Last Night's Dream

I was 17 again, a senior in high school, sitting on my bed on the second floor of my parents’ house. But, oddly enough, I had the same cell phone I have today (odd because in 1997 all I had was a pager!), and it was ringing. I answered it and it was K - for the very 1st time. Like he had never called me before. He said he wanted me to come to his house, but I had to refuse because I was waiting for Z. He said he’d call me back later. Z arrived and let himself into my room. I was disgusted by him, just as I am today. We started to have sex and after a few minutes I pushed him off of me, got up & got dressed. I told him I was done with him, that we were breaking up. I told him to get out of my house and not to ever come back. I wasn’t completely sure why, just that I was sick of him. I didn’t want to look at him for one more minute. As he put on his coat I made sure to stand in front of him, so his only choice was to back out of my room. I didn’t want him to waste time taking back his things from my room, I just wanted him gone. He walked downstairs and said “Really? You are really doing this?” and I said “Yes! Are you surprised?” When we got downstairs my mom & sister were coming in through the garage, after being at a family party that I missed out on for Z. They said hello and goodbye to him and he left. I told them “I broke up with him.” and they were not surprised. I checked my cell phone and K had called me 9 more times, but from all different numbers. I knew it was him though because all the numbers had a “K” in them, like 352-6K98. It was odd. I was just about to call him back when it rang again. This time the caller ID said “411”. I answered it & it was K. I told him I broke up with Z. He said “Good job!” I said “How was your night?” and he said “All right, I am kinda sick though. My dad is sick too and I think I caught it from him.” In my head I knew he was lying because his dad was dead already and I didn’t understand why he would tell such a ridiculous lie. No matter, I asked if he still wanted me to come over, especially now that I broke up with Z. And he said “Of course! I will be here.” And I knew he would be, so I walked out the garage door to go see him.

K says this dream means that my subconscious wants to have sex with him. I told him I doubt that, but sex is like cotton candy to me - I always forget how much I hate it, and it smells good so I think “Hm, I will have some” and then after one bite I remember that it makes me utterly nauseous. So, maybe my subconscious does think it wants sex, but after about 10 seconds of having sex it will see the error of its ways.

For me though, I think the dream means more than that. I have had several dreams lately where I dream that I am with Z again and I break up with him for K. Maybe I am longing for a re-do, thinking that if I had done that, and K and I would have been together for that long, things would be easier now. I also think it is my anxiety in my ongoing debate about whether to stay in this relationship or not. Maybe my brain is dividing up the things I like and don’t like about K. The bad stuff is turning into Z, which I throw away, and the good stuff stays in K. Maybe I am showing myself that the good stuff is enough, that I don’t really want to be without him - just without some of the stuff in him that reminds me of my past. I have had a few dreams where K and I break up and they make me very sad. It seems that deep down I do want this relationship to work. It is just very difficult. I really do wish I could separate the good from the bad....but I can’t. So eventually I have to decide which one outweighs the other. My usual list-making is not helping, because not everything is in a 1:1 ratio. Like sex is a BIG negative, so I need to find a BIG positive to outweigh it. I’m not sure I can. But maybe all the little positives put together outweigh it? I don’t know. This is the hardest decision of my life. And if I stay with him, I will essentially have to make it everyday for the rest of my life. But if I choose to leave, I have to live with that forever too.