My Choices

Everything in life is a choice, everything you do has a cost. And sometimes, when it's quiet around me, I wonder if I've paid to high a price for some things. Am I any better off today than I was two years ago? All of the tears I've cried, all the pain I've felt, all the time I've spent with him that I could have spent with my sister or my friends or my mom. Is it all worth it? I know that overall he is a good boyfriend...but do I really need any boyfriend at all? I mean, of course not. I lived a wonderful life without a boyfriend for almost 5 years. Plenty of people asked me on dates, and I always said no. I said yes to K because of who he was, because of our past, because he already had a piece of my heart. But the truth is, he needs me more than I need him. And this relationship costs me more than it costs him...if it costs him anything at all. And lately, I am so tired. I just want some time to myself. I want to be able to take a nap without interruption, to watch a show on TV the whole way through, to have one day that I'm not living in little pockets between phone calls. But I also know that I should chill out, that plenty of people would be grateful to have someone who wants so much of their time, and that he only calls me cuz he's lonely without me. I know that, in my heart. And I know that even if he can't buy me expensive things, that he would be there for the really awful things. I know he would take care of me more than I would take care of him, when it comes to things that really matter. I know that in some ways I'm not good enough for him, and so I should earn it and earning things isn't easy. It's not supposed to be. But the time when I will need him more, it's just a distant what if. But tonight, the right now, I'm just so tired and annoyed. It's one of those nights when I could throw it all away on a whim. Pick out something stupid in his conversation and tell him to get out of my life. But somehow, I make it through these nights. And in the morning he will tell me that he needs to hear my voice, and that I'm the best thing in his life, and I will be glad that I didn't run away - for a few minutes at least. But I still won't know if I made the right choice, and I don't know when I will know. I think that by the time I do know, it will be too late - either way. The one thing I know for sure is that some day he will be gone for good. And I know that the later it happens, the more it will hurt. And maybe if I make him leave now, it will hurt less and I will get over it soon. But then maybe I will need him someday and he won't be here. Or maybe he will need me, and I will want to help but it will be too late. And if I throw away a lifetime of those opportunities, will I ever forgive myself? But I'm not sure if I have to energy to keep this going...even if I know it's the best I can do for both of us. I just don't know.