Visitation

So my friend Chelle has been visiting me for the last few days. She got here on Wed night. On Thursday I left work at lunch time and we went to St. Petersburg. We hung out on the beach, watched the sun set and got some ice cream. It was nice. We drove out there in a mustang convertible that she rented, so that was neat.

Yesterday we went to sea world. I had never been there before. It was okay. The Sea Lion show was GREAT, very funny, and I got to see manatees, so I was happy. But it was a very hot, very expensive day. The good thing is I bought an annual pass (they are so cheap it's stupid not to as a FL resident), so I can go see manatees whenever I want! And that makes me happy. The shamu show was so corny it was painful - too much about people, not enough about the animals. They also had this mini cirque du soleil kind of show called Odyssea. It was cool, but I am spoiled by the very impressive aerial dance shows I saw while living in Athens. So even cirque didn't overwhelm me. But still, I am glad to have gone to sea world, it's something I should do while I live here. Plus, MANATEES!!!!!! Yay! I will go back and visit them.

Today kinda sucked cuz it was raining EVERYWHERE! We drove to Daytona, but couldn't be on the beach really. So we went to a few souvenir shops and then the rain stopped and we walked along the beach a bit. We ordered chinese food for dinner and watched a movie called "Lone Star State of Mind" which was pretty funny. I am SO exhausted! So I will be going to bed now. Not sure what we will be doing tomorrow...hopefully less rain.

Today's Lesson

Whenever I hang out with one of my girlfriends, I remember all the reasons why I appreciate K. He lets me be me. He isn't controlling. He trusts me. My happiness makes him happy. He is responsible and he rarely drinks. He lets me into his heart and mind, and tells me things he can barely admit to himself. He worries about me when I'm sick just as much as my mother does. He doesn't care how much I weigh or how I dress, he thinks I'm beautiful anyway. He touches my face and tucks my hair behind my ears, and just looks at me. He is there for me at 2am when I have a nightmare or just can't sleep. He calls to apologize when he's wrong. He just loves me, and when I need to I can feel it around me like a big comfy sweatshirt.

I know that things have been hard for the last month. But they are so much better. I really think I just needed to hear him say some things out loud. I didn't trust my own heart enough to believe what I felt was really there. But I do now. I feel better, I think he does too. And I think we are gonna be okay. I'm glad that we are both stubborn enough to not walk away at the 1st sign of trouble. I'm glad we both thought we were worth fighting for. I hope we were right. Tonite, it feels like we were.

Funny Stuff

Yesterday on the way to work I was listening to the radio and the DJ was talking about an incident in Macon, GA where a Deputy Sheriff shot and killed a pig that he thought was wild, but turned out to be someone's pet. The family that owned the pig said that he was playful, friendly, and had a lot of personality. The DJ said "Apparently, he was a real ham." HAHA!!!! I can't stop laughing about that. I know, I'm a loser. Here's a link to the story:

http://www.newsone.ca/piercelandherald/stories/index.php?action=fullnews&id=29610

Hannibal Rising

So, I watched that movie this weekend. I was kind of disappointed. Certainly, the story was interesting. But the film was very dark & intense, sometimes hard to follow. It was very gory, but I think the gore was necessary to the character development....not just shock value like in Hannibal. But the real disappointment was that it almost went TOO far back. I wanted this movie to end where Red Dragon began, with Hannibal's arrest. Instead, it began when he was a small child and ended when he was about 25. Also, the story doesn't completely make sense with his later pathology. Using this background, at some point Hannibal goes from a revenge killer to someone who kills just for pleasure, and we don't know why. It's easy to see why he enjoyed the revenge killings...but what made him switch to "innocent" victims? How did he choose his later vics? There are a lot of questions left unanswered. Like I said, the story was good, but Red Dragon & Silence of the Lambs are still the best in the series.

12 Hours Together

K was here last night, just passing through, but I think it was good for us. To be in the same room, just us, after everything that has been going on. I feel a lot better. I'm not sure why, but I guess things finally felt back to normal. We actually had fun and laughed together. We didn't fight about anything. Things just felt right again. So, hopefully we are past all the things that have happened over the last month. He left at 8:30 this morning, and then I went to starbucks and publix and came home and took a nap. I started reading Harry Potter yesterday, but I haven't really made a dent in it. I will read more later, and then take it to work. I should have PLENTY of time there! Hope everyone else had a good weekend too!

Take Two

Last night I had a nightmare about E. I woke up and I was crying all morning, thinking that what happened in my dream could easily happen in real life. So, I just called K and told him how sad I was, and that I have been sad for 3 weeks, and I can't take it anymore. He said he doesnt want me to be sad, and he hates the idea of him making me sad. So I told him that I cant face a lifetime of E. I feel like she is a constant threat, and will be for the rest of our lives. I said everytime we fight I worry that she will be my punishment. And he said no, that is how he used to be, but he has never loved anyone as much as me and he wouldn't do that to me. He says he doesn't want to be with anyone but me, and I am his best friend. He said that to him, she is nothing so he doesn't see how I can worry. So then, we are talking & I am crying and out of nowhere he says "I won't talk to her anymore. Okay? Does that fix it? Will u be happier then?" And I said "Well, I never asked for you to cut her out completely..." and he says "I know, but I will. I don't want to lose you. So I will get rid of her." So, I told him that I will try to move on from this then. I don't know if I can, but I will try. He says he just loves me and wants me to be happy, and if I am not happy with him then I should leave, but he doesn't want me to. So, I told him I won't leave. We will try to get better and move on and just see what happens. So that's where we are now.

Truce

So yesterday I essentially spent the whole day fighting with K. A few times I thought we broke up, but at the end of the night we called a truce. I said that we both had said what we had to say and we were just repeating things. I know how he feels, he knows how I feel, and all we can do is try to do better in the future. The problem is, I think I felt better when I thought we were broken up than I feel now. I mean, life is just easier on my own, ya know? And I feel like breaking up is punishing him, and he doesn't deserve to be punished. But I just don't know if we can ever go back to when we were happy. Back to before all of the hurt started. I know that he is very sorry for some of the things he has done and said, and I know that he did them without really thinking. But they still hurt me and I can't forget them. I am trying to convince myself to hang on a little longer to see how things go, but the problem is I end up waiting until we see each other and we may not see each other again until October. That is a lot of hanging on.

He says he didn't cheat on me, that he bought the condoms for A, which A will neither confirm nor deny in that he is not responding to my email. I told K that I believe him that he didn't cheat, though I don't know if I really do. Everyone says he wouldn't do that, but how can I be sure? He says that he is not attracted to E at all anymore, and that I am 100% more important to him than she is. I told him he needs to prove that to me. I am sick of him hiding me from her. When we are together and someone calls him, he's always like "Let me call you back, I'm with my baby." Except when E calls, then he is "going into a store" or "working on a radio" or "watching a movie" and he will call her back. He never tells her I am there. I said it makes me feel like the other woman. It breaks my heart. He says he is sorry and he won't do that anymore. He says he wont answer the phone if she calls while he is talking to me. And I said fine. We will see how that goes. I said he has to stop using her to threaten me. He says then I have to stop telling him to go sleep with other people. So then we get into the sex issue.

He wants me to go back to a shrink. But the problem is, I don't really want to anymore. I feel like he just wants me to be weaker. Like if by some miracle I start to like sex, and I start to want it, then that is something new that he can use against me. And it may keep me from leaving if it's something I want that I can't get elsewhere, ya know? And I feel like I go to these Drs and talk for an hour and it's all in an effort to make him feel better. Why? What is he doing to make me feel better? Maybe he should go to a shrink and find out why he is so addicted to sex. Maybe he should go and find out why he lets people treat him like shit over and over again with no consequences. Maybe he should find out why he treats the person who loves him most the worst. I dunno, it just makes me bitter. I don't want to go to a shrink, I just don't. I like who I am and I don't want to be fixed.

We also argued about his family. I don't feel like getting into all that again, but ultimately I won that argument. So, I dunno. I haven't really talked to him today. I think I am gonna try calling him less, maybe a bit of a break will make things better. Maybe it will at least help me decide whether it's worth staying in this relationship or not.

Poor Mommy II

My mother officially has to go to trial for her divorce. In NY, there is no divorce based on irreconcilable differences or irretrievably broken marriages, so that means she has to prove adultery, abuse or abandonment. None of which she can really prove. Which means she will probably lose and won't be able to get a divorce. Isn't that insane? How can this be happening?? I don't know what happens then, they can't make her move back in with my father. So, I just don't know what happens. Maybe the current support order stays in place, so he will still have to pay for my sister. I hope so. But she will never have her freedom then. This is just awful. I wish he was dead. I wish he would get run over my something very heavy. Right now. I hate him more than I can even express.

The Wicked Bitch of the Southeast

So, I'm back from my trip. It was not a good weekend. We started fighting on Friday afternoon and pretty much never stopped. Fight No. 1: CJ is a frigid bitch. Fight No. 2: CJ is an anti-social snobby bitch. Fight number one lasted most of the day Friday. So Saturday I spent most of the day hiding out in K's room and watching TV. Then Sunday was fight number two. Monday I left, so there was minimal fighting, although I was pissed at him for being lazy and not getting up to get things done on time, so that I almost missed my plane.

I know he thinks everything is fine now. He tells me he loves me and gives me a kiss and thinks it's all better. But it's not because nothing was resolved. Not to mention, the still lingering issues from 2 weeks ago, that are getting worse not better. For those of you out of the loop, those issues revolve around E, his ex-girlfriend. Honestly, the best way to put it is that I feel like I am the other woman in my own relationship. It seems that he will always put her feelings before mine, and that any pain I feel as a result simply makes me a bitch who doesn't trust him and there is nothing he can do about it. But I don't think I am being unreasonable about this. I don't think I am being a crazy jealous girlfriend. I think I put up with a lot more than most women would, and I am at my limit. And honestly, even if how I feel is unreasonable. It's still how I feel, and I don't want to feel this way forever. My heart is broken.

I want to tell him "It's her or me." But I think he would choose her, even if he said he chose me he would just lie to me about talking to her. So, I think I have to make the choice for him. It makes me incredibly sad to say goodbye to him, but I feel like I am left with no choice. A life with him means a life with her, and I don't want that. Every time we argue, he will use her to punish me and I can't handle that. So, I think my only choice is to leave. I don't know how I will do this, but I am going to try to do it tonite, if he has time to talk to me. I'm not sure if it will be an "I'm breaking up with you" speech or an "I'm going to break up with you unless" speech. I don't know what the unless could be though, because I don't think I would believe him if he said he was getting rid of her. I would need proof and I don't know what that proof could be. He can always call her ahead of time and say "I'm gonna pretend like I am ending our friendship for CJ, but I don't really mean it, just play along." I feel like he has chosen her over me so many times that there is just no getting around that. He wants her in his life forever, regardless of the cost. And I think the cost is losing me. I think he may regret that choice in the end, but I can't force him to see that now. So....I'll let you all know what happens.

Working It Out

First of all, yes, I am feeling better. Thanks for asking!

Last night K and I had a little fight. About his family. He called me "insensitive and cruel", I kind of like that! LOL Anyway...it got me venting to a friend and I realized I think I know how to solve almost all of our problems. We simply can't live together.

I mean, really, if I keep my own place - even if I move to Charlotte - I keep my privacy, my security, my own bed, my own money, and I rarely have to deal with his family. K says we can't afford a separate place for his mom, but that is ridiculous since we can afford separate places for ourselves. But this way, I don't need him to agree. He keeps his house for his mom, and I get my own place in Charlotte. He can visit me, even stay over, when he is in town. But I never have to deal with his family without him. I really think this is the best solution.

Maybe one day he will move in with me, but it really doesn't matter. He's never in town anyway. So, I am going to Charlotte this weekend and I think I will tell him this. I know it will upset him a bit, but hopefully he will be able to see that it just makes sense. If not, well, there is always the single life!

E.R.

So I spent my whole day yesterday in the hospital. NOT FUN. Some of you know I've been sick since Thursday...lots of abdominal pain that was worse when I stood up. By yesterday, I was getting worse rather than better. So K was worried that I had appendicitis (sp?), so he begged me to go to the ER. So I did. 10 hours & $800 dollars later, they think I had a cyst on my ovary that burst. Ew. So, today I am home. I haven't really eaten in about 3 days, so my tummy is a bit icky. I had some lime sherbet this morning which was SO yummy, so hopefully I will have more of that later. And hopefully I will feel better tomorrow cuz I have a very important hearing at 9am. Plus I go to Charlotte thursday night, so I wanna be ALL better by then. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Movies

So, I have been watching a lot of movies in the last few weeks, so I figured I'd give you my take on a few of them:

Twin Falls Idaho: Very emotional and dark, but very good. If you can deal with a B movie that is more about humanity than hollywood, this is a good one. It's about conjoined twins, who fall in love with a woman, as one of them is dying. It is very well done, and not at all disrespectful. But, it is heavy and a bit slow moving, so be prepared for that.

Wonderland: This movie stars Val Kilmer and is based on a true story about a washed up porn star who is the number 1 suspect in a quadruple homicide. This was a GREAT movie. The coolest part is that it shows the events through different points of view as the story unravels. The movies has nothing to do with porn or the industry, it is more about drugs, money, love and bad choices. Really good.

Freedom Writers: This movie is very new, and stars Hilary Swank. It's also based on a true story about a woman who gets a job teaching at an integrated high school in long beach in 1994. Kind of a Dangerous Minds kind of thing...but true. This was also a great movie. My sister and I both loved it, and I think K will like it to. My sister cried, I didn't, but I came close.

Normal: This is another movie that didn't spend or make big bucks, but was amazingly good. It is about a man who, after 25 years of marriage, tells his wife he is becoming a woman. This movie is very emotional, and very raw. It will make you uncomfortable in your skin at times...which is good, because that is how the main character feels. Not one to watch with the kiddies, or the conservative parents. But a very good movie that will stay with you.

Freedomland: I just watched this one tonite. It stars Samuel L. Jackson and Julianne Moore. It's about a woman whose son is kidnapped, Jackson plays the lead detective. It is also about racial tension, and relations between cops & each other and cops & citizens. At times I felt like this movie lost my attention, but by the end I was hooked. Again, a very raw and emotional movie that will make you uncomfortable, but it's supposed to. Julianne Moore was a little hard to buy in this character at first, but eventually it worked out. I probably would've chosen someone else for that part, but other than that it was a good movie.

So, as you can see, I have been pretty satisfied with my BB subscription lately! Not sure what I will watch next. The next 2 movies in my queue are Shooter and Black Snake Moan...but both of those have a bit of a wait, so I may not get them next. I will probably go to the store tomorrow and trade Freedomland in for something else, whatever catches my eye. I'd like to get movies in the mail that K will like, since I am going there on Thursday, that way I can bring them with me & we won't have to spend any money. In the meantime...if anyone has any suggestions to add to my queue, bring 'em on!!!!

Pardon Me?

Does anyone else find it odd that the former Governor of TEXAS is suddenly opposed to excessive sentences???

Just wondering.

(And yes, I know Libby wasn't pardoned, just had his sentenced commuted. But "Commute Me" didn't sound nearly as clever.)

Poor Mommy

My mom had a pretty rough weekend. Yesterday my gramma yelled at her for coming over every Saturday and “breezing in and breezing out of there.” She is nuts. Every Saturday my mom goes walking in the morning and then stops by their house to bring them a coffee cake or something and see if they need anything & how they are doing. And every week they are so rude to her and NEVER ask her how she is doing or how we are doing. They never call her anymore, and they still refuse to visit her new apartment. So what do they want from her? My gramma says she wants to “talk”, well then why don’t they talk? Ask questions maybe? My mom says “well, what do u want to talk about?” gramma says “Well, you never talk about [DB] (my father).” Well WTF? What is she supposed to do? Come over there and bitch about him to them? They still talk to DB so my mom cant trust that they wont tell him what she says. And it’s not like she sees him. The only stories she has now are court stories, which are really none of their business. It was insane. PLUS my gramma told my mom’s cousin J that she doesn’t talk to my mom about the divorce because she feels sorry for DB!!!! WTF???? Why on earth would she feel sorry for him?! I dunno. It’s totally insane. And it made my mom feel awful. These are HER parents! She was crying because she would be so happy to see my sister and I once a week, and he parents are like pissed that she comes over. Plus she doesn’t know what exactly they want from her – ya know?

Then today my mom updated me on the divorce. DB still won’t sign the agreement. He told his lawyer now that he wont sign it because my mom didn’t go to his mother’s funeral! Are u fucking kidding me??? This is actually in the court record, he really said this. He is mad because she didn’t “come to the wake or the funeral or send him a card.” WHAT????!!!!!!! Well, luckily “spite” is not a legal excuse for going back on your word, so there is real hope that the judge will make him sign the agreement. If not, then my mom will have to go to trial. To make my mom “look good” her lawyer told her to send DB a letter of apology saying why she didn’t go. So she wrote one paragraph about how she was too uncomfortable to go. Total crap. They have a phone conference with the judge on july 9th, so that’s when we will find out if they have to go to trial. I am so furious with DB – I wish I could hurt him in some way, and I wish I could help my mother more. I also wish he would just drop dead. Could he be anymore unreasonable? Any more cruel? My poor mother is so stressed out and it gets worse every time they go to court. He gets more and more insane.

So, anyway, that’s the news in my family.