I think that was one of my mother's favorite sayings when I was growing up: "You never know what goes on behind closed doors." Everytime there was an unexpected divorce or some sweet kid down the street was arrested, whatever. She loved reminding me that I didn't know people as well as I thought I did. I suppose it was a good lesson to learn.
In the past week there has been a story about a woman who killed her husband. It happened in Tennessee and he was a minister. From what I have heard, she shot him once at close range while he was sitting on their bed, and then took their three kids and drove off. I forget where she went, but they found her like the next day or so & she was arrested. Everyon is shocked! He was a minister, why would she do that? He was so sweet and kind and nobody would ever expect...
However, there was an interesting statement by the police that they "know" what her motive was but aren't saying. Well, here's my guess: He was molesting his daughters.
Everyone is so sure that this woman is just crazy. They talk about how amazing it is that his parents seem to have forgiven her & they want her home, etc. Apparently it hasn't occurred to anybody that the bastard may have deserved it....or at least that she had some reason for what she did besides pure psychosis.
It seems to me that if her motive is so clear cut that police feel they "know" what it is, then it must be a pretty damn good motive! Hasn't this country learned yet that just because a man preaches about God doesn't mean he is a saint?? In fact, it's people that are seen as so good & pious that are best able to get away with their crimes. Nobody would ever suspect them of beating their wives or abusing their children, they'er just such "nice guys"!
Well, I say, give this woman some damn credit! Let's just wait a bit for the trial & see what comes out. I may be wrong, but I have a feeling this wasn't the act of a deranged woman.
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Ego Trip
So, I spent over 2 hours on the phone with my long-lost friend, K, today. It made me so happy! He was like my BM in 8th-10th grade (before S was my BM, which was even before BM was my BM!!! So I guess that means that really, BM is like my K! Haha!!) Anyway, I am totally giddy. He was so genuinely excited to talk to me & said so many wonderful things about me...really exactly what I need right now. Plus, he is just doing fantastic! I mean so much better than when I last saw him, which was probably about 5 or 6 yrs ago. He is happy, and confident, and just loving life. He has a good job and he's thinking about buying a house. And he only lives like 3 hrs away from me! (Well, until I move in May!) So, it looks like he is going to come here over Easter weekend, which is just great because I will be all alone! (There aren't nearly enough Jews in this town to keep me company! Haha.) So, anyway, I am just positively glowing right now! I called BM and I was like all super silly & laughing for no reason, and he was like, "Wow. Were you like this everytime you talked to K when you were friends? Cuzz maybe that's why it took him so long to call u again!" Haha. Very funny BM. No, I was NOT like that when I talked to him everyday god dammit! I am only like this today because it was like a special reunion of sorts. Anyway, I think BM is just jealous, afraid that he will be replaced! Well, he just better watch out, because K likes living in the south, so he may just be the perfect replacement!
Anyway, I got NO homework done today. And no laundry, or grocery shopping, or anything really! I did work out, go to office depot & the verizon store, and go to dinner & a movie with NC. It's nice how I just ditch all my responsibilities like that!
And now, I will go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I will get back to changing the world & stuff. ;-)
Anyway, I got NO homework done today. And no laundry, or grocery shopping, or anything really! I did work out, go to office depot & the verizon store, and go to dinner & a movie with NC. It's nice how I just ditch all my responsibilities like that!
And now, I will go to bed. Maybe tomorrow I will get back to changing the world & stuff. ;-)
Friday, March 24, 2006
Presidentress
March is Women's History Month. Honestly, I never noticed that before. I guess it gets overshadowed by February which is Black History Month AND Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Also because I don't pay attention to anything in March besides my birthday!! Haha.
Anyway, the last two days have been full of learning about women, leadership, and history for me! It has been very cool. Today, Tiffany and I went to an exhibit at the library on campus dedicated primarily to the Suffragette Movement. It was really quite fascinating. It's not really something I've ever paused to think about: the fact that women have only been allowed to vote in this country for about 85 years. The fact that less than 100 yrs ago, the country was just crawling with men who thought women were too stupid to vote. And, after seeing this display, I know just how vigorously men opposed this movement. These men, who were married to women, clearly wanted them around, but still thought they were some lower form of life. It constantly amazes me how women continue to live with, sleep with, and love men who don't give a damn about their rights. It's not enough for a man to say that they think women should have rights and equality. If you aren't fighting for me, then you aren't on my time. Silence is acceptance. Get off your asses.
The coolest thing at the library today was a selection of old post cards from the early 1900s and late 1800s. Half the postcards were pro-women and half were anti-women. Half were from the US and half were from England. The 1st thing I noticed was how hard it was to tell which postcards were pro and which were con! To me, they were all offensive! I thought that was kind of funny, because it shows how much language has changed over the years. The same sentence that meant women rule in 1900, now implies that women are stupid. Quite bizarre. It was also strange to see how women were depicted in the illustrations. In England, the anti-women postcards portrayed suffragettes as large, masculine, and uptight. One postcard noted the the suffragettes were women who had never been kissed! In the US however, the postcards depicted sexier women, but portrayed them as sluts. They were said to be buying votes with kisses! It was also interesting to see that the postcard manufacturers printed both sides of the issue, to make the most money possible! So there were both pro-women and anti-women postcards that used the same illustrations, characters, and general themes; but with conflicting messages.
Reading about these women, who stood up in the face of so much hatred, was just unbelievable. I generally think of myself as pretty brave and outspoken, but I wonder if I could have done what they did. I'm just not sure. I mean, today they are seen as heroes. But they generally didn't live to see themselves honored. Even the women who lived to see the 19th amendment passed were still only minimally respected since there were still many, many Americans who opposed the movement. I'm sure that they were all still subject to an incredible amount of ridicule and criticism. I'm just not sure that I could have stood up to such things, the way these women did. But the last two days have certainly inspired me to do my best. The memories of these women, and the bravery of one woman I met on Thursday, have made me want to be loud and unrelenting and fuck anyone who doesn't like it. Who cares if I get a whole boatload of hatemail? Let them come. This is war and I am fighting for my life, my soul, my very existence. In my next incarnation, I don't even want to hear the implication that women are incubators. A million appropriate quotes come to mind, but I will sign off with just one.
I don't care if they eat me alive, I've got better things to do than survive. ~Ani Difranco
Anyway, the last two days have been full of learning about women, leadership, and history for me! It has been very cool. Today, Tiffany and I went to an exhibit at the library on campus dedicated primarily to the Suffragette Movement. It was really quite fascinating. It's not really something I've ever paused to think about: the fact that women have only been allowed to vote in this country for about 85 years. The fact that less than 100 yrs ago, the country was just crawling with men who thought women were too stupid to vote. And, after seeing this display, I know just how vigorously men opposed this movement. These men, who were married to women, clearly wanted them around, but still thought they were some lower form of life. It constantly amazes me how women continue to live with, sleep with, and love men who don't give a damn about their rights. It's not enough for a man to say that they think women should have rights and equality. If you aren't fighting for me, then you aren't on my time. Silence is acceptance. Get off your asses.
The coolest thing at the library today was a selection of old post cards from the early 1900s and late 1800s. Half the postcards were pro-women and half were anti-women. Half were from the US and half were from England. The 1st thing I noticed was how hard it was to tell which postcards were pro and which were con! To me, they were all offensive! I thought that was kind of funny, because it shows how much language has changed over the years. The same sentence that meant women rule in 1900, now implies that women are stupid. Quite bizarre. It was also strange to see how women were depicted in the illustrations. In England, the anti-women postcards portrayed suffragettes as large, masculine, and uptight. One postcard noted the the suffragettes were women who had never been kissed! In the US however, the postcards depicted sexier women, but portrayed them as sluts. They were said to be buying votes with kisses! It was also interesting to see that the postcard manufacturers printed both sides of the issue, to make the most money possible! So there were both pro-women and anti-women postcards that used the same illustrations, characters, and general themes; but with conflicting messages.
Reading about these women, who stood up in the face of so much hatred, was just unbelievable. I generally think of myself as pretty brave and outspoken, but I wonder if I could have done what they did. I'm just not sure. I mean, today they are seen as heroes. But they generally didn't live to see themselves honored. Even the women who lived to see the 19th amendment passed were still only minimally respected since there were still many, many Americans who opposed the movement. I'm sure that they were all still subject to an incredible amount of ridicule and criticism. I'm just not sure that I could have stood up to such things, the way these women did. But the last two days have certainly inspired me to do my best. The memories of these women, and the bravery of one woman I met on Thursday, have made me want to be loud and unrelenting and fuck anyone who doesn't like it. Who cares if I get a whole boatload of hatemail? Let them come. This is war and I am fighting for my life, my soul, my very existence. In my next incarnation, I don't even want to hear the implication that women are incubators. A million appropriate quotes come to mind, but I will sign off with just one.
I don't care if they eat me alive, I've got better things to do than survive. ~Ani Difranco
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Conquering The World!!
Congratulations Tiffany!!!
She is officially one of the top 3 female law students in the entire State of Georgia!!!!!
Just one more step in our plot to take over the world!! Bwahaha!!
In other news....I had a dream last night that a short man in a suit stole my shower curtain. I think he was with the government. Does that make me paranoid??
She is officially one of the top 3 female law students in the entire State of Georgia!!!!!
Just one more step in our plot to take over the world!! Bwahaha!!
In other news....I had a dream last night that a short man in a suit stole my shower curtain. I think he was with the government. Does that make me paranoid??
Saturday, March 18, 2006
Hauntings
I was just asked to join a group on myspace created for all the people who graduated from my high school in 1998. So I did, and then I browsed through it a little bit. Totally weird. First of all, there are some people I totally don't remember, which I didn't expect because I have a damn good memory and I thought I knew most people. I guess I really did have more friends in the class of 1997 than I thought!!
Also, the guy who started the group is like the LAST person I would ever have expected to do something like that. I mean, I certainly never thought of him as Mr School Spirit. More like Mr Resident Psychopath!! I totally hate this guy. He and his friends tried to kill more than one of my friends on more than one occasion. And when I say "kill" I am NOT exaggerating. Seeing his picture, his eyes looking at me from the screen, really just sent a chill down my spine. Now, I've heard that he is a bit reformed, but that is so hard for me to believe. I mean, a person that violent? Can they really change that much? And if so, like what does he think of how he was back then? Does he realize that he literally almost killed people? Does it phase him at all? I don't know. But knowing that he will be at the reunion makes me quite sure that I will be bringing either Black Mike or Sever with me!! I need my big strong boys to protect me....or at least carry me out of there if I decide to go after someone! Haha.
Also, the guy who started the group is like the LAST person I would ever have expected to do something like that. I mean, I certainly never thought of him as Mr School Spirit. More like Mr Resident Psychopath!! I totally hate this guy. He and his friends tried to kill more than one of my friends on more than one occasion. And when I say "kill" I am NOT exaggerating. Seeing his picture, his eyes looking at me from the screen, really just sent a chill down my spine. Now, I've heard that he is a bit reformed, but that is so hard for me to believe. I mean, a person that violent? Can they really change that much? And if so, like what does he think of how he was back then? Does he realize that he literally almost killed people? Does it phase him at all? I don't know. But knowing that he will be at the reunion makes me quite sure that I will be bringing either Black Mike or Sever with me!! I need my big strong boys to protect me....or at least carry me out of there if I decide to go after someone! Haha.
Friday, March 17, 2006
My Week
So, since my birthday, I have essentially been a hermit! I did go to my clinic on Tuesday & Wednesday morning, and I met my monkeys for lunch Wednesday afternoon. But other than that I haven't really done anything! Except, write a paper.
Yep, that's right. I've been doing homework. Actually, I was supposed to write 2 papers. One for my Sentencing seminar which was to be 20 pages and one for my 1st Amendment seminar which was to be 15 pages.
Well, my sentencing paper is 30 pages and my 1st amendment paper doesn't exist! Haha. Plus, I'm not sure my sentencing paper is as citation heavy as it should be, and it may be too much about criminology for my teacher's liking. But oh well. I'm a 3L and I already have a job, I only have to pass not get an A! So, I guess I just don't care enough to do any more work on it.
Tomorrow I will do the 1st Am paper. Maybe Sunday I can have fun....I doubt it though!
Yep, that's right. I've been doing homework. Actually, I was supposed to write 2 papers. One for my Sentencing seminar which was to be 20 pages and one for my 1st Amendment seminar which was to be 15 pages.
Well, my sentencing paper is 30 pages and my 1st amendment paper doesn't exist! Haha. Plus, I'm not sure my sentencing paper is as citation heavy as it should be, and it may be too much about criminology for my teacher's liking. But oh well. I'm a 3L and I already have a job, I only have to pass not get an A! So, I guess I just don't care enough to do any more work on it.
Tomorrow I will do the 1st Am paper. Maybe Sunday I can have fun....I doubt it though!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Happy Pi Day!!!
Yep, it's Pi Day! If you don't get it, go ask a math nerd!
I had the best birthday ever yesterday!! Dinner was great! I hope everyone else had a great time too! And I got fantabulous presents from so many awesome people! It didn't rain, and I finished the day off with a Salem Slim Light. Just a really great day!
Today, I am exhausted. So, I will not attempt to write anything profound, or even entertaining. Maybe tomorrow. As my sister says, I'm almost 30 now, I deserve a nap!
I had the best birthday ever yesterday!! Dinner was great! I hope everyone else had a great time too! And I got fantabulous presents from so many awesome people! It didn't rain, and I finished the day off with a Salem Slim Light. Just a really great day!
Today, I am exhausted. So, I will not attempt to write anything profound, or even entertaining. Maybe tomorrow. As my sister says, I'm almost 30 now, I deserve a nap!
Sunday, March 12, 2006
The Second Quarter
Tomorrow I will be twenty-six. It’s hard to believe. When people ask how old I am my 1st instinct is still “Seventeen.” I don’t know why, but that seems to be my default age. Maybe it’s because that’s when I was prettiest, or because I felt so free to be me at that age, I don’t know. But when I think of myself, that’s the year I go back to.
But honestly, my 17th year wasn’t so great. I mean, I guess I had a lot of fun, but I was stuck in a horrible relationship and I didn’t value myself at all. I had a horrible relationship with my family, and really no ambition whatsoever. Honestly, this past year, my 25th, has probably been the best so far. Hopefully I will be able to recognize that more easily in the future. And hopefully, each year of my life will get better and better.
As for celebrating my birthday, I haven’t really been big on that since high school. Last year Sever & his g/f Sally took me out to dinner. I love both of them tons, so it was a really great way to celebrate. The meal wasn’t anything special, but it’s not about that…it’s about the company. We went to Uno’s and the waiter had to ID Sever because he wanted to drink. But before Sever handed over his license, the waiter said, “Hang on. I’m gonna guess your name, I’m really good at that.” Well, Sever and I laughed so hard I think I pulled a muscle. When the guy finally looked at the ID he said “Well, I never would have guessed a verb!” LOL It was a pretty fun night.
The year before that I was on a plane, coming back to GA from spring break. So that wasn’t much fun at all.
Tomorrow, though, should be a pretty good day. I am off of school for spring break. I am going for a massage at 2:30 (after All My Children of course!), and then at night I am going to dinner with my monkeys! Could there be a better way to celebrate? I don’t think so.
My family sent me gifts, which arrived on Friday. My mom gave me money, because she knows I don’t want anything else to pack up & move! Oh, she also made me brownies! They are quite yummy…but don’t worry, I’m pacing myself! My dad sent me an Eeyore blanket and an Eeyore cell phone case. He also sent me pictures of him with W at the White House….which made me sick!!!! Why on earth would he think I would want that??? But, the best gift was from my sister! She got me the 1st season of ALF on DVD!!!!! How awesome is that?? I can’t wait to start watching.
Well, anyway, off I go to continue aging. The next time I write I will be older (well, I guess that’s always true, but you know what I mean). Overall, I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done with the first 25 years of this life. Here’s to the next 25!
But honestly, my 17th year wasn’t so great. I mean, I guess I had a lot of fun, but I was stuck in a horrible relationship and I didn’t value myself at all. I had a horrible relationship with my family, and really no ambition whatsoever. Honestly, this past year, my 25th, has probably been the best so far. Hopefully I will be able to recognize that more easily in the future. And hopefully, each year of my life will get better and better.
As for celebrating my birthday, I haven’t really been big on that since high school. Last year Sever & his g/f Sally took me out to dinner. I love both of them tons, so it was a really great way to celebrate. The meal wasn’t anything special, but it’s not about that…it’s about the company. We went to Uno’s and the waiter had to ID Sever because he wanted to drink. But before Sever handed over his license, the waiter said, “Hang on. I’m gonna guess your name, I’m really good at that.” Well, Sever and I laughed so hard I think I pulled a muscle. When the guy finally looked at the ID he said “Well, I never would have guessed a verb!” LOL It was a pretty fun night.
The year before that I was on a plane, coming back to GA from spring break. So that wasn’t much fun at all.
Tomorrow, though, should be a pretty good day. I am off of school for spring break. I am going for a massage at 2:30 (after All My Children of course!), and then at night I am going to dinner with my monkeys! Could there be a better way to celebrate? I don’t think so.
My family sent me gifts, which arrived on Friday. My mom gave me money, because she knows I don’t want anything else to pack up & move! Oh, she also made me brownies! They are quite yummy…but don’t worry, I’m pacing myself! My dad sent me an Eeyore blanket and an Eeyore cell phone case. He also sent me pictures of him with W at the White House….which made me sick!!!! Why on earth would he think I would want that??? But, the best gift was from my sister! She got me the 1st season of ALF on DVD!!!!! How awesome is that?? I can’t wait to start watching.
Well, anyway, off I go to continue aging. The next time I write I will be older (well, I guess that’s always true, but you know what I mean). Overall, I’m pretty proud of what I’ve done with the first 25 years of this life. Here’s to the next 25!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Redneck Next Door
So, as you all know, back in August I lost my favorite next door neighbor ever, and gained this kinda reclusive young guy with a big truck. All I know about this guy I have learned from his truck....which is HUGE and silver. I know that he is in the military, used to live in Florida, and hunts.
He also has a boat. A boat that he parks in my parking lot for weeks at a time. Usually in the space closest to the door. This pisses me off because he never has to unlooad groceries from his boat into his apt, but I have to unload groceries from my car at least once a week and I don't get to park close to the door. Plus, he parks to boat so that the motor hangs over the sidewalk and blocks it. So that when I do unload groceries from the next space over, I can't even use the sidewalk. I either have to walk behind my car and around the boat, or slip between the boat motor and my downstairs neighbor's porch. All I'm saying is, park the boat in the crappy parking spaces that nobody uses. Would that be so hard?
Well, now we have a new issue. For the last month or so he has been going someplace where his truck gets covered in mud. When he comes back, his boots are also quite dirty. So he takes them off and leaves them in the hallway outside his door. Well, his boots smell like horses!!! And, no Tiffany, that is NOT a pleasant smell! So every morning I walk out my door and I am hit with the smell of horse. It is soooooo gross! Can't he leave them on his porch? I mean, if he doesn't want to smell them, what makes him think I do?? If they were on his porch, then his apt wouldn't smell, my hallway wouldn't smell, the shoes would still be outside, and everyone would be happy. I've thought of leaving a not on his door....but I'm afraid. So, I will just have to deal with the daily horse smell.
Oh yeah, also the guy downstairs, got a pet dog the size of a bear!!!! I got out of my car the other day, and he came out of his apt, and the dog barked, and I had a heart attack.....my life is 10 years shorter now!!
He also has a boat. A boat that he parks in my parking lot for weeks at a time. Usually in the space closest to the door. This pisses me off because he never has to unlooad groceries from his boat into his apt, but I have to unload groceries from my car at least once a week and I don't get to park close to the door. Plus, he parks to boat so that the motor hangs over the sidewalk and blocks it. So that when I do unload groceries from the next space over, I can't even use the sidewalk. I either have to walk behind my car and around the boat, or slip between the boat motor and my downstairs neighbor's porch. All I'm saying is, park the boat in the crappy parking spaces that nobody uses. Would that be so hard?
Well, now we have a new issue. For the last month or so he has been going someplace where his truck gets covered in mud. When he comes back, his boots are also quite dirty. So he takes them off and leaves them in the hallway outside his door. Well, his boots smell like horses!!! And, no Tiffany, that is NOT a pleasant smell! So every morning I walk out my door and I am hit with the smell of horse. It is soooooo gross! Can't he leave them on his porch? I mean, if he doesn't want to smell them, what makes him think I do?? If they were on his porch, then his apt wouldn't smell, my hallway wouldn't smell, the shoes would still be outside, and everyone would be happy. I've thought of leaving a not on his door....but I'm afraid. So, I will just have to deal with the daily horse smell.
Oh yeah, also the guy downstairs, got a pet dog the size of a bear!!!! I got out of my car the other day, and he came out of his apt, and the dog barked, and I had a heart attack.....my life is 10 years shorter now!!
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Fuck The Man
Sorry that I haven't written in a while! I know you all get terribly bored without me!! And I've certainly had PLENTY to write about! But I have had the most outrageous headache all week and looking at the computer screen makes it worse. But, I am a bit better now, so here I am!!!
Okay, so here is what I am pissed off about today: drug companies being all fucking paternalistic when it comes to grown women. See, here is the problem. About 8 years I go I started using depo (an injectable form of birth control). My intent was not so much to control birth as it was to control my depression and eliminate my periods. It worked! I was period free for over 6 years and my depression gradually reduced and eventually disappeared. That is, until, the drug company stepped in. Apparently depo has some effect on your calcium levels and some woman in Africa got osteoperosis (sp?) and so there was a big uproar.
Instead of issuing a warning, or requiring women to take calcium with the depo, or any other number of reasonable courses of action, this is what they do: The drug cos tell Drs that they absolutely CANNOT give the shot to ANY patient for more than 2 years. Yeah, that meant me: no more depo. Apparently I am incapable of weighing the pros and cons of this drug on my own, so the drug company has stepped in to do it for me! Thanks guys, really. Now I have been off of it for a little over a year and I've had my period about 4 times.
Today I felt a depression that I have not felt in about 6 years or so. It was awful. It felt like this huge weight was pressing down on my chest, my stomach was in a knot, I could barely breathe, and all I wanted to do was cry. I literally felt crushed by sadness. I felt like everything around me was dark and that I had absolutely nobody I could call on to help me feel better. I picked up my cell phone and went thru my address book and with each name I thought "No. No. No." Even though I know that almost all those people do really care about me. The loneliness was so extreme that it actually hurt to move, to keep my eyes open. I wanted to drive into a tree or something. It was just horrible....and I had no idea why I was feeling that way. Then I realized it, I got my period today.
I used to feel this way EVERY TIME I got my period. When I was in highschool my boyfriend would have to stay with me, almost constantly, for about 4 days every month or I would just sob hysterically because of the loneliness. It was that feeling that made me cut myself and swallow pills. It really is just a crushing, blinding, physical & emotional weight. Depo is the ONLY thing that has ever made this feeling go away. The pill didn't work, the anti-depressants didn't work. Trust me, if it's out there I tried it.
I'm feeling a little better tonight. I let myself have a cigarette and cry a little bit. And I keep reminding myself that this is chemical and that life is good and all my friends love me, etc., etc. But, as many of you know, it's hard to push this weight off. And it seems that I may have been sentenced to this kind of feeling for a few days each month for the rest of my life.
It makes me so angry. Who are these boardroom assholes to decide that a risk of low calcium is worse than how I feel right now? Who are they to say that I am too irresponsible to get calcium in other ways and stay on depo? How can they possibly do this to women? My insurance company won't pay for an elective hysterectemy (sp?) so I am stuck with this fucking organ for the rest of my life (or until I can afford surgery myself) and some rich white men in suits have taken away my only mechanism I had for controlling it. It is just so infuriating.
You know that if the same EXACT study had come out about Viagra they would slapped a tiny warning label on the back of it and moved on. But because this is for women, and because it's "elective" they think they can just take it away. Well, honestly, can they stop me from going to a new Dr ever two years to get my shots for the rest of my life? We may just find out.
In the mean time, I may be calling some of you for no reason. Sorry.
Okay, so here is what I am pissed off about today: drug companies being all fucking paternalistic when it comes to grown women. See, here is the problem. About 8 years I go I started using depo (an injectable form of birth control). My intent was not so much to control birth as it was to control my depression and eliminate my periods. It worked! I was period free for over 6 years and my depression gradually reduced and eventually disappeared. That is, until, the drug company stepped in. Apparently depo has some effect on your calcium levels and some woman in Africa got osteoperosis (sp?) and so there was a big uproar.
Instead of issuing a warning, or requiring women to take calcium with the depo, or any other number of reasonable courses of action, this is what they do: The drug cos tell Drs that they absolutely CANNOT give the shot to ANY patient for more than 2 years. Yeah, that meant me: no more depo. Apparently I am incapable of weighing the pros and cons of this drug on my own, so the drug company has stepped in to do it for me! Thanks guys, really. Now I have been off of it for a little over a year and I've had my period about 4 times.
Today I felt a depression that I have not felt in about 6 years or so. It was awful. It felt like this huge weight was pressing down on my chest, my stomach was in a knot, I could barely breathe, and all I wanted to do was cry. I literally felt crushed by sadness. I felt like everything around me was dark and that I had absolutely nobody I could call on to help me feel better. I picked up my cell phone and went thru my address book and with each name I thought "No. No. No." Even though I know that almost all those people do really care about me. The loneliness was so extreme that it actually hurt to move, to keep my eyes open. I wanted to drive into a tree or something. It was just horrible....and I had no idea why I was feeling that way. Then I realized it, I got my period today.
I used to feel this way EVERY TIME I got my period. When I was in highschool my boyfriend would have to stay with me, almost constantly, for about 4 days every month or I would just sob hysterically because of the loneliness. It was that feeling that made me cut myself and swallow pills. It really is just a crushing, blinding, physical & emotional weight. Depo is the ONLY thing that has ever made this feeling go away. The pill didn't work, the anti-depressants didn't work. Trust me, if it's out there I tried it.
I'm feeling a little better tonight. I let myself have a cigarette and cry a little bit. And I keep reminding myself that this is chemical and that life is good and all my friends love me, etc., etc. But, as many of you know, it's hard to push this weight off. And it seems that I may have been sentenced to this kind of feeling for a few days each month for the rest of my life.
It makes me so angry. Who are these boardroom assholes to decide that a risk of low calcium is worse than how I feel right now? Who are they to say that I am too irresponsible to get calcium in other ways and stay on depo? How can they possibly do this to women? My insurance company won't pay for an elective hysterectemy (sp?) so I am stuck with this fucking organ for the rest of my life (or until I can afford surgery myself) and some rich white men in suits have taken away my only mechanism I had for controlling it. It is just so infuriating.
You know that if the same EXACT study had come out about Viagra they would slapped a tiny warning label on the back of it and moved on. But because this is for women, and because it's "elective" they think they can just take it away. Well, honestly, can they stop me from going to a new Dr ever two years to get my shots for the rest of my life? We may just find out.
In the mean time, I may be calling some of you for no reason. Sorry.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Our (Catholic) Town
Um, yeah, so the guy who used to own Domino's Pizza has decided to start his own town in South Florida. The town will be run under strict Roman Catholic rules, which means the stores can't sell birth control or pornography and the Drs cannot perform abortions. The Priests, however, will be available to molest your kids within 30 minutes or less! (Yeah, so I'm kidding about that last part....well, kinda.) Jeb Bush was present for the "groundbreaking" of the town, which will center around a Catholic University.
So, we discussed this whole thing in one of my classes. And the best question I came up with is: If this was a Muslim town, would Jeb Bush have been there for the groundbreaking??
Here are a couple of links to stories on this topic:
http://www.sptimes.com/2006/03/01/State/Will_Catholic_town_in.shtml
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11434439/site/newsweek/
So, we discussed this whole thing in one of my classes. And the best question I came up with is: If this was a Muslim town, would Jeb Bush have been there for the groundbreaking??
Here are a couple of links to stories on this topic:
http://www.sptimes.com/2006/03/01/State/Will_Catholic_town_in.shtml
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11434439/site/newsweek/
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
I'm not an addict. Maybe that's a lie
Everybody has a vice. As for me, I don't drink; don't have sex; don't eat fast food; don't smoke (well, there are rare exceptions to that one!); rarely do I even have caffiene. So what's my vice?
Yep. You guessed it. Cough Drops.
You may be thinking WTF????
Well, it's true. I started off being addicted to the hard stuff: Robitussin Honey Drops. These things are heavy duty. I was up to like 5 or 6 a day. I was stoppin' at the corner drugstore a couple times a week! You'd see me there, late at night, in my PJs, diggin' for change, lookin' for my next fix.
So, I knew I needed to tone it down. I dropped down to Luden's. A bit milder, and they last a bit longer. I got down to like 3 or 4 a day.
But I never realize the dept of my addiction until tonight. I ran out of cough drops. I found myself rummaging through drawers, backpacks, and purses like Helen Hunt in Pay It Forward looking for booze. Then, I reached the ultimate low. I remembered that yesterday I accidentally threw out a perfectly good, fully wrapped cough drop. I had grabbed a handful of wrappers to throw out & and last minute realized my dreadful mistake! And, for a split second tonight, I thought about going in after it. But luckily, just before I pulled a George Costanza, I found it! A left over Robitussin Honey Drop! Damn. It feels good...just like the 1st time.
I think I'm back on the hard stuff. It's all down hill from here. Trust me, there aren't any 12 step programs for this.
Yep. You guessed it. Cough Drops.
You may be thinking WTF????
Well, it's true. I started off being addicted to the hard stuff: Robitussin Honey Drops. These things are heavy duty. I was up to like 5 or 6 a day. I was stoppin' at the corner drugstore a couple times a week! You'd see me there, late at night, in my PJs, diggin' for change, lookin' for my next fix.
So, I knew I needed to tone it down. I dropped down to Luden's. A bit milder, and they last a bit longer. I got down to like 3 or 4 a day.
But I never realize the dept of my addiction until tonight. I ran out of cough drops. I found myself rummaging through drawers, backpacks, and purses like Helen Hunt in Pay It Forward looking for booze. Then, I reached the ultimate low. I remembered that yesterday I accidentally threw out a perfectly good, fully wrapped cough drop. I had grabbed a handful of wrappers to throw out & and last minute realized my dreadful mistake! And, for a split second tonight, I thought about going in after it. But luckily, just before I pulled a George Costanza, I found it! A left over Robitussin Honey Drop! Damn. It feels good...just like the 1st time.
I think I'm back on the hard stuff. It's all down hill from here. Trust me, there aren't any 12 step programs for this.
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