

[4] Describe what you are thinking right now? If He Tries Anything…

[5] Describe your current boyfriend? Two Little Girls

[6] Describe where you currently live? Out of Range

[7] If you could go anywhere, where would you go? Garden of Simple

[8] What would you ask for if you had just one wish? Blood In The Boardroom

[9] You know that: Falling Is Like This

[10] What's the weather like? In The Way

[11] If your life was a television show, what would it be called? The Next Big Thing

[12] What is life to you? Names And Dates And Times

[13] What is the best advice you have to give? Face Up And Sing

[14] If you could change your name, what would you change it to? Pixie

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

The Fam

So, I've been at my parents' house for about 5 days now, and truly, that's quite enough. Especially because I already have my xmas presents, so really there is no point. For anyone who is out of the loop: my parents are still married, still live in the same house, but haven't spoken to each other in 11 months. Yes, it is ridiculous, I know. Too immature to make up with each other or get a divorce, this is the story of my life.

So, today my mom's brother & his wife came to dinner. But, since my parents don't talk to each other, my mom never told my dad they were coming. So, he found out from my sister about 2 hours before they got here, and then yelled at my sister for not telling him sooner. Then my mom yelled at my sister because she had left my dad a note, and my dad should have read it, and since she won't yell at my dad about it, she yells at my sister. Then my sister cried. Then my dad came home and my aunt & uncle came over, and I wonder if they noticed that my parents didn't speak to each other all night.

Honestly, this is all just so insane I can't take it! Either get a divorce or have a fucking conversation! They honestly see nothing wrong with attempting to place the burden of their marriage on my sister...making her responsible for their communication. And, while my father is the bigger ass, both of them share the blame equally when it comes to this communication thing. But I can't say anything to either of them because they just yell at me and will never listen or change or grow up. Fortunately, I have detached myself enough that I see it all as just a bad sitcom or something. But my sister still really internalizes it all and it is not good for her. For what they have done to her, I hate them. Both of them. I have been asking Santa for my parents to get a divorce since I was 5 years old. All I ever got was an Easy-Bake Oven.

Monday, December 19, 2005

Stranger Danger

So, this is bizarre and scary. I got a message on facebook today that said "You better change your picture or I'm going to rape you." from a guy I have NEVER met before. And I thought, How incredibly cruel and bizarre. Why would anybody write something like that to someone they don't even know? In case you are wondering my picture is of Eeyore...so it's not like some sexy S&M picture like the majority of facebook-ers post. Not that it matters, regardless of the picture it was an evil thing to say. But, as I say at the end of almost all my stories: And people wonder why I hate men.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Leaving On A Jet Plane

Well, tomorrow morning I am off to my parents house. If you never hear from me again, it is likely that I killed them and went to prison. No, not really. I think it's more entertaining to just sit back & wait for them to kill each other. Anyhoo, I probably won't be writing much because my parents' internet connection is even slower than my own! Altho, my good buddy S said that I can come to his house & use his wireless whenever I want, so maybe I will write a few times.

Anyhoo, have a great holiday everyone! I will be busy waging war on christmas with all the other athiests!

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Real Life Nightmares

I watched Oprah yesterday. I don't watch everyday, only when I am particularly interested in the day's topic. The topic yesterday was domestic violence. And I saw images that I don't think I will ever be able to get out of my head.

The main story was about a woman who had her face blown off by her boyfriend. Her boyfriend was a psychopath who stormed into her home, accused her of hiding another man from him, killed her mother, and then shot her in the face. The other man was, of course, imaginary. This woman's face is completely destroyed. She covers in with bandages so that all you see when you talk to her are her eyes and chin. When the bandages are off, well it's simply horrible. The stories she told broke my heart. One in particular about how a little boy in a store started to cry when she walked past him, and then told his mother "that lady scared me." Not that it was his fault, he is a child and a woman with her face covered in gauze would scare him. But that is what she has to deal with everyday. I'm not sure that I wouldn't wish for death if I was her. I hope she is stronger than I am.

Of course this wasn't the first time this guy had been violent toward her, and of course hers wasn't the only horrible story Oprah presented yesterday..it was just the most visually disturbing. Of course everyone asks these women why they didn't leave, and the answer is always the same: "I was afraid. He threatened to kill my family if I left." So what choice do these women have? Fighting back won't work...I don't know many women who can physically overcome their male counterparts. Leaving won't work...either he will make good on his threats or stalk her & track her down. The only chance these women have is to kill these men in their sleep, oh yeah, and then they go to prison. Personally, I think that killing your husband or boyfriend shouldn't be a crime under any circumstances...there is always a good reason...but at the very least, ridding the world of these disgusting worthless monsters should get you a medal rather than an orange jumpsuit.

But, since I don't run the world yet, here is the answer: LEAVE! No matter what his threat is, no matter how much you think you love him, no matter how afraid you are, LEAVE! If he is going to kill you and/or your family, he is going to do it no matter what. And there is no real mother in this world who wouldn't happily give her life for her daughter's safety. If you stay, he will kill you. If you leave, you at least have a chance. So run like hell. Leave your job, your home, your clothes, none of it matters. A life with him is no life at all. It is better to be poor than dead, better to be alone than dead. Every second you stay is a victory for him

If there was ever a sliver of a chance that I might date a guy again, it is completely gone now. The most dangerous man in the world is the one you are sleeping with.

Monday, December 12, 2005

5 Down, 1 To Go!!!

Semesters of law school, that is. Today I took my last exam of the semester. I studied 3.5 days for this exam & it took me precisely 27 minutes to complete! Seems ridiculous doesn't it? Of course, I suppose that I only finished that quickly because I did study so much...but still, it is a lot of studying! And now, well frankly I don't know what to do with myself! I sat down at this computer with a purpose, but I forgot what that was, so I checked all the blogs, facebook, my emails, and now I am here typing about nothing! Oh well!

In other News, Arnold has denied clemency to Stanley "Tookie" Williams. Unless the US Supreme Court steps in (which they will not) Williams is set to be executed by lethal injection at 12:01am Tuesday Dec. 13th 2005 (PST). Williams is a Nobel Peace Prize Nominee (multiple times), so he is of course a prime candidate for execution. Honestly, despite my liberal leanings, I am not as anti-death penalty as you would expect. In my opinion, the death penalty just doesn't work and should be abolished for that reason (too many mistakes in our system, too costly, not a deterrent, etc); but I am not morally opposed to it - as long as people are on notice that committing a certain crime could cost them their lives, I have no moral objection. I know there is the whole hypocrisy argument (if killing is wrong, why is it okay that the state does it?), and my response is: notice & due process. Unfortunately, our system has not reached a level of full due process, and thus executions in this country are not just. But really, in the Williams case, your stance on the death penalty is irrelevant. When Williams asked Arnold for clemency, he was asking "Am I deserving of mercy?" Not whether he was innocent or guilty, not whether he had been given due process, and certainly not whether the death penalty is right or wrong. Now, my question to Arnold is: Who would deserve mercy?

It is true that Williams has done terrible things in his life, but he has also done amazing things. I'm not saying let him out, but let him live in prison. He can't do any harm, and he might do some more good. And, if all of Williams' efforts didn't earn him one ounce of mercy, what does that say to other inmates? Why bother making any attempt to rehabilitate themselves if it won't change anything? If winning a nobel peace prize doesn't get you anywhere, why bother behaving or doing any good at all? It hardly seems worth it, does it?

Finally, all other arguments aside, even the Terminator should be afraid in California tonight. Williams, through Jesse Jackson, has asked his supporters to refrain from violence. But, after the Governor's de-valuation of the peaceful efforts of Williams, and in the state that has brought us the most powerful riots of the century, do we honestly expect a quiet night in California? Get your camcorders ready...

Sunday, December 11, 2005

"Post Secret"

Okay, so I will admit that I am a bit out of touch with pop culture, I think it's a side effect of law school, so this may not be new to anyone else, but it was to me! I just went to this website for the 1st time because it is linked to a friend's blog. I found it bizarre. Here's the link:

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

The site posts one-sided anonymous postcards that people mail in (snail-mail) with their "secrets" written on them. The site list requirements for the cards, one of which is that, whatever secret you write on the card, it has to be something you haven't shared with anyone before. My 1st thought: I can't think of ANYTHING that I haven't told somebody! I mean, maybe little trivial things, like the last time I broke a nail or stubbed my toe, but nothing big. I guess that's because I talk too much. My 2nd thought was that people lie...so some of these secrets are not secret and some of them are not true at all. And, after looking at the postcards on the site, they are very involved and detailed artistic works (lots of cutting & pasting going on), which led me to my 3rd thought: how do these many people have this much time on their hands to send a stranger their secrets on mini-art-projects? And wouldn't that time be better spent dealing with whatever issue underlies the secret, etc.?? Most of the secrets are about sex or abuse or anger, only 1 was a happy secret.

One that was posted today is a picture of birth control pills that says "I throw every other one down the sink." I found this secret just ridiculous! Why take any pills at all if you are only going to take half of them? What a moron! What a waste of money and pills! Seriously, why do you do this? Do you want to get pregnant? Just don't take them at all! Are you taking them to hide from your sex-partner that you want to be pregnant? Then you are a sick f*ck and you should not be having children. Or is this your little game with fate "If I'm meant to have a baby it will just happen"?? Again, see the sick f*ck sentence! And why would you put this on an anonymous postcard & mail it in? Instead, you should spend your time in therapy.

Anyway, just my 2 cents & random vent on the absolute horror that is the human race.

Saturday, December 10, 2005

The Mystery of Sleep

I haven’t been sleeping lately. Well, that’s not entirely true, I have been sleeping from like 3am to 5am. This is unusual for me because I’m usually in bed by 10 and asleep by 11…but lately I just can’t get to sleep. Then, when I finally do, I wake up in terror shortly afterwards, afraid that there is someone in my apartment or even in my room. I open my eyes, look around, realize that I am here in GA (safe in my own apartment and not in any of the other places I’ve lived before), and then breathe a sigh of relief. But I still get up and check that the doors are locked and that nobody is lurking around.

I’ve been having nightmares for a long time. Honestly, I think I have had one every night for at least the last 3 years or so. I’ve never understood why, because truly I am happy in my life and generally not afraid of crime or anything like that during the waking hours. But when I’m asleep my brain goes crazy and I never knew why, until today. It occurred to me that soldiers with PTSD lose it when they hear anything that sounds like a gun shot because their PTSD developed due to the trauma of war. And, as ridiculous as it sounds, my PTSD developed because of a trauma that occurred while I was sleeping, so sleep to me is like car backfiring to a soldier…it takes me back there. I only wonder when I will be able to achieve sleep without going back to that night, if I will ever be able to do that. I knew that many things had been taken from me in my lifetime, it wasn’t until today that I realized someone had actually stolen my dreams. And I want them back.

Sleep is like a fever and I’m glad when it ends. ~ Ani Difranco

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Another Exoneration!!

Tomorrow afternoon Robert Clark will be released from prison. He has been incarcerated since 1981, convicted of a rape he did NOT commit. His innocence has been proven through a DNA test, which also confirmed that the real rapist was Tony Arnold, a man suggested by Clark back in 1981. In my opinion, the cops who ignored that suggestion should be locked up for attempted murder and aiding & abetting the rapes of all the women that have been attacked by Arnold while Clark sat in prison. Read all the details of the story here:

http://www.ga-innocenceproject.org/breaking.html

Mad props go out to all my friends at the GIP who have worked hard to release the innocent!

Monday, December 05, 2005

Open Wounds

It seems that no matter how much time passes, and how much my life changes, there are some people that will always be able to just rip my heart open. One of my former best friends is one such person. Even after all the bullshit and all the times she hurt me, I look at her and think that she is just so beautiful and how I just wish I could take care of her, but she is so far away. Not just physically but emotionally, spiritually, and seemingly all the ways that two people can be far apart. What's worse, is that she sounds so sad, and I have tried so hard to mend things between us, but she won't budge an inch.

Honestly, I don't know why she is so mad at me. I think I remember what our last fight was about, and I am pretty sure that I was the one who was mad at her. But, no matter what, I am positive it had to do with one of our boyfriends, both of whom we have thought better of since then. So, working on the whole "Bros B4 Hos, Sistas B4 Mistas" principle, we should be back to normal by now. But we aren't. And nobody can believe it, because we used to be like one person. So, I just check in on her blog once in a while and comment anonymously, and hold back what I really want to say because it would give me away. I can still read right thru her words, and I can tell what is a shield and what is real, and it's hard not to break thru the glass and scream what I know she needs to hear, but I guess that's just how this life will go.

Saturday, December 03, 2005

Safety Tips

I got this from another blog. I deleted one line that I didn't agree with and posted the rest. Feel free to take it for your blog as well.

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape.

Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn't have long hair and women shouldn't wear short skirts. Women shouldn't leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn't dare to get drunk at all.

Instead of that bullshit, how about:

if a woman is drunk, don't rape her.if a woman is walking alone at night, don't rape her.
if a women is drugged and unconscious, don't rape her.
if a woman is wearing a short skirt, don't rape her.
if a woman is jogging in a park at 5 am, don't rape her.
if a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you're still hung up on, don't rape her.
if a woman is asleep in her bed, don't rape her.
if a woman is asleep in your bed, don't rape her.
if a woman is doing her laundry, don't rape her.
if a woman is in a coma, don't rape her.
if a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don't rape her.
if a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don't rape her.
if a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don't rape her.
if your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don't rape her.
if your step-daughter is watching tv, don't rape her.
if you break into a house and find a woman there, don't rape her.
if your friend thinks it's okay to rape someone, tell him it's not, and that he's not your friend.
if your "friend" tells you he raped someone, report him to the police.
if your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there's an unconscious woman upstairs and it's your turn, don't rape her, call the police and tell the guy he's a rapist.

tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, sons of friends it's not okay to rape someone.
don't imply that a woman could have avoided it if she'd only done/not done x.
don't imply that it's in any way her fault.
don't let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he "got some" with the drunk girl.
don't perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions.
You can, too, help yourself.

If you agree, repost it. It's that important.