Fumbling Toward Ecstasy

I remember the days when I thought the only amazing thing I would ever do in my life would be to die...and all the time I spent planning it to make it perfect and beautiful. I dreamed of it like some amazing gothic rock video, complete with blood and a beautiful body and an amazing soubdtrack. It was to be my ultimate legacy. The image nobody would ever forget.

And now I think that whether I will do anything amzing or not is totally irrelevant. That I would want to keep on living even if all I could do was sit in a room and watch my sister and R live their amazing lives, if all I had to live for was to see what they would do next, it would be enough. It's amazing that the illness I was living in was so thick that I couldn't see them through it.

Tonight I was feeling icky. I called N and her b/f was arguing with me and making me defend all of my decisions and the way I live my life. And all my successes were not enough proof to him that I knew what I was talking about...or maybe they were and he was fighting me just so I wouldn't win. But no matter, it made me feel crappy. And then, as if because of some cosmic tug, R called me to plan her trip here. I bought the plane tickets and now I am euphoric...she makes me so happy to be alive. Like there was one person in the world who was going to get to really watch her blossom from the inside out and that person is me....and nobody else will ever know her like I do and that makes me just so amazingly lucky.