Where Were You???

When I was in high school Princess Diana died. My chorus teacher told us that would be our generation's Kennedy assasination, that we would always remember where we were when we heard the Princess was killed. Quite honestly, if he hadn't said that I wouldn't remember at all. I don't even know what year it was or what season, I do know it was late at night and I was home, but that could describe every single night of my life!

Eleven years ago today Kurt Cobain's body was found at his home in Seattle. That I remember like it was yesterday. I remember the footage of his green converse one star sneakers sticking out of the doorway. I remember that it was unusually warm for that time of year, because I had just walked down the street to meet my friend. We came into my mom's house through the garage and she was sitting in the chair right by the door watching the news coverage. It took me a minute to process the story....he hadn't tried to kill himself, he was actually dead.

I was fourteen, and although I didn't realize it at the time, I was suffering from severe depression. When I was that age, I thought about killing myself everyday, and I honestly thought everyone else did too. Every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed I made a conscious decision to try to live through one more day...and I really truly believed everyone else did the same thing. So it wasn't so amazing that Kurt had killed himself, but it was still sad for me. It was even more depressing that somebody with so much money, fame, and talent decided he couldn't make it through one more day. It made it that much harder to get through mine.

Soon after Kurt's death Pearl Jam appeared on Saturday Night Live. There had always been rumors that Eddie Vedder and Kurt Cobain hated each other: the big Seattle grunge rivals. So we were all curious to see if Eddie would mention Kurt's death. He did: he wore a green K in Kurt's honor and sang "Alive." Plenty of people took this the wrong way (in my opinion). They thought he was mocking Kurt's death, I completely disagree. I think he knew that a lot of grunge fans were feeling the way I was, lost and hopeless. I think he wanted to remind us that we are all still alive and we should all keep functioning. That just because Kurt had lost his battle with his demons, didn't mean we should all give up. That Kurt's death, while tragic and grotesque, was not the end of things and was not the answer.

There have been rumors of conspiracy behind Kurt's death. Rumors that Courtney Love had him killed. I choose not to get sucked into that, purely because I don't want to believe it. I would hate to know that Frances is being raise by a murderer. I know Courtney is wacky and has a LOT of problems and probably is not a very good mother, but the thought of her killing Kurt and then raising his little girl is more than I wish to comprehend. Especially because we all felt as though we mourned with her after his death, and we honored him by supporting her band and her music. It would just be so horrible.

So I guess Kurt is my Kennedy. Complete with conspiracy theories and all! And he may not be as much of a humanitarian as Princess Di (or even JFK) but his life and death were profound. He shaped my youth and thus my life in extraordinary ways. He's the reason I don't look at clothing labels and my socks don't match, he's the reason my hair has been every color of the rainbow, and he reminds me, now that I am healthy, that there are still kids out there who think of dying everyday and they have no idea how truly unhealthy that is. I think it's important to remember that. Assuming the conspiracies are wrong, Kurt did not die of a gunshot wound, he died from a chronic disease, an illness that is just as hard to will away as any other, and that shouldn't be ignored, even though it often is. A disease that has lead to many other major tragedies of my generation, everything from suicide to school shootings. I hope that on this day we can all take a moment to remember that, and be sure to take care of those around us who need it.

I will talk about the Pope tomorrow.