Sorry that I haven't written in a while! I know you all get terribly bored without me!! And I've certainly had PLENTY to write about! But I have had the most outrageous headache all week and looking at the computer screen makes it worse. But, I am a bit better now, so here I am!!!
Okay, so here is what I am pissed off about today: drug companies being all fucking paternalistic when it comes to grown women. See, here is the problem. About 8 years I go I started using depo (an injectable form of birth control). My intent was not so much to control birth as it was to control my depression and eliminate my periods. It worked! I was period free for over 6 years and my depression gradually reduced and eventually disappeared. That is, until, the drug company stepped in. Apparently depo has some effect on your calcium levels and some woman in Africa got osteoperosis (sp?) and so there was a big uproar.
Instead of issuing a warning, or requiring women to take calcium with the depo, or any other number of reasonable courses of action, this is what they do: The drug cos tell Drs that they absolutely CANNOT give the shot to ANY patient for more than 2 years. Yeah, that meant me: no more depo. Apparently I am incapable of weighing the pros and cons of this drug on my own, so the drug company has stepped in to do it for me! Thanks guys, really. Now I have been off of it for a little over a year and I've had my period about 4 times.
Today I felt a depression that I have not felt in about 6 years or so. It was awful. It felt like this huge weight was pressing down on my chest, my stomach was in a knot, I could barely breathe, and all I wanted to do was cry. I literally felt crushed by sadness. I felt like everything around me was dark and that I had absolutely nobody I could call on to help me feel better. I picked up my cell phone and went thru my address book and with each name I thought "No. No. No." Even though I know that almost all those people do really care about me. The loneliness was so extreme that it actually hurt to move, to keep my eyes open. I wanted to drive into a tree or something. It was just horrible....and I had no idea why I was feeling that way. Then I realized it, I got my period today.
I used to feel this way EVERY TIME I got my period. When I was in highschool my boyfriend would have to stay with me, almost constantly, for about 4 days every month or I would just sob hysterically because of the loneliness. It was that feeling that made me cut myself and swallow pills. It really is just a crushing, blinding, physical & emotional weight. Depo is the ONLY thing that has ever made this feeling go away. The pill didn't work, the anti-depressants didn't work. Trust me, if it's out there I tried it.
I'm feeling a little better tonight. I let myself have a cigarette and cry a little bit. And I keep reminding myself that this is chemical and that life is good and all my friends love me, etc., etc. But, as many of you know, it's hard to push this weight off. And it seems that I may have been sentenced to this kind of feeling for a few days each month for the rest of my life.
It makes me so angry. Who are these boardroom assholes to decide that a risk of low calcium is worse than how I feel right now? Who are they to say that I am too irresponsible to get calcium in other ways and stay on depo? How can they possibly do this to women? My insurance company won't pay for an elective hysterectemy (sp?) so I am stuck with this fucking organ for the rest of my life (or until I can afford surgery myself) and some rich white men in suits have taken away my only mechanism I had for controlling it. It is just so infuriating.
You know that if the same EXACT study had come out about Viagra they would slapped a tiny warning label on the back of it and moved on. But because this is for women, and because it's "elective" they think they can just take it away. Well, honestly, can they stop me from going to a new Dr ever two years to get my shots for the rest of my life? We may just find out.
In the mean time, I may be calling some of you for no reason. Sorry.
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"I've got better things to do than survive."
5 comments:
And you know you can always call me, because I talk to a four year old all the time and while I love conversations that change topic after every sentence, talking to someone like you, who's IQ makes my IQ run and hide under the nearest porch, reminds me that there are real adults out there and they know how to express themselves. That and I just like hearing from you anyway.
Thanks guys. Today was better.
Adam: I almost did call you, but I figured the last thing you really need in your life is PMS!
Tiffany: Have I EVER hesitated to invite myself to your couch? I didn't think so. I was on my way to work.
:::charging phone for cj's call:::
(((hugs))) It will improve! Can you go back on it after a while, or is it forever?? This shit makes me so mad, just like pharmacists refusing to fill birth control prescriptions. Big Brother -> Big Father. Boooo.
I haven't had PMS in my life for a very long time, so I think I'm due for a dose. It reminds me that I am a man and there are such things as real women who have real issues such as PMS and not just "hot" celebrities who as far as we know don't even wee, they just look pretty on red carpets. "Hello Charlize!" Reeeeaaarrr!
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