Where I Belong

Today was a wonderful day. It is the end of the school year so we are packed with events and presentations, and today was probably the fullest day I have ever had. Usually I would be nervous about "wasting" so much study time listening to lectures, but, as Ani would say, I am getting bolder in my old age, and I took the risk!

There have been many times in the last two years when I wondered if law school was the right place for me. I miss studying criminology, I miss the kind of people that studied criminology with me. I miss that kind of thinking, that kind of bravery, that willingness to re-learn everything you "knew" before. It is a very unique discipline. When I graduated with my BA, one of my favorite professors warned me that I would change my mind, and switch to a PhD program, and let me tell you, I've been close. But today reminded me why I stay here.

I love the law. I know it sounds corny, people in this field say it all the time, but few actually mean it. They love their paychecks, they love the prestige, they love the courtrooms, they may even love their clients, but few actually love the law. I really do. I know this because today I heard two non-lawyers speak about law-reated issues. They spoke about politics and social issues, but I wanted to know about the law. I wanted to read the court opinions and dissents, I wanted statute numbers and citations, and I wanted to lay them all out on the table and put the puzzle together. I feed off the puzzles, finding the wholes that nobody notices and filling in the ones that nobody else can fill.

You forget about that in the day to day because most of our time is spent memorizing the opinions of people who have already worked on the puzzles. Of course, the goal is to work out our own puzzles, but that goal is secondary on a day to day basis. We don't truly work on the puzzles until exams and even then, the task is to identify the holes and possible ways to fill them in, but never to really go all the way.

But before I came to law school I worked on the puzzles al the time. I would hear a story on the news, or read about an old crime and I would work out the puzzle on my own. Whether it was the crime scene or the prosection or both, I could do it myself, at my own pace, and find my own answers. It is just incredibly satisfying and intriguing. These last 2 days have reignited that spark in me that loves to dissect thought, to pull everything out until it becomes ugly, and then try to find out how it works before putting it back together again.

It's refreshing. I feel again like I am doing the right thing, and that this all may actually turn into something. I feel like I am figuring out my own puzzle again, like I am really on the way to fitting myself into this life, where I belong.